HSH


No Berts allowed
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 9:10, 186 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Yay! No Berts allowed.
*joins*
( girlinthehole, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 9:11, Reply)

Gooooooood Morning BGB
Did you decide what you were going to do with your hair?
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 9:13, Reply)

/grins
Bert will love this.

Hello lovely ladies :)
(Poppet some assembly required., Thu 26 Feb 2009, 9:13, Reply)

Scary moment
I read that as No Flirts Allowed.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 9:15, Reply)

@TGB
Yup! I'm going to leave it as it is for now. Having had very short hair for a very very long time I had forgotten how wavy it is.

Hi VC - *tickles under chin*
( girlinthehole, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 9:16, Reply)

Just watching an advert for the "Red Cross".....
....it's really tragic. Humans living in poverty, squalor and hit by disasters.

It's really putting me off my breakfast....
(The Stig, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 9:17, Reply)

I have never had really short hair
what's it like?

edit : yay! hi BGB! why do you do that? is it cos I'm the baby here most of the time?
(Poppet some assembly required., Thu 26 Feb 2009, 9:18, Reply)

@VC
It's great because it's one less thing to worry about when you're getting ready in the morning.
( girlinthehole, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 9:20, Reply)

I keep getting my hair
shorter and shorter. It's awesome!

And Chains this is me we're talking about, I'd never outlaw flirting :)
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 9:20, Reply)

Morning all
Today at 10am we find out if we all still have jobs, this is not a good situation :(

And one of our suppliers delivered a load of sweets, crisps, drinks and stuff this morning, but they couldn't get into the warehouse because it was closed, so they left it sitting outside! We were going to eat it all and claim they had been stolen but we weren't allowed to by the management.
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 9:21, Reply)

but I never have to brush my hair
or do anything with it - it's just really curly!

EDIT: Dok - why is it bad if you all have your jobs? And I would have eaten it anyway. :(
(Poppet some assembly required., Thu 26 Feb 2009, 9:21, Reply)

That's the point Vampy
We don't know if we do.

I was all for eating it, it's not nice we could of all had a picnic in the park with crisps and fizzy pop.
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 9:25, Reply)

Yikes
Fingers crossed for you, Dok.
TGB: That's why it freaked me out - I thought you'd suffered a head injury. :-)
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 9:25, Reply)

Morning all!
Good luck Dok, let us know how you get on. I'd have definitely eaten the sweets or sold them, if they didn't get them signed for when they dropped!

How are we all today?
(Son of Sam-i-am We're all as mad as hatters here, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 9:35, Reply)

Jinkys!
Did I kill the thread ALREADY?
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 9:36, Reply)

No, I'm here....
Keep up, old boy!
(Son of Sam-i-am We're all as mad as hatters here, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 9:37, Reply)

Thanks guys
There's a school just down the road as well, could have made a fortune.
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 9:38, Reply)

gotta love
black market lollies.

They don't sell them in my school anymore.
(Poppet some assembly required., Thu 26 Feb 2009, 9:39, Reply)

Morning all
I have a sausage roll, it is warm and looks yummy.

Dok, I hope you keep your job, it'll suck rather much if you don't =[
( Captain V, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 9:43, Reply)

hello everyone
the weekend starts here *grins*

leans back in bed and laughs at all the poor wage monkeys working away
(Halfy By light alone, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 9:47, Reply)

Well
I'm going into the meeting see you all soon, hopefully.

*HUGS*

Thanks V.
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 9:49, Reply)

you're in an
exceptionally good mood today halfy :)

Bye Dok - come back soon!
(Poppet some assembly required., Thu 26 Feb 2009, 9:52, Reply)

Sucks to be Dok right now
:(
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 9:54, Reply)

How dare you exclude me?!
This is an outrage!

I'm going to write to my MP about this, you're all for it now. Cliqué-y bunch of holier-than-thou, Alpaca-touching, mutually-rimming cunts that you are.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 9:54, Reply)

Nothing like posting that the thread has died
To ensure that someone will have revived it by the time you hit Post.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 9:54, Reply)

vamps
yeah I certainly am, got a top weekend lined up of beer, dog sitting, beer and waffling away with good friends.

stratches in bed, ah, might get up soon har har har
(Halfy By light alone, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 9:56, Reply)

har har har
not a pun at all in that is there?
(Poppet some assembly required., Thu 26 Feb 2009, 10:00, Reply)

nope
gutter brain!

ooooh, must get my car tax sorted, its gone up by a whole £3, this is an Outrage
(Halfy By light alone, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 10:02, Reply)

It's not my fault
you lot have corrupted me in terrible ways.
(Poppet some assembly required., Thu 26 Feb 2009, 10:03, Reply)

Halfy
Outergay? Sounds sexy.

