I was woken up by the rain in bed last night
I was also riding the Midnight Bongle Express. Can't imagine what I could've been dreaming about. What wakes you up in the middle of the night saluting the troops?

Alt: What the fuck is the matter with you people? You haven't got the sense you were born with.

Altalt: I'm not a fan of lawyers, but being eaten in a gruesome yet comedic way by a dinosaur in a PG film is 'not on' and maybe even 'beyond the pale'. What do you think kids?
( Reginald Donkeyfuck, Fri 9 Aug 2013, 11:52, 74 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

This happens to me all the fucking time
Wake up needing a piss and spray the roof
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 9 Aug 2013, 11:54, Reply)

Should 'Rock Master Scott & the Dynamic Three' be in the house this would be most beneficial

( Reginald Donkeyfuck, Fri 9 Aug 2013, 11:55, Reply)

*lets motherfucker burn*

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 9 Aug 2013, 11:56, Reply)

I've got a TWELVE INCH of that, lol
Even more nerdily than that, I can tell you that the Chemical Bros don't, cos when they sampled the intro for Hey Boy Hey Girl they got it from the Buddha Baboons EP on AV8 which was itself sampled from the proper tune. You can tell cos of the keyboard noise in the background I THINK I MIGHT KILL MYSELF
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 9 Aug 2013, 12:16, Reply)

I am really very sorry everyone.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 9 Aug 2013, 12:18, Reply)

Hold the bells

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 9 Aug 2013, 12:20, Reply)

hahahahaha

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 9 Aug 2013, 12:20, Reply)

Yep. Hate it when that happens. End up straddling in some weird position whilst half asleep trying to avoid pissing like Stunned in a hotel room

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Fri 9 Aug 2013, 11:57, Reply)

Surely you could just dispense with your toilet stool in this scenario and loop it over the top

( Reginald Donkeyfuck, Fri 9 Aug 2013, 11:59, Reply)

How tall are you?

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Fri 9 Aug 2013, 11:59, Reply)

6ft

( Reginald Donkeyfuck, Fri 9 Aug 2013, 12:00, Reply)

Git. I'm 5'9".

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Fri 9 Aug 2013, 12:01, Reply)

Have you gained an inch in height here?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 9 Aug 2013, 12:02, Reply)

Awww, out little man's growing up!

( Reginald Donkeyfuck, Fri 9 Aug 2013, 12:03, Reply)

no
he's lying down and measuring up to the top of his gut
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 9 Aug 2013, 12:03, Reply)

Nope. Just got properly measured when I had a health check up for my private medical insurance.
Gonz had the reverse recently. He posted that he had though he was 5'10", turns out he's 5'5". Ha ha.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Fri 9 Aug 2013, 12:07, Reply)

Gonz never thought he was five ten.
Can't have done.
( Kroney, Fri 9 Aug 2013, 12:09, Reply)

He did.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Fri 9 Aug 2013, 12:09, Reply)

I gained at least two inches when I had my Bupa check up
I can see why people go private.
( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Fri 9 Aug 2013, 12:26, Reply)

me too
Fit nurses innit
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Fri 9 Aug 2013, 12:30, Reply)

PHWOAR

( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Fri 9 Aug 2013, 12:30, Reply)

It seems like a serious design flaw
that it's even possible. I find doing a reverse cowgirl on the loo and bending forwards solves the problem nicely.
( Kroney, Fri 9 Aug 2013, 12:00, Reply)

That's exactly how I straddle.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Fri 9 Aug 2013, 12:01, Reply)

my eyes
my fucking fucking eyes

why can't you UNREAD STUFF?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 9 Aug 2013, 12:03, Reply)

I still piss on my own face sometimes, but the risk is significantly reduced...
ladies
( Kroney, Fri 9 Aug 2013, 12:05, Reply)

once, many years ago
I was in the bath, with an erection, busting for a piss.
long story short, I accidentally pissed into my own mouth
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 9 Aug 2013, 12:07, Reply)

fuck off
i hope all your blood goes to your bongle and it bursts and you die
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 9 Aug 2013, 11:59, Reply)

That's not very nice
What did I do on you?
( Reginald Donkeyfuck, Fri 9 Aug 2013, 12:01, Reply)

She's probably leaking blood from her vadge.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Fri 9 Aug 2013, 12:02, Reply)

you dissed lawyers
therefore you must die
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 9 Aug 2013, 12:02, Reply)

I'm defending their celluloid treatment you deranged harpy!

