I'm going to Cornwall this weekend
and will probably have to meet Vipros at some point.

What is the best way to deal with smug bastards?

Alternatively as the QOTW has resorted to just asking titles of TV shows, what TV show would you like to be in?
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 29 Mar 2010, 10:17, 55 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

It didn't work.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 29 Mar 2010, 10:18, Reply)

I bet
it

did

a

little
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 29 Mar 2010, 10:19, Reply)

nope, I'm in generally good mood,
Applying for a Visa to visit the us will stop that soon.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 29 Mar 2010, 10:21, Reply)

You don't need a visa
unless you're going for a long time, if it's only a short holiday you just fill in your passport details on a website and get a Electronic Travel Authority thing.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 29 Mar 2010, 10:23, Reply)

Are you being helpful?
Are you ill?
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 29 Mar 2010, 10:23, Reply)

Yes, they still call it a visa, and i haven't got my passport number to hand so it'll have to wait until tomorrow.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 29 Mar 2010, 10:24, Reply)

And when you get to the security desks, just tell them to fuck off as your British and prefer to live in a country with a free health service.

( girlinthehole, Mon 29 Mar 2010, 10:25, Reply)

Also, when they look at your bag
laugh and say "It's alright, I don't have a bomb in there!"
(Bazongaloid, Mon 29 Mar 2010, 10:29, Reply)

Also when they ask you to go in the full body scanner
shout "I HAVE NO SHAME!" strip off in front of them and do the YMCA dance.
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 29 Mar 2010, 10:31, Reply)

Thwacking your cock against the guys doing the scans also gets you on their good side.

(Bazongaloid, Mon 29 Mar 2010, 10:32, Reply)

Take him a croissant
and a napkin to wipe his beardy face afterwards.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 29 Mar 2010, 10:18, Reply)

I would like to be a corpse on The Bill

But now it's been cancelled so I'll never achieve my dreams
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 29 Mar 2010, 10:21, Reply)

Just keep calling him Monty.

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Mon 29 Mar 2010, 10:21, Reply)

I'd like to be on University Challenge.
I could sit there looking pretty and answer all the questions on popular culture.

Just get Vipros stoned and draw a monocle and Poirot tache on his face
( girlinthehole, Mon 29 Mar 2010, 10:22, Reply)

HA!

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 29 Mar 2010, 10:24, Reply)

my actual moustache would get in the way of having one drawn on I'm afraid
and you'd have to get me monstrously stoned to be able to draw a monocle on me without resistance
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 29 Mar 2010, 10:25, Reply)

Mastermind
I've already applied.

Also, I would have quite liked to be in Big Brother at some point. I think a b3tan would have been a brilliant addition.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 29 Mar 2010, 10:25, Reply)

What's your specialist subject?

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 29 Mar 2010, 10:27, Reply)

The effect of Green Day songs on a persons soul

(Bazongaloid, Mon 29 Mar 2010, 10:28, Reply)

Famous transvestites in history.

( girlinthehole, Mon 29 Mar 2010, 10:29, Reply)

You have to pick 4
I picked Final Fantasy VII, The Battle Of Stalingrad, Redwall Series of Books, and WWF: The Attitude Era - 1997-2001
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 29 Mar 2010, 10:31, Reply)

Keane: why they aren't shit

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 29 Mar 2010, 10:34, Reply)

I applied for the second series of Big Brother, I got called in for a group audtion,
I didn't go.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 29 Mar 2010, 10:34, Reply)

What on earth were you thinking?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 29 Mar 2010, 10:35, Reply)

I was a drunk teenager, I was probably thinking about breasts.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 29 Mar 2010, 10:37, Reply)

did you have to send in a video with your application?
if so, was yours incredibly waki?
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 29 Mar 2010, 10:35, Reply)

Yes, no not really, it was only the second series it hadn't got so waki

(PsychoChomp, Mon 29 Mar 2010, 10:38, Reply)

that's not so bad
would've been far worse if not only had you thought it'd be a good idea to go on one recently, but that you'd been selected for audition. That'd be a sign that you should change your life.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 29 Mar 2010, 10:40, Reply)

change end
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 29 Mar 2010, 10:42, Reply)

HE'S ENCOURAGING SUICIDE HERE! HELP, I NEED AN ADULT

(PsychoChomp, Mon 29 Mar 2010, 10:44, Reply)

good luck finding one

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 29 Mar 2010, 10:44, Reply)

sounds like a job for....GREEN DAY!

