Listen up Ducks.
I bring you news. News that one of our number is missing.

It is my unfortunate duty to inform you that Battered has been stepped. Stepped, not for 24 or 48 hours. But for longer than that. A whole 3 days.

When Zammo had his drug problems in Grange Hill the cast and crew gathered and scored a hit single, 'Just Say No!' to help their hero.

Now our very own Zammo has fallen foul of the rule-makers with one comment too many. Therefore, to show your support for him, I urge you to 'Just say NONCE!'.

To understand just how Battered is feeling, he isn't even remotely angry, he's just disappiointed. Disappointed that such a scary thing could happen to him.

So. Support the GRANGE HILL ONE and send him a postcard with the word NONCE on it to the usual address.

Peace out.

West-side.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 20 May 2012, 17:05, 95 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Hey Jeff, did you hear that Rory's a nonce?
I just wrote it, so it must be true.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Sun 20 May 2012, 17:07, Reply)

Alright DG
Your nonce/not your nonce.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 20 May 2012, 17:08, Reply)

I was walking the dog yesterday
And I got a mental flashback to Rakky breaking on the Sunday afternoon, which just set me off again.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Sun 20 May 2012, 17:10, Reply)

That was a funny as anything.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 20 May 2012, 17:11, Reply)

It was most humourous.

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Sun 20 May 2012, 17:16, Reply)

It was a good weekend all round.
But today, our thoughts should be with Brother Battered.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 20 May 2012, 17:25, Reply)

He'll be fine, I'm sure.

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Sun 20 May 2012, 17:30, Reply)

I believe he will be.
Done much this weekend?
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 20 May 2012, 17:31, Reply)

Bits and bobs.
Got out for a walk yesterday, went to see a band last night. Today has been mostly house chores and now I'm about to prepare fajitas as the inlaws are coming round for dinner. What about your good self?
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Sun 20 May 2012, 17:37, Reply)

Pub and fun times.
And watching footy, and eating pizza. Oh, and bacon sarnies.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 20 May 2012, 17:41, Reply)

I see Monty's holding a bash in your honour.
That coincides with the end period of my current contract extension. If I can get cheap train tickets and a hotel we'll probably be there.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Sun 20 May 2012, 17:45, Reply)

Woo hoo!

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 20 May 2012, 17:45, Reply)

The rate this is going, I'll hopefully be permanent by then!

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Sun 20 May 2012, 17:47, Reply)

Even better!

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 20 May 2012, 17:48, Reply)

Keep an eye on RedSpottedHanky
www.redspottedhanky.com/
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 20 May 2012, 17:50, Reply)

Never heard of that before.
I'll keep it in mind, ta. Although I just did a test check for 3 months time and the train prices are ludicrous at the moment.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Sun 20 May 2012, 18:02, Reply)

Are flights a possibilty?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 20 May 2012, 18:03, Reply)

Maybe, although Squeezyjet only fly to Stansted
and then you're looking at BA for Heathrow or Gatwick. Then you've got the whole traipsing across London thing to factor in as well.

I can set an East Coast ticket alert to hopefully get the cheapest train tickets, but they tend to sell out fast.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Sun 20 May 2012, 18:13, Reply)

Well fingers cross it is something that comes in on budget.
It should be a right good giggle.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 20 May 2012, 18:16, Reply)

Scratch that, looks like Squeezyjet have stopped doing that run.
It's BA - Heathrow or Flybe - Gatwick.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Sun 20 May 2012, 18:21, Reply)

The train would probably be easiest.
It'll get you central.

Depends where Stunned and Monty decided to base things of course.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 20 May 2012, 18:22, Reply)

I've just checked both websites.
Flights are reasonable but then there's the cost and time to get into the centre; it'll probably work out cheaper and quicker to train it down anyway.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Sun 20 May 2012, 18:27, Reply)

Well get your alerts set-up and count down the days!
I've just sent Monty a text to find out when him and Stunned Poster are thinking of going out to find a suitable location.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 20 May 2012, 18:28, Reply)

TERRIBLE BULLYING OF THE LOVELY RORY!
:(
CALL THE MODS!
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Sun 20 May 2012, 20:21, Reply)

Bwah hah hah
Just say nonce, indeed.

I think this just proves that we need an /ot specific mod. I vote for me, as I have never nonced anyone up. Not even a little bit.

The elderly are not as safe from me, but everyone knows there are no old people on the internet.

Except lemonparty. Which turned me right on.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Sun 20 May 2012, 17:36, Reply)

You'd be a good OT mod.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 20 May 2012, 17:42, Reply)

Yes.
Yes you DO need a mod here.
BALDMONKEY FOR /OT TOP-MOD!
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Sun 20 May 2012, 20:24, Reply)

Hang on, wait.
Did you just say that Battered was TD?
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Sun 20 May 2012, 17:37, Reply)

No. I didn't.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 20 May 2012, 17:43, Reply)

he totally did
SCANDAL!
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Sun 20 May 2012, 17:44, Reply)

Alright Captain.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 20 May 2012, 17:45, Reply)

evening
how's your weekend been, sir?
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Sun 20 May 2012, 17:47, Reply)

As per my reply to DG

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 20 May 2012, 17:48, Reply)

once again, I should read the rest of
threads before replying
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Sun 20 May 2012, 17:50, Reply)

Never mind.
Did you have a LARP-tastic weekend?
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 20 May 2012, 17:53, Reply)

i wasn't larping this weekend
next one is weekend after next, which is also MY BIRTHDAY. So I reckon I've got to finally pull, right? If I just go up to guys and be all like "PITY ME! I AM A SPINSTER AND UNLOVED AND IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!". watertight plan, I reckon.

