Today I get to show my former boss how to handle our new operating system
She left to pop out a sprog and is coming back part-time at my level. Which gives me a dilemma. Do I try to appear professional an' that or do I speak to her in the way I would any other member of staff - along the lines of "Get us a coffee love, and then I'll show you how we try to keep ourselves from going mental using this piece of shit they installed after you fucked off to evacuate your womb"

Your thoughts, please
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 8:08, 111 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Sorry, I appear to have killed OT

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 8:19, Reply)

Be professional
But make it clear that you're teaching her, and so you are the one with the upper hand.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 8:20, Reply)

Makes perfect sense
But I have so little enthusiasm for my job at the minute, or respect for those at the top, that it'll be very difficult to maintain a semblance of professional pride.

Plus she's got fantastic tits
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 8:23, Reply)

So then...
Pretend to concentrate on the screen.

While you're actually ogling her tits.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 8:33, Reply)

Works for me
If I keep the screen dark and her positioned correctly maybe I can see their reflection throughout
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 8:34, Reply)

IT'S ALIVE!!

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 8:28, Reply)

I'm attempting CPR
Seems to be having some effect.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 8:34, Reply)

I should have gone back to work today
but I celebrated feeling better a little too hard last night so one more day of sick leave, I think.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 8:35, Reply)

I have work to do and puppies to play with, (unfortunately not my own).
Be professional throughout.

I have spoken.
( girlinthehole, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 8:39, Reply)

What do you mean, not your own?
I thought we'd covered this yesterday...
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 8:40, Reply)

Yeah, confusing me like that.
I had a cry.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 8:41, Reply)

Sorry
It's not like me to make grown men cry.

Well, unless it's with laughter when I make an arse of myself.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 8:44, Reply)

Not you, BGB.
I said she had a puppy rather than a man....blah blah blah.
She responded with a "?"
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 8:49, Reply)

Ah, I see.
I'd forgotten.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 8:50, Reply)

Morning All
Get her a black coffee to be nice. Then tell her there was no milk, and suggest she expresses some for you both.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 8:40, Reply)

^POTD
It's early doors though, don't get too excited
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 8:43, Reply)

I'll try not to

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 8:47, Reply)

Rest assured you've been entered into the draw

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 8:48, Reply)

draw Governess' prize-winning goat
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 8:50, Reply)

Far be it from me to pimp myself,
but you could click it. I haven't been on the popular page for ages.

God this is embarrasing.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 8:51, Reply)

Done. And well deserved
Now go to page 15 of QOTW and click the fuck out of the piss-poor half-arsed post I wrote yesterday when I was bored which took considerably less effort or ingenuity than your aforementioned effort. That seems fair. No it doesn't. Ooh the coffee has kicked in!
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 8:58, Reply)

There is no fairness in clickage.
Well written volumes count for nought. Hitting the spirit of the minute is what counts.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 9:10, Reply)

It really is.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 9:26, Reply)

Sometimes you come across really well, like a nice guy with lots of friends and high self-esteem.
Other times, like today, you come across as a bit of a penis. I'm fully aware I'm guilty of this too.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 8:52, Reply)

That was remarkably analytical for this time on a Thursday
I'll admit I'm in a spectacularly facetious mood today and will happily apologise for any outward displays of penis-ness. The root of it is that my work is really pissing me off and there's nowt else out there that I actually want to do, so am facing up to being unhappy either way. And now my requests for recognition by way of increased responsibilities have been rewarded by the prospect of trying to train one of the most patronising, superior women I've ever met.

Hopefully with the backstory I appear a little less knobby. And I'm glad that on occasion I come across well :-)
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 8:57, Reply)

Don't get me wrong, I like it.
It was more a public service announcement.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 9:00, Reply)

You like my penis?
EDIT: I'm flattered either way
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 9:03, Reply)

I don't like your penis more than I like any other penis, including my own penis.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 9:04, Reply)

Perhaps we should compile a list of penises and rate them
Or maybe a website. Ratemypenis.com. I'm sure no-one's thought of that.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 9:08, Reply)

Aw, it doesn't exist.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 9:11, Reply)

Seriously?!
There's a ratemypoo.com! How has no-one thought to apply the same principle to penises?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 9:15, Reply)

I can't work out if you're being deadpan or simple.

( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 9:34, Reply)

You're being a bender again, Foxtrot.
Stop it.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 9:18, Reply)

Make me
And that's DARTH Foxtrot to you, Junior
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 9:20, Reply)

'Make me'
has not helped your 'I'm not being a bender again' case, Foxtrot.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 9:24, Reply)

On this occasion
at no point have I said I'm not being a bender
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 9:34, Reply)

Ha fair enough.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 9:37, Reply)

If you stopped putting smileys in your posts you might look like slightly less of a penis.

( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 9:05, Reply)

Is this one of those B3ta taboos that I'm not yet familiar with?
Or has the whole internet decided that smiley's are for tweens and dickheads? Either is entirely possible. I am not a man with my finger on the pulse
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 9:07, Reply)

Smileys are like lol
Quietly forbidden.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 9:09, Reply)

Noted
Stopping now. Thanks for the heads up.

(The restraint! Observe the restraint!)
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 9:13, Reply)

quietsly loudly
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 9:19, Reply)

Do my eyes deceive me
or have you mis-spelt "quietly" beneath the strikethrough?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 9:23, Reply)

I have. But I've crossed it out, Foxtrot.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 9:24, Reply)

It's less of a taboo and more that it seems ingratiating, annoying and slightly retarded.

( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 9:09, Reply)

The whole internet/world I'm afriad
unless you are younger than 16 and female.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 9:10, Reply)

You said 'tween' again
What a cock.
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 9:18, Reply)

Greengrocers' apostrophes
are also VERBOTEN.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 9:21, Reply)

How's your penis?

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 9:08, Reply)

He's at work.

( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 9:10, Reply)

How's the kitchen going?

(Bazongaloid, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 9:10, Reply)

Still a building site.
It's being built by the father of a b3tan though, so it's going to rock.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 9:12, Reply)

Is Kaols dad doing it?

(Bazongaloid, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 9:13, Reply)

Close - Mel's dad.

( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 9:14, Reply)

Dressed to the right

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 9:10, Reply)

If he changed his horrifically ugly face
he would look slightly less of a penis.

But then his girlfriend might leave him. She only sleeps with men she feels superior too. But I'm happy with that as it means I get to have sex with her.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 9:10, Reply)

Al!
I've missed you. Your one-note humour regarding my repugnant physical appearance is truly the Mourinho to my unrelentingly optimistic Guardiola; technically inferior yet ultimately triumphant
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 9:12, Reply)

I love it when people properly enter into the spirit of this site.
When I do this with Cave Duck he gets all stroppy
(Bazongaloid, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 9:13, Reply)

Took me a while but now I think I get it
The turning point was when you said something along the lines of "This doesn't mean we can't be friends, it's just that I'm going to continually point out how ugly you are". For some reason I absolutely pissed myself at that and subsequently have taken the barrage of abuse in much better spirit
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 9:16, Reply)

I'm surprised your not used to it
I would have thought people would point and shout at you on the street like you're the new John Merrick
(Bazongaloid, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 9:17, Reply)

*You're
What a cock, al.
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 9:20, Reply)

I was so close, I got one of them right

(Bazongaloid, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 9:26, Reply)

And that gets you points for effort
And perhaps some sort of glazed treat.
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 9:28, Reply)

glazed spaffed-on
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 9:57, Reply)

My elephantitis of the genitals is hidden from view of the public by my horribly outdated late-90's Californian Metal Band trousers
I am more commonly compared to famous homosexuals
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 9:21, Reply)

I fucking love that guy.
Never in the history of all the time I've spent here has anyone so effectively failed to grasp the nuances of trolling.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 9:17, Reply)

His aura of earthy humour protects him from us naughty internet bullies.

(Bazongaloid, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 9:19, Reply)

Is he the emo one?

( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 9:21, Reply)

Yup, 'Lyrics Boy'

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 9:23, Reply)

^ POTD

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 9:18, Reply)

It was the bit at the end, wasn't it?
How are you, my fine solicitor of salty snacks?
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 9:20, Reply)

No
That bit wasn't true, LOL :-) 111!!!111

I'm good albeit in quite a combative mood, it seems. You?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 9:23, Reply)

I'm feeling a bit frisky myself today.
I'm generally fucking awesome though. Really buzzing at the moment.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 9:25, Reply)

Nice one.
I was going to do a smiley face but I'm thinking better of it now.
( girlinthehole, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 9:27, Reply)

LOL

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 9:27, Reply)

It's the thought that counts.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 9:31, Reply)

Excellent stuff.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 9:27, Reply)

I had the first walk for the charity last week.
It totally blew my mind it went so well, I'm riding high on self-satisfied altruism.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 9:31, Reply)

You're making me feel guilty that I'm not doing more for my fellow man.

