come on then benders
what's for lunch? i am thinking pasta, as i have a date tonight and don't want to get too drunk. or i am thinking of an excuse to eat pasta at lunchtime, whatever.

alt: what headline would you most like to see in the papers? i'm going to go for: JORDAN'S FAKE TITS EXPLODE AND KILL HER. DEAD.

alt alt: guess the b3tan with the headline. i'll start with: EAST LONDON MAN ARRESTED FOR SNORTING DRUGS OFF A SWORD. OUTSIDE A MOSQUE.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 12:19, 112 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

I've got leftover paella of awesomeness
Genuinely amazed by how well last night's cooking session went. Would make again.

Alt: "MCINTYRE: MY ANAL SODOMISATION AGONY"
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 12:22, Reply)

What has Donal done to you?

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 12:23, Reply)

I fucking knew that would happen
If you must know, he investigated me. If you know what I mean.

I mean bumming.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 12:25, Reply)

Oh! I thought that was just Darth reporting his news to Macyntire.

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 12:26, Reply)

A Twatter update

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 12:27, Reply)

Can you be sodomised anywhere else?

(berk, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 12:32, Reply)

Just outside Bradford.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 12:35, Reply)

Why would you need an excuse to eat pasta?
I'm on caramelised onion hummous with wholemeal pitta bread, offset with chocolate milkshake

ALT:
Suzanna Reid and Kylie spotted leaving Sportscow's Solid Gold Motorised Castle Home - again

ALT ALT:
FISH RESTAURANT FORCED TO CLOSE AFTER OVERCROWDING
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 12:23, Reply)

SUSANNA REID IS NOT FOR YOU

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 12:25, Reply)

I'm writing my headline here pal

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 12:32, Reply)

SUSANNA REID IS NOT FOR SPORTSCOW

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 12:33, Reply)

SPORTSCOW CAN HAVE ANY WOMAN HE WANTS, BUT SUSANNA REID IS NOT FOR SPORTSCOW

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 12:34, Reply)

Alt Alt - haha, very good.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 12:26, Reply)

Oh stomp...
I took too long typing. Soz.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 12:25, Reply)

Alt: Multi Billionaire philanthropist Battered dies at the age of 130 surrounded by all 6 previous wives, 27 children and 42 grandchildren. Tributes pour in from world leaders.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 12:25, Reply)

How do you propose to see this headline?

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 12:26, Reply)

Broadsheet

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 12:27, Reply)

From the "other side"

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 12:28, Reply)

mmm...battered philanthropist

( thealternativefact, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 12:28, Reply)

Chicken and mushroom pasta thing
Alt: MACKENZIE TORN APART BY RABID WOLVES.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 12:25, Reply)

Crook?

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 12:26, Reply)

Kelvin

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 12:27, Reply)

Yes then

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 12:28, Reply)

TOTTENHAM WOMAN WINS LOTTERY, GETS BOOB REDUCTION, BUYS FAVOURITE LAWYER GIFTS AS BRIBE FOR FORGIVENESS

( thealternativefact, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 12:27, Reply)

Foregiveness?

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 12:29, Reply)

Is that golfing or sexual?

( thealternativefact, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 12:30, Reply)

hahaha!
Fuck
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 12:31, Reply)

TOTTENHAM WOMAN IS FORGIVEN
ON STRICT CONDITION THAT SHE COMES TO PIZZA PARTY AT LAWYER'S HOUSE IN THE NEW YEAR
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 12:31, Reply)

*comes*
*comes*
( thealternativefact, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 12:31, Reply)

i thought that would be great fun
i was very seriously impressed by the amount of food that got scarfed down at monty's. so i thought we could challenge it with some seriously massive pizzas and a LOT of wine...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 12:35, Reply)

Do I get an invite this time?
Or am I going to have to threaten to gatecrash, again?
(berk, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 12:34, Reply)

you can definitely come!
will prob be january though, given the carnage of december.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 12:35, Reply)

Fine by me!
I may even bring cake.
(berk, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 12:37, Reply)

sounds like an excellent way to get an invite

( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 12:42, Reply)

can I come?

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 12:43, Reply)

if i thought for one second that you would
then i might consider it. as you are taking the piss, no, get your own fucking mcpizza!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 12:44, Reply)

If you held it on the 14th I might.
I've got a night to kill in London between San Diego and wherever I go skiing on the sunday.