EDIT Damn you for correcting your own spelling, you phillistine.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 10:03, Reply)

hello bert
outergays are always dangerous, mount gays quite nice though

Vamp, you can't lame having a mind like 14 year old staring at boobs on B3ta.

hmm, considers last bit.

considers boobs

yeah ok, i see your point
(Halfy By light alone, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 10:04, Reply)

bertie
He had help :)

Just like you did.
(Poppet some assembly required., Thu 26 Feb 2009, 10:05, Reply)

If anyone fancies a giggle at the Greeks' expense....
....then, check out Jeremy Clarkson tearing them a new one!

Enjoy!

www.youtube.com/watch?v=q1a-6bomMAQ
(The Stig, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 10:07, Reply)

Eh?
Who helped me? I am a standalone guy, a lone rogue fighting for existence in a world that's out to get me.

Go on now go, walk out the door, don't turn around now, you're not welcome anymore,
do you think you can break me with goodbye? DO you think I'd crumble and die? Oh no, not I,

I will SURVIVE
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 10:07, Reply)

so then vamps
you into older women then? or is it the feeling of being mothered that does it for you

hahah stig, how young does he look in that?
(Halfy By light alone, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 10:07, Reply)

Bert
stop your bitching. You love it - you love all your help.

Halfy : it's not the mothering - it's the warm fuzzy ness that makes it good. :D
(Poppet some assembly required., Thu 26 Feb 2009, 10:12, Reply)

Halfy
Very young....still got the same stupid hairstyle, though!
(The Stig, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 10:14, Reply)

I'm not bitching
I'm seriously confused. What are you talking about?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 10:15, Reply)

bert darling
your mum.
(Poppet some assembly required., Thu 26 Feb 2009, 10:16, Reply)

My Mum has offered me no help whatsoever
you're just confusing me even more.

She does look like a ginger version of Mary Doll from Rab C Nesbitt though. True.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 10:17, Reply)

bert
confusing you is just part of the whole song and dance that is my life.

I just do it cos I can. Man the fuck up. Love, your favourite antipodean vampyrecat.
(Poppet some assembly required., Thu 26 Feb 2009, 10:22, Reply)

TITS or GTFO
I'm so manly that even Lord Mannington of 103, Studley Avenue, Manville, Heteroland envies me.

You are my favourite vampyrecat, it has to be said.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 10:24, Reply)

Bert how did you get in here?
*points at sign*

Ooh it's gone 10 where's Dok with his news *crosses fingers*

Hey Sam! And anyone else who appeared.. Halfy I see! You dirty old man how the devil are you?
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 10:30, Reply)

I did my bit for charity last night
Drank a bottle of Red Nose Red. Very nice. Then had a couple of cans of Tesco Value Bitter. 2.1% by volume!
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 10:36, Reply)

Light
Is that like normal bitter, only more homosexual?

Edit: damn your ninja skillz
(Bert Monkeysex2 loves teh cock, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 10:39, Reply)

hellol badger
im good thanks, when do i get my striptease?
(Halfy By light alone, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 10:45, Reply)

LiC
2.1%? hardly worth the effort surely? might as well drink water
(Halfy By light alone, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 10:46, Reply)

Lic
what kind of red was it?
Shiraz? Pinot? cab merlot?
(Poppet some assembly required., Thu 26 Feb 2009, 10:50, Reply)

Morning everyone!
How are we all this fine morning?
(bill, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 10:53, Reply)

Erm
I can schedule you in for 2018 Halfy? How's June looking for you?
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 10:53, Reply)

badger
sorry, I think im taken then, unless you don't mind an audience?
(Halfy By light alone, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 10:55, Reply)

Tesco Value bitter is grim
We bought some for a mate of mine (serious beer nerd) as a laugh when we were touring a year or so ago.

