Right that's enough poetry for one day

I once stayed in a motor park North of Brisbane for a few days, it was weird and full of very "local" people. The day after we left our next door neighbour hacked up his mother with an axe...tell me about your close calls with death.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 11 May 2010, 11:08, 122 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

The guy who runs the chippy down the road from my parents' house
cut someone's head off with a sword once. At a wedding. He does make nice chips though.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Tue 11 May 2010, 11:14, Reply)

You need to expand on this.
Full story please.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 11 May 2010, 11:15, Reply)

I was only about 5 at the time,
I think he'd arranged a marriage for his son, but the bride decided to marry someone else so he went along to the wedding and murdered someone's uncle - can't remember if it was the bride's or the groom's.

He was back selling me chips by the time I was 14.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Tue 11 May 2010, 11:22, Reply)

My brothers squatter friends
once beheaded a pimp with a Samurai sword, and chucked his body, head and the sword down a rubbish chute. No-one was arrested.

I have posted this before.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 11 May 2010, 11:17, Reply)

Did you use an apostrophe the last time you posted it?
How many brothers?
(Cave Duck, Tue 11 May 2010, 11:26, Reply)

Three more than Ian Dury had.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 11 May 2010, 11:27, Reply)

*Pulls the top foolscap pad from the elastic band bound pile and adds this to the Ian Related Miscellanea Section*

(Cave Duck, Tue 11 May 2010, 11:37, Reply)

Car crash
I was 15.
The car was a write-off. The footwell where my legs would have been if I hadn't been sitting with my knees up was crushed right up to the seat, and the bonnet was a centimetre from smashing into the windscreen.
When they tried to get the doors off I could hear some blokes saying I was dead, and when I came-to I said "No, I'm just very pale!"

Walked away with a bumped head and a spot of £1200 compensation whiplash. My dad had a bit of a heart-scare in the ambulance, but afterwards was fine.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 11 May 2010, 11:18, Reply)

that's crazy
a spot of luck for you

my mrs was in a car crash with a drunk driver either on the way home from, or very soon after she had been in hospital after being born.

Whole family in the car. Her sister still has a scar on her forehead.

They had to scoop the mrs out from where she had gone under one of the seats.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 11 May 2010, 11:42, Reply)

My second step-father, (not the current one), looked like a seriel killer.

( girlinthehole, Tue 11 May 2010, 11:19, Reply)

But could he spell 'serial'?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 11 May 2010, 11:20, Reply)

Cereal

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 11 May 2010, 11:20, Reply)

Let's call the whole thing off!
*jazz hands*
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 11 May 2010, 11:21, Reply)

a i

That's right, jazz hinds. Shake that booty!
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 11 May 2010, 11:41, Reply)

I doubt it.
He was a rep for Mars, the confectionary company.
( girlinthehole, Tue 11 May 2010, 11:21, Reply)

Could he spell confectionery?

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 11 May 2010, 11:23, Reply)

ha ha ha

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 11 May 2010, 11:26, Reply)

I fell out of a first floor window when I was about 10.
I landed in a pond though so I was ok.
My sister loves telling that story, I think she pushed me.
(PsychoChomp, Tue 11 May 2010, 11:20, Reply)

Oh and I got mugged at knife point.
The guy who mugged me stabbed someone the next week, now he is in prison lol
(PsychoChomp, Tue 11 May 2010, 11:24, Reply)

shower rape lolz

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 11 May 2010, 11:26, Reply)

Shower rape mindpiss.
(There's a phrase I don't use very often...)
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 11 May 2010, 11:26, Reply)

I bet he's being anally raped in the showers as we speak ROFFLECOPTER!!!!!

(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 11 May 2010, 11:26, Reply)

Rofflecopter, I will shout this next time I'm involved in some shower rape

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 11 May 2010, 11:28, Reply)

I fell out of a 1st floor window once
and landed on my arse, luckily it had been raining hard so the ground was really soft so I left a deep buttock imprint in the ground and walked away.

However I did land about 6 inches from a man hole cover madeof solid iron, so it could have been a lot worse.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 11 May 2010, 11:25, Reply)

Yeah that could have ruined your love life.

