Hello chaps
I'm turning thirty in a couple of months time and I've been getting quite into gardening. I've torn up my garden and planted vegetables everywhere. I'm even thinking of putting my name down for an allotment. So it would appear that time is biting hard and I've thoroughly left my reckless youth behind.

On the plus side, due to my new middle-aged hobbies, I'm building up some killer guns for the first time in my life. What double-edged swords have you been twatted with recently?
( Kroney, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 12:01, 58 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

You're as young as you feel.
I'm 34 and I still feel like I'm in my mid-twenties, despite having a teenage daughter.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 12:15, Reply)

How old is she?

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 12:49, Reply)

my band is starting to be appreciated by hot girls
I'm far from single so can't enjoy it
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 12:16, Reply)

Feel your pain
I've been DJing my night for nearly ten years and not once have I taken advantage of a nubile, willing and flexible young woman. Some of the offers I've had recently are from women born in the 90's for god's sakes. So unfair.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 12:17, Reply)

not sure what was worse
only having guitar geeks coming up to talk to me, or having hot chicks come up and then get disapproving looks from the mrs
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 12:21, Reply)

The latter is worse
The former involves a degree of hero worship that won't get you a sex ban. It is a well known fact amongst women that if your boyfriend is talking to a moderately attractive woman she is one raised eyebrow away from fellating him
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 12:23, Reply)

true
annoying really. I went through a very long period where this sort of thing would have been very useful, and through that time playing the guitar got me nowhere...
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 12:26, Reply)

It's always the way
I had no luck with girls until six weeks before leaving my home town to come to Uni. Then I went and bloody well fell in love spent four years in a long-distance relationship turning down poon left (right and centre would be exaggerating)
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 12:29, Reply)

Boo fucking hoo
lets all feel sorry for mr yeah I'm going to be fucking smug about being in a relationship and even fucking smugger that hot girls are all lusting after me, although less smug about the fact I live in Exeter and if you don't have gills you're classified as hot
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 13:00, Reply)

In response to your sig
I've recently rediscovered the music of the Stone Roses, having been completely unmoved by it the first time around, the downside to this being that I'm determined to work out what the fuck Brown's on about with his lyrics and am thus far failing miserably
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 12:16, Reply)

I've just discovered Gomez
which fortunately aren't fronted by an incoherent neanderthal.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 12:18, Reply)

What happened to them?
I never really investigated them despite being charmed by Whippin' Picadilly
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 12:20, Reply)

they're still about
I know a surprising number of people who have got pissed with them
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 12:21, Reply)

Or people who claimed to be them
Which would explain why the number is surprising
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 12:24, Reply)

it was after gigs, so I'm sure they can be trusted to recognise the people
trustworthy sources too

by surprising I mean about 8 people in two different incidents
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 12:25, Reply)

Absolutely
I don't know anyone who's got so wasted at a gig as to make coherent recognition a fool's errand
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 12:26, Reply)

They're not about anything
they are just gibberish mutterings of a monkeyfaced cunt. John Squire can play a mean guitar though. I think Second Coming is much better than Stone Roses.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 12:23, Reply)

In those first two sentences
I think you may have summed the Roses up perfectly, from my fledgling knowledge of them
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 12:24, Reply)

John Squire's band The Seahorses were utter shite though.
Avoid.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 13:37, Reply)

A Claymore

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 12:19, Reply)

This year I am growing
Courgettes and Beetroot. I have also just scarified and overseeded my lawn.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 12:26, Reply)

courgettes are one of the most rewarding things to grow in my experience
because you get so many of the bastards

last year I grew butternut squash. I got 2 enormous squash and a plant that took over most of the known world.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 12:28, Reply)

I'm starting on courgettes this year
and I'll try something more tricky next year. Last year I grew onions. They were pointless. I also grew garlic, which didn't really get very big, though I think they're still in the shed.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 12:29, Reply)

I've got garlic on the go at the moment, which is doing ok
the tastiest things were probably the baby gem lettuce and the carrots.

