Does anyone want a drink?
Tea, coffee, Gin and tonic?

Lol, office humour at it's best.
What other office based hilarity have you encountered in your work?
(PsychoChomp, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 10:37, 93 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I mean, it's 10am on a Monday, of course I don't want a G&T?
rofl.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 10:38, Reply)

"sugar?
no I'm sweet enough already"

people who say this must be destroyed.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 10:42, Reply)

I say that, all the time.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 10:46, Reply)

I also say this

(Bazongaloid, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 10:47, Reply)

you fucking faggots
you people are what is wrong with the world.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 10:49, Reply)

^this

( djtrialprice, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 10:50, Reply)

though for different reasons entirely

( djtrialprice, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 10:50, Reply)

Your reasons are more likely to be true

(Bazongaloid, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 10:51, Reply)

I think people who use the term faggots are what's wrong with this world
We are neither a bunch of sticks, nor a compressed offal foodstuff.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 10:50, Reply)

you're not?
I thought you were compressed offal foodstuff on the end of a bunch of sticks...

boy is my face red...
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 11:05, Reply)

Is your pasty too hot?

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 11:05, Reply)

I don't have a pasty

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 11:06, Reply)

I'm sorry for your loss

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 11:08, Reply)

I really want a pasty now
I fucking love pasties.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 11:07, Reply)

they are good
general standards have fallen over the last few years though.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 11:07, Reply)

I avoid them
as I'm trying to get thinner. I had a roast chicken last night. It was lush, I'm making chicken soup tonight.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 11:10, Reply)

they are best avoided in that situation
I remember a friend telling me when she was doing weight watchers that a pasty was 18 points, which is pretty much your allowance for a whole day.

I tend to restrict them to after surfing.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 11:12, Reply)

Philps in Hayle
Best fucking pasty in the known world
( Peej, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 11:12, Reply)

ERROR
they are average.

same as anywhere that claims to have won awards for them. that includes most of the places in Padstow.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 11:13, Reply)

My mates nan makes the best pasties
FACT
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 11:15, Reply)

It is
but that's because your trying to crack one off over the thought of Monty Boyce
(Bazongaloid, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 11:06, Reply)

of all the people you could choose
you picked monty....
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 11:08, Reply)

It could be worse
could've been Monty Don
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 11:10, Reply)

It could have been
Charlie Dimmock
(Bazongaloid, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 11:10, Reply)

that would've been better

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 11:12, Reply)

According wo Wikipedia
her mum and stepdad were killed in the asian tsunami.

That's not very nice.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 11:16, Reply)

wo there

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 11:20, Reply)

wo

(Bazongaloid, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 11:24, Reply)

actually
wo is what she would have felt when informed that her mum and stepdad were dead
(Bazongaloid, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 11:24, Reply)

wo is Charlie :(

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 11:26, Reply)

no it's not
poor Charlie Dimmock
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 11:21, Reply)

What about people who say "Have you got any sweetener?
'Cos I'm on a diet y'see"
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 10:47, Reply)

This G&T phenominominominom
is nationwide it seems as everyone in my office does it too.
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 10:43, Reply)

Alcohol abuse is widespread.
I blame Gordon Clown.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 10:44, Reply)

When the woman next to me wishes to brag about one of her prick sons
She laughs hysterically to herself first. Then shakes her head. Then says "Honestly, ooooh, hahahah!" Cue more head-shaking.
I never take the bait but she launches into it anyway "Oooh, our Cockwipe, he's such a case he really is..."
Then proceeds to tell me he's bought a new flash car or got a new job or whatever. None of these things could ever be taken as amusing, but she's too self-conscious to openly brag. She pretends to think it's funny so she can tell me.
I hate it. Just boast, you stupid old cunt.
She was also telling me on Friday that she psychically knows that John Venables has stabbed someone who knows his true identity. "Because the evil is right IN him, Roota!"
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 10:43, Reply)

"Is it friday today"
"yes... all day"
lmao.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 10:46, Reply)

Or every Friday 13th
"oh my god somEthing bad will happen"
*knocks over paperclip pot*
"OH MY GOD THE END IS NIGH"
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 10:54, Reply)

