Buff, buff, buff
I need to breathe and calm down.

Why is everything so complicated and stupid? Why?

Alt Q: Methods to calm down when everybody around you seems to be stupid and complicated.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 24 Jun 2010, 14:32, 127 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I've heard hosing people down
with a machinegun helps to keep you calm and focused
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 14:34, Reply)

"how can you shoot women and children?"
"easy, you just don't lead them so much!"
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 14:36, Reply)

reminds me of a poem I once read
about a teacher shooting up a class

www.poemhunter.com/poem/the-lesson/
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 14:40, Reply)

it's from Full Metal Jacket
which I think I've watched too many times. especially recently.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 14:44, Reply)

a in

Edit: Class Poem that.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 14:47, Reply)

I like to show people my 'calming palm' technique
and slap them inbetween the tits like a wrestler.
( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 14:34, Reply)

do they walk five paces then die?

( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 14:36, Reply)

Hahaha

(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 24 Jun 2010, 14:37, Reply)

Nah, they tend to just stand there as I wabble their tits about like I'm an autistic window cleaner.

( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 14:38, Reply)

Have a wank
Or go for a walk, either works.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 14:39, Reply)

But then I'll come back
And the stupidity won't be gone. It'll still be here, chasing me, making me spend stupid amounts of money, time and holidays for nothing.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 24 Jun 2010, 14:40, Reply)

Walk away and don't go back?
Aren't you going to be heading to Worthing soon?
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 14:41, Reply)

Yes, I think
Or Chelmsford, we haven't decided.

It's not only job. It's part job and part all the stupid papers for the wedding.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 24 Jun 2010, 14:57, Reply)

If you ever marry in Spain
DON'T

Ever

It's terribly complicated.

Just marry in England and celebrate in Spain, if you must.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 24 Jun 2010, 14:58, Reply)

My sister wants to get married on a yacht near Cyprus
If we're in international waters I can get a totally sweet bullfight going on.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 15:13, Reply)

You can find agencies here
that sort out all the paperwork for you to get married in Cyprus or the Caribean.

Not in Spain, no. The paperwork is too complicated. They recommend you to marry in Gibraltar and then celebrate in Andalucía.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 24 Jun 2010, 15:17, Reply)

That's annoying
it's like they don't want you to be happy. Bastard Spain.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 15:19, Reply)

Exactly
If we are good at something, it's at making paperwork difficult.

I think I'm going to go to the register here, and marry here (only 2 witnesess, no party or anything) and then celebrate in Tenerife. It's going to make it a lot easier. The only problem is convincing my mother that it's a good idea.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 24 Jun 2010, 15:25, Reply)

bull monkey knife
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 15:20, Reply)

Smile, breathe deeply and walk slowly.
Vietnamese buddhist saying.
( girlinthehole, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 14:41, Reply)

"Then flip over them and, like, totally go kung-fu nuts on them"
Shaolin Monk addendum.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 14:43, Reply)

Oh, I wish so much I could do that

(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 24 Jun 2010, 14:58, Reply)

"walk softly...and carry a big gun"

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 14:43, Reply)

an open mind
is like a fortress with it's gate unbarred and unguarded?
( Kroney, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 14:46, Reply)

There is no such thing as innocence, only degrees of guilt.
I think we are on the same page here ;-)
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 14:54, Reply)

And we post on the internet
it's lucky I have cars and you have surfing, otherwise we'd die from terminal uncoolness.
( Kroney, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 15:19, Reply)

And look like a simpleton.

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 14:44, Reply)

Step 1. Walk away from everything stressful.
Step 2. Find a forest.
Step 3. Sit in forest (up a tree is my favourite)
Step 4. Sit in silence and just absorb the sounds, smells, sights and textures. Take in the calm of your surroundings. If you can, meditate.
Sorted.

Or, I like to find a random hill, stand at the top in the wind and scream all my frustration out.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 14:44, Reply)

This would be my advice too.

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 14:45, Reply)

Hippy!
Get a job!
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 14:45, Reply)

I'm a lazy student.
That's enough work for anyone.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 14:47, Reply)

Step 5: Well done, you have completed brown bear school. Now go and raid a beehive aGGGRgrgrggAAAAAARROOARRR

( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 14:45, Reply)

arf

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 14:56, Reply)

Oh
That picture is not true, is it?
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 24 Jun 2010, 15:00, Reply)

it is. It's my bear.

( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 15:02, Reply)

Step 3.5 Skin up a fatty-boom-batty

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 14:46, Reply)

I like huging trees as strong as I can
It's very good to fight stress
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 24 Jun 2010, 14:59, Reply)

Chin up, Aberracion
the worst things happen at sea and all that
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 15:02, Reply)

Ha, thanks!
That's probably why I get seasick
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 24 Jun 2010, 15:04, Reply)

I throw shit. Not literally shit, but anything I can get my hands on.
Then I get over it and pick it up and get on with life.
( Lisette von Falcon, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 14:48, Reply)

I hate having to pick up after my tantrums.
It takes the edge off it.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 15:12, Reply)

plus you can't help but think of yourself as an absolute twat
for getting that worked up in the first place.

I smashed a dent in my front door the other day, that was rather daft
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 15:13, Reply)

Yeah
especially if you broke something, you then think "I'm still a bit angry and now I have a broken something too".

I hate it more when I try and storm off and forget something, or trip over on the way out.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 15:20, Reply)

Pfffft
Every home should have a little cupboard, and in that little cupboard there should be a little mexican midget wrestler, and every time you start to feel yourself getting worked up, he should just jump out and start battering you.
That would be an awesome way to relieve tension
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 15:26, Reply)

it really really would

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 15:30, Reply)

*jumps out of a cupboard and starts battering Vipros*
Arriba!
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 15:32, Reply)

I like this.
I like this a lot.


*googles for purchase of Mexican midget wrestler*
( girlinthehole, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 15:31, Reply)

Or when you shout to someone
And 5 min later you're still upset, but you realize you've been unfair, and have to go and apologize.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 24 Jun 2010, 15:27, Reply)

Read this
It might bring a smile to your face.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 14:51, Reply)

Thanks I love that page
I always save it for around 4pm, when it seems the day can't get worse, but it does.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 24 Jun 2010, 15:01, Reply)

Have a wank
better yet, have two

EDIT Oh, and everything is complicated and stupid because that's just life, you kind of just have to get used to it

EDIT #2 Aw, man. My return seems to have killed the thread, that sucks, and it's probably going to give me a complex. Unless you're all gazzing each other about how much you hate me, or you've set up a secret board without me knowing, and you're plotting to piss in my tea.

Not that I'm paranoid, or anything
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 14:57, Reply)

I think you'd notice if a hoard of strangers turned up to try and piss in your tea

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 15:12, Reply)

The people who make the tea do it in our kitchenette
it's in a totally seperate room
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 15:13, Reply)

I could never do that
someone I know spat in her boss' coffee, which I found repulsive. No matter how much you hate someone you should never mess with their coffee, it's a cardinal sin.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 15:21, Reply)

I used to dunk my sister's toothbrush in the toilet
but I always washed it really thoroughly afterwards, for fear of making her ill.

That really showed her
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 15:27, Reply)

I'm so glad I didn't have a brother
they always think of more disgusting ways for revenge. Although girls are always more spiteful. My sister once told me that my ex had got engaged and I was so upset that I dumped my boyfriend at the time. My sister then told me that she meant engaged on the phone and fell about laughing. I was pretty mad.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 15:39, Reply)

Your sister is awful
Even worst than mine.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 24 Jun 2010, 15:47, Reply)

I didn't speak to her for about 6 months
she didn't notice.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 16:21, Reply)

Pff
Sisters can be really bad.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 24 Jun 2010, 16:25, Reply)

Heeheehee
Is your sister single by any chance?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 15:47, Reply)

she just got engaged
so feel free to have a go
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 16:21, Reply)

They'll be a lovely couple
Don't you think?
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 24 Jun 2010, 16:25, Reply)

...You'd burn your minge

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 15:39, Reply)

I wouldn't dip it in the coffee
I'd probably prepare a pipette at home and bring it in.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 15:40, Reply)

I had a shit in your cup-a-soup

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 15:16, Reply)

I thought they were croutons!
Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 15:17, Reply)

I'm not well. I'm really not well.
I need tea.
I'm on the counter and I've just seen our Worst Ever Customer come in.
I'm going to run to the toilet as soon as I see him approach.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 15:14, Reply)

Why are they the worst?
Do they not understand the fundamentals of your business?
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 15:16, Reply)

Our rudest most demanding customer, he surely is
Yet he was just completely lovely to me, didn't swear and thanked me for all my help.
BLIMEY!
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 15:29, Reply)

Sorry to hear that
I usually give biscuits or sweets to people who're having a bad day at the office. Do you want one? It's a healthy biscuit, sorry, I don't have anything better today.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 24 Jun 2010, 15:20, Reply)

Ooh, a biscuit would be lovely...
Ta luv
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 15:30, Reply)

There you have
Chocolate and orange.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 24 Jun 2010, 15:33, Reply)

Muchas gracias chicalinda

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 15:36, Reply)

De nada, guapa
That did bring a big smile to my face.

