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(, Sun 1 Apr 2001, 1:00)
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DEATHS
As the mother-in-law is on her way out and /offtopic appears to be going the same way, tell me your stories of deaths/births

Alt:
Marriages
(, Wed 8 May 2013, 10:52, 222 replies, latest was 12 years ago)
Can we not discuss marriage please?
K thx.
(, Wed 8 May 2013, 10:53, Reply)
This may be the problem

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 10:53, Reply)
Ha ha

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 10:54, Reply)
so she made it through the weekend?
alt: i dun that
(, Wed 8 May 2013, 10:54, Reply)
Not supposed to make it to today
She's nothing if not stubborn
(, Wed 8 May 2013, 10:55, Reply)
nothing a pillow can't fix eh?

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 11:02, Reply)
Just like last night
Sorry I forgot the lube
(, Wed 8 May 2013, 11:03, Reply)
that's ok sweetioe I like it when you're rougfh

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 11:11, Reply)
When my kid was born, the dudes administering the painkillers had never encountered such a tolerance to drugs in their whole careers.
They were at danger levels and she could still feel them testing.
(, Wed 8 May 2013, 10:55, Reply)
Your kid or her mum?

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 10:57, Reply)
My ex, the fucking drug fiend

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 11:00, Reply)
You split up 'cos she nicked your stash, didn't you?
Monty fucked Barry
(, Wed 8 May 2013, 11:01, Reply)
Yes.

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 11:02, Reply)
Doze I need an irony check in aisle 4 please

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 11:07, Reply)
WE HAVE RUN OUT OF KILOSPOONS

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 11:07, Reply)
MONTY SNORTED THEM ALL!

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 11:11, Reply)
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 11:19, Reply)
She probably just wasn't used to anything touching the sides

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 10:58, Reply)

click
(, Wed 8 May 2013, 10:59, Reply)
Can you do my mother-in-law as well?

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 10:59, Reply)
I pink socked her only this morning

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 11:00, Reply)
The queues were terrible

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 11:07, Reply)
a big thank you to Les Dawson

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 11:18, Reply)
When I was born, I came out smiling.
But because I wasn't crying the doctors beat me until I did and I haven't stopped being a miserable cunt since.

True story.
(, Wed 8 May 2013, 11:01, Reply)
It's the least they could do

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 11:01, Reply)
Pardon?
oh i thought you said deafs sne sne sne
(, Wed 8 May 2013, 11:01, Reply)
SPEAK UP DEARY

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 11:02, Reply)
a new low

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 11:03, Reply)
POST OF THE DAY!

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 11:03, Reply)
quiet chocho

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 11:04, Reply)
You rather like that insult, don't you?

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 11:08, Reply)
He doesn't get out much.

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 11:10, Reply)
indeed

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 11:11, Reply)
indeed

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 11:10, Reply)
I quite like it, too

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 11:12, Reply)
My dad topped himself but I didn't mention Green Day so I haven't been Internet bullied about it







Yet
(, Wed 8 May 2013, 11:10, Reply)
At least you're not listening to garage music

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 11:11, Reply)
I kept trying to bully you about it, you must have missed them.
All that effort for nothing.
(, Wed 8 May 2013, 11:12, Reply)
Sorry, I sound just like your dad here.

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 11:12, Reply)
My dad left my brother over £250000
I GOT NOTHING! Serves me right for not putting out
(, Wed 8 May 2013, 11:14, Reply)
Is that true?

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 11:15, Reply)
Yup, he never put out.

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 11:15, Reply)
Yes my sister also got nothing

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 11:34, Reply)
What for?
Seems a bit harsh to do that
(, Wed 8 May 2013, 11:34, Reply)
His dad thought PJs support of Cornish independence was a bit silly. Because it's silly.