Nobody wanted to drink it so we left the cans in a basket outside the stall with a sign saying 'help yourself'. They lasted two days without being touched! I suppose Big Chill is a pretty poncy festival though...

Hi badger & bill! Anyone making tea? I'm parched.
(Son of Sam-i-am We're all as mad as hatters here, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 10:55, Reply)

hands a mug of tea to Sam
there you go.

Tea is liquid of the gods.


/grins, sits back and waits for bert and everyone else to make yucky jokes
(Poppet some assembly required., Thu 26 Feb 2009, 10:57, Reply)

It's a Shiraz Pinotage
The Tesco Value Bitter is quite nice plus it means I don't get any drunker at the end of an evening.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 10:59, Reply)

Cheers VC
I run on tea, very bad things happen if I don't drink any.

Edit: depends on your definition of 'quite nice' Light! I thought it was horrible, plus I don't really see the point in drinking something that's 2.1% alcohol.

Maybe I'll change my mind when I'm old like you though :P
(Son of Sam-i-am We're all as mad as hatters here, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 10:59, Reply)

Bill doesn't drink tea
because he's a loser.

Can I have a cup though please? :D
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 10:59, Reply)

sure
/makes a round and passes everyone a mug of steaming jizztea.
(Poppet some assembly required., Thu 26 Feb 2009, 11:00, Reply)

bill doesn't drink tea?
Bloody hell, I thought he was alright and all. Some people... *shakes head disapprovingly*
(Son of Sam-i-am We're all as mad as hatters here, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 11:00, Reply)

You and your strange tea drinking ways!
*Pours four double espressos into one big cup*

*Drinks with red bull chaser*

Aaaahhhhh!
(bill, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 11:03, Reply)

He'll try and tell
you that he does but he means long island iced tea and I have told him that really doesn't count :p
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 11:03, Reply)

holds up hand
looks embarrassed, could I have a herbal tea please?
(Halfy By light alone, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 11:04, Reply)

Hey it's got tea in the name
therefore it counts!
(bill, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 11:04, Reply)

Bill is dead to me now
Doesn't like tea? Crazy talk.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 11:05, Reply)

sure
what kind?
I have jasmine pearl, mint, pekoe, rooibos etc etc.
(Poppet some assembly required., Thu 26 Feb 2009, 11:06, Reply)

mint please
pearl is too salty
(Halfy By light alone, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 11:07, Reply)

No it doesn't!!
I'll make you like tea yet!!
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 11:09, Reply)

jasmine pearl is not salty
it's lovely. But okay.

/makes mint tea for halfy.

there you go...
/acts nonchalant
(Poppet some assembly required., Thu 26 Feb 2009, 11:12, Reply)

slurps
ow hot!

fankoo he says around burnt tongue
(Halfy By light alone, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 11:14, Reply)

Fuck it this is shit!
It's a case of rats being kicked off the sinking ship!

They are 'disestablishing' every job other than the management, they're creating a new one of those!

The PA is being moved into another role in the same division. that leaves four of us. They're creating three new posts one on the same money, one on more money, and a file monkey on a shit wage. One of us may be moved to another department.

I now feel like shit, I've been in post here now for twelve years, this does not apparently count for anything!

I may not have a job for any length of time after my birthday.
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 11:15, Reply)

I drink coffee as well bill
But I do like a lovely cup of tea. I am even wearing a t shirt that says 'Make us a brew!'

*pedantry alert*

Mint and fruit teas (presuming you mean just mint rather than black tea with mint mixed in) are not tea, they are tisanes!

Edit: sounds rubbish Dok....
(Son of Sam-i-am We're all as mad as hatters here, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 11:16, Reply)

That's Shit Dok!
*Hugs*
(bill, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 11:17, Reply)

DOK!
Noes!

lets formulate a plan of vicious attack!

Lets kill the bastards slowly.

First we'll do the whole cut off their hands feet, cut out their eyes, tongue and nose so that all they can do is listen to the cries of horror through their ears.

And then we'll inject malaria/ebola into them.
(Poppet some assembly required., Thu 26 Feb 2009, 11:17, Reply)

*hugs Dok*
that is shit. Would you like some tea?
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 11:17, Reply)

ooh get you sammy
ok, is an infusion acceptable?

