The thread below seems to have petered out
So welcome to the all new Dear Auntie Bert Agony Aunt thread.

Tell me your problems internet, and I'll solve them. It'll be a bit like that Baldmonkey thing on /talk, but without the shit podcast
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 14:50, 97 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I'm going to be the only guy in a group of girls tonight
how can I stop them talking about shit TV or shoes?
(PsychoChomp, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 14:51, Reply)

Get your cock out
It's the only way.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 14:52, Reply)

it'll be in public, in a pub.

(PsychoChomp, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 14:53, Reply)

You don't need Bert to tell you
Talk about sex. And kittens
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 14:52, Reply)

They already know all my funny sex stories.
I could make them up a la /qotw I suppose.
(PsychoChomp, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 14:53, Reply)

You're catching on, son

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 14:54, Reply)

Stick your cock in their mouths
as one goes to speak, stuff it in, move to the next when she tries to talk. It'll be like trying to stop a series of leaks with you running around stick your cock into their mouths until they LEARN
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 14:54, Reply)

Like this
Erm video.google.co.uk/videosearch?hl=en&q=whack%20a%20mole&um=1&ie=UTF-8&sa=N&tab=wv# ?
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 14:56, Reply)

Exactly like that

( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 15:02, Reply)

Only one out of the three would like that
and that's the one I wouldn't like to do it to.
(PsychoChomp, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 15:06, Reply)

Don't be so fussy

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 15:46, Reply)

I've got a cold
It's fucking with my asthma, and making it rather difficult for me to sleep more than about an hour without waking up.

That's currently my only problem, so life ain't too bad.

Should I expect a healthy dose of MTFU?
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 14:52, Reply)

Drink tea and use the blue inhaler
Take painkillers and a leedle beet of de booze.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 14:53, Reply)

.
I wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry at the doctors this morning. They made me take a peak flow test, and found that my lung capacity should be around 690-700.

On my test I barely made 310. Not good.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 15:09, Reply)

Oh dear.
Some cold remedies affect asthma don't they?
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 15:21, Reply)

Aye
Most things that people would use to clear a blocked nose or a thick head won't work on me. The only way I can clear anything is with the strongest cold medicine you can get legally.

Vicks really fucked me up a couple of years ago, I used the spray to help with a blocked nose, ended up having an asthma attack. Not good.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 15:25, Reply)

Have you got a really dodgy old-fashion chenist near you?
Ask them for BM or Black Magic, or at a push Ipecac & Morphine.
The pensioners go wild for it. I haven't had it for a couple of years and I hear they were trying to phase it out.
It is STRONG. It's got ethanol in it. It totally numbs your throat mad makes you really happy.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 15:31, Reply)

Erm
I thought Ipecac was what people used to make them vomit?

I'll give this cold another couple of days. If it's still here, I'll go for it. Either that, or take my friends suggestion, and have multiple hot toddys.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 15:32, Reply)

I dunno
I think it's short for ipecacuanha.
I may go and investigate properly. On The Internet.
Toddies will do no harm.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 15:35, Reply)

Grow a pair, Shirley

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 14:54, Reply)

Hahahaha
Shirley
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Thu 29 Oct 2009, 15:17, Reply)

I think I'm going to explode.

( girlinthehole, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 14:54, Reply)

Got too many cocks in you at once?

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 14:55, Reply)

Ysnngggggghhh!

( girlinthehole, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 14:56, Reply)

Should I drink tonight? Or should I not drink?
Ballet? Or string quartet?
New York or DC?
( Lisette von Falcon, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 14:54, Reply)

Drink
String quartet
I couldn't give a shit about either because Americans live there.

Hope this helps
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 14:55, Reply)

how very sad for you
DC is awesome
( Lisette von Falcon, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 15:00, Reply)

I'm sure it is
but I'm a massive racist
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 15:03, Reply)

oh, you hate white people....me too

( Lisette von Falcon, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 15:05, Reply)

I hate all races equally

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 15:45, Reply)

Drink, ballet, Noo Yoik

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 14:58, Reply)

fantastic idea roooooooooooooota
how's it hangin'?
( Lisette von Falcon, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 15:05, Reply)

It's hanging slightly higher than its counterpart
I went to see Giselle last night. Amaaazing.
How's you?
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 15:09, Reply)

ugh, so jealous right now

( Lisette von Falcon, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 15:12, Reply)

there was also a lil bit of modern stuff at the beginning
Big strong men doing amazing ballet. A little bit like Akram Khan.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 15:17, Reply)

Ooooh like this
*prances*
*twinkle toes*
*jazz hands*

Oh I know I'm great, I used to do ballet... three weeks when I was 5! Boo-Yah!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Thu 29 Oct 2009, 15:24, Reply)

Me too!
*pirouettes*
( Lisette von Falcon, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 15:27, Reply)

Exactly like that, ladies
Looking good!
*laughs*
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 15:29, Reply)

Well
I say three weeks, I spent most of the lessons hiding in the toilet with another girl who got forced to go by her mother. My sister did about a years worth, she was the good child.
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Thu 29 Oct 2009, 15:36, Reply)

....and now she's dead

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 15:46, Reply)

Haha
Noooo shes very much alive, or at least I hope she is, shes coming to see me this weekend!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Thu 29 Oct 2009, 15:49, Reply)

Zombie sister gonna eat ya brains

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 15:51, Reply)

Nah
she’s a vegetarian!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Thu 29 Oct 2009, 15:57, Reply)

Vegetarian Zombie?
Whatever next!
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 16:02, Reply)

Nooooo
She's a veggie lady, alive and everything!!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Thu 29 Oct 2009, 16:03, Reply)

Don't lie to me
you used the past tense when referring to her before, so she must be dead.

