Well the Xmas planning has started, with the plans for the office xmas party getting emailed out and at least 80% of the workforce moaning about it
Having had to plan one of these things in the past I think it's a complete waste of fucking time as you're never going to please everyone, even if your workforce totals 3 people.

Do you like office xmas parties? What would be your ideal night out with the cunts you work with?

Alt: Ever been too drunk to get into a nightclub?

Altalt: I dunno, ask another b3tan a question or something, try not to be rude as there are sensitive types round here.
( Bill Clay a.k.a. Claudio, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 16:10, 75 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Mercifully we have no Xmas party, nor any decorations, nor card exchanging, none of it.
What we have instead is my poisonous cunt of a boss being extra cuntish when all the Xmas business has been taken care of and people start to wind down. Being mentally ill, he cannot stand this.

Alt: nope

Altalt: why are you all such pricks?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 16:14, Reply)

Altalt: It's the only bit of hope that you have left.
However bad things get, you can always log on here and think "At least I'm not one of those pricks"
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 16:15, Reply)

That's why I'm here!
It's also why I spend my evenings and weekends in West End bars.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 16:16, Reply)

I like most of my colleagues and am very lucky in this respect.
Last years Christmas do was a really shit meal and I was a bit drunk and told everyone. Didn't go down well.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 16:16, Reply)

NEITHER DID THE MEAL!!!!!!

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 16:17, Reply)

I STILL CAN'T KNEEL
without involuntarily gagging.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 16:22, Reply)

Are you a priest?

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 16:26, Reply)

Wherever I have worked the ideal night out with colleagues would have involved me with a selection of loaded machine guns and all of them screaming for mercy.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 16:17, Reply)

I fucking love christmas, I even had an emergancy christmas on saturday, but I really can't stand office christmas parties, I've completely forgotten how to be socialable at these things and feel like a complete plum.
Oh god, i've started thinking about it now, I best have a methadone to calm myself down.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 16:20, Reply)

I'm quite happy to get drunk and eat a meal at my employer's expense.
They usually happen during working hours as well, so I'm being paid for it too.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 16:20, Reply)

I once got absolutely wired to the gills before the meal, ate nothing, avoided all eye contact
then lied about a DJ gig and fled.

I'm so cool.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 16:22, Reply)

Last years was amazing.
Didn't pay for one drink. champagne flowing, our own private vodka bar. Dinner at Australasia.

Only thing I spent was fifty notes on some blow.

Bring on this years!

Alt. Never, but I have fell down the stairs on my way out of one, culminating in a forward roll and ending upright. Amazing.

Altalt. You can all shit off tbh.
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 16:25, Reply)

Bit rude

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 16:27, Reply)

Just trying to fit in.
Sick of being nice and getting nothing back.
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 16:27, Reply)

I'm always nice.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 16:27, Reply)

I think we've all been very friendly to Jase.
I find his comment hurtful and uncalled for.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 16:29, Reply)

I have had it much easier than some.
Here, have a flouncy, half hearted apology

xoxo
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 16:30, Reply)

Yeah I'm starting to wonder if he's sound after all.
He's acting like a dick here, and I don't like it one bit.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 16:33, Reply)

We're looking at a meal at one of those all you can eat international buffet affairs
in a town 25 miles away from the workplace on a Friday night with no transport or accommodation. Fair enough, it's free lukewarm food and the dazzling sights and sounds of Peterborough, but fuck off.

I might suggest a munchy box and crate of Frosty Jack down the local rec as an alternative.
( Bill Clay a.k.a. Claudio, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 16:35, Reply)

Is that what toothless pakis charge these days?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 16:40, Reply)

ASK YM

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 17:27, Reply)

Anyone been to the National Army Museum in Chelsea?
I was thinking of checking it out next time I'm down there
( Bill Clay a.k.a. Claudio, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 16:31, Reply)

I've not, and I suspect this is an error on my part.
Imperial War Museum is fricken AWWWSUM d00d, obv.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 16:32, Reply)

Yes I agree, the trench experience is really good

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 16:33, Reply)

But enough about YM

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 16:34, Reply)

well really

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 16:34, Reply)

I quite like going to mesiums and shit with people who know their shit.
Normally the real story is much better than the one I make up in my head and it saves me reading a ton of dull little plinths.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 16:34, Reply)

you can hire a loop, that gives you a ton of information

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 16:35, Reply)

But you can't ask it really retarded questions hoping that everyone else is thinking the same but doesn't have the guts to say it out loud.
For example "Monty, I can see how this Cannon fires.... the resulting air pressure from the explosion in the gunpowder does blah blah blah blah.... but what would happen if you fire it 90 degrees in the air?"
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 16:45, Reply)

Take Nakers with you, I think the staff would *really* appreciate the conversation

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 16:47, Reply)

I once gave a guided tour of the Elgin Marbles by mistake
I was explaining to my then gf what each bit was and noticed after a few minutes some gormless cunts were trying to surreptitiously earwig in on it
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 16:48, Reply)