/admits to drinking twinings herbal infusions as trying to wean off my 10 cups of tea at work a day
(Halfy By light alone, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 11:18, Reply)

Thanks folks
Yes Badger I would love a cup of tea, very strong with two sugars please.

Vampy It won't make any difference, I may need an alibi though.
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 11:20, Reply)

dok
that sucks and blows in equal measure
(Halfy By light alone, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 11:20, Reply)

dok no you wouldn't
I'll do it and you can watch. I'm invisible. And not technically human being a vampyre/cat.
(Poppet some assembly required., Thu 26 Feb 2009, 11:22, Reply)

Infusion is also an acceptable term Halfy
*tries not to bore everyone to tears with irrelevant anecdotes about the tea industry*

Do you mean those fruit ones? My mum drinks those, smell really nice and just taste of hot water.

If I could reduce myself to 10 cups of tea a day I'd be laughing! Just brewing up about my 6th already...
(Son of Sam-i-am We're all as mad as hatters here, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 11:23, Reply)

I'm already bored to tears
I think someone has just gone to make me a cup of tea *glees*
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 11:27, Reply)

Dok
You're a shoo-in for the higher paid position, I reckon.

I just finished a mug of green tea with jasmine and am thinking about having a mug of green tea with superfruits.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 11:27, Reply)

@Dok
Sorry, to hear that. What makes you think that you won't have a job soon?

P.S. where do you work? Use a euphemism, if needs be.
(The Stig, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 11:28, Reply)

How can you use
a euphemism for where you work?

*ponders*
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 11:32, Reply)

A Shoo-in
for the file monkey maybe.

Stig I work in one of the top four universities in the UK.
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 11:33, Reply)

Hopefully
not in the English department Dok

BA BA BA BOOOOOOOOOM!
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 11:34, Reply)

@TGB
Let's say I work for "Unilever", I could then say "I work for 'one switch'".

Or, a little more directly, I work for "Natwest", I could then, say, "I work for a company which sounds like 'Not Best'"

I say "use a euphemism" because you never really know who's reading this.

Fairly simple, really....
(The Stig, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 11:38, Reply)

So it's one of
Oxford, Cambridge, Leeds or Warwick.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 11:40, Reply)

Are those the top four?!
Really?
(Son of Sam-i-am We're all as mad as hatters here, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 11:40, Reply)

loughborough?

(Halfy By light alone, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 11:42, Reply)

TLIC
I've narrowed it down to 2 possibilites.

But that's not the point.

It's just another person I know (sort of) with the sword of Damocles hanging over their job.

It's so depressing....
(The Stig, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 11:43, Reply)

I should have said research Universities
No it's not Badger, but if you saw some of the written stuff that get sent around here you'd have a fit, then think that I'm not that bad really.

It's UCL in fact.
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 11:43, Reply)

TGB
You need www.instantrimshot.com - there's one that gives you a laugh track too but I can't remember it off the top of my head.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 11:43, Reply)

Not really the correct use of euphemism Stig.
Dok, just remember what we talked about yesterday evening, OK?
( thealternativefact, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 11:44, Reply)

Sam-I-am
I picked Leeds because I went there and Warwick because it's local to me :-)
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 11:46, Reply)

@Clendrix
You're probably right, but it was the closest word I could think of and English isn't my first language!

I really ought to learn it better.....
(The Stig, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 11:47, Reply)

Drixy, Hi
Yes I am.

If it all goes tits up then I be doing that stuff.

I may even become happier in my life.
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 11:48, Reply)

That's what I thought Clendrix
How are you today?

Dok I don't really have anything useful to say at this present time. Please check back later for updated sympathy and advice *beep*
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 11:49, Reply)

Ah, UCL
Good uni, got a few mates that went there.

What's your first language Stig? Your English seems fairly good...
(Son of Sam-i-am We're all as mad as hatters here, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 11:49, Reply)

Badger
Fine ta! Some men are chopping down trees outside my building, so I am trapped inside. But it's fun to watch.