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 11:36, Reply)
I don't believe in Cornish independence

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 11:37, Reply)
Whatever you say, Jo d'Truro

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 11:38, Reply)
Truro is a bit North to be Cornwall

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 11:41, Reply)
Well I was 19 and my sister was 17 and my dad was a cunt
a few months before he topped himself my sister reported him to the police for assault and I told him he was a violent cunt. My brother was only 12 and didn't call my dad a cunt or report him to the police. Therefore my bro was the sole heir and got the house, navy pension and various other payouts/insurances etc. I have no idea how much he was left I just know it was more than £250k because I can add up that he has spent that much. He is 24 now and has just blown the last of it on a year in Australia. I'm glad its all gone. Me and my bro get on really well, he's my best friend seriously.
(, Wed 8 May 2013, 11:41, Reply)
Fucking hell

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 11:42, Reply)
Oh right I though that was me?
Right. OK. Thanks 'mate'
(, Wed 8 May 2013, 11:42, Reply)
You're more of a lover

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 11:46, Reply)
g+

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 11:47, Reply)
Yeah, if he didn't split it with his siblings he's kind of a cunt.
Soz.
(, Wed 8 May 2013, 11:47, Reply)
I didn't want it.
He didn't get it until he was 18 by which time I was 25 and set up, he gave me a generous sum for my wedding present and helped my sister out with plenty of cash when she was struggling as a single mum. I think thats better than just splitting 3 ways. My sister would have just blown it all and there wouldn't have been anything there when she needed it.
(, Wed 8 May 2013, 11:51, Reply)
Fair enough, I guess.
Sounds like he's pissed away all three of your inheritances to me, but I guess it's your family and if you're cool with it, then you're cool with it.
(, Wed 8 May 2013, 11:58, Reply)
He bought a shit load of paintballing equipment too
thats fun up on the dunes until the police come
(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:06, Reply)
wow that's fucking frightful

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 11:15, Reply)
wow that's shit...
I'd like to think if that happened to me I would share
(, Wed 8 May 2013, 11:17, Reply)
I know I wouldn't, but then my sister is a dreadful cunt.

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 11:19, Reply)
didn't she just send you some booze from Germany or something?

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 11:23, Reply)
Nope. Haven't had any contact for years. Thankfully.

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 11:26, Reply)
Yeah I definitely would.
No question. My brother and sister would get twenty quid postal orders, I ain't even lying, bruv.
(, Wed 8 May 2013, 11:19, Reply)
It's happened to me, and I have.
If there's one person you never, ever, screw over it's your sibling.
(, Wed 8 May 2013, 11:21, Reply)
Thanks "Bert"

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 11:21, Reply)
Unless your sibling is cunt.

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 11:21, Reply)
Hey, she has feelings too
She's not just your fuckthing
(, Wed 8 May 2013, 11:22, Reply)
Unlucky

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 11:24, Reply)
Unless your sibling is Kunt.

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 11:41, Reply)
Fucking hell
£20k would have bought you a new arse afterwards too
(, Wed 8 May 2013, 11:20, Reply)
I'd hang him up for that

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 11:23, Reply)
Just think though, if you _did_ put out and he still left you with nothing, how'd you feel then.
At least you've got your diganty.
(, Wed 8 May 2013, 11:46, Reply)

diganty brown virginity
(, Wed 8 May 2013, 11:47, Reply)
Strummin'

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 11:48, Reply)
gertcha

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 11:49, Reply)
Hey, sporto
You know what I dislike? When somebody that thinks they know what they're doing, but doesn't really, goes ahead and does something stupid without talking to us and when an undesired consequence occurs as a result of their ignorant fucking around they say "well, this is obviously your fault or shitty software".
(, Wed 8 May 2013, 11:56, Reply)
shut up and fix it IT monkey

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 11:58, Reply)
Can't. He's gone and fucked it proper.
My fault, obvs.
(, Wed 8 May 2013, 11:59, Reply)
i can't ait to swap lolarious IT stories about "users" and "software" over a couple of snags and a Biere Blond

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:04, Reply)
That comes under the heading of "occupational hazards", surely?

