I'm going to Alton Towers today
I am up before I get up for work and it seems like hard work already.
Anyone wanna go in my place?
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 28 May 2010, 7:01, 80 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Morning Roota
I won't go if you don't mind, as I fall under the minimum height requirement. Have a nice day though.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Fri 28 May 2010, 7:32, Reply)

Morning all
Alton Towers? No way. These roller coasters and so on scare the shit out of me. I've been on one 'tame' one, and vowed never again.

It gives me the willies just looking at them.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 28 May 2010, 8:15, Reply)

Good Morning K2k6
What a slow morning. Do you think Porkylips has found something else to do this week?

Anyway, I don't like roller coasters either. If I want to be scared out of my skin, I drive round the M25 on a firday morning.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Fri 28 May 2010, 8:26, Reply)

Ah, porky's appeared v v
I didn't think it was possible to drive on the M25 on a Friday morning. Park, maybe. But not drive.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 28 May 2010, 8:31, Reply)

Early, I have to be on it by 6:15 or it would be easier to walk.

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Fri 28 May 2010, 8:33, Reply)

Sorry for lateness.
A dog ate my breakfast. I have no pets.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Fri 28 May 2010, 8:49, Reply)

My morning is incomplete without you.

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Fri 28 May 2010, 9:02, Reply)

No thanks.
I'm an adult.

UNRELATED:

I realised last night I'm in love with a friend of mine. On paper we couldn't be worse suited: she's from Middlesbrough for fuck's sake, and works in advertising for the porn industry. I've known her for years and we spent last night in deep, deep conversation. She's extraordinarily well read, extremely funny and fucking gorgeous. It's a terrible idea.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 28 May 2010, 8:27, Reply)

Nice tits?

( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 28 May 2010, 8:33, Reply)

Absolutely cracking.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 28 May 2010, 8:34, Reply)

Well then
You'll just have to overlook the Middlesbrough thing!
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 28 May 2010, 8:36, Reply)

It's extremely difficult
because every time she opens her trap THERE IT IS.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 28 May 2010, 8:40, Reply)

Oh Monty!
*shakes head*
( girlinthehole, Fri 28 May 2010, 8:41, Reply)

Hmm, yes. I see your problem.
It could be worse though. She could be a scouser.

*ducks to avoid missile launched by Roota*
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 28 May 2010, 8:42, Reply)

or a Broomay.
That would be a deal-breaker.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 28 May 2010, 8:45, Reply)

Perhaps she thinks you speak all "la-di-da".

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Fri 28 May 2010, 8:49, Reply)

She rips the massive piss out of me for it the whole time.
I think it's hilarious.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 28 May 2010, 8:52, Reply)

So...
you also can make her laugh.

Apart from the class/accent thing, I'm not seeing any downsides here.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 28 May 2010, 8:54, Reply)

He's going on holiday with his ex for two weeks
/helpfully pointing out the downsides
(PsychoChomp, Fri 28 May 2010, 9:00, Reply)

I am determined to have no 'funny business'
with that fruitcake on holiday. Determined, I tell you.

*capitulates on day 2*
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 28 May 2010, 9:03, Reply)

Isn't that in a couple of days?
Can't all this wait until you get back?
(PsychoChomp, Fri 28 May 2010, 9:05, Reply)

It's been simmering for a good two years
so yes. She's always away at fucking porn conventions anyway. Amsterdam, LA etc.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 28 May 2010, 9:08, Reply)

best. work trip. evar.

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 28 May 2010, 9:18, Reply)

Please try hard not to
Or you won't get much sympathy from us lot.

If you make day 4 you'll get a sweetie.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Fri 28 May 2010, 9:05, Reply)

Yes, and...
it'll be a good way not to end up shagging the ex.

In theory.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 28 May 2010, 9:03, Reply)

I went out with someone posh once.
Didn't do me any harm.
( girlinthehole, Fri 28 May 2010, 9:01, Reply)

Of course not, everyone needs touch of class in them

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 28 May 2010, 9:03, Reply)

You can't take the piss out of someone being right

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 28 May 2010, 9:01, Reply)

Never stopped him before.

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Fri 28 May 2010, 9:03, Reply)

I meant her

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 28 May 2010, 9:04, Reply)

LOL

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Fri 28 May 2010, 9:06, Reply)

Why?
Is she beneath you?

Right now?
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Fri 28 May 2010, 8:35, Reply)

She's common as muck* by her own admission.

*'mook'
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 28 May 2010, 8:41, Reply)

There will always be a problem then.
Sad, because you should be able to see through her lack of class and funny accent, and concentrate on her good points. Straining to be released from her see through blouse.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Fri 28 May 2010, 8:46, Reply)

She's fucking loaded
and seems to spend it all on expensive lingerie.

What am I thinking?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 28 May 2010, 8:50, Reply)

You're thinking,
how many ridiculous excuses can I make up to stop going for it.
So far I can count one.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 28 May 2010, 8:51, Reply)

And it's only a problem if she speaks.
Which she can't do with her mouth full...
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 28 May 2010, 8:52, Reply)

She'd have me for fucking breakfast.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 28 May 2010, 8:53, Reply)

you certainly have a type.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 28 May 2010, 8:55, Reply)

Yes boss, What are you thinking?
Is it the thought of you meeting her parents?
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Fri 28 May 2010, 8:52, Reply)

The other way round.
My mother would disown me.

