Good morning OffTopic
How are we all this bright and festive December morning? Feeling sprightly and ready to recommence our working lives in the boozy post-Christmas haze?

Who am I kidding, this week is a complete waste of everyone's time. I'll be fucking stunned if we get ten phone calls in total today. And Stunned, you agreed to this bet, provide your own lube.

Tell me of your Christmas joys and back-at-work woes.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 8:08, 123 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Sympathy reply.
Hahaha, you're at work. I'm not at work. I'm tired, but at least I'm not at work.

Morning dear. Having a good day?
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Wed 28 Dec 2011, 9:03, Reply)

Shit, only just noticed this, sorry darling
So far my day has consisted of shouting at the company who're supposed to have delivered your birthday present by now and FUCK ALL else. Good Christmas?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 9:21, Reply)

Yeah, not bad, ta.
Just about to head out to Costco, which should be exciting. Himself wants a new toy, so he can't get out the door quick enough.

Did they give you any idea when I might be able to expect my present? I need *stuff*!
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Wed 28 Dec 2011, 9:41, Reply)

No, just lots of apologies about it not having arrived yet
Their vagueness concerns me
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 9:47, Reply)

This is not good enough.

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Wed 28 Dec 2011, 9:52, Reply)

I don't even like big boobs.

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 9:17, Reply)

Bender

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 9:38, Reply)

Mmmmm penis

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 9:41, Reply)

^this

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Wed 28 Dec 2011, 9:42, Reply)

*agrees with b3th*

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 9:52, Reply)

Busiest time of the year for me.
Stupid people being drunk and ill.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 9:41, Reply)

Also, nice they sneaked this out before christmas.
www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-16337904
(PsychoChomp, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 9:46, Reply)

That's charming.
ConDem Britain for you. There aren't enough massive rich companies getting the taxpayer shekel!
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 9:51, Reply)

ffs

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 9:51, Reply)

Can't see links on my phone, unfortunately.
Is it the thing about cancer patients relying on charity?
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Wed 28 Dec 2011, 9:55, Reply)

No they're lifting the limit of money NHS hospitals can get from private patients
from 2% to 49%.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 9:56, Reply)

Oh yes,i read that.

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Wed 28 Dec 2011, 9:59, Reply)

no, its the shit about
how it's fine for rich people to get fixed while everyone else can get to fuck
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 9:56, Reply)

Yes.
Fucking cancer patients, coming over here using our NHS.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 9:57, Reply)

Waste. Of. Fucking. Time.
I am going to the Wetherspoons in a minute for an early pint.

*lubes self up*
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 9:48, Reply)

Bloody hell
You really are a monster. Which one?
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 9:52, Reply)

Liberty Bounds.
Fancy it?
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 9:52, Reply)

I'm at work
but I've got a very boring week ahead. Let me know if you're still on the train at 5.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 11:08, Reply)

not at work - woo!
might go swimming later, then archery (but only if my arrows get delivered today)
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 9:52, Reply)

hey, you
I saw a whole episode of strickly come dancing on christmas day. It was shit. 10 minutes of content spread over a whole hour of my life. Also, ballroom dancing seems to involve a few seconds shit acting before dancing. How do you respond?
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 9:54, Reply)

Camply, I would imagine.

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Wed 28 Dec 2011, 9:56, Reply)

Strictly Come Dancing seems to be some sort of pet project on the part of the BBC
Every year it distances itself further from actual Ballroom Dancing. I also saw the Christmas special and would concur.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 10:05, Reply)

of course
I now assume this is what you do, since that (and the film with nearly the same name) is my only contact with the artform
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 10:06, Reply)

It actually annoys me that the programme includes the word "Strictly"
It's like 24 incorporating the word "realism" into its title.