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:00, Reply)
No, this comes under the "LEAVE IT ALONE YOU CUNT" section

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:09, Reply)
a "wetware" or PEBKAC error

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:11, Reply)
I like this
or rather I dislike this
(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:09, Reply)
He wanted me to re-write Outlook in a manner which was more convenient for him.
Or rather, to hide his embarrassing shortcomings.
(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:12, Reply)
I like outlook, it's so much better than Gmail, which makes no sense at all

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:13, Reply)
Does anyone else want to let the board know about their opinons on the various email options available?

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:17, Reply)
Because I for one would love it.

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:17, Reply)
Stop moaning & contribute something interesting & positive.

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:18, Reply)
Nice one Wilf

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:20, Reply)
Bollocks.
One of the things that has knackered QOTW is people moaning on QOTW about how shit QOTW has become.

This is now spreading to /OT. The more people say it's shit the more shit it becomes.
(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:23, Reply)
Don't forget the people moaning about how shit it is that people are moaning about how shit it is.
Or summat.
(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:24, Reply)
NO, YOUR'M UPSET

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:25, Reply)
...and thus, the wheel of shit turns once again, like a pooey Buddhist reincarnation cycle.

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:28, Reply)
It's rather like the special cooking briquettes we recycle from the latrines round the back of the yurts.

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:30, Reply)
hahah

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:31, Reply)
ha ha ha

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:30, Reply)
Like this
b3ta.com/questions/offtopic/post1955247
(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:27, Reply)
That was a terrible thread though.

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:28, Reply)
No, they are all fair points.

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:28, Reply)
Sometimes I yearn for the thrilling days of 'waterproof trouser chat' I really do

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:18, Reply)
I, for one, think we should only ever talk about the things *I* like
and I shall whine and cry and bitch like a pre-menstrual teenage girl if I don't get what I want!
(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:19, Reply)
That's a terrible idea, you like shit things.

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:24, Reply)
Thanks "Kevin Keegan"

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:26, Reply)
I actually get this, genuinely.
Ah would LOOV it
(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:28, Reply)
I got a client who's main member of staff is away this week so is requesting I do all the stuff she normally does
Which is almost entirely irrelivent to what I do =(
(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:13, Reply)
I'm gonna teach you a new word gonz
"No"
(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:14, Reply)
He's heard enough women say that to him in the past.

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:18, Reply)
pffffffffffffffffftttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:17, Reply)
pardon you

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:25, Reply)
death of all hope
our local lunch restaurant has changed its menu. no more can i have my roasted field mushroom with pesto burger and skin-on fries. they have changed it for roasted aubergine, haloumi and houmous. wtf is that all about?

i said haughtily that i wanted courgette, not aubergine. let's see if they have actually listened...
(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:22, Reply)
Do you find that you are often eating the saliva of the staff at your local restaurant?

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:23, Reply)
I think that's only Greggs.

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:24, Reply)
:((

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:25, Reply)
love you really, sweetpea.

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:26, Reply)
i know
you know

and they all know xx
(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:28, Reply)
Hey badge, you're back from paternity leave!
Congratulations and all that, I hope it all went well for everyone involved.
(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:26, Reply)
I'm not, really.
I just have to come in to do some stuff to do with final year student assessment.

It went well in that wife and minibadger are home and settling in, otherwise, I'd go for it going "interestingly" rather than "well"

but cheers sir :)
(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:28, Reply)
congratulations my dear boy

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:29, Reply)
Cheers chief.

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:30, Reply)
Boy or girl?

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:30, Reply)
Pretty sure Mighters is male.

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:31, Reply)
Oh what?

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:31, Reply)
*deletes sent gazzes*

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:35, Reply)
girl.
given the cross section of blokes I know, I'm praying she grows up to be a lesbian.
(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:32, Reply)
Excellent. Daughters are ACE.
I too hope mine grows up to be a lezza. I was a teenage boy once, so I know what the little scrotes behave like around girls.
(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:33, Reply)
It's quite an experience, ain't it?
Glad all is well and don't worry, this bit doesn't last forever.
(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:31, Reply)
yeah, it is an experience.
At the moment she's in a Pavlik harness which is hard, but that should only be for a couple of months, fingers crossed.
(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:33, Reply)
Aw poor thing,
still hopefully soon she'll graduate to those special shoes or summat.
(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:34, Reply)
hip displacia?
NFG.
(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:35, Reply)
yeah.
it should be fine with treatment this early though. Fingers crossed.
(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:37, Reply)
Indeed.