( Reginald Donkeyfuck, Fri 9 Aug 2013, 12:03, Reply)

Harpy is a much underused word.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Fri 9 Aug 2013, 12:07, Reply)

Phineus of Thrace lolz

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 9 Aug 2013, 12:23, Reply)

yes, your love for us is crystal clear in the words "i'm not a fan of lawyers"
bongle-burst
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 9 Aug 2013, 12:14, Reply)

Well, you're alright I guess, bit dizzy mind

( Reginald Donkeyfuck, Fri 9 Aug 2013, 12:17, Reply)

i am fucking EXCELLENT
and don't you ever forget it
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 9 Aug 2013, 12:24, Reply)

Ahem
ellent crement
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 9 Aug 2013, 12:57, Reply)

Text and also book

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Fri 9 Aug 2013, 13:01, Reply)

My good friend is a lawyer. This is great, because it gives me a lifetime of abuse to throw at him
and a free legal service should I ever require it.

I once had a sexy dream where the lady turned into a sort of caterpiller wriggly slimy thing. It quite put me off my stroke.

Altaltalt: Sainsbury's Povvo Special again, I expect.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 9 Aug 2013, 12:21, Reply)

man, i love giving free legal advice to friends
ooh, you're a property lawyer? i've got this speeding ticket, right...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 9 Aug 2013, 12:25, Reply)

Funnily enough he is a property lawyer.
And I need property advice right now.

Which is nice.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 9 Aug 2013, 12:26, Reply)

lucky you
now go and kill someone and take him the body, he'll like that
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 9 Aug 2013, 12:29, Reply)

Good idea. Did you have anyone particular in mind, or are you suggesting I go for someone at random?

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 9 Aug 2013, 12:34, Reply)

no, i'll leave it to your discretion

( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 9 Aug 2013, 12:38, Reply)

Hahaha
"discretion".
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 9 Aug 2013, 12:41, Reply)

Why do people still think that leopard print looks nice?
There is no way to make that look classy, is there?

Are you saying you were masturbating in your sleep, or just woke up with a a turgid member?

AltAlt: If we weren't all such disagreeable pricks without the sense to solve or own problems, we wouldn't need lawyers.
( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Fri 9 Aug 2013, 12:25, Reply)

the problem with leopard print is that there is about 1 person in every 10,000,000,000 who can pull it off
so other impressionable twats see the picture and think, oooh, that'd make me look well sexy.

they are wrong.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 9 Aug 2013, 12:25, Reply)

The woman next door has a coat AND a matching handbag
It looks woeful.

Also, a coat?? It's fucking 20 degrees out there!!
( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Fri 9 Aug 2013, 12:27, Reply)

yes, she proves my point
someone like a young kate moss could just about have gotten away with a leopard print trim on a sexy dress or jeans/shirt combination.

it does not sound as if your neighbour looks like this.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 9 Aug 2013, 12:29, Reply)

No
She looks like Matt Lucas in an ABBA wig.
( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Fri 9 Aug 2013, 12:30, Reply)

That's one for the wank bank.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Fri 9 Aug 2013, 12:31, Reply)

*spluff*

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 9 Aug 2013, 12:35, Reply)

sexxxxxy
everything about you's so seeeeeeeeexy
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 9 Aug 2013, 12:38, Reply)

Alt: Battered is 5'9"? Who's talking shit now?

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Fri 9 Aug 2013, 12:30, Reply)

He's like Walter Mitty: if Walter Mitty was 5'4"

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 9 Aug 2013, 12:33, Reply)

Aw man, I can't WAIT for the Ben Stiller Walter Mitty movie!!!11!!

( Reginald Donkeyfuck, Fri 9 Aug 2013, 12:36, Reply)

The truth is out there
b3ta.com/questions/offtopic/post1536194
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 9 Aug 2013, 12:40, Reply)

Pretty sure I got caught by a copper with a radar gun last night.

( Kroney, Fri 9 Aug 2013, 12:36, Reply)

*euphemismlols*

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Fri 9 Aug 2013, 12:38, Reply)

20 mins it took me to get back from yours
20 mins.

2 hours there, 20 mins back. ffs.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 9 Aug 2013, 12:42, Reply)

I did tell you to avoid Hangar Lane.
You ignored me, it took two hours. You did what I told you, it took twenty minutes.

What's the moral of this story?
( Kroney, Fri 9 Aug 2013, 12:49, Reply)