You should move your paperclips
somewhere out the way of your typing area.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 10:57, Reply)

It's not me
I'm not allowed paperclips anymore
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 10:58, Reply)

I love how they have demonised that chap
and have decided that the public have the right to know everything he has ever done. I'm not saying he's a nice guy, but Jamies Bulgars mum needs to cheer up a bit, she always looks a right sour faced cow. It's been almost twenty years, I'm over my dog dying and that's only been about 10 years.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 10:47, Reply)

A girl I went to school with
has joined a Facebook group entitled "John Venables raped his own child and that's why he's back in prison".
With the subtext "The Sun aren't allowed to tell you this."
Mind you, when she was a kid she was part of the baying mob who screamed obscenities at a kid who was hauled in for questioning and had nothing to do with it.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 10:50, Reply)

The general public are a bunch of fucking scumbags
who would do worse than him if they thought they could get away with it. Bunch of cunts the lot of them. I remember when the Daily Star had it's "Name and Shame" campaign for peados and they put someones photo on the front page who had nothing to do with anything. The editor should have been publicly flogged and then hung for that.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 10:52, Reply)

They love it
They actually love all the disgusting details. THAT'S why they want to know what he did. They want to sit and enjoy it over a nice cuppa.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 11:02, Reply)

Didn't the aforementioned vigilante paedo-hunters
end up attacking a doctor after the Star (or was it News of the World?) mistakenly labelled a registered paediatrician as a paedophile?
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 11:11, Reply)

Yup
With screams of "she gives sweets to children after touching them"
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 11:13, Reply)

Not quite
news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/magazine/4719364.stm

But judging by some of the placards you see mis-spelling paedophile, it's not unlikely.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 11:14, Reply)

I had to laugh at the amount of effort that went into this one:

(Also one of the few with correct spelling, I notice...)
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 11:17, Reply)

The 'bunting' style makes it look rather appealing
As though it should be followed by more bunting, reading "for the lads".
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 11:19, Reply)

"Cor, I'd like a feel o' your paedos, love"

(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 11:21, Reply)

this also

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 11:28, Reply)

I wouldn't mind a feel of her peados
if she's offering
(Bazongaloid, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 11:30, Reply)

I like paedos

(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 11:32, Reply)

Best of all the animals.

(Bazongaloid, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 11:32, Reply)

Beast of all the sex offenders

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 11:34, Reply)

They are my (special) friends! (who I'm not supposed to tell mummy about)

(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 11:35, Reply)

If I had to get offended by any sex, it would be yours.

(Bazongaloid, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 11:47, Reply)

Mine personally?
Or females?
Becuse if it's females in general, that figures.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 11:51, Reply)

Whose?
Yvette Cloete?
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 11:33, Reply)

You mean
This one?
(Bazongaloid, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 11:35, Reply)

I can't see it
When I click that link it freezes my window...
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 11:42, Reply)

I think it's her facebook profile

(Bazongaloid, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 11:47, Reply)

Well there you go
I didn't know that.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 11:19, Reply)

This
What he did was fucking awful but people forget he was a kid when he did it. I saw one group with people saying he should be killed. They were 10. I asked some of these fine upstanding people if they could personally kill a 10 year old murderer and they all said yes.
( Peej, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 11:16, Reply)

It does mean that
these sketches, despite being absolutely fucking hilarious, have a disturbing ring of truth about them.
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 11:26, Reply)

I knew it was going to be monkey dust before I clicked on it
Classic.
( Peej, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 11:56, Reply)

We have a client in prison for murder
and he has a really quiet voice with a Geordie accent, whenever he rings it makes me think of the meatsafe murderer and I start snickering.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 12:12, Reply)

I only said I done it so they'd take me bell-end out of the chilli sauce!

(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 12:24, Reply)

You know it's a good office
when saying yes to the G&T actually gets you one.

I miss that job.
(bill, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 10:47, Reply)

when anyone of the devs sit at the receptionist's desk
I always say, "Finally got that promotion huh?". I am the funniest man alive.
( djtrialprice, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 10:53, Reply)

Awww man
I wish I worked with you, I'd never stop smiling.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 10:54, Reply)

bECAUSE YOU WOULD SPEND YOUR DAYS
torturing the guy?

