bored
so so bored. anyone got any good jokes?? share the love...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 15 Jul 2008, 15:57, 37 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

*Woodside Industries*
Sorry!
( girlinthehole, Tue 15 Jul 2008, 15:59, Reply)

Sorry...
Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja!...
Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!
(Edktstsss, Tue 15 Jul 2008, 16:02, Reply)

Why can't Stevie Wonder read?
...














Because he's black.







so, so sorry
( Madam Marlboro wonders if you've found her yet, Tue 15 Jul 2008, 16:04, Reply)

.
A man walks into a petrol station and says, "Can I please have a KitKat Chunky."

The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.

"No," says the man, "I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch."
( Stu71 ....bad money dies, I love the scene, Tue 15 Jul 2008, 16:05, Reply)

A favourite, CTRL-C'd because this rainproof keyboard makes typing hard.
Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad calls President Bush and tells him, "George, I had a wonderful dream last night. I could see America, the whole beautiful country, and on each house I saw a banner."
"What did it say on the banners?" Bush asks.
Mahmud replies, "UNITED STATES OF IRAN."
Bush says, "You know, Mahmoud, I am really happy you called, because believe it or not, last night I had a similar dream. I could see all of Tehran, and it was more beautiful than ever, and on each house flew an enormous banner."
"What did it say on the banners?" Mahmoud asks.
Bush replies, "I don't know. I can't read Hebrew."
(Edktstsss, Tue 15 Jul 2008, 16:06, Reply)

@ MM
Have you seen Stevie Wonder's kids?








Neither has he.
( wanderlust, Tue 15 Jul 2008, 16:09, Reply)

Hazel Cunting Blears....

(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Tue 15 Jul 2008, 16:09, Reply)

This is awful
What do a gynaecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?


They can both smell the box but they can't have a taste.
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Tue 15 Jul 2008, 16:10, Reply)

On the Stevie Wonder topic
What does Stevie Wonder's wife do after an argument?

She rearranges the furniture.
( Stu71 ....bad money dies, I love the scene, Tue 15 Jul 2008, 16:12, Reply)

You've all missed my favourite from
the Sick Jokes Question;

How do you get a gay bloke to shag your girlfriend?

Shit in her cunt.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 15 Jul 2008, 16:16, Reply)

@Bert
I find that joke funnier when the word girlfriend is replaced with the word nan.
( wanderlust, Tue 15 Jul 2008, 16:17, Reply)

@bert
That is good - i've yet to use that in company though.
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Tue 15 Jul 2008, 16:19, Reply)

@wanderlust
Nan/girlfriend, it's all the same thing to me.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 15 Jul 2008, 16:19, Reply)

*knock knock*
- Who's there?
- Gestapo.
- Gestapo who?
- *slap* VE ASK ZE KVESTIONS!
( Maladicta, Tue 15 Jul 2008, 16:27, Reply)

@Bert
Is incest best then?
( wanderlust, Tue 15 Jul 2008, 16:35, Reply)

I'm so going to hell for this one...
An asian guy was walking along the beach one day, when he stubbed his toe on something sticking out of the sand. He dug it up, and saw that it was a lamp. He gave it a little rub, and out popped a genie who said "thank you so much for releasing me from my prison! You may have one wish from me in thanks".

The guy thought long and hard about it, and finally said to the genie: "I want to be white, and surrounded by pussy."

So the genie turned him into a tampon.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Tue 15 Jul 2008, 16:35, Reply)

^ That is my new
favourite joke ever.
( Maladicta, Tue 15 Jul 2008, 16:37, Reply)

@Empress
He was one lucky Asian bastard.


Ew.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 15 Jul 2008, 16:38, Reply)

this is cheering me up!
not quite a joke, but i saw brian on family guy the other night say "hey, careful with that joke, it's an antique".

i have shamelessly stolen this!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 15 Jul 2008, 16:41, Reply)

Duck Joke
A duck walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No"
Duck says: "Got any Bread?"
Barman says: "No"
Duck says: "Got any Bread?"
Barman says: "No, we have no bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread"
Barman says: "No, we haven't got any fucking bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, are you deaf? We haven't got any fucking bread. Ask me again and I'll nail your fucking beak to the bar, you irritating bastard!"
Duck says: "Got any nails?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
( Stu71 ....bad money dies, I love the scene, Tue 15 Jul 2008, 16:44, Reply)

@ swipe
I don't remember that one, but I've not watched Family Guy in ages. I've got Blue Harvest knocking around on my external and I still need to watch that (along with all the anime and movies off Mr Maladicta's PC that we backed up at the weekend).

If you still need amusing, this is adorable: uk.youtube.com/watch?v=oTyjKLeAx0k
(the boyfriend is obsessed with it at the moment, he watched it about 10 times in a row yesterday).
( Maladicta, Tue 15 Jul 2008, 16:46, Reply)

OK… bit of a long one, this (arf, etc).
With apologies to Billy Conolly.

Jimmy was a Celtic supporter, and looked forward to games against Rangers with relish. However, on a trip to see his beloved team play Celtic at Ibrox, an unfortunate (and, frankly highly unlikely) mix up with his ticket saw him in the stands with the Rangers fans.

“Ah’d best keep masel’ tae masel’”, he thought. This despite the fact that the green and white scarf and Celtic top were a bit of a giveaway.

20 minutes into the first half and Celtic scored. Despite his delight, inwardly Jimmy groaned, hoping for the first time in his life that Rangers equalised, and pretty damned quickly. Five minutes later, Celtic scored again, and Jimmy could feel his insides turn to liquid. Then one of the Rangers fans turned around, looked him coldly in the eye, and demanded “Hey, yoo. Go an’ get me a cup of Bovril, noo. And leave your shoe, so ye’ll no’ run awa’, eh?”