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:40, Reply)
Excellent news Badgers.

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:33, Reply)
cheers sir.

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:42, Reply)
^ first world problem ^

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:23, Reply)
It's not even really first world
most of the first world remembers to eat meat.
(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:24, Reply)
meat sucks

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:25, Reply)
< - >

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:27, Reply)
aubergines are ok
but they take over everything.
(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:24, Reply)

take flop
(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:41, Reply)
I suspect that ignoring the topic of the thread and just bleating on about wah wah wah lunch woes
is a sure sign of a psychopath. Just saying like.
(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:26, Reply)
Clicking this.

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:28, Reply)
no
fantasising about killing you in screaming agony and pissing on your burning corpse is the sign of a psychopath.
(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:29, Reply)
Got the mensies this week eh?

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:29, Reply)
Maybe she should change her sitcom into a period drama

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:30, Reply)
Oh very well played. 10/10.

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:31, Reply)
*golf clap*

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:34, Reply)
Do go on...
*starts scribbling*
(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:30, Reply)
Actually, you're right
ignoring the topic of the thread and just bleating on about wah wah wah lunch woes is probably more a sure sign of a sociopath.
Just saying like.
(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:31, Reply)
The groundsman of our cricket club hung himself in the dressing room on Friday night.
Few too many in the clubhouse, pointless argument, topped himself. Shit.
(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:28, Reply)
That is terrible, I mean, how are the team supposed to play well on a substandard pitch?

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:29, Reply)
The homes matches on Saturday and Sunday were both cancelled.
Pavillion is a potential crime scene.
(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:35, Reply)
Are you out on bale?

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:36, Reply)
What a selfish cunt.

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:36, Reply)
In spite of the gravity of the situation, this did cross my mind.
I play for the 1st team, so we were playing elsewhere anyway, but the 2nds game was cancelled.
(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:38, Reply)
Not something you'd crease up about.

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:38, Reply)
You need a good night-watchman.

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:39, Reply)
Ha ha ha ha

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:40, Reply)
hanged, not hung
pictures are hung. people are hanged.
(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:29, Reply)
don't get hanged up over it eh

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:30, Reply)
This is exactly the kind of understanding I have came to expect from this forum

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:31, Reply)
this^

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:35, Reply)
really? fuck. Sad times.
I actually thought you were setting that up for a punchline. :(
(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:29, Reply)
I thought that as well,
the lack of punchline knocked me for six.
(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:31, Reply)
Bowled over eh?

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:32, Reply)
I hope he had a good innings.

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:34, Reply)
The team will be over it soon enough.

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:35, Reply)
Not really, he was 22. Just a fucking kid. Crazy.

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:36, Reply)
Batty.

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:37, Reply)
Has play been suspended?

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:36, Reply)
Death stopped play.

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:39, Reply)
Can be deadly, that reverse swing.

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:40, Reply)
It had me stumped.

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:32, Reply)
*cricket applause*

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:41, Reply)
what a fucking queer

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:30, Reply)
This groundsman chap doesn't sound that great either!!!!!!

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:30, Reply)
Well he certainly isn't now!

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:32, Reply)
ITS JUST NOT CRICKET!!!!!

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:32, Reply)
OH NO

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:34, Reply)
Did he use the Duckworth Lewis method?

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:32, Reply)
Windsor

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:34, Reply)
Never won the UEFA cup though did he!
Fucking shit if you ask me.
(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:36, Reply)
Did he not win it with Aberdeen?

(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:37, Reply)
Not an Alex in sight
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_UEFA_Cup_and_Europa_League_winning_managers
(, Wed 8 May 2013, 12:43, Reply)

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