The film is pretty accurate, if a bit shit.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 10:15, Reply)

the strickness comes from
the iron fist with which Bruce Forsythe rules the show. He's actually a drag dominatrix offscreen. Probably
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 10:19, Reply)

Oh thank god I haven't had breakfast yet
I must admit I'm intrigued to see if he outlives the show. Or dies live on air.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 10:21, Reply)

Did anyone watch the tribute to David Croft on BBC2 last night?

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 10:03, Reply)

did they put his corpse in a bath
and roll it down a hill?
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 10:07, Reply)

That wouldn't have been much of a tribute!!

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 10:13, Reply)

I thought he did
last of the summer wine?`
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 10:13, Reply)

That was Roy Clark.

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 28 Dec 2011, 10:26, Reply)

well that screwed up my hilarious joke

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 10:28, Reply)

Well I for one laughed my fucking arse off
You've got breasts, right?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 10:29, Reply)

i knew they had a use for something

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 10:30, Reply)

*eats Bamboo, is endangered*

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 10:32, Reply)

I'm going to spend this week
watching DVDs and pissing around on the net.
Such is working when noone else is here.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Wed 28 Dec 2011, 10:24, Reply)

I'm not too great actually, Darth.
Had a rough break-up woes Christmas. It's been a constant saga since the summer. Been pretty miserable. Rattling around in a flat on your own is never good fun when you're down, but at the same time I really haven't been up for seeing family.

Also I'm having to work the next three days, so that blows.

Still. There's light at the end of the tunnel. I think I'm near the end of the whole sorry business and I'm looking forward to hitting 2012 like a greased up motherfucker from the planet Big Bollocks.
( Kroney, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 10:24, Reply)

Sorry to hear that mate, sounds like no fun at all
Did you get moved OK? Hope you can make a fresh start and all that
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 10:28, Reply)

It really isn't. It wasn't my choice either, which makes it worse.
I've found it difficult to let go as we were together a long time. Still. Onwards and upwards.

Yeah move's all good. Am looking forward to the new bash season as it'll be easier for me to get in for them now.
( Kroney, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 10:37, Reply)

Are you closer to London now then?
Please bear in mind that my knowledge of the geography of the south is shockingly poor.

All the best with moving on - I assume you'll be knee-deep in clunge as soon as you feel up to hitting the singles bars.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 10:40, Reply)

Yeah, I'm just outside the M25 now.
Not quite night-bus range, but with the travel costs being lower I won't feel the pinch of a hotel room as much.

Haha, yeah, sure. I have never had women queuing up as long as I've lived.
( Kroney, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 10:59, Reply)

but I heard you were a perfect physical specimen

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 11:02, Reply)

I may have been exaggerating for comic effect.
I have a heroic immune system, that much is true.
( Kroney, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 11:05, Reply)

lies?! On the internet?!

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 11:06, Reply)

boo :(
but yay for greased up big bollocks
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 10:28, Reply)

A new year always helps.
It's only a date, but it's significant.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Wed 28 Dec 2011, 10:31, Reply)

In my case it's an aid to procrastination
I've got various plans for the new year - the usual stuff like lose weight, build muscle, do more dance practice, etc - which I'm excusing myself putting off starting until January 1st
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 10:33, Reply)

I've been told that I'm getting fit this year. I fully expect to be bullied into it.
It'll be interesting to have toned muscles for the first time ever, but I can't say I'm looking forward to the intial feeling-like-complete-shit stage.

Still, being single seems like the appropriate time to get hot, I guess.
( Kroney, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 11:01, Reply)

There's no feeling quite like the endorphins following a decent session
It's not QUITE sufficient to outweigh the searing pain required to achieve it, though
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 11:06, Reply)

Excellent motivational pep-talk there, Darth.

( Kroney, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 11:08, Reply)

how about
thinking there might be girls at the gym, some of whom are there as a desperate attempt to meet boys
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 11:09, Reply)

I'm certainly not going to the gym.
It smells of sweaty socks and they rob you blind.
( Kroney, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 11:13, Reply)

A friend of mine swears blind that everyone who goes to the gym does so because they are consumed with self-loathing
and people stop going once their self-esteem is sufficiently built, not their biceps.