So what did silly old Battered do?
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Sun 20 May 2012, 17:55, Reply)

The clue is in the original message....
Why are you having a Birthday Bash?
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 20 May 2012, 17:56, Reply)

actual noncing?
grim. Or is this more accusing people of noncing?
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Sun 20 May 2012, 17:58, Reply)

It was Rory being 'loltastic', I believe.

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Sun 20 May 2012, 18:00, Reply)

You know that scene in Leathal Weapon where the girl is being interigrated in a short white dress and she swaps around what leg is on top when crossing her legs and you get to see a bit if minge.
Well, do that, dressed as Princess Zelda, but half way through (when you're exposesd) let out a high pitch screach sound and then yell "DISK ERROR - PLEASE REINSERT FLOPPY DISK".
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Sun 20 May 2012, 18:33, Reply)

um,
no
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Sun 20 May 2012, 18:39, Reply)

Damn, 'cus that would have totally worked for me.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Sun 20 May 2012, 18:41, Reply)

it's hard to get a zelda costume
(that isn't link)
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Sun 20 May 2012, 18:42, Reply)

You could nip down the fishmongers, put an octopus on your head and wear a blue morphsuit then tell people you're a Zora.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Sun 20 May 2012, 18:45, Reply)

i might do that

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Sun 20 May 2012, 18:47, Reply)

Insist you sit down cross legged and everyone carries you around.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Sun 20 May 2012, 18:49, Reply)

You do make me laugh, Gonz

( Kroney, Sun 20 May 2012, 20:36, Reply)

I have a new theory
cat ladies happen because cats are in fact drawn to the houses of single women. There have been three of the feckers in the garden this afternoon. I think they are gathering
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Sun 20 May 2012, 18:00, Reply)

They're plotting to evict you and to steal your shed.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 20 May 2012, 18:17, Reply)

little bastards

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Sun 20 May 2012, 18:20, Reply)

They are going to wait until you are low on super noodles and then strike.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 20 May 2012, 18:21, Reply)

screw those guys
I've given up on that shit. I've got tesco to tell me what to eat now. I have given up my free will to The Man. Tonight I eat beef stirfry
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Sun 20 May 2012, 18:23, Reply)

They know their own...

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Sun 20 May 2012, 18:18, Reply)

they will not take me alive!

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Sun 20 May 2012, 18:20, Reply)

That'll suit them, Because they want you DEAD.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 20 May 2012, 18:21, Reply)

SHIT

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Sun 20 May 2012, 18:23, Reply)

Why not put a cat flap on the shed.
You could share it with them then.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 20 May 2012, 18:24, Reply)

i'm not falling for that one

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Sun 20 May 2012, 18:28, Reply)

Why not?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 20 May 2012, 18:28, Reply)

it's just a first small step to being
a crazy cat lady
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Sun 20 May 2012, 18:31, Reply)

They're
after the pigs. One of them, with Peruvian ancestry, probably found a dead one round the corner, liked the taste and has alerted all his mates.
Be very careful.
Or lure the cats in using the cavies as bait and eat the cats. They taste like chicken, according to my Peruvian mate,who also says cavies taste like chicken.
So, please yer phuckin' self.
(Phudbree oh man, the Doric Yorick, Sun 20 May 2012, 19:54, Reply)

It's a shame when someone can be persicuted for a mental condition that is achklodiged (but not recongsed) by the 'British Assosiation of Phsycratric People'.
People used to call the thick kids in class thick, now they say they've got dyslexia.
People used to call the hyper kids in class hyper, now they say they've got ADHD
When will we finally call our incredibly angry tiny* men SMS (Short Man Syndrom) Suffers?

* nowt to do with the inches between your shoes and hat.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Sun 20 May 2012, 18:37, Reply)

Woah! HAPPY CANDLEDAY THE LOVELY GONZY!
*Cakerapes*
:D
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Sun 20 May 2012, 20:25, Reply)

I think you'll find that I'M Disappointed
If Battered is having a few days personality swap of being me shouldn't I have been consulted a bit?

What was his offence?
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Sun 20 May 2012, 19:05, Reply)

Repeatedly calling Scaryduck a nonce.
It's akin to us calling Battered a heroin addict because he looks like Zammo from Grange Hill.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Sun 20 May 2012, 19:25, Reply)

BOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBORED

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Sun 20 May 2012, 19:30, Reply)

Start a new thread then.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 20 May 2012, 19:36, Reply)

won't this one do?
there aren't really enough people around for a succesful new thread. PLus i've nothing to say
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Sun 20 May 2012, 19:41, Reply)

Only boring people are bored, they say.
In my experience, it's generally very intelligent people who get bored.