Dok, damn right. All is not lost.
( thealternativefact, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 11:51, Reply)

Maybe you could get a job
nearer your lady friend Dok *winks and makes suggestive comments*
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 11:52, Reply)

@Sam
Strictly speaking, it's French, but over the last 15 years that's been slowly reversing.
(The Stig, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 11:54, Reply)

ooo stig!
I've never learned french but I've always wanted to. I hear that french people appreciate it if you know a little of their language - any handy tips/sayings??
(Poppet some assembly required., Thu 26 Feb 2009, 11:57, Reply)

Clendrix, you have lumberjacks!
Maybe they'll have a diet coke break and take their shirts off to reveal their glistening washboard abs.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 12:01, Reply)

erm
J'nai parle pas le Francais

I tend to mumble that and try and look pretty in France. I am also aware I can't spell in French as well as English!

I can ask for stamps as well actually... and once I managed to order grilled mushrooms and a steak at a resturaunt. I was going for prawn cocktail and chicken but it was close enough.
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 12:03, Reply)

@VC
To be completely honest, in the age of the internet, you're better off look at babelfish, to learn any language.

Try this:

Pouvez vous parle a plus lentement, si vous plait?

Could you speak more slowly, please?

P.S. Brown sauce and baked beans. Who'd have thought, they worked so well together?
(The Stig, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 12:11, Reply)

aha thanks stiggy
:)

Sounds like one i'll be using often.
(Poppet some assembly required., Thu 26 Feb 2009, 12:12, Reply)

Yay!
You tried and got a better meal as a result!
(bill, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 12:13, Reply)

Just because you don't like prawns
You hate everything I love...
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 12:16, Reply)

No I don't!
Just a few things.
(bill, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 12:16, Reply)

bill
What's your opinion on Hitlercock then?
(Bert Monkeysex2 loves teh cock, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 12:18, Reply)

@Stig
For extra deliciousness add a little Branston Pickle to your baked beans. It's awesome.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 12:18, Reply)

@VC
I've just thought of another phrase which may help you:

Bonjour! Je m'appelle Vampyrecat et je ne parle Francais. Pouvez vous aidez moi, si vous plait?

Translation: Hello! My name is Vampyrecat and I do not speak french. Could you help me, please?
(The Stig, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 12:20, Reply)

aha
that will be used the most!
(Poppet some assembly required., Thu 26 Feb 2009, 12:26, Reply)

Yes I may just do that Badger
Right I've calmed down a bit now.

French I don't like the language, it soud horrid.
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 12:28, Reply)

God I'm starving
Time for lunch methinks. I'd kill for a scotch egg about now.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 12:33, Reply)

Dok - what?
French sounds lovely.

Your brain is addled with beer and Scottishness.
( thealternativefact, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 12:34, Reply)

Drixy
It's just me I know a lot of people that like the French accent.
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 12:45, Reply)

It depends
who's talking French. Ooh ooh french firemen!
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 12:53, Reply)

rightio folks
I'm off to bed.
(Poppet some assembly required., Thu 26 Feb 2009, 12:58, Reply)

Oh Badger
There you go again with the firemen. Anybody would think that you are obsessed with them.

EDIT Night Vampy
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 12:58, Reply)

Dok
Impressive.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 13:29, Reply)

Chains
Yes the hat is impressive
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 13:31, Reply)

Have you got yourself
the robe to go with it yet Dok?
(bill, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 13:33, Reply)

Afternoon
this week's qotw reminds me just why I have vowed to never share a home with ANYONE other than my cat ever again.
Over the years various housemates have thrown things at me, stolen from me, climbed into my bed whilst suffering from a fever, burst into my room naked and shouting, shagged men on MY sofa, brought strangers back to take drugs, vomited everywhere, and bled everywhere.
Whereas the cat has only ever violently attacked me, vomited on the tv, and shat in the bath.
No contest. I'd rather die alone than share.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 13:46, Reply)

Hey hey
Hello all.
(Psyche finishes work at the end of June! Yay!!!, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 13:56, Reply)

Oooh French stuff.
Trop tard.

Putain.
(Psyche finishes work at the end of June! Yay!!!, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 13:58, Reply)

But, just for interest's sake
Je m'ennuie (I'm bored)

Je suis fatiguee (I'm tired - needs an accent on the first e in fatiguee)

J'ai mal a la tete (I've a headache - needs lots of accents)

Je ne t'aimes pas (I don't love you)

T'es un connard (you're an idiot)

Laisse-moi tranquille! Putain de merde! (Leave me alone for fuck's sake - well, leave me alone, whore of shit. One of my favourite profanities)


You should be able to guess that I'm not in the merriest of moods.

