Ok...
So the thread below is asking for sensible suggestions of how to keep cats out of your garden.

Imagine you had a huge amount of money to develop an anti-cat garden.
What would you use?
Lasers? Robot-dogs? Pit-traps?

EDIT: Prize for the best idea.

EDIT 2: Gonz wins.
( Cawl, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 9:58, 64 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

I'd use a Kaol
shrugs
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 9:59, Reply)

Poor effort.
C'mon, the board is slow, I'm making an effort here!
You got that date tonight?
( Cawl, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 10:00, Reply)

That is making an effort
I know no other process that would put more thought and effort into despoiling a cat than a Kaol, or a whole army of Kaol's.
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 10:07, Reply)

This is a fair point.

( Cawl, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 10:10, Reply)

I reckon an acid-filled moat,
With a draw-bridge.

Would keep out religious-types too.
( Cawl, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 10:00, Reply)

As suggested in the other thread
Adapt this to target cats and Russian vampires.
( Captain V, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 10:01, Reply)

I'ld fill a garden with mongs and water pistols.
And I'ld give the mongyiest mong a t-shirt with a target on it's back.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 10:02, Reply)

Haha!
This is winning so far.
( Cawl, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 10:03, Reply)

Outside my mansion
I'd have a garden maze.

With a mini-Minotaur (whoa minimin!) lurking within
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 10:03, Reply)

I'd chain up a Rage infected zombie
like that bit in 28 Days Later.

In fact I might just do that.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 10:03, Reply)

How gutted would you have to be, to be a _zombie_ that's infected with Rage?
It would be a bit like getting aids AND cancer.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 10:11, Reply)

Pedanti-win

(Land of Green Ginger It's dreamy weather, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 10:16, Reply)

t'would suck indeed
unless you got cancer of the AIDS. or AIDS of the cancer.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 10:19, Reply)

Velcro for the lawn, with a small saturation of dog urine
It'd mean the cats would get their fluffeh stuck to it and have to struggle (not particularly hard - don't want a kicking from BeckyJohnSpencerBluesExplosion) to get free - they'd also run off and have to lick themselves clean thus ensuring that they wouldn't return.

Anything doing permanent harm to the kittehs = no no; personally, I don't particularly like cats but that doesn't mean I'd go out of my way to cause them harm!
(Eds Meds Mathskillz=1,Socialskillz=0, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 10:04, Reply)

We ever meet, you're getting a kicking anyway

( fuck shit up the best you never had, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 10:06, Reply)

RHINOCEROS
IN YOUR GARDEN.

That is all.
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 10:08, Reply)

Haha!
I like it!
Not as good as water-fight-mongs though.
( Cawl, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 10:09, Reply)

Ooh, a good alternative, sir!
A small platoon of Down's kids armed with super-soakers would drive anything out of your garden...
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 10:11, Reply)

Why not mount them on Rhinos
For ultimate hilarity.

Kaol, you're like a mong strapped to a Rhinoceros. I like the sound of that.
( Captain V, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 10:13, Reply)

A platoon of mongs on rhinos?
You'd need a fucking big garden...
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 10:14, Reply)

You'd get rid of the cats though

( Captain V, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 10:19, Reply)

Yup.
Can't argue with that.

Except then you'd have a garden stuffed with mongs on rhinos firing super-soakers at each other. Might be a bit tricky if you wanted to do any garden - but who cares? You've got mongs on rhinos to watch!
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 10:23, Reply)

raptors.

( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 10:09, Reply)

I would grow a chessboard of alternating squares of razorwire and catnip.

( WormuIus, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 10:09, Reply)

I suppose it depends what Herr K
actually meant by "anti-cat."

Did he mean to deter them, or brutally destroy them in a creative fashion?
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 10:10, Reply)

Either.
As long as it keeps your garden cat-free.
( Cawl, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 10:11, Reply)

*splits hairs*
But if you destroyed them, the garden would be littered with dead cats. And I hardly think that's strictly "cat-free," now, is it?
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 10:13, Reply)

Depends on your method.
If it burns them, no mess. YOU'VE GOT TO THINK BETTER!
( Cawl, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 10:16, Reply)

Hmmm....
Hmmm...

*thinks*

RHINOCEROS WITH FLAMETHROWER ATTACHMENT.
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 10:17, Reply)

The easiest way to deter cats from your garden is to build a moat
and have it accessible only by a remote control drawbridge.
( WormuIus, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 10:11, Reply)

Where do I go to collect my prize?