Last year I was walking over the Millenium Bridge toward the Tate and the Globe
and heard some chancer giving a tour to a group of forrins that consisted of a load of wacky made up stuff. I don't know if he was taking the piss or they'd paid for the privilege of a bullshitters guide to London.
( Bill Clay a.k.a. Claudio, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 16:52, Reply)

Yeah that was me as well
It's what I "do", yeah?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 16:59, Reply)

I went to the portrate with someone from here who knew her stuff, and it was actaully facinating.
I couldn't stand history guff but I just think I haven't been feed history guff in the right way.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 16:59, Reply)

HINT HINT

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 16:59, Reply)

HINT TAKEN

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 17:01, Reply)

Scatman John

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 16:36, Reply)

Might take micro there this weekend, but she might be too young to enjoy it.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 16:37, Reply)

nah year old girls fucking love tanks and guns and mustard gas

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 16:43, Reply)

Sod her, go for your own amusement and pretend it's to teach about the horrors of war.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 16:44, Reply)

^ this ^

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 16:44, Reply)

I haven't been for about four years, well overdue another visit.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 16:46, Reply)

Duxford is ace too.
www.iwm.org.uk/visits/iwm-duxford

Edit: Not least because there's an SR-71 there...
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 16:45, Reply)

The one in Colindale looks a tad shite

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 16:46, Reply)

The tours at the old bunkers on Jersey are supposed to be very good

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 16:50, Reply)

I can attest to that!

(Himjim died a little more inside on, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 16:51, Reply)

Never been myself, lots of Nazi stuff there isn't they?

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 16:52, Reply)

Oh yes, it had an excellent renovation recently.
www.jerseywartunnels.com/

There's also lots of concrete pillbox nonsense around the island still.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 16:55, Reply)

They look like they aren't made properly
due to the extreme heat cos they go so fast, everything warps, and after every mission the outside had to be "ironed" back to shape.
The fuel leaks all over too as gaps appear all over the place.
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 16:51, Reply)

I’m assuming this has nothing to do with the Imperial war museum

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 16:33, Reply)

Ours is a black tie event at somewhere dead swank
I didn't go last year because I couldn't be arsed to hire a tux. Suppose I ought to give it a go this year.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 16:46, Reply)

It's a dinner jacket you frightful pleb

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 17:53, Reply)

One of the best objections to the restaurant most popular option with the team when I tried to organise it was
"I've heard the portions there are a bit big."
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 16:50, Reply)

Give the fuckers round here a gold bar for their Xmas bonus and they'd complain about having to carry it home

( Bill Clay a.k.a. Claudio, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 16:53, Reply)

Precisely this.
I once attended a meal for 18 of us, where one bottle of wine was consumed, while all the 30-somethings pushed their food around their plates, not eating because they're on a diet, and discussed how awful the poverty in Africa is.

The host's girlfriend then came 'round each single person and checked what they'd had, and exactly what they owed.

I'd like to think in part this was because Mrs Vagabond and I were knocking back the beers.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 16:58, Reply)

so what was the high point of your hol, Vagisil?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 17:04, Reply)

Watching sun rise in Monument Valley.
Listening to the most awesome piano blues in N'Awlins, by a chap that made Tom Waits look like Elton John, drinking bourbon on the balcony of our room, using the remote control to open and shut our curtains until Mrs V told me to stop it.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 17:08, Reply)

I've never been to New Orleans and I reckon it's the place for me

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 17:11, Reply)

FFS

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 17:02, Reply)

I never bother going to work Christmas do's.
If it's a team meal or a night on the lash, fair enough, but I can't be arsed with the meticulously organised seating-plan bollocks type ones. Especially now the company only pays for the meal and it's usually at a hotel out of town.

alt: yes several times.
( Slippery Mick ‏, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 17:02, Reply)

I went to a formal dinner in Winchester College once where you had to change seats half way through.
This was actually a fucking result as for the first bit I was stuck with a whispering American professor and a junior science master who was the least socially-competent person I'd ever met (this was before I'd even been to a B4$H).
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 17:06, Reply)

That's another problem with these things; I usually seem to get placed next to someone whose life I can't be arsed feigning interest in.
Or in other words, sit there with my eyes glazing over whilst they talk about their extension/holiday/annoying children/work.
( Slippery Mick ‏, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 17:09, Reply)

One of these cunts wouldn't shut up about Bunsen Burner injuries
The other one could have said anything as I didn't hear a single word. After about 50 'pardons' it gets too embarrassing to say it again.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 17:11, Reply)

( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 17:14, Reply)

( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 17:16, Reply)

Less keen on this one

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 17:18, Reply)

( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 17:20, Reply)

Least keen of all on this one.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 17:22, Reply)

Finally someone posting something I can really get behind.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 17:17, Reply)

PHWOAR

( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 17:17, Reply)

HI!
Erm not really. Don't like going 'outside' anymore.

Alt: yes I have ever been too drunk to get into a nightclub.

Altalt: did anyone have two Zinger Tower burgers for lunch?
( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 17:36, Reply)

Bindun
Bit plane
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 17:39, Reply)

But it's my favourite phrase!
I just like the idea of someone having two burgers, rather than the 911 reference.
( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 17:42, Reply)