Work woes
Mrs Cow is being OFSTEDed as I speak. What realistically is the worst thing that could happen to you at work? Or the best?
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 27 Nov 2013, 11:24, 139 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Never mind that bollocks
Next Thursdays trip to Pinewood is on and they are letting me stay the night and come back Friday afternoon. Battered is bound to be up for a pint Thursday because he's a chronic alcoholic. Is Swipey around? If she can pull the cocks out of her mouth for long enough to answer me is she free for Lunch Friday 6th?
( Peej, Wed 27 Nov 2013, 11:27, Reply)

I can confirm I am around.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 27 Nov 2013, 11:28, Reply)

a

*checks, pats self on back*
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Wed 27 Nov 2013, 11:30, Reply)

Super, I'm broke and have no idea where I am staying at this point
So won't be a late or messy one. But would be good to have a few.
( Peej, Wed 27 Nov 2013, 11:34, Reply)

I have micro until 6.30, so am around after that.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 27 Nov 2013, 11:34, Reply)

I'll be working so that suits me.

( Peej, Wed 27 Nov 2013, 11:36, Reply)

worst: FCA enforcement action
Best: news of Battered's lonely suicide.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 27 Nov 2013, 11:32, Reply)

Ain't gonna happen.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 27 Nov 2013, 11:34, Reply)

You think he's safe from FCA enforcement action?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 27 Nov 2013, 11:34, Reply)

Definitely.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 27 Nov 2013, 11:35, Reply)

we have an excellent compliance team

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 27 Nov 2013, 12:24, Reply)

For the purposes of my own purile amusement
I am going to assume that OFSTEDed is a Geordie term for buggered like a steam train.
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Wed 27 Nov 2013, 11:34, Reply)

I'll OFSTED you good boy

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 27 Nov 2013, 11:36, Reply)

The worst thing is happening right now. Fucking Carol Singing, in November. CUNTS!
Best, thats happening too, another department is taking me to Pinewood to get me all clued up on this project they are working on so they can poach me. New job is on the cards v. soon.
( Peej, Wed 27 Nov 2013, 11:35, Reply)

We came close to a 'worst' a year or so back
Had to effect a huge product recall, because of potential health risk.

As for best, I wouldn't mind a go on the receptionist's breasts #TRULAD
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 27 Nov 2013, 11:36, Reply)

There are some epic pairs in Customer Services here
Like moons....
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 27 Nov 2013, 11:37, Reply)

Most people who work in customer services are complete tits.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 27 Nov 2013, 11:41, Reply)

This is true but ours is now chock full of hot women
Kroney would have a fucking whale of a time
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 27 Nov 2013, 11:48, Reply)

Thats no Moon
* has bad feeling*
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Wed 27 Nov 2013, 11:49, Reply)

By "Go" do you mean a proper working over
or just a quick "honka honka" if its the latter just ask.,
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Wed 27 Nov 2013, 11:49, Reply)

Back in 2006 the University I work for had to recall their prospectus and have them reprinted at a massive cost.
The reason being, in an attempt to be cool and trendy they put a mocked up advert for a fake punk event on the back cover. It was only after thousands of the things had been printed and delivered that they discovered that the fake advert had a swastika on it.
( Peej, Wed 27 Nov 2013, 11:40, Reply)

Getting sacked.
Your wife fellating me in the disabled bogs.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 27 Nov 2013, 11:42, Reply)

+for

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 27 Nov 2013, 11:48, Reply)

Cheapest ticket for the rugby world cup final is £515.
:(
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 27 Nov 2013, 11:43, Reply)

Thats 3 haircuts in Swipedollars

( Peej, Wed 27 Nov 2013, 11:44, Reply)

Cheapest for any other England game is £215. I'll book one of those - probably England v Wales.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 27 Nov 2013, 11:45, Reply)

We could hand out some drugs that could kill or seriously harm someone.
So, no pressure.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Wed 27 Nov 2013, 11:52, Reply)

And let our personal assistants spend £300k on credit cards?

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 27 Nov 2013, 11:54, Reply)

I suppose every company fears being shut down.
I already had a redundancy stint last year, so none of that please!

