I have an infestation of squatters
in the building behind me. None of this is a euphemism so I've just saved you typing a pile of shit proclaiming it so.

I don't mind much about them occupying an empty shop. What I object to is that they access the squat via large metal gates at the side of my house. They've padlocked these with a big chain and padlock and every time they want to get in or out - which is frequently - they rattle the fucking chain and the gates and this is loud and annoying and wakes me up at 3am, especially as they like to talk when they are attempting to grasp the thing in their sweaty, clumsy, spakhanded paws.

Also, I can no longer wander round my kitchen naked since their squat overlooks my window.

And they are posh squatters with posh accents - the sort of people who drop out of their parents' comfortable middle-class lifestyle in order to slum it by putting dreadlocks in their hair (the women) and imitating Pete Doherty (the men - two of them are wearing trilbys). One of them is called Charlotte (I think it's one of the girls).

Do I:
a) padlock the gate shut with a giant fuck-off massive padlock, thus blocking their route of ingress?
b) phone the police and sound like a concerned neighbour?
c) ignore them and MTFU?
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 11:50, 46 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Start walking round the house naked again,
they'll soon move out.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 11:52, Reply)

This is win.

( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 11:52, Reply)

I'm a terrible bastard.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 11:55, Reply)

I reckon that
Your own giganto-padlock is a great option.

Although perhaps starting a fire in the squat would be better. Kill off some scum, then the survivors will get blamed and arrested.
( Cawl, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 11:52, Reply)

Hmm...
I'd go for A, then B.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 11:52, Reply)

I was a squatter for about 18 months a few years ago
I was the nice kind though that was a squatter by default as they stopped taking the rent money each month.

I vote MTFU and get some net curtains so you can wander around in the altogether again.
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 11:53, Reply)

Or
d) Go round there with a large bag of Wethers Originals and tell them to stop making so much noise or you'll send the boyz round.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 11:53, Reply)

^^This

(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 11:55, Reply)

Next time they're out
Wire up the gate so that they get a nice shock when they try to get in.
( Captain V, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 11:55, Reply)

First rule of a squat
someone stays home all the time.
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 11:56, Reply)

I don't think they can see the gate from the house
So waiting for a bunch of them to leave would give you the best opportunity to wire the thing up.
( Captain V, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 11:58, Reply)

She'll be sent to prison
and you won't get your end away anymore.
( thealternativefact, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 11:59, Reply)

It's worth the sacrifice to kill the annoying cunts

( Captain V, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 12:00, Reply)

I'll remind you tomorrow that you said that.

( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 12:03, Reply)

Yeah he will.
He can go have sex with "Charlotte".
( Cawl, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 12:00, Reply)

She's hot
and really filthy in bed. Not like the colossal prude CHCB.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 12:03, Reply)

that's a silent "p", al

( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 12:04, Reply)

No he had it right

( Captain V, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 12:06, Reply)

Shut it, catface,
or the gag goes back on.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 12:09, Reply)

Why would I be afraid of you wearing a gag?
We both know you're too weedy to restrain and gag me.
( Captain V, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 12:12, Reply)

retrain?
or restrain?

Either can be achieved through applied percussive maintenance.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 12:13, Reply)

Dammit
I was too slow with my edit.
( Captain V, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 12:14, Reply)

Stop using 'colossal' just because you know how to spell it.

( thealternativefact, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 12:06, Reply)

That's just the sort of thing a colossal racist would say


colossal colossal colossal colossal colossal colossal colossal colossal
(Bazongaloid, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 12:08, Reply)

She said the other week that she belives the best thing for midgets, is for them to have their names tattoed on their head, so you can tell the differance between them.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 12:15, Reply)

In which case,
Prior to the commencement of any nefarious plan, liberally indulge the said guardian with Class A and ensure they are unconscious before taking any further action.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Mon 6 Jul 2009, 11:59, Reply)

Option e)
Send V around with his scariest of scary faces on to scare them away.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 12:00, Reply)

What?
Make them run off laughing?

*sends in the tardo-midget*
( Cawl, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 12:01, Reply)

Send him round with a can of Dr Pepper.
He ruins everything he's near with that stuff.
( thealternativefact, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 12:02, Reply)

Ha!
Especially electronic items.
How will the poor Posh-Squatters cope without their iPhones?
( Cawl, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 12:07, Reply)

"Dropped your iPhone in your bath of Dr Pepper? There's an app for that."

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 12:18, Reply)

Leave your old copies of the Daily Mail out for recycling.

(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Mon 6 Jul 2009, 12:10, Reply)

good call!
For this would make them homesick for Mummy and Daddy and they'd rush back to the Home Counties in time for supper.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 12:12, Reply)

I imagine
if they are professional squatters, they will have access to bolt-cutters, so a) isn't an option.

I would print out and stick on the gate a letter saying that their late-night antics are pissing off the neighbours, and if they continue, then action will be taken. Make it friendly rather than confrontational though.

And buy some net curtains or be proud of your nudey bits...
( I_Was_Mordred, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 12:21, Reply)

use your Nordie power
Sneak up behind one of them as they are drinking their tea and whisper.

"Im gonnee kell ur Daw"

then walk nonchalantly away.

Sorted.
(bazmorningstar efil4nat3b, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 12:25, Reply)

permission to wear a balaclava while doing so?

( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 12:26, Reply)

so long as that's all,
then go for it.

and above all, ENJOY!!
(bazmorningstar efil4nat3b, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 12:28, Reply)

Politely ask them to be quieter
If they are rich kids playing at being poor for a bit they will probably keep the noise down. Or stab you.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 12:26, Reply)

they don't look very stabby,
they seem like a bunch of amiable tossers.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 12:27, Reply)

I am always polite with my neighbours
it gives you the moral high ground if things escalate further
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 12:31, Reply)

Show them your game face, Crackers.
Walk up to them, the hardest, one, and start angry-growling at him, then when he ask's you what's up, point at the gate, point at him, the point at the gate again.

Keep on doing that, no matter what he says, make sure you don't say a single word, then at the end, throw your hands up in the air in fustration and storm off.

Nobody wants to live next door a phsyco.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 12:29, Reply)

Take them beers.
Sit with them.
Get to to know them.
Then rob their corpses as the rat-poison takes hold.
( Cawl, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 12:29, Reply)

Nah
Tell Ed that they would be interested in hearing his stories, they'll be gone in an hour.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 12:40, Reply)

Buy a Honda Accord
and park it outside, they'll soon get the message.
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 13:05, Reply)

first you would need to deliver them a print out of that story
the honda accord thing hasn't spread yet
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 14:13, Reply)

They're arseholes
"If you called your dad he could stop it all."
The padlock is only a temporary solution.
The police won't ba able to do much.
You'll have to kill them.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 13:51, Reply)