(PsychoChomp, Tue 11 May 2010, 11:31, Reply)

my brother fell out of a 1st floor window onto paving slabs
He was alright, he landed on his head. To this day he swears I pushed him.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 11 May 2010, 11:47, Reply)

I jumped out of a first floor window during a huge drunken argument with my ex.
All I wanted to do was leave the house for a while to calm down but she wouldn't let me leave the bedroom and I thought I was close to knocking her out, so I jumped out of the bedroom window instead and landed on my arse. Not a scratch on me, fortunately.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Tue 11 May 2010, 11:58, Reply)

I once duffed up Porkylips so badly he nearly died.
It was yesterday, actually.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 11 May 2010, 11:21, Reply)

'duff-up' can also mean 'to make pregnant'

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 11 May 2010, 11:22, Reply)

No it can't.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 11 May 2010, 11:24, Reply)

Of course it can.

(PsychoChomp, Tue 11 May 2010, 11:25, Reply)

Citation needed.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 11 May 2010, 11:28, Reply)

No it isn't
slang terms can mean different things to different groups of people, she lives in another part of the country, I heard somewhere that Northerners sometimes use different words for things. I'll try and find a citation for that.
(PsychoChomp, Tue 11 May 2010, 11:30, Reply)

We divven't, like.
It's southerners that use different words for things. You call lemonade 'beer' for instance.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 11 May 2010, 11:34, Reply)

Don't forget our invisible 'r's
barth
grarss
parth
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 11 May 2010, 11:36, Reply)

Well, quite.

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 11 May 2010, 11:37, Reply)

So it should be in use in that context somewhere on the internet, then,
surely?

They do have the internet up north, don't they? Someone there would probably have added it to, say, urbandictionary.com, I would imagine.

www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=duffing%20up

3 definitions, none of which refers to pregnancy.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 11 May 2010, 11:36, Reply)

No internet up North today, the coal delivery was delayed by an outbreak of poverty all over the M6

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 11 May 2010, 11:37, Reply)

Ugh. Repulsive.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 11 May 2010, 11:37, Reply)

I'm here.
As is Gary. No break in service. Anyway, Monty's of fucking Scottish heritage, the patchwork skirt-wearing, ginger, heart attack waiting to happen.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 11 May 2010, 11:39, Reply)

You forgot alcoholic and servant of the English

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 11 May 2010, 11:39, Reply)

That too.
Monty's so servile he pretends to be one of them.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 11 May 2010, 11:40, Reply)

Worst teeth in Europe too.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 11 May 2010, 11:41, Reply)

Shurrup ya mong!
I knows it cos we says it
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 11 May 2010, 11:39, Reply)

I think they mean this.
www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=up+the+duff
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Tue 11 May 2010, 11:41, Reply)

So do I.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 11 May 2010, 11:41, Reply)

me too
I agree with you

duffed up = beaten up
up the duff = pregnant

NO CROSSOVER!
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 11 May 2010, 11:43, Reply)

There is round here
God shurrup the lorra yez.
Just because you find it impenetrable, doesn't mean we can't handle it.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 11 May 2010, 11:45, Reply)

we all know you lot can't use the language properly

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 11 May 2010, 11:46, Reply)

It's rich and varied
We'll do with it what we wish.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 11 May 2010, 11:47, Reply)

what's it ever done to you?

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 11 May 2010, 11:49, Reply)

I'm not abusing it
I'm merely using it
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 11 May 2010, 11:50, Reply)

there's a fine line between them
you and your kind have crossed that line.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 11 May 2010, 11:56, Reply)

Shut it
you goblin
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 11 May 2010, 12:04, Reply)

*gobbles*

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 11 May 2010, 12:18, Reply)

She's not impenetrable, either.

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 11 May 2010, 11:49, Reply)

GUV!!

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 11 May 2010, 11:50, Reply)

No
I've heard you can duff her up the duffer for 12 duffin' pence.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 11 May 2010, 11:50, Reply)

Spoken like a true woman.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Tue 11 May 2010, 12:01, Reply)

You didn't say it isn't you said it can't.
Which is stupid.
(PsychoChomp, Tue 11 May 2010, 11:50, Reply)

"She's duffed-up"
"NO! Who by?"
"Wayne"
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 11 May 2010, 11:32, Reply)

You fookin wot, la?

