Oh yeah, I need some London tube advice
Can someone help me please?
( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Mon 29 Jul 2013, 9:44, 13 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

In what way?

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Mon 29 Jul 2013, 9:45, Reply)

You have to stand on the left
Or it might be the right
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 29 Jul 2013, 9:45, Reply)

put your hands on your hips
and bring your knees in tight!
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 29 Jul 2013, 9:56, Reply)

Wait till you see the lights before jumping

( Reginald Donkeyfuck, Mon 29 Jul 2013, 9:46, Reply)

if it gets so packed and hot that you can hardly breath and you feel you might pass out and vomit all over yourself
simply ensure you have a tepid bottle of water with you and everything will be fine.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 29 Jul 2013, 9:46, Reply)

Sure thing bruv

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 29 Jul 2013, 9:46, Reply)

THANK YOU MONTY *gives everyone else one of my 'looks'*
How long does the tube from Morden take to get to Waterloo (or anywhere a bit more central really)?
Thinking of driving and parking there (avoiding congestion charge) then tubing into the city. Worth it?
( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Mon 29 Jul 2013, 9:48, Reply)

40mins?
There are better places to leave a car and tube it in, though.

Where in London is your destination?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 29 Jul 2013, 9:50, Reply)

Not 100% decided at the moment
The boys keep going on about going there, so we were thinking museums, sights, etc.

Better places?
( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Mon 29 Jul 2013, 9:51, Reply)

if you are coming up from Pompey just get the train direct from there...

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 29 Jul 2013, 9:53, Reply)

Costs too much innit

( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Mon 29 Jul 2013, 9:54, Reply)

so drive up the M3, park in Richmond or similar, hop on train to Waterloo

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 29 Jul 2013, 9:55, Reply)

Hmm...definitely an option, cheers

( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Mon 29 Jul 2013, 9:57, Reply)

I was going to suggest Richmond.
It's where my mothers leave their car when they come to 'tine'.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 29 Jul 2013, 9:58, Reply)

Cool, cheers Monce

( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Mon 29 Jul 2013, 10:04, Reply)

pleasure there is a long stay carpark directly off the A316, which is what the M3 turns into after Sunbury

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 29 Jul 2013, 9:59, Reply)

Food for thought
Thanks m'man
( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Mon 29 Jul 2013, 10:03, Reply)

^ This ^
And use all day tube tickets,

Last time I caught the train to London it was £113 return, 1st class for 2 adults and 1 child
( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Mon 29 Jul 2013, 9:56, Reply)

I keep reading that as 'lube'

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Mon 29 Jul 2013, 10:04, Reply)

For 113 quid, I expect not only lube, but a cigarette for afterwards too

( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Mon 29 Jul 2013, 10:05, Reply)

You have a very dirty mind young B3thany,
How's the job working out?
( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Mon 29 Jul 2013, 10:05, Reply)

Rather well, thank you for asking.

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Mon 29 Jul 2013, 10:07, Reply)

:D
Did you do anything special with the first weeks pay?
( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Mon 29 Jul 2013, 10:09, Reply)

One does not simply drive into Morden
/starwars
( Reginald Donkeyfuck, Mon 29 Jul 2013, 9:50, Reply)

Nice
But it's not Star Wars. It's Game of Thrones.
( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Mon 29 Jul 2013, 9:52, Reply)

take a taxi

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 29 Jul 2013, 9:46, Reply)

Apparently empty Pringles ones make the best emergency toilets

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Mon 29 Jul 2013, 9:47, Reply)

www.londoncolonics.co.uk/index.htm
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 29 Jul 2013, 9:47, Reply)

Don't fucking do it.
I mean, it's a remarkably good urban transport system, but these days I'd rather spoon my own eyes out than use it with any regularity.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 29 Jul 2013, 9:47, Reply)

don't talk to twosie about "regularity"

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 29 Jul 2013, 9:48, Reply)

Sore point
literally
( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Mon 29 Jul 2013, 9:50, Reply)

Do it at rush hour so you kill more people

( Peej, Mon 29 Jul 2013, 9:49, Reply)

Just get out of the fucking way.
Happy to help.
( Kroney, Mon 29 Jul 2013, 9:50, Reply)

For example, when you inevitably need to stop to work out where you are
don't do it right in the middle of the thoroughfare with your fucking huge backpack on, you selfish cunt.
( Kroney, Mon 29 Jul 2013, 9:52, Reply)

i'd ban those wheely cases from all public transport
you can't carry it, don't pack it you prick
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 29 Jul 2013, 9:54, Reply)

Ugh and they stop at the bottom and top of staircases to fuck about with the extendable handle.

( Kroney, Mon 29 Jul 2013, 9:55, Reply)

When I was at school
I regularly had to do Kings Cross to Heathrow with two suitcases and a couple of weekend bags. I learned Tube etiquette pretty quickly. It's also where I developed my 'fuck off out of my way and don't even try to talk to me' stare.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Mon 29 Jul 2013, 9:57, Reply)

I plan on shouting into my mobile phone whenever the opportunity seems least appropriate

( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Mon 29 Jul 2013, 9:55, Reply)

When the packed train arrives, stand right in front of the doors as everybody's trying to get off.
The more slack-jawed and stupid your expression, the better.
( Kroney, Mon 29 Jul 2013, 9:56, Reply)

"forget" that to enter or exit the station you will need what we call a "ticket"
then stand blocking the gate exit while you root around for it in your handbag. For extra lols turn around a try and laugh it off to those stuck behind you
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 29 Jul 2013, 9:58, Reply)

When you finally reach your destination station
stop right outside the exit so that you can work out where to go next. For preference, right in the fucking doorway.
( Kroney, Mon 29 Jul 2013, 10:00, Reply)

And ask people what train you should be on. And then try to engage them in conversation.

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Mon 29 Jul 2013, 10:01, Reply)

Please don't ask which trains/bus routes you need to use to get to x destination
as a withering glare and lack of a response often offends.
( Kroney, Mon 29 Jul 2013, 10:04, Reply)

Would it be ok to run through a list of all the places I've already been to that day?

( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Mon 29 Jul 2013, 10:04, Reply)

As long as you also show photographs.

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Mon 29 Jul 2013, 10:07, Reply)

this works particularly well considering that you are underground...

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 29 Jul 2013, 9:56, Reply)

"YEAH...YOU'LL HAVE TO SPEAK UP, THE RECEPTION'S FUCKING WOEFUL...
WHAT??? WHAT???? YEAH.....WHAT????"
( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Mon 29 Jul 2013, 9:58, Reply)

get a taxi
roll down the windows
feel the breeze
laugh at the sweaty cunts on the tube

WIN
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 29 Jul 2013, 10:05, Reply)

Make sure you have a long beard, wear a Salwar Kameez and a Kufi
Have a large rucksack and a few Maplin Carrier bags, look shifty and try to sweat a lot, This guarantees seating even at rush hour
( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Mon 29 Jul 2013, 10:16, Reply)