Lack of funnies warning
My beloved girlfriend of 5 years finished with me on Saturday. She asked me to give her space. So I did. She was unhappy and felt I wasn't giving her the affection and support. She's having a really difficult time with many things at the moment. She warned me a couple of weeks ago that unless things changed she would end it. I foolishly and selfishly didn't respond as I've had problems myself. I'm not the only guilty one, she hasn't been the same recently and it seems that the spark died over the last few weeks. We both still love each other to pieces and neither of us have eaten or properly slept since Saturday. But she said she loves me but has fallen out of love with me.

Last night I laid in bed crying (I havn't cried in many years). I got up and drove round the entire M25 at 2am. A 300 mile round trip from where I live. She came onto Facebook today and told me that things really were over, and that she wanted to be friends but not right now and she couldnt see me at the moment. She got really spiteful and told me to keep away from her family and her. She's the first girlfriend I've had thats lasted longer than a year. She is a really amazing girl and I am going to regret my selfishness for the rest of my life. I can't stop crying, I'm sinking into depression and feel absolutely helpless. All I want is for her to understand how much of a wake up call she's given me and that I would be completely selfless from now on. A changed man. What's worse is I was about to propose, it's something I've been thinking about for a while and I thought it may give her something to cheer her up. She wanted more commitment which I avoided for some time until I was ready. We are both completely devasted (my parents are good friends with hers and our mothers have been speaking nightly). I don't know how I can carry on for now. I'm stuck in the house with a broken ankle and keep mulling over the 'what ifs' in my head. It's torture that I've driven away a girl who I really wanted to be with for the rest of my life.

Please let that be a lesson to you all - for those of you with other halves, just look them in the eye and tell them how much they mean to you. Be selfless. Give them a card now and then. Any romantic gesture. Make time for one another, even if you're busy.

It's too late for us but if this tale saves anyone else from the heartache that we are both experiencing, the last 5 years of my life won't have been a waste.

Apologies for lack of funnies.

Length? Nearly 5 years and a lifetime of regret and guilt.
(Sir General ***WoW***, Wed 27 May 2009, 18:33, 21 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

You have my sympathies
It's always the worst when something longer finishes. From reading it seems that both of you had changed, and you just wern't right for each other any more. Don't blame yourself for it - it is, sadly, one of those things that just happens. Don't blame her either, she is just as upset as you and will more than likely regret what she said to you today.

There will be someone else out there for you. You've learnt the lessons, and now you can remember and act on them for the next time. Take some time to look after yourself.
(Potty Jag har smör i min rumpspringa, Wed 27 May 2009, 18:44, Reply)

Thanks.
It means a lot that you don't think I'm a complete cunt. Thats the way I feel at the moment and I'm mentally beating myself black and blue. I just hope that whoever next comes along is half as good to me as Andrea was. That would make me the luckiest man alive.
(Sir General ***WoW***, Wed 27 May 2009, 18:48, Reply)

Sorry man,
life's a cunt.

You positive it's over? There no chance of anything happening even a few months/years down the line?

If you're feeling like you are, and still have the wherewithall to warn others and give advice then you're obviously a very selfless person, as opposed to those (myself included) who would just mope and tell people they don't know what you're going through.

Feel better bud


(and man the fuck up, before anyone else says it!)
(TheColonel, Wed 27 May 2009, 18:55, Reply)

All I can say...
...is thank fuck Al isn't around at the moment.

Been where you are, and came out the other side. This is gonna be shit for a while, but you said it yourself, you both changed.

Grab your best mate, and hit the pub - it's part of the process.

Oh, and the 'make time' thing is good advice. Been with my Wife for 11 years, and you'd think it was 11 minutes by the times we tell each other how we feel about each other. Her Nana used to ask her 'Have you met anyone you love more than you love yourself?' We're lucky the answer is 'yes', you'll find the person that makes you say 'yes' to that question when you least expect to meet her...
(Apathyman Prepare to be underwhelmed..., Wed 27 May 2009, 19:03, Reply)

Sorry to hear that, buddy
I know its early days, but things really do get better in time.

