alright campers
Wednesday! 'Hump day' in the parlance of the 'bent fucking prick'! What does today hold for YOU?

Alt: make up some vile slander about a prominent public figure. Perhaps they 'finger kids' or something. Who knows? You do, that's who!

Alt alt: suggest some creative methods for Battered's suicide. He's clearly a 'man on the edge' and no mistake!
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 8:11, 153 replies, latest was 11 years ago)

Not for me
Today is the new Friday. Hollibobs tomorrow!
( Kroney, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 8:12, Reply)

how many sleepywinks until hollipops?
I mean, are you planning on having a midday nap? That would really mess up the 'sleepywinks' counter!
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 8:15, Reply)

^ Radical

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 8:21, Reply)

^^ This

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 8:44, Reply)

b3ta.com/questions/offtopic/post2127864
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 8:21, Reply)

I read yesterday that Jim Davidson DID get Yewtreed, but has been let off.
Wassallthatabaat?!
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 8:22, Reply)

I heard that Bruno Brooks is next

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 8:27, Reply)

you're a weird little man

( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 8:31, Reply)

gid moaning to you too

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 8:32, Reply)

Wednesday? Well, work, as usual, you fluken count.
Alt: Jet was technically a Gladiatrix.
Altalt: Boil head in oil.
( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 8:32, Reply)

it's a click from me!

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 8:36, Reply)

Thread of the day!

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 8:38, Reply)

A half day
My boss has turned up to work today with a stinking cold when he could quite easily just work from home like he normally does. What a cunt.

Alt: What am I, The Daily Star? "PROMINENT CELEB DOES A BIT OF CHARLIE SHOCKER!!! IN OTHER NEWS WATER IS WET!!" I heard Una Stubbs was born with a cat's minge or something.

Alt alt: I don't think we should be encouraging that kind of thing. Might be seen as 'a bit mean'.
(Xav loves PhillieJoe, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 8:44, Reply)

Alright Xavier The Unhappy Bear

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 8:48, Reply)

Morning Frogpus
I'm going to finish work at 12:30 today then have a nice big fry up. Then I'll be happy.
(Xav loves PhillieJoe, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 8:51, Reply)

Seems a bit unfair when I'm here until 5.
Why are you such a wanker?
( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 8:52, Reply)

Practice

(Xav loves PhillieJoe, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 8:53, Reply)

Obviously doesn't make perfect in your case :)

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 8:57, Reply)

Meetings and chasing people up for stuff before year end cut off on Friday.
Alt: Bruno Brooks tried to give me a Werthers original on a flight to Egypt. And finger my bum bum.

Altalt: Death by a thousand pints.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 8:45, Reply)

+ of cum

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 8:59, Reply)

IT'S CHRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSSTMAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Last day today, innit.

Alt: Have you not learned your lesson following McAlpinegate?

Altalt: I'm rather enjoying the method of slow suicide he is currently employing, like a boozy foie gras goose.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 8:47, Reply)

I have the office to myself, lucky me
Alt. Its not slander if I write it, but I have photographic evidence that Susanna Reid off the news has done sex with a horse.

Alt Alt. I may be in the minority here but I don't want Battered to kill himself. At least not until its time.
( Peej, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 8:49, Reply)

I'm not sure that one person alone is enough to count as a "minority"

( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 8:52, Reply)

In fairness I don't really care if he lives or dies.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 8:53, Reply)

I feel the same about you, apart from the fact I really want you to die.
Soon.
( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 8:58, Reply)

I will xx

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 8:58, Reply)

I finally feel a bit Christmassy!

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 8:59, Reply)

Ashally if there's nobody else
he's a majority.
( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Wed 18 Dec 2013, 8:58, Reply)

i think the rest of us would all prefer battered to die in a highly amusing way
not as much as we'd like dozer to get a septic bumhole from his hamster's claws and ooze himself to death, however.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 9:11, Reply)

Only if Grace is okay and rehoused with a loving caring owner that doesn't abuse her.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 9:12, Reply)

it's a shit encrusted shit rodent
flush it down the loo
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 9:14, Reply)

I'll rehouse you with a loving, caring owner that doesn't abuse you
in a minute.
( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Wed 18 Dec 2013, 9:14, Reply)

the rspca?

( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 9:17, Reply)

My shed.

( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Wed 18 Dec 2013, 9:19, Reply)

care instructions:
must be fed beer and gay e-cigarettes at regular intervals

requires regular washing and application of designer jumpers

will complain about the washing of said designer jumpers
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 9:22, Reply)

Nobody designs jumpers.
Old crones with runny noses knit them.
( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Wed 18 Dec 2013, 9:26, Reply)

clickin dis

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 9:16, Reply)

Completing tender submissions for capital equipment to go into universities
Waste of frickin' time as they've almost all fucked off on their holidays so there's no need for a hard-line cutoff date. Even if they haven't, there will be no decisions until waaaay in the new year, even then there will still be reams of paperwork to do/questions to answer. Anything they do, they do glacially slowly.

Alt: D***d C*****N allegedly buggers chimps to death every Friday as a 'treat'. He videos it too.

Altalt: Dress as a chimp and wait around outside No** D*****g S****t
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 8:53, Reply)

Needs more clues

( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Wed 18 Dec 2013, 9:00, Reply)

Altalt:
I like that Chris Morris Jam sketch about the guy writing the newspaper column who's going to commit suicide.

I think he does it by tying a long length of rope to a lamp-post and then 'round his neck, and speeding off in a convertible with the roof down. Sound well lolwaki
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 9:03, Reply)

I think it's a Jam sketch where a guy kills himself by throwing himself off the first floor over and over in case he changes his mind.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 9:04, Reply)

Hahahahaha
I do like Jam, although I didn't realise they'd televised it as well. The tv version is WELL trippy. Proper K-Hole stuff.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 9:07, Reply)

The other one that sticks in my mind is the one with the TV full of lizards. Really obscure stuff, great though.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 9:09, Reply)

I used to like Dom Jolley beating up people dressed as fluffy animals.

( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Wed 18 Dec 2013, 9:16, Reply)

I didn't really get Dom Jolley beyond his one 'phone joke.
He seems like quite a nice, sensible chap in interview, though.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 9:20, Reply)

Pretty fearless crusader/interviewer also.

( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Wed 18 Dec 2013, 9:27, Reply)

Oh god yes.
"What's your manager's name?!"

"Mr Lizard ... pfffft ... hahahahahaha!"
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 9:19, Reply)

are you two sharing a crack pipe this morning?

( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 9:21, Reply)

No, we have merely watched the same television programme.
You know, like you and all your middle aged cronies have watched 'Friends'
( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 9:33, Reply)

I like the one when Ross gets angry about a sandwich

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 9:35, Reply)

I have watched very little of this 'comedy' series, and proud of it.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 9:37, Reply)

No. We're just having an "on-line conversation".
It's what some people do instead of gossiping about shoes.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 9:34, Reply)

Oh man Kurt Gieger have a half price sale on
Many, many lovely shoes
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 9:36, Reply)

Someone just gave me tin of celebrations as a gift
And they've taken the topics out. MOTHER FUCKING FUCKERS! I'm going to Mars headquarters and I'm going to blow it sky high!
( Peej, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 9:09, Reply)

Help them to learn songs of joy instead of burn baby burn

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 9:10, Reply)

The normal Topic bars are fucking tiny now, they should just chuck a few of them in.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 9:10, Reply)

Topics are shit

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 9:12, Reply)

+ Off

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 9:13, Reply)

didn't they replace them with twixes?
come on man, this is a GOOD THING.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 9:11, Reply)

fuck off you fat psycho cunt.

( Peej, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 9:12, Reply)

oh man, why ARE women such bitches?

( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 9:14, Reply)

They are bloody cunts, no doubt

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 9:23, Reply)

i'm not
i'm lovely, as well you know.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 9:27, Reply)

I agree. The mini Maltesers are the best though
But how come there aren't any Miniature Heroes tubs out this year?
(Xav loves PhillieJoe, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 9:28, Reply)

like this?
www.cadburygiftsdirect.co.uk/products/455-cadbury-heroes-tub-780g.aspx
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 9:29, Reply)

Wfh then a meeting with a famous chocolatier
Alt: I heard Peter Duncan used to sky dive into children

Altalt: he should be skinned alive and turned into a tote bag
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 9:25, Reply)

who would want to put anything in that bag?

( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 9:27, Reply)

Gonz might need an emergency bog

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 9:27, Reply)

poor gonz, he's been sick

( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 9:30, Reply)

Is that why he ain't here much?
I get the feeling that it sucks to be him
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 9:31, Reply)

yep i think so :(

( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 9:48, Reply)

At least he has christmas to look forward to...

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 9:56, Reply)

hahaha

( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 9:56, Reply)

Willy Wonka?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 9:27, Reply)

it's funny because supermarkets do actually sell willy wonka chocolate bars now
although maybe not in your collective co-operative bartering store?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 9:28, Reply)

Poundland have them

(Xav loves PhillieJoe, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 9:29, Reply)

do poundland knit their own hemp?

( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 9:30, Reply)

We have carob which is a more than adequate substitute.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 9:29, Reply)

jordans used to do a nice carob and orange crunch bar
but other than that, fuck carob
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 9:30, Reply)

Wtf is carob?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 9:31, Reply)

cab carobway

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 9:35, Reply)

What's that then?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 9:36, Reply)

Carobs are a seed
Cab Calloway was a jazz singer
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 9:47, Reply)

*mooches*

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 9:52, Reply)

Hee hee
+ dee-hee-dee-hee-dee-hee
(Xav loves PhillieJoe, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 9:53, Reply)

fake chocolate
eaten by yurt pricks and health weirdos
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 9:48, Reply)

Nestlé make them, they are shit

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 9:30, Reply)

Nestle only ever work with spastics and mongs.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 9:46, Reply)

Nah soz

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 9:29, Reply)

The pub, possibly a haircut and our office Christmas Do tonight
Alt:
Sophie Ellis Bextor puts her make-up on with a HAMMER

AltAlt:
I think Mr Battered is starting to chill out a bit now
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 9:33, Reply)

I met her mum a couple of weeks ago at the playground

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 9:35, Reply)

FUCKING HARLOT

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 9:35, Reply)

Essex?

( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Wed 18 Dec 2013, 9:50, Reply)

Its the only way

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 9:51, Reply)

Sophie Ellis-Bextor would get it

( Kroney, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 9:50, Reply)

She is very odd
Sexy, but in a mental way. Her tattoo is shit though
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 9:51, Reply)

Not seen it, I'm afraid
We're not that close
( Kroney, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 9:52, Reply)

I was about to agree with you about her, but I'm always a little put off when I find out if they've got tattoos

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 9:54, Reply)

It looks like Popeye should own it

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 9:54, Reply)

She's probably got CCJs and hepatitis

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 9:55, Reply)

Worth it

( Kroney, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 9:56, Reply)

Lol-real

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 10:00, Reply)

I thought you'd be up for a little Merde On The Dance Floor

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 9:54, Reply)

Rubyportscat

( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Wed 18 Dec 2013, 9:57, Reply)

scad-li-poop

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 9:59, Reply)

ALtalt - alcoholic liver disease innit.
It makes you dopier, so he's all sleepy and stuff.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 10:02, Reply)

We used to have a right laugh on here.
Now it's all about hand washing jumpers.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 9:55, Reply)

and surprise buttsex

( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 9:56, Reply)

You've got buttsex etc.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 9:58, Reply)

NO BUTTSEX

( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 10:04, Reply)

and people dressed as squirrels beating each other up

( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Wed 18 Dec 2013, 9:59, Reply)

I blame Dom Joly.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 10:01, Reply)

Start a HSH thread, Stunned
Y'know, like the good old days
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 9:58, Reply)

Done.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 10:07, Reply)

Oh man I hate it when that happens

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 9:59, Reply)

I worked till 7 yesterday to get some changes into our overnight code build
Came in this morning to find it all works. Well, all the automated tests are falling over but that's somebody else's problem. So today holds light bugfixing and browsing the internet.

Also have managed to work out that another thing people are yelling about is not my fault either, my bit worked fine but they ran the second part before the first part despite it being spelled out in big letters. *belms*
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 10:13, Reply)

Cool story bro
Even better that it's in the wrong thread
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 10:18, Reply)

Fuck off is it
that's what my day holds.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 10:44, Reply)