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rob, Sun 1 Apr 2001, 1:00)
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If you were to start your own cult, how would you recruit people? What rules would you have?What would be the founding principles?
Alt: I am hoping you have choked to death when having your lunch, so no mention of your meal thanks, instead tell me of your shed memories.
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Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 9 Jul 2012, 13:19,
170 replies,
latest was 13 years ago)
I have never wanked off in my shedI'll get back to you on the cult thing
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Peej, Mon 9 Jul 2012, 13:24,
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I would organise, through some sort of social mediaor wide reaching "web" arrangement, for people to meet up.
I would probably arrange these meets or "bashes" in public houses where the invited attendees could get drunk. Then I'd pressgang the bastards and force them into a life of sexual servitude.
The founding principle would be "Work sets you free".
Alt alt: I had a shed load of drugs once. Do I win five pounds?
(, Mon 9 Jul 2012, 13:25, Reply)
Yes you win £5. Think of it as an award from the criminal injuries compensation board in recognition of the theft of your drugs. (
Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 9 Jul 2012, 13:28,
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I've seen Shed seven 'in concert'(
Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Mon 9 Jul 2012, 13:29,
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we all have to suck strange people off at some point, chin up eh Q(
Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Mon 9 Jul 2012, 13:37,
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Whenever I see anyone with an eyebrow piercing i think of the "rapper" in 5ivethat's how cool they are
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Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 9 Jul 2012, 13:36,
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oh god euuurghi saw this guy while i was out at lunch, used to be a work contact, well into his forties, eyebrow and top of his ear pierced but always smartly dressed in a suit
his "girlfriend" is a flat-chested 18 year old with short 'i look like a boy' hair that looks like a boy. bleurgh
(, Mon 9 Jul 2012, 13:38, Reply)
a man over 20 with piercings is no man in my eyes(
Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 9 Jul 2012, 13:41,
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yeah b ut teenagers are idiots, so can be forgiven(
Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 9 Jul 2012, 13:48,
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I remember when I was a ladthere was a massive shed in the field near my house, it was an eyesore. It was 22m long and blocked the view of the river. It was the bane of the village, the elders gathered to discuss the problem. They came up with an ingenious plan. They would split the Shed into two 11m parts and move them apart, thus restoring sightline and access to the river.
Which just goes to show a problem shed is a problem halved.
(, Mon 9 Jul 2012, 13:29, Reply)
I'd castrate anyone spelling stuff properly as they are obviously under the control of "the government"I had pasta and a black cherry yoghurt, it was alright, thanks for asking
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Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 9 Jul 2012, 13:35,
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Less lunch and more shed please. (
Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 9 Jul 2012, 13:37,
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I've never tried adding yoghurt to pastayou are truly at the forefront of modern cookery.
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The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 9 Jul 2012, 13:46,
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A homeless tramp slept in our stables when I was a lad, does that count?
(, Mon 9 Jul 2012, 13:36, Reply)
Yes it does. Stables eh? Posh parents or was that where you were abandoned?(
Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 9 Jul 2012, 13:38,
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A lovely way to thank your hosts. (
Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 9 Jul 2012, 13:39,
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Only if he merciless bummed you and made you steal cheese and pork pie from the pantry(
Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 9 Jul 2012, 13:38,
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Strictly, he wasn't homeless, as he had a stable.This sounds like the baby Jesus.
(, Mon 9 Jul 2012, 13:39, Reply)
the shoe box you kept speedy the wonder tortoise in is not a stable.(
mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Mon 9 Jul 2012, 13:40,
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bad thundercunt!now get up those diamond encrusted gold stairs and go to your ivory tower!
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mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Mon 9 Jul 2012, 13:45,
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I'd call it Bear Pookie lollogy.I'd recruit from b3ta and Popbitch, and we would sacrifice virging, using rusty baked bean tins. Heinz obviously.
I ate a meal once. My mate converted a VW Beetle into a greenhouse/shed on his allotment, the crossover between shed and greenhouse was interesting. On a ragga tip.
(, Mon 9 Jul 2012, 13:38, Reply)
I'd probably pop up posters on notice boards in the local churches."idiots required to fill building and sing off key about how great trifle is. donations welcome. this week's sermon is about the evils of jelly. sunday school topic this week is flaked almonds or sprinkles."
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mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Mon 9 Jul 2012, 13:38,
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Some sort of consumption of food an drink required I think. Maybe Tizer and sponge cake ?(
Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 9 Jul 2012, 13:40,
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As long as we can also have Tizer it's a deal. (
Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 9 Jul 2012, 13:42,
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and lo, doth the unbeleiver have only nice biscuits and iceland cheescake to partake.he doth cry to the heavens "oh trifle!!! why has't thou forsaken me!"
but it is he that has't forsaken trifle!!!
long may his mealtimes be bereft of exciting deserts
Letter from St. Marks to the Spencers.