Feels like a week of mondays.
(Psyche finishes work at the end of June! Yay!!!, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 14:02, Reply)

Rant continued...
So, I've been turned down for a job that I was headhunted for - approached by the firm directly (not through an agency). I made the effort to go meet them and they've clearly decided that, well, whatever, I don't have the job.


My current job has turned from a fucking bed of roses to a pile of shit. All because of the interference from the boss's missus. Who is moving in soon enough.


And I'm annoyed with Mr Psyche. He lives 100 miles away, and we don't see each other often, but are going away tomorrow morning for a romantic weekend (not in the mood I'm in now), and so I asked him what he'd want for dinner tonight, to which he replied that he wasn't going to try to coe up for dinner because he'd stay in to have din dins with his sister before setting off.


And somehow, fr some unknown female reason, this has irked me just beyond the point at which I can pretend to be civilised.

Grrrrrr.


So I'm venting. Sorry. Know you'll be better listeners than the dog!
(Psyche finishes work at the end of June! Yay!!!, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 14:07, Reply)

Sounds rough Psyche
Remember the most important rule when dealing with guys: if there are two ways to take something I said, and one of those ways makes you sad or angry, I meant the other one.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 14:16, Reply)

well Psyche,
What kind of princess is his sister. If you live so far apart I think he should make the effort on this occasion. I very often side with the bloke at times like this, because i know girls can be demanding and not realise it.
Here, however, I can't see his point. At all.
tell him not to bother coming up and to have romance with his ugly sister instead.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 14:17, Reply)

*hugs Psyche*
*proffers chocolate*

Whilst we are ranting: I went to the O2 shop to put my phone in to be fixed as it didn't ring, which is useful on a phone. Fixing is free but it could take up to 28 days! And of course they didn't have any rental phones and even if they did they wanted £25!! I don't have any old phones as I give them to my parents when I'm done. So I asked what their cheapest PAYG phone was and it was 30 squid with free £10 top up. So now I am the proud owner of a Nokia 2630. It's actually not as bad as I thought it would be and it rings which is a bonus.

I am quite annoyed that after giving o2 over £2500 over the past 6 years they still wanted me to pay for a replacement phone *grumble grumble*
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 14:21, Reply)

Thank you thank you thank you
I feel much better now sympathy has been put my way instead of grief (which is now the norm).

And the choccy is well appreciated.

I shouldn't grumble too much about his sister coz she normally lives in liverpool - but she HAS been down at his place for, ooh, 3 weeks now, so it's not like he hasn't seen her in that time.

Grumble grumble grumble.

He doesn't mean it but it vexes me that after 3 years he will ALWAYS put his family before me, for the most trivial thing. I'm close to my family, but healthy close - I can spend a sunday away from them without moaning that I'll miss my mummy's roast dinner.

TGB - Orange are just as shit. I shan't start because I'll be likely to scream.
(Psyche finishes work at the end of June! Yay!!!, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 14:26, Reply)

Maybe I'll just go up with the dog.
He'd be just as appreciative of the food and nice walkies, and I'd have the bed to myself.
(Psyche finishes work at the end of June! Yay!!!, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 14:28, Reply)

(I've just eaten chocolate)
V good plan TGB!!

I already feel much more prepared to faced the world.

And don't anyone try to tell me that chocolate and yoghurt does not make a nutritious lunch!
(Psyche finishes work at the end of June! Yay!!!, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 14:43, Reply)

On tuesday
My lunch was a Big Mac and two slices of pizza, so chocolate is practically a salad in comparison.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 14:49, Reply)

I've just had a mars bar*
nom nom nom

Pysche would it make you feel better or resolve anything to call him and tell him you are slightly annoyed he would rather have dinner with his sister than you? If you're going away for a weekend probably not good to be harbouring ranties (as justified as they are).

*other chocolate bars are available
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 14:51, Reply)

Maccy Ds...
Now there's a thought for an afternoon snackette!! Altho am full after yoghurt and chocolate right now...

TGB - Praps I should give him the defence he would use - that, coming from London to oop North at any time before 6.30 will bizarrely make the arrival time at my house later than if leaving after 6.30. This is due to the time warping factors of the M25.

So I think he's leaving it til 7.30 to avoid the traffic.