I get bored a lot.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Sun 20 May 2012, 19:49, Reply)

As soon as I've finished these invoices I will participate
I'm sorry to say.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Sun 20 May 2012, 19:37, Reply)

Yay
Invoices.
Just the thing to keep a Sunday evening audience entertained. They're bad enough on a Monday morning.
You must work for the BBC, or Dave or LBC.
Or yourself.
(Phudbree oh man, the Doric Yorick, Sun 20 May 2012, 20:02, Reply)

Yes I work for myself
It wasn't "Worlds Scariest Invoices" or "Invoices on Ice" or "I'm an Invoice get me out of here."

A lot of red ink has been expended in the last hour.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Sun 20 May 2012, 20:45, Reply)

I've just got back from The Ivy.
Food was bare trill. Spoiled only by Claire Sweeney sitting on the table next to us. Fuck me she's loud.
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Sun 20 May 2012, 20:00, Reply)

Evening all
I shall pour out a forty for my homey Battered.

I just did my chicken wrapped in pancetta stuffed with goats cheese, scotch bonnet pickle and baby spinach again, just as nice as last time (possibly even nicer as the balance of cheese and chilli was better). I am now stuffed with a lovely warm glow. Catching up with several episodes of The Almighty Johnsons, then an early night I reckon. Woo!
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Sun 20 May 2012, 20:02, Reply)

Evening
I'm currently laboriously digitising my music collection. I've discovered a load of albums and singles that I've forgotten I owned and I'm struggling to remember why I bought some of them.
( Kroney, Sun 20 May 2012, 20:12, Reply)

Hey The LOVELY Jeff.
You seem to be de-facto King Of The Autisms round here. By which I mean you're some sort of god compared to most of them.
We want some new icons, but don't want to have any decent b3tans killed in order to get them. So I was thinking about some sort of Battle Royale scenario where we get 50 no-hopers, 10 each from /board, /talk, /QOTW, /Links and here and get them to fight to the death.
Have you got any nominations?
Not Amberl mind, because now that Blue Star's gone there's nobody tougher than her except Jenpots, and we can't let a real-life ninja loose, it wouldn't be a fair fight.
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Sun 20 May 2012, 20:30, Reply)

do you have a tiny little swastika?
I think that'd be popular.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Sun 20 May 2012, 20:42, Reply)

You're volunteering? Excellent. :D
*Puts The LIght In Chains on the /OT List.*
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Sun 20 May 2012, 20:44, Reply)

Sorry. After Amberl, the only other Off Topic hardman has been stepped.
So we'd have to make tactical retreat.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 20 May 2012, 20:46, Reply)

Yeah, but I'm looking on it as not just a way to get NEW ICONS, but also to weed out some of the unworthy.
And by 'unworthy' I do of course mean Ginges.
:D
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Sun 20 May 2012, 20:51, Reply)

I'm liking this idea.
We've had Stamford Bridge, Hastings, Towton and Marston Moor.

Now for the Battle of The Bedroom at my Mum's House, or Battle of Call Centre Desk.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Sun 20 May 2012, 20:54, Reply)

Ta for volunteering.
*Adds The Disappointed to list*
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Sun 20 May 2012, 20:54, Reply)

I'm prepared to adjudicate
Or possibly get a roll of wallpaper and create a Bayeaux Tapestry for our times on the back of it.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Sun 20 May 2012, 20:57, Reply)

I suppose we ought to add Monty to the list.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 20 May 2012, 20:57, Reply)

Aww, man I like Monty.
:(
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Sun 20 May 2012, 21:00, Reply)

And Stunned.
He'll be like our Andre The Giant type.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 20 May 2012, 21:01, Reply)

In that case MANOLITH! I CHOOSE YOU!
:D
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Sun 20 May 2012, 21:05, Reply)

We raise you a Bobby Pires
(Sorry Bob).
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 20 May 2012, 21:10, Reply)

Don't make me unleash the horde of baldmonkey's other accounts Jeff.

( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Sun 20 May 2012, 21:16, Reply)

hahahaha
Does that count as one person or 10?
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 20 May 2012, 21:22, Reply)

10?, Only 10? 10,000 more like.
Don't you know that Zulu was a thinly-veiled allegory of baldmonkey's Reign Of Terror?

"Baldmonkey sah! Faasaands of 'im!"
"Stop. Frowing. Those. BLOODY WASHING MACHINES. At. Me!"
:D
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Sun 20 May 2012, 21:31, Reply)

The /talk person has broken o/t.
Can that be right?
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Sun 20 May 2012, 22:02, Reply)

It was like that when I got here.
And you can't prove otherwise.
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Sun 20 May 2012, 22:21, Reply)

On balance
I retract my allegation.

Broken, or a jigsaw?
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Sun 20 May 2012, 22:35, Reply)

A'ight.

(berk, Sun 20 May 2012, 22:44, Reply)