I just got my wedding invite from Al and its made me go a little teary
First off I had to pay £1.19 to get it as he buggered up the postage - I'll take it back in bacon though - then I got a papercut on the knuckle of my thumb as I was trying to undo it. It's an extremely stylish origami type hinese finger dragon affair and I'm not ashamed to say it made me grin like a loon when I saw it.

What's made you a little misty eyed lately?

Alt Q, who is the biggest cunt here and why?
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 12:04, 95 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I got a new smartphone a couple of days back
It's the first I've ever owned, so it's making me really happy. I mean, the screen's so much larger now that I can take truly huge pictures of my penis!
( Kroney, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 12:07, Reply)

I don't cry, my heart is made of stone and pumps bile.
No one on here is a cunt, they're all down to earth, amusing people with valid opinions.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 12:08, Reply)

where's the mouseover?

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 12:21, Reply)

I don't think that really needs one does it?

(PsychoChomp, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 12:22, Reply)

because it's so honest

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 12:24, Reply)

Q1: My eyelashes.
I have a freaky condition known as floppy eyelid syndrome and my eyelashes curl down and in over. this causes my vision to go all blurry at times.

Q2: that's obvious, innit? It's Al.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Mon 12 Apr 2010, 12:10, Reply)

That's known as entropian. Any vet could sort that out for you
You just cut out the excess skin using two small cuts and then stitch it back together!
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 12:16, Reply)

Yeah, I know.
However it's potentially linked with the obstructive sleep apnea I also have been diagnosed with and the consultant wants to try a few things first before resorting to surgery.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Mon 12 Apr 2010, 12:22, Reply)

How are your eyes linked to it?
I'd have thought it'd be more your oesophagus and lungs
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 12:26, Reply)

It can be linked to weight gain
and smoking. I have put on a bit of weight over the last year or so, and this corresponds roughly with when I started having the eyelid problems; the sleep apnea can cause weight gain and FES is often the result of putting on some weight.

I thought the consultant was taking the piss (it was April 1st, too) but i've since read up a bit and no, he isn't. So the first stage is to try and get a bit of weight off and stop smoking. Sometimes the condition can reverse itself, hence the reluctance to do a surgical procedure until other avenues are explored.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Mon 12 Apr 2010, 12:33, Reply)

Bugger, well I hope it all works out for you alright m'dear

( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 12:52, Reply)

Cheers.
It's a massive pain in the arse, I must say.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Mon 12 Apr 2010, 12:57, Reply)

That would definitely affect the quality of my sleep.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 13:22, Reply)

Didn't seem to in Cornwall

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 13:23, Reply)

Edited for typo!

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Mon 12 Apr 2010, 13:30, Reply)

*shakes fist*
Now I don't look sharp and witty!
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 13:32, Reply)

That's because I dreamed about you talking.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 13:31, Reply)

Are you attempting to say
I am boring?
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 13:35, Reply)

Not really, I totally dreamed about your tits.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 13:37, Reply)

So THAT's what the noise like a seagull in a binbag was.

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 13:44, Reply)

Haha yes, busted.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 13:47, Reply)

Most people do
I dream about Clendrix's boobs
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 13:44, Reply)

Al is a cunt for not inviting me to his wedding

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 12:11, Reply)

My thoughts exactly
his wedding will suck without us though so it's his loss.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 12:12, Reply)

See?
Cunt, pure and simple.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Mon 12 Apr 2010, 12:14, Reply)

I don't think you invited me to your wedding either.
Neither did DiT.

Wow you are all a bunch of cunts
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 12:15, Reply)

Or maybe you're a cunt, that's why they don't invite you.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 12:16, Reply)

That is looking more likely
:(
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 12:17, Reply)

You're not invited to mine either

( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 12:17, Reply)

ha
no one will ever marry you
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 12:17, Reply)

That's harsh
I'm sure that there are thousands of people that would marry becky
(PsychoChomp, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 12:20, Reply)

ha ha what a hilarious mouseover.
it's pretty pointless doing this if no one is going to notice
(PsychoChomp, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 12:32, Reply)

mouseover?
cunt
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 12:41, Reply)

I'm sorry, you must think I'm the biggest cunt here.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 12:53, Reply)

I wouldn't give you that title

( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 13:04, Reply)

Possibly the nicest thing you've ever said to me.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 13:05, Reply)

I did notice
And thought it was hilarious
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 12:41, Reply)

That's fair enough.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 12:48, Reply)

sobs

( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 12:21, Reply)

But she smells of blood, poo and vomit.
How could anyone not love her?
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Mon 12 Apr 2010, 12:24, Reply)

To be fair
We didn't know you IRL then. And you (along with many others) shared our honeymoon.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Mon 12 Apr 2010, 12:20, Reply)

Yeah
I suppose sleeping with your wife makes up for the lack of invite
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 12:26, Reply)

I am
And realising this.
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 12:12, Reply)

This made me teary.
I laughed so much. I saw it and thought of all the cock gazzers.

www.explosm.net/comics/2009/

I don't know about biggest but I'm certainly the laziest.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Mon 12 Apr 2010, 12:23, Reply)

that is
fucking hilarious.
(bamboozled Can hear you getting fatter, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 12:29, Reply)

That's fucking pissed me right off
We sent one through the post to ourselves to check if the postage would work and it came through with no problems, those fucking cunts at Royal Mail ought to learn a bit of consistency. Fucking arseholes.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 12:25, Reply)

It's not a problem, I'll just take it back in bacon tasties :)
Thank you and yes I accept x
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 12:27, Reply)

Maybe the picture of your cock you put in Becky's
puched it over the limit
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 12:28, Reply)

A friend of mine was going to name his child after me (which made me feel some sort of emotion)
but a recent scan has shown that the little bastard is going to be a girl, so it aint gonna happen.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 12:30, Reply)

what about 'Colonella?'

