Dozy gits!
Having mostly given up swearing at Christmas (inspired by The Stig - who'd have thought?) I've occasionally been at a loss to evoke my feelings with the right words.

So... share with us the insults and expletives you use when in polite company.

My current favourite: knackers!
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 13:50, 24 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

my Ma says,
"Fuckaduck" thinking she hasnt said "Fuck" and she spells out "S-H-1-T".
(bazmorningstar efil4nat3b, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 13:55, Reply)

Did you run out of expletives
after meeting him?
(Bazongaloid, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 13:57, Reply)

Clot
is used as a euphimimsy for cunt in our house. Like, "oh, you dozy cack-handed clot"
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 3 Mar 2009, 14:15, Reply)

Pouch
As in, "that was shit pouch"
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 14:22, Reply)

al
roffle!
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 14:26, Reply)

fockamocha
from our spanish chum in the4 corner

cunting fuckmonkeys or fucksocks from me
(Halfy By light alone, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 14:31, Reply)

Nollocks!
As in don't talk fucking nollocks vicar!
(Dangerous Disco Trev Isn't my real name, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 14:48, Reply)

By the Lord Harry!
And similarly archaic expressions like "damn yer eyes, sir" and "blackguard" (pronounced "blaggard").
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 15:10, Reply)

Flight of the Conchords...
...got myself and Mrs T calling each other 'mother-flippers'. Unfortunately the kids have picked up on this and started a fad at their school where it is now quite common to hear nippers shouting 'watch your motherflipping mouth' at pick up time.

(They are 7 and 4.)
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 15:10, Reply)

An oldie from Hanna-Barbera (I think)
Sylvester the cat - "Suffering sockatash!"
(bazmorningstar efil4nat3b, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 15:14, Reply)

My mother
Used to go for the "SSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH sugar"

In a last ditch attempt to turn SHHHIT into sugar. But I always knew the truth.

I like to call people "paps" which isn't too harsh really...
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 15:15, Reply)

flaps

( thealternativefact, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 15:21, Reply)

You forgot to put the *'s around that.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 15:25, Reply)

I always use bugger.
Not really rude enough to offend anyone but still retains a modicum of naughtiness to give it some meaning.
( girlinthehole, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 15:40, Reply)

Cunt
I don't care if I'm in polite company or not, sometimes it just has to be said.

You squid-vadging cunts.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 15:46, Reply)

Mrs G
called me a 'dimbo' the other week. I hadn't heard that since the seventies and refused to take offence! Quite nice though and not at all offensive. I tried a few others from our school days but fairly sure a couple would be likely to offend these days, e.g. spaz or mo-boy, though I do like Spazzock. One I want to try is to say: "No3l, you can be such a homo sapien sometimes."
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 16:00, Reply)

Che
I think that's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 16:10, Reply)

'Arsene Wenger'.
Has the benefit of not being sweary but similar to both 'arse' and 'wanker'.

(Which is rather befitting of Arsenal.)
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 16:26, Reply)

Damp and plaster it
was what my ex used to say, as did his dad before him.

My dad's wife used to say hells, bells and buckets of blood. I actually quite hope this is the end she meets.

I have become quite good at saying bother! when in polite company, but I have let out an accidental fucksocks at work :( Also, one time I said bother very emphatically while I was serving someone and he laughed and told me he was impressed with my self control when I obviously had a much stronger word in mind.

Poochunks* is an old favourite. One of my tiny playmates invented this word when we were in infants school and I have used it ever since.

EDIT: oh and on the forum that I used to run I ran amok with the swear filter. Fuck became feck, cunt became Scunthorpe, and shit was Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish! which got on people's nerves after a while.

*as was discussed the other day, when it was ventured that poochunks could be pooflake's dad. A chip off the old block, according to BK :(
( warmfuzzies Isn't here, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 18:55, Reply)

if you've given up swearing, don't swear.
saying 'knackers' or 'poo' or any other swear substitute is pointless.

try to express yourself clearly and concisely.
saying 'flip' instead of 'fuck' just makes you sound like a cunt.
( mictoboy shitting in your cunt since, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 23:29, Reply)

yay
yay
(knackerz is skinning up, Wed 4 Mar 2009, 1:06, Reply)

shhhh-ugar
manage to catch myself most of the time. worked in bars through college, and grew up in them (family trade) so curses like worst sailor.
( cackers, Wed 4 Mar 2009, 4:09, Reply)

The worst thing
my God-bothering mother in law will say if she smacks her thumb with a hammer is:

"FIZZING HECK'

but she manages to say it in such an evil, angry tone she would be less scary if she actually swore like a trooper.
(turtles head is touching cloth poked a dwarf on the forehead at, Wed 4 Mar 2009, 7:12, Reply)

Flying duck!

( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 23:38, Reply)