Just a tip: don't get shit faced for a while. Its a bad idea. Believe me.

Cheers
( SpankyHanky, Wed 27 May 2009, 19:16, Reply)

I agree, getting shit-faced now will make it much worse. Wait until you can really laugh about it (that will happen eventually)
Also, don't hold your hopes up that she will change her mind if you act differently. What's done is done and you will probably be a lot better off dealing with your loss than hoping things will change.

Hang in there, as BGB said, it does get better although it may not seem so right now. (I think a lot of us have been through this. For myself, after a period of being depressed I realized that I was actually better off and haven't looked back since.)

(Hope you don't mind advice from someone you don't know at all).
(MichaelS wasn't picked again, Wed 27 May 2009, 20:05, Reply)

I'm very sorry to hear this.
I could reel of platitudes but they won't help. Just remember that no matter how shit you feel right now....IT WILL GET BETTER EVENTUALLY. Just hold on and ride it out.
( girlinthehole, Wed 27 May 2009, 19:26, Reply)

Noo, don't ever
think that deciding to be (and promising to be) selfless is an answer to anything... It just creates an unrealistic expectation which puts the relationship under more pressure.
In a way, you could both be lucky that you have reached this conclusion without drawing out a destructive situation to the point of you both hating each other instead of still loving each other. It may not feel like that now though...

I understand the pain that makes us believe it could work though... what ifs are absolute torture.

You may not feel like there's been any proper closure, and there may be things you wish you'd said and done, or still could say or do... But that's one of the aspects of breakups you eventually have to accept - the messiness of it all. The unfairness, the missed opportunities, the hurt that can't be fixed, the loose ends that will never be tied up... letting go of "happy ever after".

But it will all pass. Honestly.

*internet hugs n stuff*
( warmfuzzies Isn't here, Wed 27 May 2009, 19:27, Reply)

This
Couldn't have put it better myself.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 28 May 2009, 7:14, Reply)

very well put
there's no point forcing a change to make things work
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 28 May 2009, 8:49, Reply)

Thank you so much
for all your kind responses everyone. I knew I could rely on fellow b3tans for support, even though I don't personally know any of you.
I really hope this passes, it is the most agonising thing I've ever experienced ;-(
(Sir General ***WoW***, Wed 27 May 2009, 19:32, Reply)

Sir General
You have my sympathies and my commiserations. The ability to say nasty things and to feel hurt and betrayed will live on for a long time but if you need to talk - we (the b3tan crew) are here and we'll always have a waterproof shoulder.
(Eds Meds Mathskillz=1,Socialskillz=0, Wed 27 May 2009, 20:39, Reply)

*looks at watch*
*waits for someone from /talk to appear and say something stupid or crass*
( girlinthehole, Wed 27 May 2009, 21:09, Reply)

Yes, life is shit right now
but, as others have already said, you won't always feel the way you do today.
Some days you'll feel worse and some you'll feel better - that's just the way it is. Eventually the better days will outnumber the bad days.

Remember that *nothing* lasts for ever - not the good stuff and not the bad.

Remember that you've got friends - B3ta and RL.

Remember if the downs get really bad there's no shame in seeing your GP for support too.

Let yourself grieve and give yourself some time.

Plenty of us have been there at some time in the past and we've come out of it to go on and find something better in time.

Good luck.

Feel free to gaz me if you want to vent at some point.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Wed 27 May 2009, 21:15, Reply)

ahhhh christ man.
I'm sorry this happened to you. I'm sorry she was so spiteful and hurtful when it probably would have just made everything easier if she'd stayed calm. It sounds like maybe even though you were totally in love with her a few years ago that she simply didn't feel the same way anymore.

I don't know you but I feel bad for you.
Let your friends and family support you - there's no shame with asking for help if you can't deal with it.
Likewise, feel free to gaz me or someone else if you need to vent - sometimes just getting how you feel out there can really help.