Where did you learn?
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 24 Jun 2010, 15:47, Reply)

Just at school
He olvidado mucho :(
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 15:51, Reply)

Really?
Just at school? That's very good.

At least you use the right person, not like my bf, who keeps talking as if he was the queen.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 24 Jun 2010, 16:09, Reply)

And italy are getting beat :(

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 15:30, Reply)

Why do you support Italians?

(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 24 Jun 2010, 15:33, Reply)

She likes their penis'

(Bazongaloid, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 15:34, Reply)

My Grandad is half eye-tie
Has a cooooool surname and everything
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 15:35, Reply)

Cos we're proper sexy.

(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 15:34, Reply)

You Italian luv?

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 15:35, Reply)

No she just likes their penis'

(Bazongaloid, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 15:36, Reply)

Penises plural
Or does Italy have one massive, boot-shaped collective cock?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 15:40, Reply)

Yes, it's called Silvio Berlusconi
Ha ahha ahh ah errrr
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 15:41, Reply)

What an awful joke
@Al, I also would have accepted penii
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 15:44, Reply)

Hence the body copy...
@Bert we have nested replies
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 15:46, Reply)

@Nakedape
I want OT back the way it used to be

Also, I'm on my phone, trying to lower my thumb-mileage
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 15:51, Reply)

If I had to choose,
I'd say I prefer Greek men I think.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 15:44, Reply)

Are you insane??????
EDIT: Actually, I shouldn't make generalisations.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 15:48, Reply)

According to my last psych evaluation... yes.

I love them both, but Greeks just take the win. Partly cos I can say "No, I don't have a boyfriend" in Greek.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 15:51, Reply)

they promise all and deliver nothing
And then are VERY surprised when you dump them.
in fact they don't believe they are dumped. They assume you must be joking and stalk you anyway.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 15:53, Reply)

But they are so nice to look at!
I don't let it get that far anyway.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 15:56, Reply)

They rapidly become ugly before your eyes when you realise that they are utter plantpots

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 15:56, Reply)

Haha, Plantpot.
I enjoy this. I'll have to remember it for future use.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 15:59, Reply)

They only eat all day
And watch football. And get upset with you for no reason.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 24 Jun 2010, 16:06, Reply)

I like hairy man...LIKE ANIMAL

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 15:49, Reply)

300
Is not a documentary
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 15:53, Reply)

What?
It...It's not?
*sobs*
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 15:57, Reply)

oh god that film was fit.

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 16:05, Reply)

It was awesome
Had fighting and boobs for the men too.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 16:08, Reply)

partly :D
My nanna is.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 15:41, Reply)

Woo my grandad is

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 15:43, Reply)

How could you, my grandfather is dead, you insensitive git!

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 15:44, Reply)

My English grandad is on his way out
So by mentioning grandfathers and death in the same sentence you have offended me
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 15:45, Reply)

I'm English and at some point will die, thus I am doubly offended

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 15:46, Reply)

Are you referring to mortality in general now?
You bastard. That also applies to me.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 15:46, Reply)

I am a bastard you shitting cow's nipple!

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 15:48, Reply)

So's my poor poor mother

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 15:51, Reply)

Hi five for exotic blood!

(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 15:45, Reply)

YAY!
He's not my biological grandad but I didn't discover this until I was 11 so I am 'culturally italian'
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 15:46, Reply)

l n
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 15:48, Reply)

You're despicable

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 15:49, Reply)

:p

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 15:50, Reply)

Where? There are thousands of Ls in that sentence.

(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 24 Jun 2010, 15:49, Reply)

I think he means "cunturally"

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 15:54, Reply)

Thanks, lets see if we can get it in the dictionary
Cuntural: Pretentious art, literature, theatre or film hailed as a masterpiece by trendy skinny jeaned twunts, but obviously a pile of turd to the general public
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 15:57, Reply)

Alongside
Egotestical: An arrogant liar who lacks the skill or charisma to get away with it, and is in such denial that they believe the bollocks they spew.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 16:11, Reply)

Thank you, dear
I can't see without my glasses.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 24 Jun 2010, 16:07, Reply)

This one is very good
www.lamebook.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/06/fwwj1.png
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 24 Jun 2010, 15:31, Reply)

Are you turning into Bridezilla?
So is Al ,)
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 15:45, Reply)

To where?

(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 24 Jun 2010, 15:49, Reply)

Ah, I see
Not turning into somewhere, but into something.

Funny.

:D
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 24 Jun 2010, 16:04, Reply)

I got properly grumpy last night

(Bazongaloid, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 15:51, Reply)

All getting a bit real?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 15:52, Reply)

Yep
two weeks on saturday
(Bazongaloid, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 15:55, Reply)

I know, me too...last minute admin at the moment

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 15:57, Reply)