I'm with Kroney on this one, I'm not paying £50 a month to use machines which will have much the same effect as "going for a fucking run", which is free.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 11:15, Reply)

well, um
I'm a low-self-esteemed-chump then, I'm off to the gym later if I feel less sick.
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 11:19, Reply)

I never said I subscribed to this theory
I know plenty of gym-goers who are narcissistic cunts. Not you, obviously. Oh, Jesus.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 11:21, Reply)

*taps foot impatiently*
get out of that hole*, foxtrot

*fnarr fnarr
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 11:22, Reply)

Let's discuss this over dinner, shall we?
You do have breasts, right?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 11:26, Reply)

breasts are so helpful for
social interaction
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 11:32, Reply)

They can reply when I talk to them?

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 11:35, Reply)

It's more the reputation they have for snidely
re-establishing your direct debit when you cancel it and so on that bothers me. I've heard so many stories along these lines from people that have tried leaving gyms that I'm not going to take the risk.
( Kroney, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 11:22, Reply)

I'm not your personal trainer mate
I can lie to you about how massively enjoyable weightlifting is, but you'll be really annoyed when you find out the truth.

Top tip - if you're doing free weights at home, watch a DVD at the same time. Find a TV series you've always meant to get into and LoveFilm it, tailor your workout to be about the same length as an episode. Works for the treadmill too.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 11:10, Reply)

Now this I might try.

( Kroney, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 11:13, Reply)

It's particularly handy when you wake up at 7am
and your brain says "So the choice is, do 45 minutes of free weights, or stay in bed for 45 minutes?"

Add in "whilst watching Battlestar Galactica" and it gets much easier to do.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 11:16, Reply)

I'm listening to "Do Your Thing" by Basement Jaxx
It's such a superb tune that it makes you wonder why almost everything else they did was unmitigated shite
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 10:38, Reply)

I never liked that one. Red Alert was better.

( Kroney, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 11:00, Reply)

Ugh
Bender
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 11:06, Reply)

Try The Maxx - Cocaine.
A work of genius.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 11:09, Reply)

Dearie me
I can't be seen to listen to music with such a dubious subject matter, old boy
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 11:11, Reply)

You've listened to worse.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 11:15, Reply)

Prove it

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 11:17, Reply)

You like thrash metal. Or metal anyway.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 11:18, Reply)

I was about to say "not really, not any more"
but the fact that your point was phrased in the past tense renders that defense untenable.

Well done.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 11:20, Reply)

*tries to resucitate thread*
TITS!
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 10:56, Reply)

POIDH

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 10:59, Reply)

up2.it/ali/melons.jpg
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 11:01, Reply)

You want to see a doctor love
*produces stethoscope*
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 11:04, Reply)

I have discovered a packet of Yorkie biscuits.
Suddenly the day has brightened.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Wed 28 Dec 2011, 11:02, Reply)

i didn't even know they existed
I have shortbread, chocolate orange and about a metre of jaffa cakes. Unfortunately I feel a bit sick, possibly because until about 8pm last night i'd only eaten toffifee
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 11:03, Reply)

or I suppose, in retrospect
it could be the fumes from melting organza with a soldering iron
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 11:09, Reply)

What's Organza?

(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Wed 28 Dec 2011, 11:22, Reply)

that see-through-y fabric
which melts really quickly when you put a soldering iron on it
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 11:23, Reply)

I've been eating non fucking stop.
Seriously, I've pigged out so much this week.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Wed 28 Dec 2011, 11:10, Reply)

You called?

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Wed 28 Dec 2011, 11:08, Reply)

is that your superhero name?

