The right way of doing things and the wrong way of doing things.
Sometimes, some things in life seem so simple that they're intuitively obvious. Yet, sometimes, some people manage to get them bewilderingly wrong. So tell us the wrong way of doing something, alongside the right way just to juxtapose the wrong-ness. Here are some examples.


Buying a condom

The right way

"Hello, I'd like to buy a condom for 50p please"

The wrong way

"Hello, I'd like to buy a tool of the devil for £40 please"


Getting on a train

The right way

When you see an open door on the side of the carriage, pass yourself through it.

The wrong way

Find someone standing inside the train near the door, say "Alright mate!" to them and watch with disappointment as the train then pulls out the station.


Using a toilet door

The right way

Push the toilet door open and walk through the doorway.

The wrong way

Rest your finger in the hinge space of the toilet door and wait for someone to crush it.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Fri 12 Jun 2009, 9:19, 15 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Condoms haven't been 50p for a while
and they normally come in packs of 3, 12 or 24.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 12 Jun 2009, 9:21, Reply)

Last time I went to Boots to buy some
They were on 3 for 2, but I didn't notice this and took two packs to the counter. The lovely sales girl looked slightly embarrassed as she told me I could go and get another packet for free.

So I wondered off back to the other side of the store as she stood there looking slightly uncomfortable.

I shouldn't have tried them on first really.



But in all seriousness, that's 12 free shags, which is pretty good I thought.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 12 Jun 2009, 9:24, Reply)

if you buy more than a pack of three at any one time
you don't get laid. FACT.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 12 Jun 2009, 9:37, Reply)

Already proved that one wrong i'm afraid.

Wanking with a condom on is the same as getting laid right?
(Bazongaloid, Fri 12 Jun 2009, 9:41, Reply)

Fact, especially if they're buy one get one free on a large pack
half of the pack will be gone in a few days, the other pack will languish for fucking ages.
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Fri 12 Jun 2009, 10:45, Reply)

I had a similar experience
Bought some condoms along with some last minute holiday stuff with the ex. The queue for the till is immense, with only one server. Finally we get to be served, and as the woman scans the box of condoms she says, quite loudly, "Oh, you get free lube with these ones, didn't you pick it up?".

We smirk, but say we didn't. She then abandons her till to go pick us up some, leaving us with the now-held up queue of shoppers.

She looked dead chuffed when she came back with our free lube.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 12 Jun 2009, 9:39, Reply)

Brilliant!
At least there was no queue for me.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 12 Jun 2009, 9:41, Reply)

They do that for all dure products.
So you could pick up a cock-vibrator, lube and some condoms for like a £10.

Now if you go to Blockbusters, it'll cost you more than that to get a Robbing Williams film, a big tub of hagandaz and a box of klenex... it would cost a lot more.

I know what I would preffer, esspeicaly as you can always Sky+ the last month's worth of Hollyoaks.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 12 Jun 2009, 12:00, Reply)

Spakka
Have you done all of these the wrong way?

Or are you of a particularly surreal bent this morning?
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Fri 12 Jun 2009, 9:23, Reply)

FYI
I once had a dream in which Miles Kington wrote a column in the Independent called "How not to buy a condom".

When on the Central line one night, I saw someone on the platform try to start a conversation with me and when the door closed, he all of a sudden remembered he wanted to get on.

As for the toilet door incident, that was me * winces *
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Fri 12 Jun 2009, 9:41, Reply)

How to use your willy
The right way

"My willy does that pre-cum thing"

The wrong way

"My willy doesn't do that pre-cum thing"
( Captain V, Fri 12 Jun 2009, 9:44, Reply)

Oof!

(Slip Digby is a meat puppet, Fri 12 Jun 2009, 11:23, Reply)

How to get on a train
(or a tube, if the fucking things are ever running)

The Right Way
Wait for the doors to open, and allow any passengers alighting at the current station to disembark from the train, before politely shuffling into the space they have created alongside your fellow commuter.

The Wrong Way
Come to the conclusion that if you don't get on this train within four seconds of its coming to a standstill at the platform, it will whizz off again into the distance, leaving you behind, whilst those other commuters fortunate enough to be on said train laugh and mock you as the person that had an EPIC TRAIN EMBARKATION FAIL and the guard leans out the window making V-signs at your diminishing figure.

To prevent this SHAMEFUL EVENTUALITY, therefore, press your body up against the door of the train as it grinds to a halt, start punching the "Door Open" button impatiently and LAUNCH yourself into the growing aperture as the door eventually slides open. MUTTER expletives under your breath. IGNORE the needs of the other passengers who wish to get off the train. IGNORE the elderly couple who need a bit of time to climb the step into the carriage. IGNORE the people who have been stood in front of you and have been on that platform for twice as long as you. IGNORE EVERYONE'S NEEDS BUT YOUR OWN. JUST MAKE SURE YOU'RE ON THAT TRAIN. FUCK THEM ALL, YOUR DIGNITY DEPENDS ON THIS.
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 12 Jun 2009, 10:03, Reply)

Clickin' this.
It's a rage that no-one but Londoners can understand. If only these idiots would just fall on the tracks, out commute would be so much politer and less stressful.

And those 'Door Open' buttons... They haven't worked for years. Why do people think that their fingers have the magic touch that makes the buttons suddenly work. GOD I hate the tube.
(Slip Digby is a meat puppet, Fri 12 Jun 2009, 11:23, Reply)

Holy motherfucking christtttttttttt
THIS
( chart cat has an itch, Fri 12 Jun 2009, 19:15, Reply)