Today my best friend text me to say that she had accidentally ran over, and killed, her favourite pet duck
So far I've replied with 'If you're having trouble grieving, maybe you should hold a q-wake. Mind you, I wouldn't want to see the funeral bill' and 'I'm sure the poor little fella will have gotten into duck heaven, then again, it depends how much he hoi sinned'.

Are there any more duck-death related puns or spoonerisms I could send her to get her through her hour of need?

EDIT Dead duck trumps Swayze or Floyd any day
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 15 Sep 2009, 10:42, 45 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I canard-ly help but wonder if she ran it over on purpose.
Perhaps it had some kind of mallard-y, and she was trying to put it out of its misery.
(Slip Digby is a meat puppet, Tue 15 Sep 2009, 10:43, Reply)

This is what I was looking for
I knew there would be something in the mallard/malady region
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 15 Sep 2009, 10:45, Reply)

Well, that was terribly brief
Think my post needs an alternative question?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 15 Sep 2009, 10:51, Reply)

is it now a duck billed FLATipuss?
rofl.
(PsychoChomp, Tue 15 Sep 2009, 10:53, Reply)

This
is being sent to her as I type
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 15 Sep 2009, 10:56, Reply)

Did she find it Peking out from under the wheel of her car?

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Tue 15 Sep 2009, 10:53, Reply)

*small grin turning in to belly laugh a-rama*

(Slip Digby is a meat puppet, Tue 15 Sep 2009, 10:56, Reply)

Cheers, Wookie
you lovely little duck-hater
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 15 Sep 2009, 10:57, Reply)

She ran it over?
It should be nice and flat, ready for pancakes.
EDIT: Apologies for lack of pun. I couldn't think of one. I shall, of course, commit seppuku immediately.
(ThomsonsPier consumes, Tue 15 Sep 2009, 10:53, Reply)

I already did that one
but cheers anyway
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 15 Sep 2009, 10:55, Reply)

In Poetry Form
So, your duck is dead
You ran over his head
A painful squash
Makes the tyres difficult to wash
But the death of a fowl
Makes no difference now
So please pluck the breast
While I put to the test
This lovely wok set I got for my birthday
And as the kids say woo-yay!
(Slip Digby is a meat puppet, Tue 15 Sep 2009, 10:55, Reply)

Maximum effort
minimum results.

You know where the door is
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 15 Sep 2009, 10:56, Reply)

This from the person who came the the *internet* looking for help?
Will I hold the door open for you, sir?
(Slip Digby is a meat puppet, Tue 15 Sep 2009, 11:24, Reply)

It wasn't help I was looking for
it was puns. There's a big difference
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 15 Sep 2009, 11:25, Reply)

Oh, sorry, help in thinking up puns then.
A huge difference. A vast chasm, in fact.

sniffs. I worked hard* on that poem.

*Well, for 2 minutes, anyway.
(Slip Digby is a meat puppet, Tue 15 Sep 2009, 11:40, Reply)

I don't care how hard you worked
poetry is for the gays, and even by their standards, it was awful.

Men write poems like this:

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Your duck is dead,
Now get ready for a raping.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 15 Sep 2009, 11:44, Reply)

I try to be PC
But I can't help guffawing at that...
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Tue 15 Sep 2009, 11:55, Reply)

It's the way poetry is meant to be

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 15 Sep 2009, 11:56, Reply)

*click*

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Tue 15 Sep 2009, 12:04, Reply)

But it dun't do nothing guv'nor!
Clicking only works if it's the original post you're clicking here on Off Topic.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 15 Sep 2009, 12:05, Reply)

Your metric feet are shockingly deformed.
Spastic.
( thealternativefact, Tue 15 Sep 2009, 11:08, Reply)

Ha! I care nothing for your rules.

(Slip Digby is a meat puppet, Tue 15 Sep 2009, 11:23, Reply)

Heh
For Sale: One duck, ready Spatchcocked. Genuine only, no Eider-l enquiries.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Tue 15 Sep 2009, 11:07, Reply)

What a shame
I bet that's Rouen-ed her day. Hope she didn't get any mess from the carcass on her clothes, she may have to take them to the drake-leaners. I Campbell-ieve that she'd be upset; I don't believe there's an Anatidae-te to being squidged by a car. But it's Teal-ate for such meaningless sentiments if I'm dabbling in jokes like this. Hopefully there won't be too many Histrionicus.
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 15 Sep 2009, 11:10, Reply)

I'd better stop now
She's just replied with 'FUCKING STOP - You're not funny, you know,' and I have a tendency to take things too far.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 15 Sep 2009, 11:13, Reply)

Running over a duck
would produce a heap of feathers.

It's obviously getting her down.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Tue 15 Sep 2009, 11:15, Reply)

Heehee
I wasn't expecting so many good responses
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 15 Sep 2009, 11:17, Reply)

You need to give her time to Grebe.
She's in Moorhen.
She's feeling a little Egret at the moment.
I bet she let out a bit of an 'owl, it just goose to show that you need to keep your heron in a situation like that.
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Tue 15 Sep 2009, 11:18, Reply)

*sing that childrens' classic cartoon theme tune*
You might solve a mystery
Or rewrite history with

Duck entrails! *wooo-oooo*
( djtrialprice, Tue 15 Sep 2009, 11:29, Reply)

Heehee
But I bet you've never heard of the spin-off, Dark Wing Duck? The pilot from Duck Tails was in it, it was great.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 15 Sep 2009, 11:31, Reply)

Tell her not to be so mallard-ramatic.

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 15 Sep 2009, 11:33, Reply)

Oh Roots - nice one.

( thealternativefact, Tue 15 Sep 2009, 11:44, Reply)

Ta hun
I've been having a lot of mallard-related debate recently. Several people had told me I was wrong to refer to the duck that attacked us in Chester Zoo as a 'female Mallard'. "A mallard is a male." they said. Well I checked, and you DO have a Mallard drake and a Mallard hen. So I've posted this to their facefooks with a hefty slice of "Nuur!" because I'm always wrong about stuff, but this time I'm right.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 15 Sep 2009, 11:48, Reply)

Find something more constructive to do with your time, for the love of God!

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 15 Sep 2009, 11:50, Reply)

The alternative would be work
and I don't want to do it.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 15 Sep 2009, 11:52, Reply)

I can see the dilemma there
have you considered dole?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 15 Sep 2009, 11:52, Reply)

It's not as easy or as lucrative as it once was.
Disability Living Allowance is the way forward.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 15 Sep 2009, 11:54, Reply)

Want me to break your legs/spine?
Or would you rather catch a mental illness?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 15 Sep 2009, 11:54, Reply)

I think the mental illness would be easier
I suspect I'm quite susceptible. There's a lot of it on my Nana's side of the family.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 15 Sep 2009, 11:57, Reply)

Go round to her house
and lick her until you come down with it yourself.

EDIT unless she's dead, in which case the licking may be less tasty, but more likely to get you the disability benefit
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 15 Sep 2009, 11:58, Reply)

She's alive
I'll give it a go. Not fussy on the taste of perm lotion though.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 15 Sep 2009, 12:00, Reply)

Add Talcum powder to taste

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 15 Sep 2009, 12:03, Reply)

Mmmm, Parma Violets...

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 15 Sep 2009, 12:04, Reply)

Man, they're sexy
I wish I had some now, but like big ones, Parma Violets the size of dinner plates, imagine that... cor, I've messed my trousers again.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 15 Sep 2009, 12:06, Reply)

It's in a better place now
She should take confit in that.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 15 Sep 2009, 11:46, Reply)