My ex Mrs, mother of my child, needs to die
She's a scrounging, benefit-theiving, violent, alcoholic little twunt who is doing my daughter no good, so I need your help.

How do I end her miserable existence and get away with it? I either need to make it look like an accident, or dispose of her body so that it never gets found. All suggestions are welcome.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 3 Sep 2009, 12:45, 41 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Take her on holiday to portugal
and then visit a tapas bar.
( Peej, Thu 3 Sep 2009, 12:50, Reply)

A good suggestion
but she's too old and too ugly to be abducted for use in the sex trade
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 3 Sep 2009, 12:56, Reply)

Have you tried reporting your concerns to her or social services or hav eyour asperger's stopped you?

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 3 Sep 2009, 12:59, Reply)

I've got one for the fail archive
www.b3ta.com/questions/offtopic/post512684
(Richard Earl of Cambridge Cruel, Savage, Thu 3 Sep 2009, 13:00, Reply)

It's funny how the people who have contributed the least
and have been the least amusing posters here are the ones that complain the most, isn't it?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 3 Sep 2009, 13:01, Reply)

I've been a QOTW winner.
With TRUE stories.

Who's complaining anyway?

I'm giving the pathetic liars, pathetic dullards, pathetic attention seekers and plain pathetic QOTW posters a chance to finally give some amusement.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 3 Sep 2009, 13:05, Reply)

Me too
I'd offer a high-five, but I hardly know you
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 3 Sep 2009, 13:06, Reply)

Well you would say that, wouldn't you.

( girlinthehole, Thu 3 Sep 2009, 13:07, Reply)

*cough cough*
www.b3ta.com/questions/bullies/
(Richard Earl of Cambridge Cruel, Savage, Thu 3 Sep 2009, 13:09, Reply)

I'm REALLY impressed

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 3 Sep 2009, 13:10, Reply)

damn recursion!

( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 3 Sep 2009, 13:17, Reply)

I have indeed
but when there isn't alot of evidence it's just my word against hers, and she's a far more proficient liar than I'll ever be.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 3 Sep 2009, 13:00, Reply)

In all fairness, SS aren't going to let an aspie look after a child though.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 3 Sep 2009, 13:07, Reply)

If anything my crippling, undiagnosed asbergers makes me a better father
the moods swings and hyperactive behaviour keep my little 'un amused for hours
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 3 Sep 2009, 13:10, Reply)

You should research more into the QOTW archives
there are many far worse posts than the ones you've picked.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 3 Sep 2009, 13:06, Reply)

You should submit some.

(Richard Earl of Cambridge Cruel, Savage, Thu 3 Sep 2009, 13:09, Reply)

I value my sanity too much to trawl too deeply.
If someone could send me the original 'self diagnosed aspergers' story, I'd be very grateful.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 3 Sep 2009, 13:09, Reply)

That was a good while back
but I'm pretty sure it was after replies had been enabled. I might try and find it.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 3 Sep 2009, 13:11, Reply)

this^

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 3 Sep 2009, 13:10, Reply)

I hear that
Dumping the naked body, weighed down in a stream removes all DNA evidence....
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Thu 3 Sep 2009, 12:59, Reply)

The stream near me is only about 2 inches deep
but I'll give it a shot
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 3 Sep 2009, 13:02, Reply)

That's fine as long as you kill her with a steamroller.

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Thu 3 Sep 2009, 13:20, Reply)

bleach
apparantly works. Wait till she has a cold and put some in a lemonade bottle
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Thu 3 Sep 2009, 15:07, Reply)

Arson

(Richard Earl of Cambridge Cruel, Savage, Thu 3 Sep 2009, 13:00, Reply)

Elaborate further
What do I use to start the fire to make it look like an accident?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 3 Sep 2009, 13:02, Reply)

haircurlers on a pillow

(Richard Earl of Cambridge Cruel, Savage, Thu 3 Sep 2009, 13:04, Reply)

DONE.
I just have to break into her house in the night, sneak into her room while she's sleeping and plug her straighteners in, simple.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 3 Sep 2009, 13:07, Reply)

You could tamper with her oven.

(Richard Earl of Cambridge Cruel, Savage, Thu 3 Sep 2009, 13:08, Reply)

That's how all this started!

( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Thu 3 Sep 2009, 13:14, Reply)

Ha!

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 3 Sep 2009, 13:15, Reply)

Ever seen that Hitchcock film
I think it's called Strangers on a Train...
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Thu 3 Sep 2009, 13:05, Reply)

I did, but I got bored halfway through
Did they find her in the end?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 3 Sep 2009, 13:07, Reply)

*Sigh*
You're missing the point - so clearly you haven't watched the film.

Naughty monkey!

The basic premise of the film is that two men meet on a train and talk about how they both want someone killed. They plan to each do the other's murder. Except only one man does, but that's beside the point.

What you need to do is to find a stranger and kill their mate and they'll do your murder for you.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Thu 3 Sep 2009, 13:10, Reply)

I see
I think I was thinking of 'The Lady Vanishes'. Anybody need somebody murdering? I'll do it proper cheap for you.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 3 Sep 2009, 13:12, Reply)

Make a rap about how you want to leave the bitch in a trunk, and run the car over a bridge.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Thu 3 Sep 2009, 13:10, Reply)

I was listening to Eminem's '97 Bonnie & Clyde
in the car with my daughter ages ago, it felt great, fortunately she was too young to realise what I was singing about
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 3 Sep 2009, 13:12, Reply)

benefit-thieving
as in claiming illegally?

Shop her - if she has no legitimate claim to beneifts then you can inform the whoever-it-is-tehse-fucking-days anonymously.

May not do much, but it's something - she might guess it's you though
(bamboozled Can hear you getting fatter, Thu 3 Sep 2009, 13:20, Reply)

Already have
but they need evidence, I've provided them with details of the number of days my daughter has stayed with me (more than she spends with her mum), and the child support I've been paying to her, but it's still my word against hers apparently.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 3 Sep 2009, 13:23, Reply)

Take pictures of your daughter
Holding up today's paper every day she spends with you. Not only is it proof it will also provide heartwarming memories for years to come.

I'm amused that predictive text offers "fatigues" for "daughter".
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 3 Sep 2009, 14:06, Reply)

When it comes to that sort of thing the authorities are useless
my ex pays me £25 a week for each of our sons. He has them only one weekend out of two.

He went to Morocco for a couple of weeks a little while ago and drives around in a new 4x4.

We had a weekend in Suffolk and I had to sell my car a few weeks back to pay for their new school stuff.

He has a good (expensive) accountant. The CSA say he has to pay us £0 because his income is less than £5 per week.

Yeah, right.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Thu 3 Sep 2009, 14:10, Reply)

As previously
1. Murder the bitch in an unmessy way (suffocation with a polythene bag would be good).
2. Put the body through a woodchipper in a suitably prepared small room.
3. Feed the collected slurry to the pigs.
4. Wash everything down thoroughly with hydrogen peroxide.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Sun 6 Sep 2009, 18:17, Reply)