Which is why I can't have a go at him for it.

And why I'm being perhaps a little overreactive.

But it still annoys me. More chocolate will perhaps lighten the mood!!
(Psyche finishes work at the end of June! Yay!!!, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 14:59, Reply)

more choc
Boss just walked in as I was eating from a large bowl of melted chocolate, clearly doing FA.

Says - that's not very good for you.

To which I replied - I know

Whilst taking another yummy spoonful.

Ha ha, he's jealous of me I know it!!
(Psyche finishes work at the end of June! Yay!!!, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 15:18, Reply)

Hell I'm jealous!
Hmm the M25 is evil.. maybe you could arrange to have pudding when he gets to yours! More chocolate yay!
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 15:22, Reply)

The M25 is evil indeed
I wish the government would tell all the environmentalists to fuck off and expand it to six lanes. It needs it.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 15:29, Reply)

Knock knock
Who's there?
What's got a stupid name, stupid pictures, and about a dozen cunts?
What's got a stupid name, stupid pictures, and about a dozen cunts, who?

Home Sweet Home thread, that's who, you ignorant fuck.

LOFFLEROL That's not even a proper punchline or anything and stuff!
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 15:31, Reply)

LOLOLOLOLO!!!!!!!111111
CUNT CUNT CUNT CUNT





CUNT









CUNTCUTNCUNTCUNTCUNT!!!!1111!!!!!!LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLRFOLFROFL!!!!!!!


I love you Bert.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 15:33, Reply)

I love you too al
Now, this isn't the place for our mutual bum-raping box socials, that's just not how things are done.

Let's retire to the ante room for a spot of brandy, while we leave the women here to wash and tidy up.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 15:36, Reply)

I tried to read your post
but this is so insufferably dull I fell asleep and had to stab myself in the right testicle in order to stay awake.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 15:37, Reply)

That's not very nice Mr Al
This is a place of fluff and merriment, where a man can look at another man who's looking at a girl typing '*jiggles*', and getting the three-way horn, without feeling unusual, upset or different from his fellow man in any way.

*hoists the flag*
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 15:39, Reply)

Hello day-thread people
I can haz iPhone. I iz not afraid to use.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 15:40, Reply)

Al
I have a cat that does that for me.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 15:41, Reply)

Iphone?
Is she the one with the norks from Troy?

TLC You're lying, what you've got is a five year old dressed as Top Cat.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 15:43, Reply)

I used to dress a five year old as top cat
but it died. And I threw it out after a few weeks as it started to smell.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 15:45, Reply)

LOLIVANCAMERON

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 15:48, Reply)

If my iPhone had norks
I'd be texting all the time.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 15:49, Reply)

Bert
I know you get the biggest horn when you see a *jiggles*

Although possibly only when men type it
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 15:53, Reply)

I'm feeling much happier
Thanks to chocolate and sympathy. And reading silly stories about flatmates that makes me feel positively honoured to only have to deal with pokeybumwanking (that for al).

So I'm going to go and clean my house now. Before the boyfriend comes up and realises I am rather untidy. Plenty of time for him to find that out when I move in in September!! Yay!!


So thankies, and hugs, and - since you seem to like them *jiggles* for all!
(Psyche finishes work at the end of June! Yay!!!, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 15:56, Reply)

To avoid me having to read someone
elses profile, can somebody let me know if Psyche is a girl or a big gayer*?

*as in a homosexual man not that big bloke who's screename was Gayer, he was a twat.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 16:01, Reply)

* jiggles iPhone *

( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 16:02, Reply)

I'm not quite gone yet
And I'm a girl. Otherwise I wouldn't be jiggling.

Well.... no, I suppose you could... but it wouldn't be the same.
(Psyche finishes work at the end of June! Yay!!!, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 16:02, Reply)

Psyche
is a sexy lady and not a gayer
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 16:02, Reply)

The clue
is in the sig. Old as it is as I have given up. He's a useless house slave.
(Psyche finishes work at the end of June! Yay!!!, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 16:03, Reply)

How do we
know that she's sexy? So far I've found most B3tan ladies terribly disappointing.

Ok, even I have to admit that's harsh, and untrue
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 16:03, Reply)

Why thank you TGB
You provide chocolate, hugs AND flattery...