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mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Mon 9 Jul 2012, 13:48,
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probably why you eat so much of it then, wanker.(
mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Mon 9 Jul 2012, 13:50,
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I remember as a lad when our shed was stolen.We eventually found it in the grounds of a shopping center. As we still had the key we opened it to find that it was full of contact lenses and glasses frames. It was all very confusing until we realised;
Shed had gone to specsavers.
(, Mon 9 Jul 2012, 13:40, Reply)
i'm gazzing this to the baronessyou'll be single again come dinner time
(, Mon 9 Jul 2012, 13:46, Reply)
one of B3ta's other, many, eligible batchelors will snap her up in no time, TLiC(, Mon 9 Jul 2012, 13:48, Reply)
I hear she does a dirty pierre for a tenner.(
mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Mon 9 Jul 2012, 13:49,
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Good afternoon Naked Ape*curtseys, resumes lurking until someone says her name three times into a mirror*
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The Baroness The Harlot Pimpernel, Mon 9 Jul 2012, 14:15,
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Making sure Chompy behaves himself.(
tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 9 Jul 2012, 14:21,
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let's face it, it's not for any of the /offtopic content(
Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Mon 9 Jul 2012, 14:26,
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she's dumped chomp and she's after new meatsort your hair out, lyon
(, Mon 9 Jul 2012, 14:27, Reply)
i've been booked in for a make over at a beauty salon, I mean what are the chancesit's gonna take more than just one session I reckon
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Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Mon 9 Jul 2012, 14:34,
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What's it called when a girl white knights a man?Thinking chesswise I can only assume it's called "White Queening".
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The Baroness The Harlot Pimpernel, Mon 9 Jul 2012, 14:43,
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it's calledWhite 'your boyfriend is a weak man child who needs a woman to fight his battles'
(, Mon 9 Jul 2012, 14:45, Reply)
you were too late, BI googled it and its to do with pulling out dowstairs hairs, holding them to your face like a moustache and going 'haw-hee haw-hee-haw'
(, Mon 9 Jul 2012, 14:23, Reply)
What do people who live in bungalows do?(
tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 9 Jul 2012, 14:24,
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Cheers Quentin, you're a mate!(
tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 9 Jul 2012, 14:27,
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Quentin: helpful young man, handsome and sophistwinner of 3 academy awards
(, Mon 9 Jul 2012, 14:29, Reply)
it's just a pity you were mean about the baroness earlier or you'd be odds on favourite(
The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 9 Jul 2012, 14:42,
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I already have a girlfriendand she's one lucky cunt, i can tell you
(, Mon 9 Jul 2012, 14:43, Reply)
I once went out into my parents garden to find bits of old wood all over the lawnI couldn't work out what was going on until I peered down at the bottom of the garden and a saw a almost complete and transparent version of our summer house sat next to a tree.
it was at this point i realised the summer house had shed it's skin
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Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 9 Jul 2012, 13:47,
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It is at this point I realisethat you are a fucking flid.
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 9 Jul 2012, 13:51,
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I've got your "mum" to do, does that help?(
Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 9 Jul 2012, 13:54,
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Not at all, Monty just articulated it so nicely. I've known for a long time. I mean anyone who posts as much as you during the day much be a right spong.
(, Mon 9 Jul 2012, 14:00, Reply)
that's not even a wordand don't you worry your pretty little head about my posting, i get all my work done and then some.
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Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 9 Jul 2012, 14:03,
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Or your Dad's arsehole as it's also known(
Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 9 Jul 2012, 14:10,
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I oh ho, no seriously, ah ha, I ah heard archaeologists found some rather stylish ancient Mesopotamian outdoor storage hut security devices on a recent dig.
They were he hee ‘natty shed locks in a Babylon’!!!!!!!!!!
AHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 9 Jul 2012, 13:50,
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I hope you and chompy bum each other to death.(
mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Mon 9 Jul 2012, 13:51,
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Not surprised with a face like that.(
Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 9 Jul 2012, 14:08,
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Is your dad Bruce Lee?(
tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 9 Jul 2012, 14:23,
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Mastectomy shed mammary(
hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Mon 9 Jul 2012, 13:56,
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I have a shed in my garden.it's made of wood.
I keep stuff in it.
sheds are dull.
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mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Mon 9 Jul 2012, 13:58,
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I remember when I was on a long trip and we briefly stopped at the base of Mount SinaiThe group leader Mo' was going for a quick trek up the mountain to talk to god, he obviously couldn't carry all his belongins up with him so he bought a small shed from Homebase to put all his crap in. He was very possessive about his belongins and told everyone to stay away. He also put a note on the door, deliberatly simple language needed to be used because most of my brethren were barely literate at the time. The note said;
Thou Shed!
Not Steal!
(, Mon 9 Jul 2012, 14:03, Reply)
joe's just recommended i go herewww.thefoulmouthedcunt.co.uk
but i don't even think it is a real place ?