Best thing would be a lovely pay rise and a surprise holiday to the Carribbean for my efforts, and to stay in one of them rooms below the surface of the sea.

*dreams*

Real life has me not at the end of my first coffee yet and googling reupholstry. Next stop: Menopause.
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Wed 27 Nov 2013, 11:58, Reply)

Manopause

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 27 Nov 2013, 11:59, Reply)

Manitary towels

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Wed 27 Nov 2013, 12:02, Reply)

Manoprolapse

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Wed 27 Nov 2013, 12:03, Reply)

Pinksock it to them

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 27 Nov 2013, 12:04, Reply)

like a burst pink balloon with the knot intact.

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Wed 27 Nov 2013, 12:07, Reply)

DO I?!!!!

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 27 Nov 2013, 12:08, Reply)

Well I thought my tale of swastikas was a good one but no replies, fuck you all
I may leave in a massive flounce.
( Peej, Wed 27 Nov 2013, 12:08, Reply)

As a Hindu, I don't find swastikas offensive

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 27 Nov 2013, 12:10, Reply)

Typical. I KNEW you were one of those hippy religions.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 27 Nov 2013, 12:16, Reply)

As a Nazi, neither do I.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 27 Nov 2013, 12:16, Reply)

What tale?
Link it stinky.
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Wed 27 Nov 2013, 12:10, Reply)

Scroll up

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 27 Nov 2013, 12:13, Reply)

No.

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Wed 27 Nov 2013, 12:17, Reply)

No, it wasn't a very good story anyway.
When can you come and replace the light cord in my bathroom?
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 27 Nov 2013, 12:19, Reply)

If you can be in Cheltenham on Sunday, I'll sort you out.

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Wed 27 Nov 2013, 12:22, Reply)

Well I could potentially be there, but I'm not sure my bathroom could be.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 27 Nov 2013, 13:15, Reply)

I didnt see it
But I do seem to recall the event,
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Wed 27 Nov 2013, 12:15, Reply)

I could die.
Painfully zapped by electric.

Alright.
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Wed 27 Nov 2013, 12:10, Reply)

and what's the worst that could happen..?

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Wed 27 Nov 2013, 12:13, Reply)

haha

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 27 Nov 2013, 12:14, Reply)

Its a click from me Bob

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Wed 27 Nov 2013, 12:15, Reply)

:(((

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Wed 27 Nov 2013, 12:18, Reply)

*ruffles hair*
You're one of the best ones here!
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Wed 27 Nov 2013, 12:20, Reply)

Nah, I'm barely here at all anymore.
30 min lunch is all them time I get with you.
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Wed 27 Nov 2013, 12:22, Reply)

Wasn't a lot of your training about how to not die painfully zapped by electric?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 27 Nov 2013, 12:14, Reply)

Training is for wimps

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 27 Nov 2013, 12:15, Reply)

So you have tried the TA then?

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Wed 27 Nov 2013, 12:15, Reply)

Tits and Arse

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 27 Nov 2013, 12:17, Reply)

Well yeah,
But all the training is based on how stuff should be done in different environments. Stuff is rarely installed properly.
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Wed 27 Nov 2013, 12:18, Reply)

I don't know how the BT/Virgin/Sky dudes cope
Inside those phone junction box thingys ( I believe that is the technical term) just looks like an explosion of wires. Obviously there will be a complex system in place but wow.
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Wed 27 Nov 2013, 12:20, Reply)

Those are not an bad as they look.
Once you know the number/colour system you're away.
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Wed 27 Nov 2013, 12:21, Reply)

My mate was an engineer in the Royal Navy for 8 years, wiring up weapons systems, etc.
When he left he found he was colour blind
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 27 Nov 2013, 12:22, Reply)

That's reassuring.

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Wed 27 Nov 2013, 12:27, Reply)

I worked on an explosives stock control system for the Royal Army of Oman
I accidentally reversed a mixing rule so that it required the binary explosive components to be stored in the same bin, rather than preventing it.

