Write a personal ad for yourself or someone else on here
alt: Greatest DIY success/disaster

altalt: what silly things make you grin or laugh?
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 10:25, 112 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

I might have a bacon & mushroom sandwich in a minute.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 10:30, Reply)

Slim chap, over 6', solvent and a property owner, doesn't have a drug addiction and isn't an IT goblin
seeks horse-faced PR girl with rich mummy and daddy to squeeze out three or four perfect blonde children then retire to a country cottage with oak floors.
No fat chicks.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 10:31, Reply)

perfect!
mini ape is very blond...
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 10:37, Reply)

man
that's going to cost you a FORTUNE in highlights when she gets to be a teenager :(
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 10:47, Reply)

alt: scratch built a full fitted pine bedroom furniture suite from solid pine, inc dressing table etc, quality
then moved house a year later :(
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 10:32, Reply)

Horned M seeks udders for company and milk
Alt:
I built a bookcase using a garlic press
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 10:33, Reply)

I crushed some garlic using books

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 10:34, Reply)

And now the circle is complete

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 10:41, Reply)

intelligent beautiful legal type seeks NORMAL person for voddies and good timez
alt: if you lifted any of the pictures that i hung myself, you'd see a fair few holes where i failed to hit the nail in straight the first few times

altalt: i just googled "do raspberry ketones work" because i am so sick of them on my fb. and someone put:

"they made me burp a LOT. and they made my burps taste of raspberries. so if you want to spend £500 on raspberry flavoured burps, yes. otherwise... no." this made me LOL.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 10:34, Reply)

who's that ad for?

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 10:36, Reply)

er...

( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 10:43, Reply)

They are great for conning slow-witted fat people out of enormous sums of money, simply by offering them a free sample where they only have to pay P&P*





_{^{*You are signing up to receive a tub a month for the next 12 months. The initial sample is free, all subsequent deliveries (which will follow automatically unless you contact us in writing quoting ref: QF1297f7y84h to cancel this order) will be charged at the full rate of £79.99 per tub.}}
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 10:39, Reply)

it is mental that people fall for that sort of shit
if they actually worked, do they not think doctors would be prescribing them to people??
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 10:43, Reply)

we've covered this before, people are fucking spastics

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 10:44, Reply)

People don't trust their GPs any more
Luckily they have the internet to diagnose their 'illnesses' and also to provide solutions.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 10:45, Reply)

totally misread your post and thought you had pictures of your attempted suicide
And all I could think was 'I wonder where she got a strong enough rope'
(quintsy, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 13:19, Reply)

6'7'', 40, with massive cowlick, diabetes & only one foot.
Seeks female with the patience of a saint who is happy for her chap to drink 15 pints a night. Every night. Ability to change surgical dressings a bonus.

Must like Lewisham.

May consider bints that have had a mastectomy.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 10:35, Reply)

When I put up The Shelves Of Death was perhaps my high- or low-point, depending on how you see my and Mrs Vagabond's continued existence.
Altalt: I find it impossible not to grin happily when I hear Walk Like An Egyptian by The Bangles.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 10:38, Reply)

"I'll be your Frog prince if you'll be my Frog princess"
alt: I wrecked one of our shelves by falling into it drunk, does that count?

altalt: you lot make me CHORTLE HEARTILY every day, you bunch of funsters
( Theoban What of it, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 10:39, Reply)

No offence, like, but fuck off.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 10:40, Reply)

ok!

( Theoban What of it, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 10:41, Reply)

You saw my Commuter Cupid ad then?

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 10:45, Reply)

wasn't he the only one to reply to you?

( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 10:46, Reply)

NO ONE REPLIED.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 10:47, Reply)

fun times in folkstone probably put people off

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 10:47, Reply)

Never heard of folkstone. Soz.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 10:48, Reply)

christ that sounds like a really grim swingers' ad

( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 10:51, Reply)

rather than those non grim swingers ads

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 10:52, Reply)

What, the slim young classy swingers in all those lovely videos?

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 10:53, Reply)

I think we're spending too much time together, Nakers
We should maybe consider seeing other people.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 10:53, Reply)

:'(

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 11:19, Reply)

As opposed to those swingers who don't make your flesh crawl?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 10:52, Reply)

all swinging is rank and for people who should just get divorced
but i think a seedy little town swinging session would have grimmer people than one in the city, yep
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 10:53, Reply)

I've never been to one in the city.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 10:55, Reply)

one in the city me
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 10:56, Reply)

I've never been to me?

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 11:00, Reply)

great now we'll all be singing it all day
thanks dude
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 11:01, Reply)

Say what now?

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 11:02, Reply)

google it!
"i've never been to me" by charlene.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 11:07, Reply)

Not gonna google that
It might be early 90's piano based happy hardcore.
( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 11:09, Reply)

It's worse.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 11:18, Reply)

Didn't Jo Wiley get into a spot of bother the other day, when she bought a load of pampas grass for her front garden
and had a string of swingers turning up?

Or did I dream that?
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 10:59, Reply)

i suspect you were dreaming

( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 11:01, Reply)

Nah - actually it was Mariella Frostrop
www.telegraph.co.uk/news/celebritynews/8923263/Mariella-Frostrup-accidentally-invites-swingers-with-pampas-grass.html
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 11:03, Reply)

this made me lol
5.9.83.79/questions/diy/post137746
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 10:42, Reply)

And click with gusto!