( girlinthehole, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 9:32, Reply)

I hate my fellow man
so this is not a problem for me.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 9:36, Reply)

But they speak so highly of you.

( girlinthehole, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 9:38, Reply)

That is definitely a good thing.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 9:36, Reply)

Any suggestions?

( girlinthehole, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 9:38, Reply)

Just google 'rate my penis'
and see if anything interesting comes up that you wouldn't mind spending a couple of hours a week doing.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 9:42, Reply)

Haha!
I was being rude. It wasn't the kind of helping my fellow man I was thinking off.
( girlinthehole, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 9:43, Reply)

You, being rude?

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 9:45, Reply)

I thought I'd have a stab at it.
Oi! no editing.
( girlinthehole, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 9:45, Reply)

Haha

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 9:47, Reply)

I started back at work on monday
after 8 months of maternity leave. I have spent the past 3 days remembering how to switch on a computer and how to get to b3ta. today I may find my way back to the database I'm supposedly managing. maybe.

don't expect too much of this woman (no matter how annoying she is) and ask after her sprog. then you'll have a friend for life.
( ascorbate, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 9:19, Reply)

How's your sprog?

(Bazongaloid, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 9:20, Reply)

Smoother than a smoothie, you are.

( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 9:21, Reply)

*trigger fingers*
Oh yeah.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 9:25, Reply)

he's fine
big, almost walking, still incapable of sleeping.
how are you?
( ascorbate, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 9:22, Reply)

I'm alright
suffering with back and neck problems, but otherwise okay.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 9:25, Reply)

you should see health and safety about that
get a nice new chair or desk. I spent the 4 months working here before mat leave getting a new chair every couple of weeks. it kills time beautifully.
( ascorbate, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 9:27, Reply)

back cock neck ball
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 9:37, Reply)

Welcome back!
How's it all going?
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 9:20, Reply)

enjoy your maternity leave
that is all.
(it goes far far too fast! that said, I don't have to go to any mother and toddler groups, so avoid all the other snotty children, but get to play with my own for a couple of hours every evening - a good deal! how are you?)
( ascorbate, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 9:23, Reply)

Ah, so the whole tolerance of other people's children thing doesn't kick in?
I was optimistic that I'd grow to not dislike them.

I'm surviving. My latest medical thing is a burning numbness in my leg - nerve compression. Apparently I'm stuck with it til the baby's born. I have a giant tubigrip bandage for my bump.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 9:27, Reply)

other people's kids
are just not that interesting. just like my baby is terminally dull and faintly repulsive to most folk outside my family (and to my sisters, but they're bitches anyway), but to mr vitc and I he is the best thing in the world. ever. you'll soon see!
are you living off tums yet? and up every 10 minutes for a piss? ah, I almost miss it.
( ascorbate, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 9:30, Reply)

Gaviscon for dessert every night.

( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 9:33, Reply)

told ye!

(Cancer Joy was short lived, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 9:38, Reply)

Any nice baby poo stories?

( girlinthehole, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 9:23, Reply)

if you REALLY want them
he shat a beautiful coil of beetroot and avocado hued turd the other day. Luckily I'd given him both for dinner the previous night, otherwise I'd have been baffled.
( ascorbate, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 9:24, Reply)

Aw! bless him.

( girlinthehole, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 9:25, Reply)

I now have a small window of opportunity to play with all of you while I have my coffee.
*waves*
( girlinthehole, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 9:21, Reply)

Spend all day banging on about the 2.7% pay rise you've just got.

(PsychoChomp, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 9:23, Reply)

Punch her in the face
Then push her off her chair. It'll make you into the office hero. Honest.
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 9:25, Reply)

hey!
are you my colleague? because it didn't work on me, so it won't work on her!
( ascorbate, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 9:25, Reply)

No...
*hides b3ta tab*
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 9:27, Reply)

Compare scars and let her win. Job done.

(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Thu 29 Apr 2010, 9:40, Reply)