Yeah my cap lock was stuck on and I'm too lazy to retype. Get over it
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 10:56, Reply)

I'm over it faster than you got over that dose of ghonnorea

(Bazongaloid, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 10:56, Reply)

pft
ghonnorea doesn't stand a chance with SuperVag
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 10:57, Reply)

I heard it got lost and starved to death in there

(Bazongaloid, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 11:05, Reply)

No it got lost
and Chuck Norris ate it.
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 11:08, Reply)

Morning all!
One of the stupid office comments that really gets on my tits is when I sit at someone elses desk to help them out with something and every clever dick that wanders past says ‘oh [insert name of bloke who's desk it actually is] you’re looking good, have you changed your haircut or something, you look more feminine than usual’ – arf arf fucking arf.
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Mon 8 Mar 2010, 11:48, Reply)

I'm writing all these down,
I'm going to be the office clown, EVERYONE WILL LOVE ME THEN
(PsychoChomp, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 11:51, Reply)

OMG
You will be like totally the best most loved person in the ENTIRE office. People will save all the best biscuits for you and they'll make you a cuppa before you arrive in the morning. They'll also give you vast sums of cash and all sign your birthday card when it swings around the office - you will be their GOD!*

*disclaimer - the above may not actually occur
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Mon 8 Mar 2010, 11:56, Reply)

It will occur, it must!
I also want people to offer to drive to get me lunch and refuse my offer of money.

How was your weekend dmj?
(PsychoChomp, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 11:58, Reply)

All these things will happen in time!
My weekend was good thank you, spent time at DiT's mums and took her out for dinner for her birthday and did a bit of shopping - twas good thank you!

How was yours?
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Mon 8 Mar 2010, 12:03, Reply)

I watched Ninja assasin,
it was enjoyably rubbish. That's about it.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 12:05, Reply)

Ooooh ninja assasin, it sounds good but also bad... hmmm.
I made DiT watch The Replacements, which I love! :D
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Mon 8 Mar 2010, 12:07, Reply)

Is that the Keanu Reeves film?
or the disney series?
(Bazongaloid, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 12:09, Reply)

Lots of people being cut in half with swords and stuff.
Very gory.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 12:15, Reply)

Morning Flim!
To be fair, you do have more than a passing resemblance to Darren from Accounts.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 11:52, Reply)

Fuck Darren from accounts
Stupid gurning twat!! :(

Also hello lovely!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Mon 8 Mar 2010, 11:54, Reply)

Morrrnin!
I have to do an online training session at 12.30. I'm clueless and it looks boring.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 11:56, Reply)

Boooo and hiss
Make paper planes and doodle, you'll be okay! :D
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Mon 8 Mar 2010, 11:57, Reply)

I bloody well shall!

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 11:58, Reply)

People who say "Hello there you... CUNT..", "Alright there you shit stained badger fart breath" and verious things like that.
I mean the one-word 'cunt' or 'slag' thing is worst, because it shows no imagination what so ever. You know for a fact they've never called anyone a cunt/slag/bastard/whatever in anything but a friendly way before, even less behind their back.

But then it's even worst for a random mashing of swares and animals, it's like they're trying, but failing.

I'm not insulted by it or anything like that, I just think most of the time it reminds me of public school boys or people who have family "that have been to eaton" and "I would have gotten into oxford if I didn't get mashed, hahah" and by 'mashed', they mean serveraly spiral down into a hole of addiction and dependancy, excelerated by paranoia and depression.... rather than having fun.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 11:49, Reply)

i like to say 'Ello fishface'
Or "Alright Shithead?"
And I didn't go to Eton, and also have called several people a cunt to their face and meant it.
Don't hate on me Gonz.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 11:54, Reply)

I think it's not the calling it that I don't like, it's the little knowing smirk that comes afterwards, do you do that bit?
I say things like "Hello georgous", "Hello Fabulous" and "Alright stunning" in a similar fassion, but that's secretly because I want to sleep with them.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 12:13, Reply)

Oh, 'ello Stupendious ! How you doing?

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 12:16, Reply)