I do believe you may be amazing.
(Psyche finishes work at the end of June! Yay!!!, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 16:04, Reply)

dammit
really am going this time. Boss is back.

Booo.
(Psyche finishes work at the end of June! Yay!!!, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 16:05, Reply)

The chocolate and hugs are
IMAGINARY.

The crotch grabbing at bashes is however, very real.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 16:05, Reply)

The motorboating is even realer
and more horn making.

My mrs just offered to take me out to dinner as we haven't seen each other for three days.

She's so lurvely.

Can we have pictorial evidence that psyche is a sexy lady please.

Bert I have found many b3ta ladies to be rather pleasing on the eye. Apartf from that one from leamington spa, I forget her name, but she was a bit of a biffa.


OH HAI TGB! HOW R U!??
(Bazongaloid, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 16:07, Reply)

Stormed off in a huff
By the looks of it.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 16:27, Reply)

haha
Takes more than Al and Bert to offend me! I had to go see accounts about some naughty non payers who want to go on one of our courses.

And yeah that TGB is a bit pudgy. When she jiggles all of her jiggles. Needs to stop scoffing those mars bars if you ask me
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 16:35, Reply)

I don't know
I like a woman to have something to hold on to.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 16:41, Reply)

Perhaps
if my iPhone ate more Marsbars, it's boobies would be more attention-grabbing when jiggled.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 16:42, Reply)

I know if I lost weight
though it would be all from my boobs then I'd be fat and flat chested. And then no one would be able to enjoy the TGB Motorboating experiance and they would all cry and kill themselves and I'd feel bad. So really... I should have another Mars bar...
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 16:44, Reply)

*wraps kingsize mars bar wrapper around cock*
Here you go, Teegee, have this one.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 16:50, Reply)

* unleashes iPhone near Bert's Marsbar wrapper *
Iphones have very sharp teeth! And no fingers.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 16:57, Reply)

*puts mars bar in mimsy*
Come have a nibble on this one TGB.
( wanderlust, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 16:57, Reply)

I'm going to have to go
with Lusty's offer
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 16:57, Reply)

!

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 16:58, Reply)

Hurrah!
I win.

and kill threads by the looks of things
( wanderlust, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 17:00, Reply)

Lusty always wins!

( thealternativefact, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 17:10, Reply)

And as the 5pm bell tolls...
the office workers close down b3ta and the threads go silent.

I just broke the shredder.

Which was good fun!
(Psyche finishes work at the end of June! Yay!!!, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 17:11, Reply)

Shredder?
You can't break Shredder, at best all you can do is get him involved in some fisticuffs with Leonardo, Donatello, Michaelangelo and Raphael, scare him off, and wait until he comes back next week, to once more try in vain to surface the dreaded Terrordrome.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 17:14, Reply)

I may go home now
I'm bored of work!
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 17:17, Reply)

Cowabunga
dude
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 17:17, Reply)

I didn't break the shredder after all.
You were RIGHT!

I didn't break it. I just overheated it with the sexiness of my jiggling.

Or perhaps it was more with the vast quantities of paper I was pushing through it...
(Psyche finishes work at the end of June! Yay!!!, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 17:19, Reply)

*does Krang voice*
Shre-DDER I told you to blast those infernal TURT-les while I stand around here in my fetching PANTSman suit
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 17:19, Reply)

Nighty night to all!
This time I'm switching the computer off!
My shredding is complete and now I must find something else to destroy. And put dinner on.
(Psyche finishes work at the end of June! Yay!!!, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 17:24, Reply)

bye psyche
I'm staying here longer to look like a dedicated employee.
Like her from Secretary.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 17:25, Reply)

holy fucking shit
I just read a top tip from the Stig suggesting that My Family (and it's ilk) is better than the Mighty Boosh....

.....!
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 17:28, Reply)

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahaaaaa

( thealternativefact, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 17:43, Reply)

@Vipros
Did I ruffle your feathers a little...? ;O)

Come on, though. Anyone who says "The Mighty Boosh is funny" is clearly lying, mad or stupid.

You have to be a total retard to suggest otherwise!

Now you want to talk about fine sitcoms? Try "Peep Show"......

Too flipping funny!
(The Stig, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 20:32, Reply)

Right then, time for a new one...

( jim_bob can herd cats., Thu 26 Feb 2009, 21:14, Reply)