Right arsebandits
I've got a new cooker. The first thing I prepare with it needs to be awesome.

Give me some suggestions.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 16:52, 44 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Punch a women into the oven and then turn on the grill. Sprinkle her upper lip with cheese.

( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 16:54, Reply)

stop the thread
we have a winner
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 16:56, Reply)

But what if she has a lady tash?
Then you'll have hair in your Croque Madam
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 16:57, Reply)

that'd be no good at all
I will marinade her in depilatory treatments beforehand
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 17:01, Reply)

Beef Wellington

Food of the meat Gods
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 16:56, Reply)

mmmm
tempting, very tempting.

I've made wild boar wellington before. that was delicious
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 17:00, Reply)

Steak & Chips
and bake a cake at the same time
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 16:57, Reply)

Boil 3 eggs then fire them right up your farter.
Fast AND easy.
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 17:01, Reply)

Pie
put one layer puff pastry in a casserole dish
chuck on some blue cheese, sun-dried tomatoes and spinach leaves
put another layer of puff pastry on top
seal with egg wash

bake at 180 for 15-20 mins

delish and veggy friendly too

rafter
baz
(bazmorningstar efil4nat3b, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 17:01, Reply)

not a big cheese eater
particularly blue cheese, and the mrs doesn't like sun-dried tomatoes

thanks for playing though :-)
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 17:06, Reply)

Or...
..have a dirty great fry-up and fuck the veggies.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 17:08, Reply)

LOBSTAHHHH
failing that, something with loads of veggies and chikenz
( Lisette von Falcon, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 17:02, Reply)

A salad

(PsychoChomp, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 17:02, Reply)

^This is funny because you don't need a cooker to make a salad.
unless it's a pasta salad or it has anything hot in it.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 17:04, Reply)

yeah
i lol'd (!)
(bamboozled Can hear you getting fatter, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 17:05, Reply)

I like it
I have a friend who burned a salad once. it was amusing because she was a really bad cook anyway, and this helped us to mock her.

really she just put a bowl of salad on a hot hob by accident
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 17:08, Reply)

steak and garlic roast potatoes

(bamboozled Can hear you getting fatter, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 17:04, Reply)

Lobster Thermador !

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 17:05, Reply)

don't have time to thaw a cheap lobster unfortunately
and don't have the money for an expensive one
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 17:07, Reply)

How 'bout...
- Fry off some onions in a deep pan
- Fill up the pan with some milk, about 3/4 of the way.
- Poach some smoked haddock in it
- Add some frozen peas
- Serve on mash with a fried egg on top.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 17:16, Reply)

Then your new cooker will smell like a hooker's minge

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 17:24, Reply)

Mmm

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 17:28, Reply)

Tesco Value Ready Meal
Anything will do
( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 17:06, Reply)

Trick question.
Have the other-half* do the cooking for you, kick back, sip a beer and watch.

*Nude.

(And there better be bacon involved.)
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 17:06, Reply)

Perhaps
this?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 17:13, Reply)

best answer yet

(bamboozled Can hear you getting fatter, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 17:30, Reply)

You've got to roast something - clearly
Perhaps a big lump of beef. Seal it in a pan and meanwhile throw onto a baking tray some winter vegetables mixed with garlic, good quality olive oil, and seasoning.

Lay the slab of sealed beef on top, and erm, ovenify until... ready.
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 17:14, Reply)

I'd have to agree with you...
...roasting is the true baptism for a cooker.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 17:18, Reply)

Lamb steaks
Wine and dill sauce.
Mash (either sweet potato or naughty potato)
Crispy veg.

Pure and simple.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 17:15, Reply)

What the fuck is a naughty potato?
For the record I'm not eating anything that has been up your arse.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 17:23, Reply)

Well 'sweet' potato seems to imply there's something less than sweet or wholesome about the common spud
I just meant normal mash. But as you generally add butter and milk, I guess it is a little naughty.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 17:25, Reply)

Oh ok, whole mustard is the best addition to mash EVA!

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 17:30, Reply)

How much?
I generally put white pepper in, but I'm open to suggestions.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 17:31, Reply)

Depends how much you like mash really
I supose I put a heaped teaspoon into mash for two, but I could easily have a bit more, atate it and see.

Other quality mash varients include:
Rustic (leave the skins on)
Cheese
Garlic
Herb

This public service announcement was brought to you by NakeApe C.E.O Potato Futures Ltd
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 17:35, Reply)

I've done cheese and rustic
but as much as I love garlic I don't like garlic mash.

I do sweet potato mash with honey, white pepper and coriander.

Cheers for the tips!
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 17:37, Reply)

Can't get my head/gums around sweet potato
it doesn't feel "potatoie" enough?!?
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 17:40, Reply)

It's like a nicer version of carrot and swede mash, I think

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 17:41, Reply)

Horseradish mash is excellent
as is cheese and very finely chopped spring onion.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 18:04, Reply)

Try out the cooker first
It will be different from what you are used to.

Do a beef wellington, and you will ruin it.

I speak from experience.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 17:16, Reply)

chicken fajitas with homemade MEGAhot spicy salsa

( rosalicious i fucking love youve been framed, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 17:25, Reply)

Alright Rosita!

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 17:25, Reply)

alright lovely!
im fucking starving here
( rosalicious i fucking love youve been framed, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 17:48, Reply)

for those who care
Griddled steaks, marinated in soy sauce, fish sauce, garlic and ginger.
Mash with finely chopped spring onions and soy sauce
Caramelised leeks with chinese 5 spice

fucking delicious.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 19:22, Reply)

Sounds mad, but also gorgeous

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 19:56, Reply)