hugely successful aubergines too

I'm thinking of having a pop at growing some strawberries this year, the really small ones that will grow anywhere.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 12:32, Reply)

When do you plant squash for best results?
Ms Foxtrot bloody loves them. To present her with a huge squash I'd grown myself would probably get me a Dutch Rudder at the very least
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 12:30, Reply)

considering I only got 2 squash from an enormous plant
I'm not sure when you grow them for best effect...
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 12:32, Reply)

Touche
You're right about courgettes being prolific. I might grow a fuckload, put them in Mr Potato Head shoes, paint eyes on them and line them up outside my housemate's bedroom door
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 12:35, Reply)

sounds like an excellent plan

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 12:39, Reply)

I could really do with a housemate who smokes much more dope though

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 12:44, Reply)

everyone could

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 12:51, Reply)

But if everyone got them
there would be less dope for us
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 12:53, Reply)

that's true

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 12:58, Reply)

Unless...
surely there's a solution involving the current subject matter in respect of using our gardens to grow things... how is dope made again?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 12:59, Reply)

ummmmm....like.....errr
doesn't it like....grow...in the ground....or something
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 13:00, Reply)

Dude!
That's an awesome idea! Why has no-one else thought of growing their own?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 13:08, Reply)

Sweet!
I dunno! you would like never run out!
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 13:16, Reply)

If everyone did that
there'd be no need for anyone to do anything ever
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 13:28, Reply)

you don't plant squash
you buy it

robinson's lemon barley water is my favourite
( mictoboy shitting in your cunt since, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 12:34, Reply)

Sow in pots/trays inside at the end of april/start of may
keep inside until the plants are too big to manage (this way they should survive piss poor british summer & slugs), then plant outside and watch them take over your garden.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 12:35, Reply)

Excellent
Thank you. If this does not work I shall blame you and post my piss-poor attempts at vegetables to your house, strapped to some frozen compost and a G4 record by way of vengeance
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 12:43, Reply)

Just like last year, this year I shall grow
Runner beans - because they're easy
Pumpkins - so I can make jack-o-lanterns for halloween
Sweet Corn - Because it's tasty
and Sunflowers - because they're pretty
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 12:32, Reply)

Beans are great
we grew beans up two bits of trellis, but they kept going so we strung wires between the trellis and grew them along there too.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 12:36, Reply)

Ha! Your monster beans will destroy us all!
I chop them when they get to the top of the bean poles.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 12:39, Reply)

What kind of beans?

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 12:39, Reply)

Purple ones

(Bazongaloid, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 12:54, Reply)

Whut???

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 12:57, Reply)

Purple beans
they are big and knobbly and purple, but when you ccok them they turn green. They are delicious
(Bazongaloid, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 13:16, Reply)

Now my back yard has been finished, (no eupehmism), I'm going to try growing some erbs.
Not the naughty kind.

And I shall be 45 in a few months. I really don't know how I feel about that.
( girlinthehole, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 12:35, Reply)

You must feel 'old' surely?

(Ethelred is watching cheese grow, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 13:27, Reply)

my idea of gardening is buying a packet of seeds and tossing them wherever I feel
there's still violets growing in my mum's front yard from where I tossed them around at the age of 13.
( Lisette von Falcon, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 12:42, Reply)

Go tossing a lot, do we, eh?

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 12:43, Reply)

not lately :(

( Lisette von Falcon, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 12:47, Reply)

I actually think this sounds brilliant in both a filthy and a non-filthy way

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 12:44, Reply)

it's pointless because they get chopped by the lawnmower
I guess it's fun in a whimsical sort of way.
( Lisette von Falcon, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 12:48, Reply)

If you didn't like your neighbours
you could sow seeds to spell "TWAT" with an arrow underneath pointing at their garden
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 12:51, Reply)

oh man, I may have to get a window box and do that
you're a genius
( Lisette von Falcon, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 12:55, Reply)

*links to Facebook page*
Thank you kindly
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 12:57, Reply)

pfft ...twatted

(Mrs N is having her blobstrop on, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 13:26, Reply)