I like to use this example whenever anyone suggests cutting down on testing due to a project overrun.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Wed 27 Nov 2013, 12:43, Reply)

Excellent

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 27 Nov 2013, 12:46, Reply)

Get raped and tortured by some tigers someone had released into the building as an act of petty revenge or something, probably.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 27 Nov 2013, 12:35, Reply)

siegfried and roy's
Come back act was less than successful
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Wed 27 Nov 2013, 13:05, Reply)

Brown suits.
Yes or no?
( Kroney, Wed 27 Nov 2013, 12:40, Reply)

No

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 27 Nov 2013, 12:42, Reply)

Never

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Wed 27 Nov 2013, 12:43, Reply)

So far it's looking like a maybe.

( Kroney, Wed 27 Nov 2013, 12:45, Reply)

Absolutely never.

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Wed 27 Nov 2013, 12:46, Reply)

I reckon I could pull one off.

( Kroney, Wed 27 Nov 2013, 12:50, Reply)

Well then you will have to buy it.

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Wed 27 Nov 2013, 12:52, Reply)

My Granddad wore brown suits

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 27 Nov 2013, 13:00, Reply)

About ready for a reboot, I reckon.
Dr Who wore one and that's good enough for me.
( Kroney, Wed 27 Nov 2013, 13:05, Reply)

yes

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 27 Nov 2013, 12:53, Reply)

No. Unless you want to look like a twat like Dozer.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 27 Nov 2013, 12:56, Reply)

This is definitely looking positive.

( Kroney, Wed 27 Nov 2013, 12:56, Reply)

do it.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 27 Nov 2013, 13:02, Reply)

Yes
But it is dependant on material, shiny brown definite no no, tweed then absolutely
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Wed 27 Nov 2013, 13:06, Reply)

and tasteful lining

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 27 Nov 2013, 13:12, Reply)

Very much this,

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Wed 27 Nov 2013, 13:44, Reply)

Yeah, why not.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 27 Nov 2013, 13:18, Reply)

Following through.

( Slippery Mick ‏, Wed 27 Nov 2013, 12:42, Reply)

Worst: I could be transferred to the Project of Doom aka Regulatory Reporting
In related news, I start working on Regulatory Reporting today.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Wed 27 Nov 2013, 12:45, Reply)

*lights candle*

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Wed 27 Nov 2013, 12:46, Reply)

Dipping sandwiches in soup...
Is this acceptable or the mark of a horrible commoner?
( Slippery Mick ‏, Wed 27 Nov 2013, 12:49, Reply)

AIA
Acceptable in Aberdeen.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 27 Nov 2013, 12:54, Reply)

It just seems wrong

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 27 Nov 2013, 12:58, Reply)

Cheese sandwich + tomato soup = lush

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Wed 27 Nov 2013, 13:52, Reply)

french dip

( willenium Fist bump for verification, Wed 27 Nov 2013, 13:40, Reply)

Hi guys
I hope once I have done my time to apply for a position within an OFSTED inspection team. I certainly will only be checking out the running of the schools and that correct procedures are being adhered to, and not inspecting the kids! lol

Thanks for everything, it means a lot.

Keep the faith!

Ian x
(Lou Carpenter, Wed 27 Nov 2013, 12:53, Reply)

Bye Ian, we love you! xx

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 27 Nov 2013, 12:58, Reply)

It is all about the music from now on.
I'm writing a lullaby or two during my time on remand.

Keep strong, we can get through this, the music will never die!

Best wishes,

Ian x
(Lou Carpenter, Wed 27 Nov 2013, 13:01, Reply)

Worst? Ludicrous travel at short notice (dodged that bullet*) or them finding out what a lazy workshy bellend I am
Best? Sales of four of our most expensive machines and the subsequent mahoosive bonus all in the same month**


*Boss arranged a meeting at noon - an eight and a half-hour drive. Should've checked the address!

*This has happened - woohoo!
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Wed 27 Nov 2013, 13:23, Reply)

nowhere in the uk is 8 1/2 hours drive away from Coventry
Unless you drive like granny yurtprick
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 27 Nov 2013, 13:44, Reply)

Thats what I was thinking
If I can get to Tavistock in 7 hours from here you drive like a 90yo
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 27 Nov 2013, 13:47, Reply)

me?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 27 Nov 2013, 13:48, Reply)

No, him

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 27 Nov 2013, 13:48, Reply)