Have some internet fluff and support.
*fluffs*
*props up*
*massive squeezy hugs*
(Poppet some assembly required., Wed 27 May 2009, 22:06, Reply)

* massive hugs *
"All I want is for her to understand how much of a wake up call she's given me and that I would be completely selfless from now on."

She said that even though she still wants to be friends, she wants to have some time apart. Now is not the time to say what you wanted to say. So don't try and package all "those things I should have said but didn't" into a big apology and hurl it towards her.

The best thing is to ignore her until she feels like making the move to you. At the end of it, you'll have a good friendship and all the time to say those things you should have asid (if you still feel like saying them then). Who knows, there's a the possibility she may realise that she misses you in the time apart, and the even tinier possibility that the relationship may be re-started (but don't have any expectations).

Anyway, I suggest you chalk this one up as a learning-experience. Life is full of them - you never get to a point when you stop learning things. But at least you'll die a genius at the end.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Wed 27 May 2009, 22:49, Reply)

Fuck, this rings so many bells with me.
I could have prevented what happened if I hadn't been such a colossal twat. That's not relevant now, though. What is relevant is you taking some time out to give her space; let her come back to you and then will be the time to say the things you need to say. You've got friends here and offline and you can always gaz me for support if you want. You're in no way alone sweetie *hugs*
( Maladicta, Wed 27 May 2009, 23:12, Reply)

Life can be shit...
...and has a nasty habit of kicking you in the teeth once in a while. Try not to dwell on the ifs and buts too much (you will, but try not to too much) Things are the way they are and you can't change that now.

Remember that your allowed to be upset, angry, confused etc - its totally natural and its part of grieving for a loss.

Give it time. Don't bottle it up. Don't try and blot it out.

Things might be shit now, but life will get better, and probably sooner than you think.
( TheMattInAHat has a particular... odour..., Wed 27 May 2009, 23:12, Reply)

Really sorry to hear that.
The only words of comfort I can offer are: if you can't live without each other, this will be a wake-up call and she will come back. To maximise your chance of this happening, avoid initiating contact for several weeks and then don't ask her back, just tell her you love her. If she can't live without you - she'll come back.

If she can live without you - then at least this way you know, before you've gone down the marriage route and so forth. Not much comfort now I'm sure - but better you find this out now rather than later, after kids and so forth.

But it sounds to me like given a bit of time and space, you guys might yet work it out. I really hope so - 5 good years - I assume they were good ones - shouldn't end due to a few weeks of difficulties.

All the best.
( I_Was_Mordred, Wed 27 May 2009, 23:49, Reply)

picture the scene
3.5 years ago I broke up with my cheating fiancee, I spent about 4-5 weeks miserable. After 5 weeks I realised that:
1) There's no way I want her back and I need to get over it.
2) My friends will only offer sympathy for so long.
3) I need to man the fuck up.

So I hit the gym (exercise is very good for when you feel down), and started going out socialising. 2 months later I went on a blind date and met my current wife. Things get better, but only if you want them to, some people enjoy the misery.
Give it a couple of months and then get out there and do the funky chicken.
(knackerz is skinning up, Thu 28 May 2009, 0:58, Reply)

Everything you need is here.

Two things.
Firstly (and only because the situation is vacant) Man the fuck up.
Secondly (and again, only because the situation is vacant) your Mother.
Finally – and on a more serious note – you have my sympathy, I was in a marriage for a number of years and we managed to both fall out of love, no act on it and then become spiteful and resentful with each other. What problems we didn’t address became ammunition, infidelity became an issue and we were so uncomfortable with each other you could cut the atmosphere with a knife.
The reality is, you’ll move on, meet someone new, fall in love and live happily every after, but, like death, it takes a while to get there. Get yourself on holiday with your mates or spend a couple of weekends on the lash in a different city.
Things like this allow you (both) to be the person/people you want to be, not the people you were when you got together, 5 years is a long time, but you’ll be fine.
In the words of Kim Appleby, ‘Don’t Worry’

Mullered
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 28 May 2009, 10:12, Reply)