(disclaimer - it's extremely unlikely I'll do anything other than sleep in an airport hotel but it's a nice idea)
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 12:46, Reply)

depends where you are flying out of
kensington is about 20-30 mins from heathrow on the pic line, so if it's heathrow i might consider it.

MIGHT.

(disclaimer - duly noted, you flange-tease)
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 12:57, Reply)

And what about me? Don't I get invited?
I'd leave before you all start to get too drunk anyway.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 12:58, Reply)

With spelling like that
there's no wonder you sucked at Countdown.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Wed 23 Nov 2011, 12:59, Reply)

Did I ninja you? Sorry.

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 13:00, Reply)

Doesn't matter.
You still sucked at Countdown.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Wed 23 Nov 2011, 13:01, Reply)

Yup, I really did.
I didn't score in the first three rounds...

Mind you, I kicked his arse after that. It was just too late.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 13:04, Reply)

Better than I could have done.
I can never get more than three or four letter words when I try. Mind you, that might say slightly more about my vocabulary than anything else...

Who picked those stupid fucking numbers, though?
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Wed 23 Nov 2011, 13:08, Reply)

that's not like a puddle party, right?

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 12:36, Reply)

not if you're not coming, darling

( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 12:42, Reply)

Alt Alt: SPASTIC REHABILITATION CENTRE ADMITS TO EARLY DISCHARGE OF PATIENT

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 12:27, Reply)

You may need to narrow this one down(s) a bit

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 12:28, Reply)

More than one B3tans qualify for that one.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 12:29, Reply)

I'm SKANKING AROUND MY OFFICE TO TOO MUCH TOO YOUNG

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 12:29, Reply)

richard ashcroft now, whadda prick

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 12:32, Reply)

Luckily the subject has provided an edifying response

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 12:31, Reply)

fucken richard ashcroft fucken song for the lovers fucken shit

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 12:33, Reply)

There's a b3tan who went to school with The Verve
IIRC, he said they were arseholes.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 12:38, Reply)

Unsurprising fact is unsurprising.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 12:53, Reply)

Alt: Last remaining in thieving romany/irish traveller in the UK dies a very painful death.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 12:31, Reply)

For a moment I thought this was a b3tan headline
Why do you hate CHCB, Battered? Why?
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 12:49, Reply)

NORWICH FAN GETS REAL (AND DIVORCES HIS SISTER)
BADGER CURES CANCER (IN MOTHS)
PAPERCLIP RAPIST GETS LIFE (BUT NOT LAID)
SISTER-SHAGGER SQUATS IN CONVENT
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 12:33, Reply)

Who's the top one about?

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 12:37, Reply)

no idea
but i know everyone in norwich marries their siblings at age 6 or something, so...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 12:40, Reply)

hey, I never touched moths or cancer
that was goat or something.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 12:37, Reply)

it's not all about you
there is more than one badger on here, you know
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 12:39, Reply)

yes but the moth guy isn't a badger.
so in this case, it is, isn't it?
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 12:42, Reply)

well i could have put
HOCKEY PLAYER ARRESTED FOR FLASHING HIS PINK SOCK

i thought this was kinder. to everyone.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 12:43, Reply)

well that's definitely true
the kinder thing, I mean.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 12:44, Reply)

yeeeeah
course you did, sweetheart. course you did.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 12:45, Reply)

Alt AND Alt Alt:
NORWICH-BASED MAN SUCCESSFULLY SUES WEBSITE FOR TERRIBLE BULLYING, CLAIMS SOULS OF PERSECUTORS, TRADES FOR BEER
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 12:34, Reply)

yeah
enjoy your half a pint
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 12:36, Reply)

I reckon there are plenty of people who'd give me a good price for Monty's soul
Scientists interested in the existance of anti-matter, for one
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 12:38, Reply)

OH FINE
Invite the Northern bird, AND the bald guy with pink socks, but not the guy that lives just down the railway line.

Whatever. I hate you, anyway.
( Kroney, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 12:47, Reply)

i haven't invited anyone yet!
but i am the northern bird. how can i not be invited to my own party?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 12:58, Reply)

He's confused northern with western.
And why don't I have an invite?
(Bazongaloid, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 13:08, Reply)

No, I haven't.

( Kroney, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 13:10, Reply)

Oh you meant berk. She's a midlander surely.

(Bazongaloid, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 13:18, Reply)

She didn't sound it at Monty's bash
proper thick-as-molasses ferret-fancying accent, by the sounds of it.

Edit: Not that it matters, you're all Northerners to me.
( Kroney, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 13:20, Reply)

She most certainly is not
I live there, I'm not from there.