( WormuIus, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 10:11, Reply)

You don't get a prize.
That's a shit idea.
( Cawl, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 10:13, Reply)

I'd develop anti-catnip
It'd be like antimatter, but for catnip.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 10:12, Reply)

*sighs*
At $62.5 trillion per gram it'll be an expensive solution. Also (ignoring catnip being matter) having anti-catnip would be shit as it'd annihilate catnip, not cats. You need anti-cat-matter.
( Captain V, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 10:18, Reply)

Or a lot of snakes

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 10:20, Reply)

this reminds me of a conversation I had a very very long time ago
about peanuts being the opposite of cats.

time to test the theory.

*loads blunderbuss with peanuts*
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 10:20, Reply)

don't spoil my fun.
Again.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 10:24, Reply)

HAHA
She means you're shit in bed.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 10:25, Reply)

I know
It's true :(
( Captain V, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 10:26, Reply)

You should punch her in the face
Chicks dig that
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 10:29, Reply)

great,
more bruises.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 10:32, Reply)

Thanks for the tip
I'll go buy myself a knuckleduster at lunch.
( Captain V, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 10:32, Reply)

could you please not get blood on my freshly-laundered sheets?

( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 10:37, Reply)

Ahhh, romance isn't dead after all!
It's merely been bludgeoned into a coma and suffered daily sexual assault from hospital orderlies.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 10:44, Reply)

These :
www.youtube.com/watch?v=v5YftEAbmMQ

but programmed for cats and religious types.
( DarkSon a time and date will follow this username on, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 10:14, Reply)

I'd get 2 Live Crew to perform
You'll see they can be trusted when you see the pussy busted.

Tenuous, I know.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 10:17, Reply)

My garden would be made of lion.
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 10:20, Reply)

hmm, on second thoughts
I've just got a yard anyway, so why not see if you could make the surfaces as frictionless as possible? Then, everytime a cat jumped your fence, you could amuse yourelf by watching it skid into walls and scrabble around before it finally left... shouldn't take the neighbourhood cats long to work out not to jump into your garden.
( DarkSon a time and date will follow this username on, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 10:22, Reply)

I've just spent a week turning my garden into lawn and slate
making it frictionless wouldn't be the first thing I want to do
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 10:24, Reply)

Final Solution.
Boil some starfish. Feed cats resultant mush. It is a slow acting nerve poison so they die elsewhere. I am in no way advocating this but it is a known final solution.

Personally I would have a tracking\targetting device linked to servo-assisted watercannon. Filled with weak honey-water. Fun to watch and efficient.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Wed 24 Jun 2009, 10:25, Reply)

I would get the big hairy monster from the Bugs bunny cartoons to hug them and squeeze them
and call them George
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 10:26, Reply)

I wud snugglewuggle kitty b/c kittiez are smoochy wubbly lubbly lil hug-ballzywalziez.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 10:27, Reply)

if I had my choice
I'd create a mesh of incredibly thin and sharp wires so thin they are invisible to the naked eye, and when a cat jumps off my wall it will be cut into cubes ready to go into a stir fry.

something similar to one of the traps in Cube I reckon.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 10:27, Reply)

Cat-seeking robots
Adapting this: www.quantumpicture.com/Flo_Control/flo_control.htm

for the cat shape recognition and putting it in one of those walking robots the Japanese are so fond of.

When it spots one it opens its arms, says "Kitty!" and lumbers towards it. Cats naturally mistake its strange waddle as that of a mong and, not wanting to be hugged and petted and called George, will scarper.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 10:28, Reply)

I'ld tell Beckybsxygsomething that the cats totally dissed her cooking skillz.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 10:28, Reply)

They'd be right

( fuck shit up the best you never had, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 10:39, Reply)

I'd lolcaption them.
The shame would having them fleeing quicker than you could believe.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 10:34, Reply)

Unless they thought
there was genuine promise of a "Cheezburger."
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 10:36, Reply)

Winner:

( Cawl, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 10:37, Reply)

Yay !
** Adds to profile **
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 10:43, Reply)

Ha.
Slow day at work?
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 10:56, Reply)

Nope.
Super-fast photoshop skillz :p
( Cawl, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 10:59, Reply)

It shows :p

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 11:01, Reply)

Quick and nasty?
That's how I roll, baby.
( Cawl, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 11:01, Reply)