(, Mon 9 Jul 2012, 14:05, Reply)
i used a display model of a dog lead to take down my grandad's outhouseit was my DEMO-LISH(leash) SHED
(, Mon 9 Jul 2012, 14:11, Reply)
I actually do have my own cultAnyone who meets me and thinks I'm straight is a member
I hold the meetings in a wardrobe
(, Mon 9 Jul 2012, 14:05, Reply)
darth embraces online persona.(
mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Mon 9 Jul 2012, 14:08,
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My cult would compel all members to give all their money, power and possessions to me.Don't see any other point in starting one.
(, Mon 9 Jul 2012, 14:20, Reply)
That's what most cults do anyway.Scientologists are particularly nasty.
(, Mon 9 Jul 2012, 14:30, Reply)
I'm thinking of preserves,consisting of guitarist/bassist Alex "Spanador" Moseley, and drummer/keyboardist Mike Hughes it would be my Cult Jam
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hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Mon 9 Jul 2012, 14:29,
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alright hartleykeep that chin up
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Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Mon 9 Jul 2012, 14:32,
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I'm wonderful bear pookie, thank you for askinghow is your local muslim population who pay for you to watch afternoon television and for your council flat?
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Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Mon 9 Jul 2012, 14:46,
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As far as I know, they're wonderful.And it's not council, unfortunately. Jeremy Kyle, or Supermarket Sweep? Decisions, decisions...
(, Mon 9 Jul 2012, 14:56, Reply)
hi hartley harethe other day when swipe was on here saying she was off to barcelona i thought 'i'm gonna bet she'll post while she's on holiday' and before i got time to post it, she posted from barcelona
(, Mon 9 Jul 2012, 14:32, Reply)
shakespeare revamped for the shed generation."Now is the winter of our discontent
made glorious summer by this here shed of York"
"A tale, told by a shed, full of noise and bluster
signifying nothing."
"Alas, poor shed. I knew him Horatio."
"What light from yonder shed breaks?"
"A plague! A plague on both your sheds."
"Is this a shed I see before me?"
"But screw your courage to the shed,
and we'll not fail."
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mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Mon 9 Jul 2012, 14:38,
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Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more;
Or close the wall up with our English shed.
In peace there's nothing so becomes a man
As modest stillness and humility:
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Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 9 Jul 2012, 14:40,
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What's in a name? that which we call shed.(
mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Mon 9 Jul 2012, 14:41,
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there are more things in sheds and huts, Horatio(
mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Mon 9 Jul 2012, 14:42,
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Leave not a shed behind, we are such stuff as dreams are made of.(
mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Mon 9 Jul 2012, 14:43,
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It is wise to keep a motorcycle in a covered area, both for secruity and cleanyness reasons(
Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 9 Jul 2012, 14:47,
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wake up in the shed feeling like p.diddy.(
mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Mon 9 Jul 2012, 14:47,
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I will not sacrifice the Enterprise. We've made too many compromises already, too many retreats.They assimilate countless sheds, and we fall back. Not again. Not this time. The line must be drawn here! This far, no farther!
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mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Mon 9 Jul 2012, 14:50,
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Now is the winter of our discount tent!Bastards! I ordered a shed!
(, Mon 9 Jul 2012, 14:51, Reply)
I wish I could tell you that Andy fought the good fight, and the Sisters let him be.I wish I could tell you that - but shed is no fairy-tale world. He never said who did it, but we all knew. Things went on like that for awhile - shed life consists of routine, and then more routine. Every so often, Andy would show up with fresh bruises. The Sisters kept at him - sometimes he was able to fight 'em off, sometimes not. And that's how it went for Andy - that was his routine. I do believe those first two years were the worst for him, and I also believe that if things had gone on that way, this place would have got the best of him.
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mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Mon 9 Jul 2012, 14:53,
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I’m afraid of the shed,‘specially when I’m in a park
And there’s no-one else around,
Ooh, I get the shivers.
I don’t want to see a ghost,
It’s a sight that I fear most.
I’d rather have a piece of toast and
watch the evenings news.
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mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Mon 9 Jul 2012, 14:56,
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Luke, I am your father!NOOOOOOOOO!
look into your heart, you know it to be true!
NOOOOO, oh nooooo!
join me and together we can rule the shed!
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mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Mon 9 Jul 2012, 14:59,
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As you can see, my young apprentice, your friends have failed. Now witness the firepower of this fully armed and operational shed! (
mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Mon 9 Jul 2012, 15:02,
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I felt a disturbance in the shed.....as though a miilion voices cried out in agony
(, Mon 9 Jul 2012, 15:06, Reply)
Hhhhmmmmm?Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to shedbuilding.
(, Mon 9 Jul 2012, 15:02, Reply)
Better to keep the door locked and be thought a fool than to open your shed and remove all doubt.
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The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 9 Jul 2012, 14:59,
Reply)
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