This morning my cat actually murdered me,
I mean he actually attacked me like a pit-pull.
I'm used to getting a good mauling now and again and I appreciate he's just playing, he's an indoor cat, he needs an outlet etc etc. He often draws blood, but it's par for the course with some cats.

But this morning, seriously, FTW. Even grabbing the scruff of his neck did not stop him. In the end I had to drag him off, dragging more wounds into my skin as I did so. I am fucking marmalised on my arms and hands.
And the annoying thing is he's been so lovely recently. Sitting on my knee and getting stroked like a proper cat.

So the question is, do I throw him out of the window?
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 2 Feb 2010, 10:49, 69 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Yes but don't open it first

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 2 Feb 2010, 10:52, Reply)

NEAR THE TOP!!!!!
petitions.number10.gov.uk/ie6upgrade/
(PsychoChomp, Tue 2 Feb 2010, 11:58, Reply)

When I were knee high to a grasshopper, my cat pooed on my Mum's bed.
I don't mean a little bean of poo. We're talking major league excrement. Cat Diahorrhea of the highest order.

That cat exited the house by means of an open window. Thankfully, there was a roof below it, so the moggy got a safe landing.

2 weeks later, when she repeated the feat on my bed, she nearly got the same treatment. Until Mum, at the last second, realised there was a 14-foot drop on to concrete. So she rubbed the cat's nose in it instead.
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Tue 2 Feb 2010, 10:52, Reply)

Cat-killer!
And I don't think the nose thing works on cats.
And if it was diaorrhea, then it wasn't naughtiness.
You and your mum are future serial killers AICMFP.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 2 Feb 2010, 10:55, Reply)

It turned out, sadly, that the cat had cat AIDS, and had to be put down.
:( Poor Topsy.
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Tue 2 Feb 2010, 10:59, Reply)

Assisted death, eh?

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 2 Feb 2010, 11:02, Reply)

My cat. Her death. The Vet's choice.

( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Tue 2 Feb 2010, 11:07, Reply)

I thought standard practice was to throw him AT the window
No?
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Tue 2 Feb 2010, 10:52, Reply)

Through, man, through!

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Tue 2 Feb 2010, 10:55, Reply)

Also, daughter taught me a new word yesterday: Hench.
I never knew it existed, and here she was using it properly in a sentence and everything.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Tue 2 Feb 2010, 10:59, Reply)

What's it mean?

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 2 Feb 2010, 11:04, Reply)

Strong, stocky, well-built.
I guess it's related to 'henchmen' too.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Tue 2 Feb 2010, 11:10, Reply)

Well i never.

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 2 Feb 2010, 11:11, Reply)

What's a pit-pull?

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Tue 2 Feb 2010, 11:03, Reply)

Hahahah
AAAHAHAHAHH
I'm fucked if I know kid!
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 2 Feb 2010, 11:04, Reply)

Sorry about that, I'm feeling extra pedantic Today

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Tue 2 Feb 2010, 11:07, Reply)

Don't apologise pussy.

(PsychoChomp, Tue 2 Feb 2010, 11:11, Reply)

Shurrup, he'll apologise if he wants

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 2 Feb 2010, 11:11, Reply)

Thanks Roota
Chompy don't scare me none.

*hides behind Roota's voluminous skirts*
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Tue 2 Feb 2010, 11:15, Reply)

No worries kid
*peels a small orange thing nonchalantly*
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 2 Feb 2010, 11:16, Reply)

Cat bites can be dangerous incidentally.
Remind the cunt who is boss, by kicking it in when it least expects it, or put it in a pillowcase and spin it about until it is truly remorseful. Or the non-invasive approach by spraying it repeatedly with a water pistol or just run about wildly, shaking a black bin bag and making stupid noises.
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Tue 2 Feb 2010, 11:11, Reply)

At the moment it is only cushions and bin-bags he fears.
I didn't have time in those terrifying seconds...
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 2 Feb 2010, 11:12, Reply)

Tumble dryer, 3 minutes, job done.

(Cancer Joy was short lived, Tue 2 Feb 2010, 11:15, Reply)

You are me
AICMFP
( djtrialprice, Tue 2 Feb 2010, 11:30, Reply)

Or pretend to be a dinosaur
That'll teach the cheeky little sod.
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 2 Feb 2010, 11:13, Reply)

This sems like a good option

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 2 Feb 2010, 11:19, Reply)

Even the lairiest of cats
will bow before Rootasaurus Rex.
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 2 Feb 2010, 11:21, Reply)

Rootasuarus Rex sounds like

a gay man with a dinosuar fetish!
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 2 Feb 2010, 11:23, Reply)

Yeah,
but Rootasaurus Regina just sounds like a medical condition
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 2 Feb 2010, 11:24, Reply)

ew

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 2 Feb 2010, 11:28, Reply)

If only

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 2 Feb 2010, 11:23, Reply)

Work on your roar.
And hold your arms up like little T-Rex arms. If the cat laughs, your roar isn't scary enough.
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 2 Feb 2010, 11:25, Reply)

I actually did the arms thing unprompted in the office before you said it.
Dare me to roar?
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 2 Feb 2010, 11:28, Reply)

Yes
The answer to that question is always yes. Unless its the cat in the Whiskers advert... he stays alive, I like him!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 2 Feb 2010, 11:13, Reply)

Do you mean the one that the little boy talks about?