Bloody left-wing liberal zombies, they're ruining this country from the inside
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 16:06, Reply)

I used the past tense because I was talking about the past
She's alive, I swear it!! :(
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Thu 29 Oct 2009, 16:14, Reply)

POIDH

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 16:20, Reply)

I'm at work
I don't have a collection of images of my sister holding todays paper just in case someone on the interwebs tells me to prove that shes alive!! Bloomin' Nora.
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Thu 29 Oct 2009, 16:30, Reply)

I'll have to take pictures of your sister myself, then
what's her address?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 16:35, Reply)

Yes okay, let me just get a map to show...
*runs*
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Thu 29 Oct 2009, 16:47, Reply)

I can't be arsed to do my work
it needs to be done.

Tell me oh great b3ta auntie how I can motivate myself to work.

What's the best thing to tie someone up with?
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 15:03, Reply)

Garden twine.
Hurts like fuck.

Kids been playing up again. *laughs*
( girlinthehole, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 15:19, Reply)

Heeheeheehee!
But no - they've been with their father since Sunday!

I'm rewriting something that has a line about being 'bound and hidden' - that's far too poncy and not real or concrete enough.

Garden twine works quite nicely I think...for now anyway.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 15:23, Reply)

I'll be finding out this weekend
I'm thinking it's going to be rope attached to cuffs.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 15:20, Reply)

But what type of rope?

( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 15:23, Reply)

I dunno
The stuff you buy specifically for tying people up with.
I haven't seen it yet.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 15:25, Reply)

I think there's a special aisle in B&Q
marked 'Rope for tying people up with'.

If there isn't, there should be.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 15:29, Reply)

Maybe this?
www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=15780
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 15:34, Reply)

You do realise that I hate you with every fibre of my being.

( girlinthehole, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 15:24, Reply)

I deserve this!
Anyway, you have ting in the pipeline don't you?
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 15:27, Reply)

I don't even have a pipeline.

( girlinthehole, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 15:30, Reply)

You do
but it may become a mere stent if it doesn't get its medicine soon.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 15:32, Reply)

that's where you're going wrong.

( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 15:33, Reply)

black silk
I read it in a book once "With a bit of black silk the possibilities are endless"
( Lisette von Falcon, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 15:23, Reply)

Black ribbon is nice
More from an aesthetic point of view really
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 15:24, Reply)

Liquourice laces

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 15:49, Reply)

Woo!

(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Thu 29 Oct 2009, 15:57, Reply)

Yack!
Vile stuff.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 15:59, Reply)

I've decided not to go to band practice tonight, to remove the temptation to get really stoned
thus saving lungs, for the time being at least.

What should I do to entertain myself tonight?
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 15:21, Reply)

Eat some space cakes

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 15:22, Reply)

Make a curry

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 15:23, Reply)

Eat some space curry

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 15:23, Reply)

Sorted.

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 15:28, Reply)

Win.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 15:29, Reply)

am going to have chilli
leftover from a previous one. might put extra chilli in it though, to give it some healing fire.

don't think space cakes or space curry would make me feel better.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 15:28, Reply)

In answer to your original question
have a wank, or if she's well trained, get the Mrs to do it for you.

With her face.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 15:48, Reply)

she's going out for a curry with work colleagues
bitch
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 16:05, Reply)

This kind of selfishness should not be tolerated
turn up at the restaurant they're dining at, half wearing your pyjamas and holding a piss-soaked teddy bear, go right up to her face and say 'I done it again Mrs Vipros, and teddy's all wet, and I'm ill and you left me all by myself at home with nobody to look after me. YOU DON'T LOVE ME ANYMORE, DO YOU?'
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 16:34, Reply)

Lime or Caustic Soda?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 15:22, Reply)

Lime
it's more classy.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 15:24, Reply)

Better in a G&T at any rate

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 15:25, Reply)

Yeah
caustic soda just fizzes with gin. And tastes a bit funny - well that's what the ex said.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 15:31, Reply)

Caustic soda
just because I like the word caustic, and I like disagreeing with chickenlady
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 15:47, Reply)

Bad monkeyboy
you know it'll end with you being sent to bed without any tea, don't you?
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 15:51, Reply)

YOU AIN'T MY MUVVA

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 15:57, Reply)

YOU WISH BAD BOY!

( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 15:59, Reply)

Call me bad boy again
it's giving me wood
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 16:01, Reply)

I would
but all the wood was stolen from the log pile by some BAD BOYS!
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 16:05, Reply)

COR

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 16:12, Reply)

I know
it's sexy, n'est pas?
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 16:20, Reply)

Weewee

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 16:32, Reply)

I've got the farts
Lovely warm bubbly farts. Luckliy they aren't very smelly and my chair muffles the noise.

I also need a poo but I'm waiting until I get home.
( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 15:46, Reply)

Poo in your pants
it's the only way to be sure
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 15:48, Reply)

Are they rattlers?
I love rattlers.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 15:50, Reply)

Is there a party
Like an S Club party? Only I've heard there ain't.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 15:57, Reply)

There is, but you have to abduct seven children
and force them to dance for you.

It's the secret lyric they decided to leave out
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 16:01, Reply)