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 29 Mar 2010, 10:46, Reply)

I'd like to be in The Prisoner

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 29 Mar 2010, 10:35, Reply)

you're just going to have to wait for him to drop the soap

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 29 Mar 2010, 10:36, Reply)

*chuckles grudgingly*

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 29 Mar 2010, 10:37, Reply)

I heard they are remaking this!
ooh Ian Mckellen is in it!
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 29 Mar 2010, 10:46, Reply)

Really?
It might not be fucking terrible then. Still no way on earth it will be as good as the original.

Why don't they remake shit things and make them better?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 29 Mar 2010, 11:03, Reply)

As long as they don't
Hitchhike* it I reckon it should be pretty good

*Hitchhike - Where you totally disregard any and all decription or previous visual versions and decide that making everything round and cute looking is the way forward.
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 29 Mar 2010, 11:07, Reply)

It is unfortunately
it was so bad that I resented the bandwidth I used downloading the first two episodes.
(bill, Mon 29 Mar 2010, 12:30, Reply)

I'm dead excited about meeting you all.
And telling you all to "Get orf my land!" Seriously, locals only round ere so fuck orf!
( Peej, Mon 29 Mar 2010, 10:40, Reply)

is my New Devon Army sticker on the car going to cause me problems

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 29 Mar 2010, 10:40, Reply)

You'll probably get away with getting your windscreen surfboard waxed.
If you're lucky
( Peej, Mon 29 Mar 2010, 10:48, Reply)

hah
the joke will be on them, as my car is filthy on the outside, full of surfboard wax and sand on the inside and I have several things specifically for removing wax from stuff.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 29 Mar 2010, 11:06, Reply)

I've painted a cornwall flag on the roof of my car
I've also replaced my car with a tractor.
And married my cousin.

I'm going to fit in just fine
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 29 Mar 2010, 10:46, Reply)

I work with a guy who actually married his cousin
he has webbed feet and so do his kids.
( Peej, Mon 29 Mar 2010, 10:48, Reply)

I have at least 3 TV appearances to my name
The first one was during my work experience, when a group of people came into the lab to film a couple of bits for some documentary about forensic science or something. I was on the other side of the room filing samples in boxes when they asked if I could sit at one of the lab benches with some samples and "look busy in the background" whilst some presenter dressed herself up in a lab coat and goggles and prattled at the camera for 10 seconds about something or other.

The other two appearances were less exciting but were at least seen by friends and family: my magnificent hair has led to me being spotted in the audience at the filming of an edition of Have I Got News For You and, more recently, University Challenge.
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 29 Mar 2010, 10:42, Reply)

I was on Irish TV once
'scratching' for an 'electro band' at the Guinness Jazz Festival. We had a 'crew' of 'b-boys' doing 'break-dancing' too.

It was 'excellent'.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 29 Mar 2010, 10:44, Reply)

Did your magnificent hair not draw all the attention
away from the electronic keyboard ensemble and casually attired modern dancing troupe?
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 29 Mar 2010, 10:48, Reply)

I fear that it may have.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 29 Mar 2010, 10:49, Reply)

I had feared that my hair would draw all the attention from the panellists on HIGNFY
But Michael Winner was on the panel, so naturally everybody's attention was focussed quite squarely on the 'hilariously witty public figure' that is he.
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 29 Mar 2010, 11:09, Reply)

I was on TV when John Major came to visit my school.

( Peej, Mon 29 Mar 2010, 10:49, Reply)

I was on telly in the seventies.
It was a kids music programme and Dana was on. Woo!
( girlinthehole, Mon 29 Mar 2010, 10:54, Reply)

the my
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 29 Mar 2010, 10:59, Reply)

I am allowed to ban people from my B3ta bash you know.

( girlinthehole, Mon 29 Mar 2010, 11:10, Reply)

I was the keyboardist for Roxy Music when they played "Do the strand" on The Old Grey Whistle Test.
No wait...that was Brian Eno. I've never been on TV.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 29 Mar 2010, 11:04, Reply)