Hiya kids!!!
Wow, what an amazing weekend. I finally got to have my Xma with my kid - roast dinner, presents round the tree...it was perfect.

Oh no hang on a minute, what I meant was that my access was only for about twenty minutes and I ended up having my ex arrested for assault after she tried to strangle me and punched me in front of my kid. I always get those two mixed up.

How about you? Good one? Plans for this week?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 8:27, 91 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

Fucking hell Monty
Isn't it about time you had her sectioned, or something, child at risk of violence and all that?
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 8:36, Reply)

She's never hit the kid: just me, it seems.
I got texts off her boyfriend telling me I wasn't a real man - the implication being that I should have smashed her fucking face in. I'll know that for next time.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 8:37, Reply)

Something else to keep as evidence for the impending court case
Violence is a trait, people don't pick and choose who they use it on, pretty sure that's how a court would see it.
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 8:40, Reply)

you can't just get someone sectioned.
HTH xx
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 8:40, Reply)

sad times dude
You pressing charges?
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 8:40, Reply)

They released her without charge after ten hours in the cells.
Otherwise I fucking would.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 8:42, Reply)

it'll still look extremely bad
You never tempted to tip off the rozzers about her drug use?
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 8:46, Reply)

That would have been an exercise on pot/kettlitude of such magnitude I really couldn't even consider it.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 8:48, Reply)

*coughs*
Pots... Kettles... etc.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 8:48, Reply)

anonymously of course.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 8:50, Reply)

She really is doing all she can for that little girl, isn't she?
It's nice how she can behave like an adult and not use your daughter as an unwilling pawn in her mental games.

Er... my weekend was alright. Soz.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 8:46, Reply)

I agree - it's just one of a myriad of attractive and downright inspirational character traits that she has.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 8:47, Reply)

She must have the best tits ever

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 9:14, Reply)

Not even close.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 9:17, Reply)

You know,
I think that girl has some issues.
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Mon 7 Jan 2013, 8:48, Reply)

It's fine - she just gets a bit cross sometimes, that's all!

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 8:51, Reply)

it is just fucking bonkers that she does shit to spite you, that also damages your little girls Christmas.
Should go in your favour mind with all the legal goings on.
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Mon 7 Jan 2013, 9:05, Reply)

Indeed so.
If there's a positive at all in the whole thing it's that I have yet more evidence that she's a mental cunt.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 9:07, Reply)

Fucking hell Monty, not good.
Late nights on Friday and Saturday (4:30am and 6am respectively) completely fucked up my sleeping pattern, meaning I didn't get to sleep until gone 3:30 this morning. Today should be fun(!)

No plans for me until Friday, when I'm off to Leeds for a long weekend.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 8:50, Reply)

Fancy a pint?

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 8:54, Reply)

Shall have to have a see
Not certain of plans for the Saturday yet, if we do head into the centre, I'd be up for that.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 8:57, Reply)

Dude it's not even 9am.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 8:58, Reply)

+ of cum

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 9:09, Reply)

And to think I sent you a text wishing you a happy Christmas.
If it wasn't for the fact I get unlimited texts on my phone contract I'd be chasing you for 12p
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 8:52, Reply)

It's the thought that counts, so by all means invoice me for that 12p, It's only right.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 8:55, Reply)

I'm happy to write it off.
I'm in a generous mood thanks to a unexpected cheque from HMRC on Saturday.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 8:58, Reply)

Nice one.
Sounds like we both had similar weekends.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 8:59, Reply)

Very similar.
Your weekend was shit, mine was great.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 9:00, Reply)

We could be twins!!!!

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 9:02, Reply)

LOL WOT IS DA PAYMUNT PLEYAN ?!??!?!?! IZ DAER INTUREST ON DAT?

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 9:01, Reply)

There is still a cost, Jeff.
How much do you pay per month on your contract? How many text messages do you usually send?
I suggest you should probably agree to settle on 8-10p, bearing in mind the time it took you to type the message as well.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 8:56, Reply)

I think he should hold out for the full 12p.
Time spent writing it etc.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 8:58, Reply)

I was taking into account the fact that the more messages he sends, the lower the price per text.
Also he has to be realistic about your ability to pay.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 8:59, Reply)

I've got a whole pile of Xmas presents for my kid that I can take back for a refund.
I'm rich!

In other news, my FOUR YEAR OLD CHILD got an iPad for Xmas.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 9:07, Reply)

Your ex must be really struggling on her benefits.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 9:11, Reply)

Standard kit for scroungers
according to the Daily Heil.
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 9:16, Reply)

She really is.
It's heartbeaking to watch. The week before Xmas she'd coached my kid to tell me she needs a PE kit, as I walked in the door. Then we went out, it was quite cold but luckily my kid had a STELLA MCCARTNEY jumper to keep her warm. £50-80 online.