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 10:44, Reply)

I had no idea what you were on about here

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 10:47, Reply)

Recently single male,with own pleather jacket, based in Milton Keynes seeks anyone. Absolutely anyone.
A detailed understanding of Microsoft Excel essential. A liking for discount vouchers preferred.

No sex workers please; I've been hurt before.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 10:53, Reply)

I've just had another shit.
Fucking hell it was painful.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 11:02, Reply)

This sort of gold is exactly why I joined up.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 11:05, Reply)

as painful as reading your shit?

( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 11:07, Reply)

That is fucking

Hilarious!

*clicks with gusto*
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 11:10, Reply)

c
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 11:15, Reply)

ewww

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 11:24, Reply)

Opinionated longhair seeks tagnut-plucking lackey for hoover snout lols.
ITEMS WANTED: Ginger-hued chickpea container with discreet mouth attachment for hair-based powerlunching.

Pleatherette clad bill dodger seeks same due to broken mirror woes

GOOD SEX WANTED: Must have been at the launch of the first Moog synthesizer, play in a band, have a stand up act that cannot be knocked as it's pretty strong. Own private road and fast car a MUST.
( Reginald Donkeyfuck, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 11:08, Reply)

I fixed a sofa Monty's large friends broke.
It's still holding strong.
( wanderlust, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 11:13, Reply)

Hang on, didn't your dad fix it?

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 11:17, Reply)

Nope,
I did. He handed me the hammer and stuff.
( wanderlust, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 11:18, Reply)

They both did - and it took about 6h

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 11:18, Reply)

A friend and I got stoned and tried to put together an Ikea bed
it took 4 hours
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 11:32, Reply)

Drug addict

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 11:36, Reply)

i was a student, I've grown up since then

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 11:41, Reply)

put sleep
an ikea bed
( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 11:39, Reply)

You did a really fucking good job actually, it's way more sturdy than it was when I bought it

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 11:17, Reply)

the archives for this place are a bit weird tbh
you can still post in them so the first thread has a right load of shit in it
( Reginald Donkeyfuck, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 11:13, Reply)

NS w GSOH seeks BBW SBF for S&M

( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 11:18, Reply)

You feeling better my nPompey pal?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 11:22, Reply)

A little better today, thanks for asking
My head still hurts, but I'm fairly confident that it's naht a toomer
( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 11:23, Reply)

i am sleeping like the dead at the moment, slpt through my alarm and all this morning

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 11:26, Reply)

woah
any idea why?
( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 11:27, Reply)

toomer probs

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 11:28, Reply)

it's prabably a toomer

( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 11:30, Reply)

i reckoon

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 11:31, Reply)

I had a sex dream that included my mate's ex-wife
Should I tell him about it? I mean, would he see the funny side? Bear in mind, he chucked her out.
( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 11:22, Reply)

the you chucked your muck up her
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 11:26, Reply)

QUITE
To be fair, she has massive boobies. I mean REALLY big.
( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 11:27, Reply)

like uncomfortably big and are gonna get stretch marks and be all veiny?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 11:27, Reply)

In time, almost certainly
thusly, the proverbial iron is HOT.
( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 11:30, Reply)

Cor!
I mean, COR!!!
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 11:28, Reply)

I KNOW
They're BEEZER!
( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 11:31, Reply)

I put some shelves up in my bedroom.
They are level and they are still up, several months later.

Anyone who knows how cackhanded and impatient I am will tell you this is a miracle of 'feeding the 5000' stature.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 11:29, Reply)

Nah, I reckon ur gud at everyfink, Monce
x
( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 11:33, Reply)

"Monce"
Pffft.

Sounds like "peedo".
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 11:34, Reply)

You two might as well just start doing it.

( wanderlust, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 11:34, Reply)

they can't
stunned would kill him
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 11:35, Reply)

Not to mention how ANDREW MARR would take it!!!!! ANDREW MARR!!!!!!!

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 11:37, Reply)

I have clicked the 'I like this' button

( Reginald Donkeyfuck, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 11:44, Reply)

Stunned will be jealous.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 11:35, Reply)

Oh boohoo, poor fucking stunned.

( wanderlust, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 11:36, Reply)

oooooooooooooooh.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 11:38, Reply)

wow, do you think he's interested?
I'm not very pretty :(
( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 11:37, Reply)

you've lost a lot of weight though sweetie
and you can always tuck the leftover skin into your jeans
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 11:38, Reply)

*sniff*
for reals?
( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 11:39, Reply)

yeah of course,get a pair with an elasticated waist band by mail order from the back of the Daily Mail

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 11:41, Reply)

In three practical colours!

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 11:45, Reply)

they are just waiting to lull you into a false sense of security
before they fall on your swede in the middle of the night
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 11:35, Reply)

Monty has Ulrika johnson held hostage in his bathe room?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 11:38, Reply)

heed = swede!

( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 11:41, Reply)

no offence love but that's not how you spell "head"


*shakes head in despair at today's youth*
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 11:42, Reply)

I never do any DIY, in fact I don't even like having to talk to the chaps we pay to do this stuff for us.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 11:40, Reply)

"how about that local football team eh?"
"Jestem polskim kretynie"
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 11:43, Reply)

haha

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 11:45, Reply)

I've started a new thread.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 11:46, Reply)