You know when you leave a clamp around your cock and balls for too long and it starts to swell and go purple
do you reckon I should try to prise it off with some lube and the handle of a fork? Or should I let a bit of blood out first? I've got a fairly sharp knife or some hypodermics. I tried just poking stuff up my bum but that made it worse if anything.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sun 20 Jan 2013, 13:40, 46 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

Stick things further up your bum.

(Spleep Shit, or get off the internet., Sun 20 Jan 2013, 13:57, Reply)

The pencils are already coming out a bit poo-y.
I'm not sure you're a real proctologist.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sun 20 Jan 2013, 14:36, Reply)

No, I am. I've got a certificate and everything.
Go on, shove the pencils up harder.
(Spleep Shit, or get off the internet., Sun 20 Jan 2013, 15:14, Reply)

Needs an angle grinder to get those off
that's how the fire brigade do it, also you need to play a cold hose on it or you'll get friction burns.

Alternatively, google image search Ann Widdecombe.
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Sun 20 Jan 2013, 15:17, Reply)

The solution here is to just keep masturbating.
Eventually either the cock or the clamp will give up and you should be able to separate them.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Sun 20 Jan 2013, 15:52, Reply)

And Spleep is right.
The more things you can get up your bottom, the better.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Sun 20 Jan 2013, 16:20, Reply)

I've always been a bit sensitive about my bum capacity.
I've got my mobile phone, a champagne cork and a dozen HB pencils up there and it's already a bit snug.

:(
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sun 20 Jan 2013, 17:45, Reply)

keep trying
and relax
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Sun 20 Jan 2013, 17:58, Reply)

Try adding some grapes.
About a dozen should do.
(Spleep Shit, or get off the internet., Sun 20 Jan 2013, 18:11, Reply)

You people are revolting.
It's the beginning of January. What sort of nasty southern hemisphere grapes are you going to find in the plebmarket in fucking January?
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sun 20 Jan 2013, 18:17, Reply)

I happen to like rough trade grapes from down the market.
Ones that have been pawed over by some grotesque, filthy tradesman.
(Spleep Shit, or get off the internet., Sun 20 Jan 2013, 18:40, Reply)

[your mum reference]

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sun 20 Jan 2013, 19:26, Reply)

She was just rying to feed six children
with the semen of a vile costermonger.
(Spleep Shit, or get off the internet., Sun 20 Jan 2013, 20:15, Reply)

Is your phone a Siemens?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 20 Jan 2013, 19:04, Reply)

Motorola DynaTAC

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sun 20 Jan 2013, 19:25, Reply)

A notoriously indiscreet telephone.
I hope you are nowhere near other diners.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Sun 20 Jan 2013, 19:28, Reply)

This is where the time-honoured Jubilee clip comes into it's own
Available in all sizes from microbore to pachyderm.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Sun 20 Jan 2013, 18:27, Reply)

its

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sun 20 Jan 2013, 19:00, Reply)

Quite correct - I was wrong
I am pleased that despite your unfortunate genital accessory malfunction you are able to uphold correct standards of syntax.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Sun 20 Jan 2013, 19:18, Reply)

If we can't defend our language from childish errors then how are we going to defend our shores from the kikes and the fuzzywuzzies?

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sun 20 Jan 2013, 19:26, Reply)

Despite that momentary lapse, I am ready
We will march forward with pikes, pitchforks, pointy things and other sharp stuff beginning with P in our valiant effort to repel the hoards I've read about in discarded papers.

My question is - are YOU ready? You've got a bit of Chinese plastic inextricably mangled about your parts. When we boldly march forward you will be striking out like a spastic Tiller girl trying to ride a BMX as the plastic digs deeper.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Sun 20 Jan 2013, 19:39, Reply)

"hordes"
And the object with which I am currently in an exotic entanglement is made entirely from brass and walnut.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sun 20 Jan 2013, 19:41, Reply)

David Dickinson?

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Sun 20 Jan 2013, 19:46, Reply)

Oh god.
Now I've got an image of his nut-brown sphincter gnawing on my cock like a gulping frog. I don't think I'll ever be flaccid again.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sun 20 Jan 2013, 19:49, Reply)

He's austentatiously adjusting his glasses to get a better look at the penetration.
Crikey.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sun 20 Jan 2013, 19:52, Reply)

Ostentationally
I hate being pulled up on grammar - got you.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Sun 20 Jan 2013, 19:57, Reply)

In the manner of a Jane Austen character.
And "Ostentationally" isn't a word at all.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sun 20 Jan 2013, 20:00, Reply)

I'll give you that.
I'm not sure that my construction is correct either but the verb is ostentatious.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Sun 20 Jan 2013, 20:03, Reply)

erm...
it's "ostentatiously", isn't it?
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Sun 20 Jan 2013, 20:01, Reply)

Yeah, ok, ok
It doesn't begin with "Au" though.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Sun 20 Jan 2013, 20:05, Reply)

You are a Bonobo monkey AICMFP

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Sun 20 Jan 2013, 19:53, Reply)

I don't know which part of this is more offensive
the fact that you think my balls are that small or the fact that you don't know that a Bonobo isn't a monkey.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sun 20 Jan 2013, 19:55, Reply)

DFKDFC
on both counts
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Sun 20 Jan 2013, 19:58, Reply)

Can you date it? Roughly?
Could you try and pry it away from your knob enough to see if it's hallmarked?

I think this could make a lot of money at auction, if only it could be detached from the pervert.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Sun 20 Jan 2013, 19:46, Reply)

1992.
That's not particularly rough. That's when I bought it. I'm pretty sure it was new at the time although it's not the sort of thing that shows its age. Until you start slamming it in the door of a ford transit minibus.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sun 20 Jan 2013, 19:50, Reply)

Not a good age
It's damaged and the attached pervert is badly tainted.

I'll give you scrap value for a transit with a dented door.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Sun 20 Jan 2013, 19:54, Reply)

I don't think the driver will be too happy if I sell his cab.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sun 20 Jan 2013, 19:56, Reply)

Tell him it's TD - he'll know my money's good

( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Sun 20 Jan 2013, 20:00, Reply)

More like
"the attached taint is badly perverted"
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Sun 20 Jan 2013, 19:56, Reply)

It's got a bolt through it and a tattoo of a stylised owl.
I think that's pretty nicely perverted.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sun 20 Jan 2013, 20:02, Reply)

Oh, a Chippendale tawny cock ring?
They're rare you know, only 6 were made and Prince Philip has 3 of them.
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Sun 20 Jan 2013, 20:06, Reply)

A van with a tattoo of an owl on the door!
Whatever next?
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Sun 20 Jan 2013, 20:08, Reply)

Throw ice on your balls, or perhaps try destimulating yourself with a dog carcass.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Sun 20 Jan 2013, 19:07, Reply)

And what the hell is unstimulating about a dog carcass??

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sun 20 Jan 2013, 19:25, Reply)

Frankly I found dozer's entire post highly erotic.
If you do manage to get that clamp off, could I borrow it?
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Sun 20 Jan 2013, 19:30, Reply)

Yeah.
Although I've been slamming it in a car door for the last half an hour so it's a bit scuffed around the corners.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sun 20 Jan 2013, 19:38, Reply)