EDIT - you can fuck off and all, radio 4.
(berk, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 13:37, Reply)

Midlander: There can be only one.
Pretty sure you are in Warwickshire, not the Midlands.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 13:39, Reply)

I live in Warwickshire now
but I lived in Birmingham for the last three years. And I'm still not from either of those places.
(berk, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 13:40, Reply)

ALL THE NORTH

( Kroney, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 13:41, Reply)

It's not all Here Be Dragons up here, you know
I can't help it if you've never ventured north of the M4.
(berk, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 13:44, Reply)

I have, but only whilst in the company of a heavily armed group of professional mercenaries.

( Kroney, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 13:49, Reply)

I done a film reference.
And I've never even seen that film.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 13:41, Reply)

Piers 'Morgan' Moron has face ripped off during live broadcast.
Police refusing to answer phone.
( thealternativefact, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 12:34, Reply)

Did you see his interview with Paul Gascoigne?
It was so sad to see a man who seemed to have so much potential reduced to a pathetic sideshow selling his soul and dignity on a tawdry ITV chat show just to keep his name in the public mind.

Gazza looked well though.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 12:42, Reply)

Ha ha.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 12:46, Reply)

Alt: Cast of Loose Women sentenced to death for crimes against humanity.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 12:41, Reply)

Cast of Loose Women sentenced to death for crimes against humanity.

/90's Dadrock joke
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 12:43, Reply)

Anyone calling Cast "rock" needs a good solid cunting in the murray
you can kill them any way you choose, though.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 12:47, Reply)

Well, quite.
I couldn't quite remember the genre label that was given at the time, but Dadrock rang a bell for all the Weller-eaque dirge that was around.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 12:49, Reply)

alt: RED WINE PREVENTS CANCER, HAIRLOSS
alt alt: ENFIELD SUSHI RESTAURANT FORCED TO CLOSE: "BLOOD AND FAECES EVERYWHERE"
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 12:48, Reply)

alt alt
haha. ouch.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 12:49, Reply)

Default lunch.
PIZZA IS A VEGETABLE.......Oh yeah! already been done.

MEMBERS OF ON-LINE COMMUNITY FIND GOD EN MASS!
( girlinthehole, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 12:51, Reply)

+ TURNS OUT THEY'D MOVED HIM TO THEIR PORN FOLDERS AND FORGOTTEN ABOUT HIM

(Bazongaloid, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 13:03, Reply)

I'm not wearing any shoes.
Feeling your toes on the office carpet is very liberating.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 13:03, Reply)

Try rubbing your cock on the underside of your desk too.
You may liberate a few million little Als
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 13:05, Reply)

Your sensuality knows no bounds.

( girlinthehole, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 13:05, Reply)

Especially when it comes to you Blousie.

(Bazongaloid, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 13:07, Reply)

*touches screen in longing manner*

( girlinthehole, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 13:11, Reply)

*reciprocates touching*
*imagines our fingers are finding each other through the internet*
(Bazongaloid, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 13:18, Reply)

Internet circlejerk

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 13:31, Reply)

LOVE ON A ROLLERCOASTER OF DEATH!!!!
Shit music fans mourn the passing of ginger pancake warbler Mick Hucknell today. Hucknell (84) from Wick suffered a near fatal decapitation as he was getting married on a roller coaster at Alton Towers. He later died in hospital from his injuries.
( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 13:04, Reply)

Why would you let him live to 84?

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 13:06, Reply)

He's not? Fuck, the years have not been kind.

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 13:06, Reply)

His face is too shite to mention

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 13:31, Reply)

Is it lunchtime?
meh.

Alt: Weston super Mare couple win record lottery jackpot

Alt Alt: Police uncover Lancashire sex dungeon: more than a dozen male prisoners released
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Wed 23 Nov 2011, 13:06, Reply)

Psst! it's West Yorshire.
( girlinthehole, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 13:11, Reply)

Is it?
*redirects police swat team*
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Wed 23 Nov 2011, 13:23, Reply)

POLICE SWAT TEAM GOES MISSING - UNIFORMS FOUND IN WEST YORKS LANDFILL

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 13:37, Reply)

When did TGB move?

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 13:48, Reply)

Haha!
I actually read that as Lanarkshire, you McMinx
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 13:24, Reply)

DISINTERESTED SKIVERS FAIL TO RELIEVE BOREDOM ON INTERNET

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 13:29, Reply)

I LIKE THIS
reponds Cow, 36, The North
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 13:29, Reply)