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 2 Feb 2010, 11:14, Reply)

Yes
He's prettyful.
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 2 Feb 2010, 11:21, Reply)

he is
But so's my Tigger.
He has a tiny face.
Just look at his tiny face.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 2 Feb 2010, 11:22, Reply)

Dat cat need to get himself some respec'
*snaps fingers*
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Tue 2 Feb 2010, 11:19, Reply)

or a zoot suit

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 2 Feb 2010, 11:21, Reply)

oh no you di-ent!
mmm HMMM
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Tue 2 Feb 2010, 11:28, Reply)

Ha-tah-tah

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 2 Feb 2010, 11:30, Reply)

Shower

(MichaelS wasn't picked again, Tue 2 Feb 2010, 11:20, Reply)

WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT CATS?

( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 2 Feb 2010, 11:24, Reply)

I know :(
but he loves me and he was really sorry afterwards.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 2 Feb 2010, 11:29, Reply)

I'm with CHCB on this 100%
people who own cats are owned by cats are idiots
( djtrialprice, Tue 2 Feb 2010, 11:31, Reply)

I never said I wasn't!!

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 2 Feb 2010, 11:35, Reply)

what you need is a border collie
they'll chase your rubbish cat and give you lots of love and attention
( djtrialprice, Tue 2 Feb 2010, 11:40, Reply)

I can't have a dog
So I seek affection from a domestically abusive cat.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 2 Feb 2010, 11:49, Reply)

You could go out with me?
I'm very affectionate and I'd only slap you about when you're out of line.
( djtrialprice, Tue 2 Feb 2010, 11:53, Reply)

Smooth.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Tue 2 Feb 2010, 11:56, Reply)

oh fo shure
I get all the internet ladyz
( djtrialprice, Tue 2 Feb 2010, 11:59, Reply)

Pah
You slappy types have short attention spans.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 2 Feb 2010, 11:57, Reply)

sl fw
( djtrialprice, Tue 2 Feb 2010, 11:59, Reply)

I rest my case

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 2 Feb 2010, 12:07, Reply)

My cats rarely go out now they are old.
Unless they're out all day and only come home when I do, just to wind me up.
( girlinthehole, Tue 2 Feb 2010, 11:27, Reply)

I'm reading and it says on The Internet
that it's not a behavioural problem, that his rough-and-tumble just got a bit out of hand.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 2 Feb 2010, 11:30, Reply)

You're always making exuses for him
"He loves me really...he said he was sorry and will never let it happen again...it was my fault...I WALKED INTO A DOOR"

Sorry, what are we talking about again?
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Tue 2 Feb 2010, 11:32, Reply)

That's exactly how it is

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 2 Feb 2010, 11:35, Reply)

Cut his nuts off
seriously
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 2 Feb 2010, 12:01, Reply)

Had him done
But they didn't cut them off as such. I need to ask Becky if his testosterone has possibly come back.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 2 Feb 2010, 12:05, Reply)

Give him the pill to up his oestragen levels

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 2 Feb 2010, 12:13, Reply)

Hey there's an idea!
But imagine when we're both 'due on'...
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 2 Feb 2010, 12:17, Reply)

no throwing at window required
next time, grab him by the scruff and throw him into the loo, lid down and flush............
(Purpledoris I've got afeckin' job, Tue 2 Feb 2010, 12:01, Reply)

he's too big
he's got really big.
I think he's half-feral.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 2 Feb 2010, 12:03, Reply)

Ha
Told you cats are wrong'uns.
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Tue 2 Feb 2010, 13:20, Reply)

i bloody know mate!

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 2 Feb 2010, 13:42, Reply)

He's apparently convinced that he's the Alpha.
So you have to let him know who's really in charge- if he gets too feisty again, hit him in the face with your knuckles like you're knocking loudly in a door and yell loudly at him. If that isn't enough, give him a good hard swat or even a small kick to get the point across.

Oh, and very important- make constant eye contact with him. Glare into his eyes as you yell at him.

I've had to do this with a variety of animals over the years. At first they're sullen and skittish, but if you reward good behavior by fuzzing him up and snuggling him and giving him treats and respond to bad behavior sharply, immediately when it happens, they'll learn their role pretty quickly.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Tue 2 Feb 2010, 14:19, Reply)

I couldn't hit him
I don't think cats learn in that way anyway, do they?
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 2 Feb 2010, 14:29, Reply)

Trust me, they do.
The thing is it takes a combination of positive and negative reinforcement. It's not as straightforward as with a horse or a dog, but it does work.

(Sometimes, I'll admit, it's a lost cause- I just had to put up a baby gate to prevent my elderly Siamese from pissing in the kids' bathroom.)
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Tue 2 Feb 2010, 22:57, Reply)