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 11:11, Reply)

Princess MegaNorks

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 11:12, Reply)

At your service

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Wed 28 Dec 2011, 11:13, Reply)

do you have a big boob crown?
with little pointy nips made of rubies?
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 11:14, Reply)

Me and my work lad have been for a pint.
It hasn't helped. Today is going to be a long day!!
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 11:08, Reply)

Your "work lad"?
God, so many jokes. Where to begin...

Did you give him johnnies for the afternoon's work?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 11:14, Reply)

I pay him in spunk.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 11:16, Reply)

If he's a smart lad he's bottling it
then splicing it with lion and deer spunk and using turkey basters to impregnate eagles, leading to the creation of a centaur/griffin hybrid army which will enslave London and, eventually, Greater London under his tyrannical command.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 11:19, Reply)

I, for one, welcome our new centaur/griffin hybrid overlords.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 11:20, Reply)

Am a bit worried that I've blown all my creativity for today on that one post
Manticore is an awesome word, incidentally
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 11:23, Reply)

and how have your experiments been going so far?

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 11:21, Reply)

Lions are surprisingly difficult to wank off

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 11:23, Reply)

Tiny cocks
That's why they're always so bitey.
( Kroney, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 11:26, Reply)

We've ended up with Nick Griffin (geddit?) and a minotaur.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 11:26, Reply)

I'd fucking love that
Build a labyrinth with the House of Commons at its centre, set them loose at opposite ends, see which reaches the chamber first, hilarious consequences guaranteed.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 11:32, Reply)

You're one of those that keeps Facebook for real people only, right?

( Kroney, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 11:23, Reply)

I'm friends with plenty of b3tans, if that answers your questions
Only the ones I like though, it's not a "gotta catch 'em all" thing
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 11:24, Reply)

Ah right, maybe it was someone else then.
I'm sure somebody said the other day that they don't have online weirdos on their friends lists.

Maybe it was tangles.
( Kroney, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 11:25, Reply)

Quite possibly, I'm not FB friends with him
I know Apey keeps the two separate
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 11:27, Reply)

Bit of a tangent there, Foxo, think nothing of it.

( Kroney, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 11:30, Reply)

*thinks*
*frets*
*panics*
*builds nuclear bunker*
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 11:31, Reply)

Comrade Quixote does too

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 13:09, Reply)

We've just been overtaken by the weirdest looking car.
Apparently it's a nissan cube. Fucking odd thing.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Wed 28 Dec 2011, 11:14, Reply)

you are in modernist art land
aicmfp
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 11:15, Reply)

I like the headlights on it.
And when I say "headlights" I don't mean tits.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 11:17, Reply)

But the back window! It's not in the centre! It looks weird.

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Wed 28 Dec 2011, 11:35, Reply)

Import only, those things.
People have to want one of those weird fuckers enough to pay someone to import them from Japan.
( Kroney, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 11:31, Reply)

*googles*
urgh
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 11:37, Reply)

What hides in a bakery at christmas?
A mince spy.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 11:33, Reply)

Have you been playing with crackers?
You little scamp.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Wed 28 Dec 2011, 11:35, Reply)

the strange thing was
it was a jacobs cream cracker, but in a very unlikely situation, the brown and white bits spelt out the joke.
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 11:38, Reply)

Morning Jeff

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 11:35, Reply)

Morning.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 12:47, Reply)

Afternoon all
I too am not at work but I didn't know whether or not my cleaner was coming this week so I had to get out of bed anyway. I ended up going for a Full English breakfast and then taking some old computer stuff to the recycling centre.

An old PC, three fuck-off huge old CRT Monitors and an ancient portable black and white telly. And by portable I mean I could pick it up without grunting, not pocket size or anything. Now my arms are fucking killing me. I should definitely start going to the gym again.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 13:13, Reply)

Afternoon
Christmas was OK, presents were shit, but I don't actually give that much of a shit. The food was fantastic, we had a buffet yesterday, gammon, top quality cheeses, things like that. Had a rather pungent smelling brie, which was absolutely delicious.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 13:13, Reply)