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 13:32, Reply)

Might as well call the kid
Anal Warrior.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Mon 12 Apr 2010, 13:52, Reply)

I got a little misty eyed when I realised that al will be getting married, and my heart will be forever broken.
Also, as to the second question, it's clearly one of the shady clique of b3tans who pick posts apart just to have a go at someone online, on the internet.
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 12:35, Reply)

Are you saying that people that pick posts apart are black?
You horrific racist. You're worse than Clendrix and Vipros combined.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 12:39, Reply)

I can vouch for that

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 12:41, Reply)

ha Clendros
or Viprix
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 12:41, Reply)

Clendos would
have massive curly hair and curly beards!
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 12:43, Reply)

that'd be incredible

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 12:45, Reply)

Clendos
sounds like a dirtier and much seedier version of a fast food chain that specialises in peri-peri chicken...
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 14:01, Reply)

The shadiest of the shadies

( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 12:42, Reply)

This will make you laugh
I was watching the Arsenal Barcelona game with mrs al a couple of weeks ago, and Thierry Henry came on, and Barcelona all had roll neck yellow shirts on. Mrs al pointed out (not unreasonably as it happens) that Thierry Henry wearing a roll neck shirt looks a bit like Lewis Hamilton (when wearing his race gear).

At which point I turned to her and said "What, because they're both black, are you saying they all look the same!?" and she got really confused before I started laughing at her.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 12:48, Reply)

Ahahahahahaahhaaha nice :)

( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 12:53, Reply)

Is your missus taking your surname after you get married?
Because it will cost £77.50 to get her passport changed, the fucking robdogs. £100+ if you want to do it fasttrack.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Mon 12 Apr 2010, 13:00, Reply)

Yeah she is
but not the moment we are married, or that would bugger up our honeymoon plans. Her passport runs out in a couple of years anyway.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 13:03, Reply)

Fair enough
We booked our holiday a few months ago then realised we'd booked the tickets in Tourette's married name while her passport is still in her maiden name. Fucksocks.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Mon 12 Apr 2010, 13:04, Reply)

Remember
torn up toilet paper makes a great cheap alternative to confetti
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 12:37, Reply)

Just make sure
not to wipe your arse with it first.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 12:53, Reply)

Between now and the wedding
On every fine saturday go to your local civic centre or town hall and sweep up other peoples confetti. You can sell the surplus.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Mon 12 Apr 2010, 12:53, Reply)

ha
you should write into to Take A Break's handy tip section.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 13:12, Reply)

Or if you get sunburnt before the wedding,
you can throw the bits of skin you peel off.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 13:21, Reply)

that is revolting

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 13:31, Reply)

Everything makes me misty eyed
I'm like Tiny Tears. But at least I don't fake my tears like a crocodile.

And I'd like to think of us as one giant collective cunt mass.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 12:54, Reply)

Yeah. like one of those uber rat things.
With all their tails entwined. Except in this case it'll be raggedy pubes.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Mon 12 Apr 2010, 12:58, Reply)

Ooh, I do feel like lunch now :)

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 12:59, Reply)

I was out with a mate this weekend
Talking about his stag do. He's not sure what's going on yet, but will let me know.

He then says "Oh, by the way, the missus wants you to know you're invited to her hen night". I was quite shocked, and asked why.

Turns out I was the first person to be mates with both of them, rather than one followed by the other. Felt rather privileged.

And the biggest cunt? Recently, the amount of abuse heading my way suggests that it's me...
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 13:05, Reply)

Jesus Al.
That doesn't leave me much time to shag you senseless and make you realise what a big mistake your making marrying someone else.
( girlinthehole, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 13:15, Reply)

Shagging Al senseless?
There's a dangerous implication there.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Mon 12 Apr 2010, 13:19, Reply)

I can't help it.
His resemblance to Jeff Bridges is astonishing.
( girlinthehole, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 13:29, Reply)

Nah, the dangerous bit is the implication he has sense in the first place.

(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Mon 12 Apr 2010, 13:39, Reply)

When I babysat my nipper a couple of months ago
and she started crying in her sleep, so I picked her up and, still almost fast asleep, she just sighed 'Daddy' and promptly went back to sleep again.

Alt Q: me, for the above reply.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 13:50, Reply)

I'm filling up, Tommy. Filling up.

(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Mon 12 Apr 2010, 13:51, Reply)

How was she still fast asleep
but then went back to sleep again?
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 13:54, Reply)

I bet it never happened
it was just a drug induced halucination.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 14:01, Reply)

I haven't even got a kid.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 14:04, Reply)

haha
I mean haha, that was funny, not haha you have no kids
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 14:08, Reply)

what a hilarious mouseover

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 14:25, Reply)

haha
I hate you so much, so much of the time
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 14:28, Reply)

Cutting edge stuff, isn't it?
I think she should be applauded
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 14:47, Reply)

now that is good

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 15:00, Reply)

I read The Last Song last week.
misty eyed is not quite the word for it, more like rain clouds invaded my eyes.
( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 13:55, Reply)

m.youtube.com/watch?desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3D64a_1fWTsls&v=64a_1fWTsls&gl=US
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 13:59, Reply)

fail

( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 14:01, Reply)

m.assetbar.com/achewood/uua2mp3dR
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 14:30, Reply)

That is just wrong.
*Laughs like a mong*
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Mon 12 Apr 2010, 14:40, Reply)

Good work, Pam Ayres.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 14:48, Reply)

Oh, Oi wish Oi'd looked arfter me beef...
Or whatever it was.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Mon 12 Apr 2010, 15:08, Reply)