The poor wee mite.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 9:16, Reply)

Fad to black, bring up credits.
It's MOOOONNNNNNN-tee. MOOOOOON-tee. His ex fell out of her fucking tree.
It's MOOOONNNNNNN-tee. MOOOOOON-tee. She hit every branch, which implied more insanity.


Next week on Monty....

** Monty walks into a bar wearing a very dapper suite **
HI GUYS !!!!!! I WON THE GENTLEMAN COMPETITION !!!! *canned laughter*
**fade to black**
HAY, WHAT'S THAT STUFF? LOOKS LIKE TALKEN POWDER ! OH JEE GUYS ! THAT LOOKS LIKE FUN !
**fade from black to the whole of london burning with monty only wearing a hat and socks, with a smile on his face **

=-=-==-==-=-
Although seriously, as much as that totally sucks, can you use it in the court case? I had a dinnner party last weekend and my cousen has spent TWICE the value of my flat so far on his devorce. He said he'd rather have bought my flat and next door's, then burnt it to the ground (which is where I said, "With her in it?"). He's probably only exasorating by like £25k or soo.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 9:09, Reply)

It doesn't exactly make her look good, that's for sure.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 9:14, Reply)

You should see how many catch-phrases you can get your solicitor or whatever to say.
"M'lurd.....My client, Mr Boyce, wishes to express in no uncurtain terms that the [opponent?defedent?oppersition?whatever] should, and this is a direct quote, "Check Yo' Self before Yo' Wreck Yo' Self", and on that note, would like it to be known that "That bitch be crazy as fuck, yo' " under the strongest of legal terminology".
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 9:19, Reply)

I will definitely do this.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 9:22, Reply)

well you are quite annoying

(PsychoChomp, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 9:24, Reply)

It's true!

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 9:25, Reply)

This is well LOL: she actually demanded I leave because I was being 'sarcastic'.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 9:28, Reply)

were you being sarcastic?

(PsychoChomp, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 9:31, Reply)

I don't have a sarcastic bone in my body.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 9:32, Reply)

But I bet you once had a sarcastic bone in HER body ? Ammirte?

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 9:37, Reply)

Oh, Gonz

( Kroney, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 9:41, Reply)

Holy fuck, that's awful!
Why did they release with no charge after 10 hours in the cells?! what, did she suck one of the rozzers off or something?
(Poppet some assembly required., Mon 7 Jan 2013, 9:27, Reply)

Pretty sure this isn't how the UK legal system works.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 9:28, Reply)

Lack of evidence. She denied everything and made up some bullshit.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 9:29, Reply)

did you not have strangle marks on your neck or a black eye?
What a pustulent, cuntbag of a psycho!
(Poppet some assembly required., Mon 7 Jan 2013, 9:30, Reply)

I did indeed have fingernail marks on my throat.
But with no witnesses other than a four year old they couldn't prove anything.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 9:31, Reply)

What a psycho cunt.
sorry to hear about all this Monts.
(Poppet some assembly required., Mon 7 Jan 2013, 9:34, Reply)

Wow that sucks
Hi everyone, I am back from my holidays!
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 9:37, Reply)

\o/

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 9:38, Reply)

Wow that sucks

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 9:38, Reply)

*click*

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 9:39, Reply)

Not really. Nice you have you back, you bent spastic you.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 9:39, Reply)

well you did say you liked to see grown men blub
so i hope you're enjoying yourself
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 9:41, Reply)

I've got a 'lazy lob-on'

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 9:42, Reply)

where, from being dead in a cave for three days before rolling the stone away?

(Poppet some assembly required., Mon 7 Jan 2013, 9:39, Reply)

Get away (in a manger)

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 9:40, Reply)

That's not until the end of March.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 9:40, Reply)

oh. why is he back so early then?

(Poppet some assembly required., Mon 7 Jan 2013, 9:41, Reply)

two stroke

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 9:41, Reply)

Yamaha?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 9:42, Reply)

No, he went of his own accord.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 9:43, Reply)

cheers

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 9:44, Reply)

cheers

( Kroney, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 9:45, Reply)

cheers

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 9:46, Reply)

Yeah, pretty good thanks. How was yours?
lol
( Kroney, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 9:40, Reply)

mine was only good in that I had some shifts at work, and then I got to go to the gym.

(Poppet some assembly required., Mon 7 Jan 2013, 9:42, Reply)

How's the world of unemployment?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 9:43, Reply)

Everything's alright!
They forgot to change the locks on the recycling bay and I climbed up the rubbish chute. Everybody's looking at me funny.
( Kroney, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 9:44, Reply)

Maybe put our cock away then

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 9:46, Reply)

starwarslol

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 9:47, Reply)

*waves hand*
These aren't the turds you're looking for
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 9:50, Reply)