(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Tue 11 May 2010, 11:45, Reply)

Ey! Ey!
Ya fookin' stoody!
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 11 May 2010, 11:47, Reply)

Smelly!

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 11 May 2010, 11:47, Reply)

"Where ya goin'?"
"T'town t'buy some trackies and trainies" *hock, spit*
(Actual conversation I overheard in Aigburth)
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 11 May 2010, 11:48, Reply)

I've heard the phrase "Smart black trackie...
for a funeral"
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 11 May 2010, 11:51, Reply)

What do you call a Scouser in a suit?
The Defendant.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 11 May 2010, 11:52, Reply)

Ah, tracksuits... so versatile.

(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Tue 11 May 2010, 11:53, Reply)

AND smart black trainies!

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 11 May 2010, 11:54, Reply)

Suitable for every occasion!
Never have to worry about being overdressed!
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Tue 11 May 2010, 12:02, Reply)

Ere, mayte!
I nicked sum proper nice trackies from jjb wiv ar Kev last week. Reebok an shit, innit?
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Tue 11 May 2010, 11:52, Reply)

And all the Scals
Tuck their shellsuits into their socks...
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 11 May 2010, 11:53, Reply)

That appears to be on the wane though
Not that they look any better for it.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 11 May 2010, 11:55, Reply)

Black trackies into white socks usually.
Makes my eyes hurt. They've a long way to go before they look half decent.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Tue 11 May 2010, 11:56, Reply)

I asked a Scal once why they did it
He said "So when yer nickin' stuff it don't fall out the bottom o' yer trackies."
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 11 May 2010, 11:57, Reply)

yeah but even the ones who aren't robbers
have considered it the height of fashion
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 11 May 2010, 12:00, Reply)

"She's duffed-up"
"Who did she duff up?"
"No, she's pregnant."
"Why didn't you say that then? Silly Scousers."
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 11 May 2010, 11:45, Reply)

Worreva
We only say it messing anyway.
In real and worrying circumstances about a person we are bothered about or related to, it would be 'having a baby'.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 11 May 2010, 11:51, Reply)

Surely that would be "up-duff"?
As in, "After Monty had duffed-up Porky, he set about up-duffing the poor feller's missus."
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 11 May 2010, 11:24, Reply)

No.
You are 'duffed' or 'up the duff' when you have been 'duffed'
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 11 May 2010, 11:29, Reply)

But 'duffed' rather than 'duffed-up'?
Don't make me you duff you up.
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 11 May 2010, 11:32, Reply)

You can say 'duffed-up' too!
And I know you can because we SAY it and people KNOW what we mean!
*tuts*
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 11 May 2010, 11:33, Reply)

But did you know what I meant just then
when I threatened to duff you up?
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 11 May 2010, 11:41, Reply)

Normally the context means that we know

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 11 May 2010, 11:46, Reply)

DAMN THIS LACK OF LOGIC AND CLARITY

(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 11 May 2010, 11:48, Reply)

I think you should suggest this
for next week's qotw
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Tue 11 May 2010, 11:26, Reply)

I have a feeling it's bindun

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 11 May 2010, 11:27, Reply)

Like that would stop them.

(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 11 May 2010, 11:27, Reply)

How a mixtape made me vomit my own shit whilst I was wanking over your mum 2

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 11 May 2010, 11:28, Reply)

I'm sure that summarises at least one Spanky post...

(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 11 May 2010, 11:33, Reply)

I once thumbed in a prostitute's eyes like an angry sailor because she wouldn't let my pug watch.

( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Tue 11 May 2010, 11:30, Reply)

Thats cos he always dribbles from his lipstick

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 11 May 2010, 11:34, Reply)

also sometimes he rotates so hard that he can casually spin up any orifice he chooses

( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Tue 11 May 2010, 11:42, Reply)

Actually it's
Captain Pug Watch
( Larry Vest One day at a time, sweet Jesus, FFS., Tue 11 May 2010, 11:44, Reply)

I broke my leg rather badly
When the ambulance came, the paramedics put me on the pat slide, whereupon I mentioned that I just felt a 'popping sensation' in my leg. After a dramatic pause, an awful lot of blood started erupting from my leg. By moving me, one of my broken bones (oh yes, tib & fib) nicked one of my nice bloodtubes.