/complete lie
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 28 May 2010, 9:03, Reply)

When I met a "posh" ex's parents it was very hard work.
Thet still didn't like me after I thrashed them at triv. We split up soon after.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Fri 28 May 2010, 9:09, Reply)

If you want to ruin all hopes of a relationship
bring her to Als bash.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 28 May 2010, 8:41, Reply)

Fuck that shit.
I like her.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 28 May 2010, 8:44, Reply)

Damn, I was going to tell her about the time you used the wrong their/there.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 28 May 2010, 8:45, Reply)

She'd never believe you.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 28 May 2010, 8:46, Reply)

I have it printed off and laminated.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 28 May 2010, 8:46, Reply)

Go for it
Nothing ventured, nothing gained, live for the moment, and all that
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 28 May 2010, 8:43, Reply)

Carpe diem too, Bert?

( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 28 May 2010, 8:44, Reply)

That must be some godawful sex act
I've never heard of, but yeah, sure, that too
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 28 May 2010, 8:55, Reply)

But is she mental?
Smoggies are usually a bit strange. It's the lack of oxygen does it.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Fri 28 May 2010, 8:51, Reply)

Not at all, as far as I can tell.
I've known her for a long time and at worst you'd say she's a bit of a 'ladette' *cringes*
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 28 May 2010, 9:06, Reply)

Replace her orange squash with bleach
When she drinks it her vocal cords will be destroyed thus preventing her from speaking.
Then when she is recovering who'll be there? Monty!
When she cries in the night who'll be there? Monty!
When she decides to learn sign langauge who will have already learnt it in preparation? Monty!

Who wins? Monty!
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 28 May 2010, 8:51, Reply)

Like your thinking, young man.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 28 May 2010, 8:52, Reply)

teach her how to speak properly through the medium of song
a la My Fair Lady.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 28 May 2010, 9:20, Reply)

Excellent idea.
*writes educational song to the tune of 'Crocodile Shoes'*


*I know Jimmy Nail's not from Middlesbrough.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 28 May 2010, 9:24, Reply)

Damn! Beaten to it!
Although I was going to reference Pygmalion. /classy
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 28 May 2010, 9:39, Reply)

Wrong side of t'Pennines lad
crack on......
(Purpledoris I've got afeckin' job, Fri 28 May 2010, 10:54, Reply)

We went to Alton Towers when the waterpark and hotel first opened.
Unfortunately the floor in the waterpark had been coated with a non-slip surface so the kiddies didn't fall over. It had all the characteristics of coarse sandpaper.
Piglet fell over and abraded himself so badly that he couldn't walk without cracking open the scabs and weeping all over the place.
The upside was they gave him a wheelchair which got us to the front of every queue all day and eventually a total refund for the whole weekend and a little something to keep us quiet.
We went on Air 3 times and Oblivion 3 times. Without queueing. Magic. Didn't hurt me a bit.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Fri 28 May 2010, 8:29, Reply)

So they allow wheelchair users on to the rides?
This conjures up all sorts of amusing images.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Fri 28 May 2010, 8:32, Reply)

Actually it's quite touching.
Hearing the howls of pleasure from Cerebrally Palsied childers while they whizz round on the Air ride is guaranteed to bring a smile to your face.
Even better when the little sods refuse to get off and use the same howls to communicate "Again again again!"
Marvellous.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Fri 28 May 2010, 8:47, Reply)

I hate scary rides.
But I do like candyfloss. Woo!
( girlinthehole, Fri 28 May 2010, 8:30, Reply)

The phrase 'scary rides'
made me think of shagging Amy Winehouse.

*shudders*

*cock shrivels*
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 28 May 2010, 8:32, Reply)

She was behind the bar
in the Hawley Arms when I when I went in there last Saturday, the grotesque harridan.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 28 May 2010, 8:41, Reply)

I saw a picture of her online today
and wondered how anyone could find her attractive in any way. If she and I were the last two people on earth, and she was gagging for it, I still think a wank would be a far more appealing option.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 28 May 2010, 8:43, Reply)

She looks even worse up close.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 28 May 2010, 8:48, Reply)

*boaks*
(this is the Scottish spelling, before anyone picks me up on it)
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 28 May 2010, 8:53, Reply)

From behind with a peg on your nose
also I would double up.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 28 May 2010, 8:53, Reply)

My mate got kicked in the balls by her.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 28 May 2010, 8:53, Reply)

She's a fucking hag.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 28 May 2010, 9:24, Reply)

I'll go!
I haven't been since I was about 8, and I was too small to go on anything
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 28 May 2010, 8:45, Reply)

Last time I went Nemisis was new

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 28 May 2010, 8:52, Reply)

Last time I went, the wheel was new.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 28 May 2010, 8:53, Reply)

Were you tall enough to ride the oxon and cart
or did you ahve to spend your day in the witch burning pit?
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 28 May 2010, 8:54, Reply)

No witch burning in those days
The discovery of that new fangled 'fire' was some time off.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 28 May 2010, 8:56, Reply)

He did get to have ago on the mammoth though.
AND watch the sabre tooth wrestling.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Fri 28 May 2010, 9:00, Reply)

I'll go!
I've already been this year, as part of a stag do. It was awesome, but too busy. And I slagged off Jordan in the queue for Rita, Queen of Speed.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 28 May 2010, 9:16, Reply)

Was Jordan actually there to hear the slagging off?

(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Fri 28 May 2010, 9:19, Reply)

Yep
I didn't realise it at the time, I was slagging off a woman who was pushing through the fast track queue for trying to look like Jordan. I then ranted about how Jordan is a vacuous whore, and I'd like to see her death on the evening news.
When we got off the ride, we saw Alex Reid waiting with Harvey.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 28 May 2010, 9:21, Reply)

I'm totally stealing this anecdote.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 28 May 2010, 11:01, Reply)