Jimmy slipped his right shoe off, and trudged off to get a cup of Bovril. Five minutes later, he returned to the stands and handed the cup over. “Cheers, pal. Ye can ha’e ya shoe back”. And one shoe was duly handed back.

With a steaming turd curled neatly inside. “Put it on, then”, the Rangers fan ‘encouraged’. Grimacing, Jimmy did as he was told, and stood there squelching and steaming. Could this day get any worse?

Yep. 3 – nil to Celtic now, and he could see all his mates going ballistic at the other end of the pitch. He closed his eyes, and swallowed.

“My turn,” came a voice, and as he opened his eyes again was face to face with another Rangers supporter. “Go an’ get me a cup of Bovril, noo. And leave your other shoe, so ye’ll no’ run away, eh?”

Again, on his return, he was presented with his other shoe, and again, it was filled with a turd of monumental proportions.

Finally the full time whistle blew, and he squelched and minged out of the stadium and began the lonely walk home. As he rounded a corner, he was confronted with a TV crew from the BBC. “Excuse me, would you mind coming and saying few words for the camera on the subject of football violence”?

“Aye, too bloody right Ah will”, fumed Jimmy. “Fitba’ violence, ye say? I’ll tell ye’s aboot fitba’ violence. In my opinion, fitba’ violence in this country will never end. Never. Not sae lang as they keep shittin’ in oor shoes, and we keep pissin’ in their Bovril!”
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 15 Jul 2008, 16:58, Reply)

I was walking down the road the other day...
...when a bloke called out "Mind that dog turd will you!"











I stood there three hours and he didn't come back.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Tue 15 Jul 2008, 17:04, Reply)

^ similarly
I was walking along the street the other day when I slipped in dog shit.

A minute later, some guy did exactly the same.

I said to him, "I just did that."

So he punched me in the face and called me a dirty bastard.
( Stu71 ....bad money dies, I love the scene, Tue 15 Jul 2008, 17:08, Reply)

A young man
Is walking around Amsterdam's red light district.

He chances upon a lady of the night.

He eyes her up and decides to go for it.

He knocks on the window and asks

"How much?"

"1000 euros" she replies.

"Blimey, that's pretty expensive isn't it!?!" he says, in shock.

"Well, that's double glazing for ya" she replies
(tarbin tarbis, tarbit, tarbamus, tarbimus, tarbant, Tue 15 Jul 2008, 17:09, Reply)

Two tortoises sitting in the rain
One turns to the other and says "Do you find, when it rains, that water drips into your mouth?"

The other tortoise says "No".

It's a visual gag, sorry.
( Kroney, Tue 15 Jul 2008, 17:18, Reply)

erm
is that because there's a hole in its shell?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 15 Jul 2008, 17:27, Reply)

What has four legs, and goes 'Woof'?
A cat doused in petrol *mime striking a match*
(Pavlov's Frog figures no-one really reads sigs anyway, Tue 15 Jul 2008, 17:27, Reply)

@rswipe
No
( Kroney, Tue 15 Jul 2008, 17:30, Reply)

The world is becoming very violent.
Only yesterday, I walked into WHSmith's and punched someone in the face.
(ThomsonsPier consumes, Tue 15 Jul 2008, 17:39, Reply)

What's pink and hard?
A pig with a switchblade.
( wanderlust, Tue 15 Jul 2008, 17:44, Reply)

Apologies in advance
What's got eight legs, and makes women scream?








Gangrape!
(Pavlov's Frog figures no-one really reads sigs anyway, Tue 15 Jul 2008, 18:00, Reply)

Woodside Industries
Okay, a couple of weeks back, I offered to provide beatings to the ex-boyfriends of some of the ladees on here...

I am extending that offer to anyone who can point me in the direction of Woodside Industries. That guy NEEDS some 'correction' like we did it in the Old Corps.

Sic Semper Tyrannis!

Citadel
( Citadel Because the world needs less morons, Tue 15 Jul 2008, 22:18, Reply)

A bear
A bear is standing in the woods and along hops a cute fuzzy bunny. The bunny doesn't see the bear until he is right up next to him. The bunny looks up in a fright and says "erm...um....sorry Mr Bear."

The bear tsks and says "No problem. Hey, when you crap, do you find that shit sticks to your fur?"

The bunny, somewhat relieved says "Why no, why do you..."

and before he could finish, the bear picked up the little bunny and wiped his ass with him.

The end.
( Citadel Because the world needs less morons, Tue 15 Jul 2008, 22:24, Reply)

What's blue and fucks kids?














Me in my big blue suit.
(lost, Tue 15 Jul 2008, 23:20, Reply)

And if THAT doesnt make you laugh
Try THIS one on for size:

Starting this Sunday morning, right around lunch time on Ya'lls side of the pond, I will be gearing up for Day One of riding with Lance Armstrong. But just prior to straddling my Trek to begin the...erm...journey, I will be liberally applying THIS to my cycling shorts:



So when you are bummed that you have to go to work the next morning, think of me, in Iowa. Sweating, straining, trying to keep up with Lance, but even before all that begins, I have to find a way to discreetly get this stuff on the chamois of my cycling shorts. Laughable, right?

And if any of you lot want to sponsor me, you can go here:

www.livestrong.org/grassroots2008/ragbrai2008sbrown

I'd appreciate ANY help you can offer! Cheers!

Citadel/Sean
( Citadel Because the world needs less morons, Tue 15 Jul 2008, 23:33, Reply)

OK, here goes...
What's black and screams?




Stevie Wonder answering the iron.



What's red and yellow and looks great on hippies?

Fire.

What do chavs call a pink tracksuit?

Eveningwear.



How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

None.

I have more. Another time though.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 18 Jul 2008, 18:26, Reply)