Apparently I lost a decent amount of blood, but I had gas and air by that point, so didn't care.

I was also dressed as a ninja.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 11 May 2010, 11:38, Reply)

WINNA!

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 11 May 2010, 11:42, Reply)

It hurts when I kneel down

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 11 May 2010, 11:43, Reply)

Those bastard Catholic priests!
It's your own fault for looking so cherubic, mind.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 11 May 2010, 11:44, Reply)

Ahh bless ya Dad!
*beams like a kid in a Horlicks advert*
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 11 May 2010, 11:46, Reply)

I got prescribed penicillin once
I didn't know I was allergic to it. That was a fun few days...
(berk, Tue 11 May 2010, 11:40, Reply)

I'm allergic to penicillin
Although I haven't been given it since I wasa baby soI may have grown out of it by now. I don't know.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 11 May 2010, 11:45, Reply)

I think Wet Ham Man has been murdered.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 11 May 2010, 11:43, Reply)

Oh my God, where IS he??

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 11 May 2010, 11:48, Reply)

MURDERED, I tell you.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 11 May 2010, 11:52, Reply)

Thurrr's been a murrr-durrrr

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 11 May 2010, 11:56, Reply)

Moi'der ya say?
/Chicago cop
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 11 May 2010, 11:58, Reply)

I thought more Max from Hart to Hart!

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 11 May 2010, 12:01, Reply)

under Monty's patio

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 11 May 2010, 11:53, Reply)

Him and Cousin Barry

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 11 May 2010, 11:56, Reply)

I once fell over crossing the road (slipped on ice)
I managed to roll towards the gutter and watched as a taxi drove past within inches of my face.

My anal sphincter fluttered somewhat that time.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Tue 11 May 2010, 11:47, Reply)

I guy I know was found guilty of a murder very locally.
He caved a lady's head in with a video recorder and golf club after a night on massive drugs. The day before her body was found, I'd planned on walking through the field her body was found in as part of my walk that day. I didn't walk after all.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Tue 11 May 2010, 11:53, Reply)

video recorder AND a golf club?
one or the other not enough?
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 11 May 2010, 12:22, Reply)

It was in the local paper in gruesome detail.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Tue 11 May 2010, 12:25, Reply)

which did he use first?

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 11 May 2010, 12:25, Reply)

www.buckinghamtoday.co.uk/buckingham-news/Man-25-denies-murder-charge.6254264.jp
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Tue 11 May 2010, 12:35, Reply)

Could you see the imprint of the pause button on her forehead?

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 11 May 2010, 12:25, Reply)

I was stood against a wall one day, minding my own business,
When some twat pinned me against the wall in his Honda and gave me a right duffing up. Didn't know who the fuck he was, but it turned out I laughed at him a couple of times in high school? I don't remember. Luckily for me, he was distracted by some supermodels wanting to suck him off so I was able to make my escape.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Tue 11 May 2010, 12:00, Reply)

You got lucky

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 11 May 2010, 12:02, Reply)

I got hit by a car outside Mile End tube station.
It hurt, and a lot too. The worst bit? It was a Vauxhall Tigra. Oh, the inhumanity of it all.
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Tue 11 May 2010, 12:03, Reply)

Hahahahaha

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 11 May 2010, 12:04, Reply)

Not a brush with death
But since we're sharing exciting stories of this nature...

Last December, I was at a meeting with people from some other departments with whom we're collaborating. Before the meeting began, I was chatting to a head-of-physics from another university, who was telling me he'd had an email from HR saying he should probably think about firing one of the RAs. Apparently this scientist had glassed someone the previous Friday and was on trial for assault. There was speculation that he'd made a number of fraudulent claims on his application for the job.

Naturally I found this quite alarming. This feller sounded like a nasty piece of work. Then a few weeks one of my colleagues sent me a link to an article about the incident...

...turns out the guy had actually been with our group only a couple of months before. And I couldn't have thought of a person less likely to lie on an application, let alone glass a member of the public on a bus. He'd always seemed so shy and well-meaning...it worried me slightly to think this was the same person. Shows how much I know...
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 11 May 2010, 12:19, Reply)

HaHa.
Guess who Clark Kent really is? Go on, you'll never guess.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Tue 11 May 2010, 12:31, Reply)