A warning to all you filthy perverts.


It is bad for you.

(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Fri 9 Jul 2010, 11:56, 119 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

What a way to go.
Its something to aim for.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 11:58, Reply)

Oh the shame
I think they should have lied to protect her parents.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:00, Reply)

Like the time when I found my dead grandad with a Henry Hoover in his bed.
I had to lie to my parents that I was just hoovering his cock as it smelt a bit dead and didn't want the ambulance men feeling a bit sick on the way to the morgue.
( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:02, Reply)

You did the right thing

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:05, Reply)

Not when I put it onto blow instead of suck and puffed out loads of his nutdruff all over the curtains :S
I breathed in loads of it.
( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:08, Reply)

How do you know it was nutdruff and not cat dander?

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:11, Reply)

tasted like wurther's orginals and my sofa.

( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:14, Reply)

We shared a grandfather

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:14, Reply)

I know, he had a picture of you in his wallet.
of your left booby.
( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:17, Reply)

That's the biggest one

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:35, Reply)

That's because you've got a melons and lemons going on, your right looks like an angry whitehead.

( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:37, Reply)

It is an angry whitehead

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:44, Reply)

cor. I bet your boyfriend is always trying to pop it.

( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:53, Reply)

he's done that a few times but it always comes back

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:58, Reply)

You can't lie in an inquest.
You'd have thought the paper just wouldn't have posted it and stolen the picture from facebook.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:05, Reply)

I know you can't
Zzzz
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:07, Reply)

+b
(the sound of your vibrator)
(PsychoChomp, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:09, Reply)

surely that should be
"Chuff.....CHUFF.....CHUFFACHUFFACHUFFACHUFFACHUFFACHUFFACHUFFA ppssstt KA CHUNK CHUFFACHUFFACHUFFA woowoooooooooo ?
( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:11, Reply)

True they're still working on steam power in Liverpool.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:12, Reply)

When having a dibble with a vibrator they need a man at the foot of the bed to shovel coal into their crotches.

( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:15, Reply)

That's why Liverpool was so big in the Slave trade.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:16, Reply)

At least they have steam power.
We've yet to discover fire in Frodsham.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:19, Reply)

Frodsham - Named for the best hobbit.

(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:20, Reply)

Nah, Frodo lives in the next village along.
I should know, I bloody went out with him.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:21, Reply)

I like this

( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:26, Reply)

I read it as Frotsham. Disturbing images came to mind.

( Larry Vest One day at a time, sweet Jesus, FFS., Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:22, Reply)

A lot of people say that.
I live in a sexually deviant act.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:23, Reply)

I live near Pratt's Bottom.

( Larry Vest One day at a time, sweet Jesus, FFS., Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:30, Reply)

What, Norwich?

(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:45, Reply)

Yep
She was wearing an England shirt, but this was witheld from the press to save her next of kin from additional humiliation.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:25, Reply)

I expect to die in similar circumstances

(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:01, Reply)

fucks sake, metro is a shit paper.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:01, Reply)

Funny shit though.

(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:03, Reply)

I think it's a bit to phwoar of an article
to be about someones death.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:04, Reply)

Shut up, Booby Pirates

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:07, Reply)

fuck you osama in your magic cave with wireless, fuck you.

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:12, Reply)

What a spectacularly good response
Points, sir
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:13, Reply)

I think you might be my new favourite comedy account

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:13, Reply)

I think you might be my next victim

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:18, Reply)

Nah, you lost it already

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:22, Reply)

How very dignifide for the lady, I'm sure her family would all love to read that.
f'cks sake.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:04, Reply)

It's in the public domain and such "news" titillates the masses.

(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:18, Reply)

Agreed.
I have already had a DW whilst reading the article.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:22, Reply)

I'd actually
be proud to cark it like that
( rubberduck should only be used after consulting with your GP, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:11, Reply)

Enough of this nonsense - any B3tans in Lincoln?
My daughter needs somewhere to store her studenty junk for August while the Uni cleans out the halls. A few boxes, duvet, crap - money available up to the fuel costs of me going to collect it then take it back.

Meanwhile - this story has a real Victorian ring to it. Authority (male) says cause of death due to weakness of (female) mind.
Although the possibilty of third party involvement seems high to me.
( Larry Vest One day at a time, sweet Jesus, FFS., Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:11, Reply)

I'll gladly take care of your daughter's junk

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:12, Reply)

+ but you may get it back with nostril marks

( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:18, Reply)

You'll notice it doesn't mention what kind of pornography was playing
maybe she died of embarrasment
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:12, Reply)

Deaf porn :/

(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:17, Reply)

That's just normal porn
with an extra woman at the bottom left doing some strange fingering.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:19, Reply)

No-o
One of my mates put it on for a laugh. It's a deaf porn actress making the most terrifying noises while everyone else takes the piss out of her.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:20, Reply)

No-o
One of my mates put it on for a laugh. It's a deaf porn actress making the most terrifying noises while everyone else takes the piss out of her.
that was very funny well done.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:22, Reply)

Tourettes showed me how to do the sign language for Lesbian
It's a lot like waggling a classic Atari joystick
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:23, Reply)

Shut up.
I found a cover of Tainted Love by Imelda May the other day, its fucking awesome.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:30, Reply)

I know I've seen it live,
I've got a photo of the gig in my phone, but you can't really see her.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:37, Reply)

I hope she plays it when I go and see her.
It's beaten My Ruin as my favourite version of it.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:50, Reply)

I was about to post something facetious about the world and its neighbour having had a pop at Tainted Love at some point
but sensed this might be the wrong crowd. Have only heard the My Ruin and Marilyn Manson versions and am unfussed by either. Willing to be educated if anyone can recommend me where to find this one though
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:56, Reply)

www.youtube.com/watch?v=eIWBA8laiEM
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:57, Reply)

Work firewall turns out to be less shithouse than previously thought
Will check it out tonight, thanks AB
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 13:04, Reply)

(y)

(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 13:05, Reply)

So disability discrimination exists in the world of adult entertainment?!
My god, is nothing sacred?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:24, Reply)

Fucks sakes
That was very funny, Chompy, well done *pats on head, gives biscuit*
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:23, Reply)

Alright, calm down
just because you're shagging Diefenbecker
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:24, Reply)

I don't know who that is
but let's assume you're right
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:26, Reply)

deaf dog from Due South

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:30, Reply)

Yep, you've lost me
Don't worry, I like it this way
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:35, Reply)

Due South was a fairly popular TV show in the 90s
it was about a mountie who moved to New York to find his father's killer, he had a pet dog who was deaf, may have been a husky or wolf actually, but my point still stands; you're shagging a hard-of-hearing canine
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:38, Reply)

I think it was a husky
or maybe that was just its phone sex voice
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:39, Reply)

it was half-wolf, half-husky I believe

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:45, Reply)

its mother must have been a right slag

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:47, Reply)

That is probably the most obscure insult I've had this week
Well done. Take three points
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:43, Reply)

Ahem.

(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:47, Reply)

Oh, I can't be expected to remember EVERY insult I hear...

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:53, Reply)

What do you a deaf bumder?
Anything you want.

I SAID WHAT DO YOU CALL A DEAF BUMDER.

Oh FFS.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Fri 9 Jul 2010, 16:01, Reply)

\o/

(PsychoChomp, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:29, Reply)

True story here folx,
/ac

I was in Art class, pre-GCSE, and the teacher asked what is it called when you paint using your fingers, so I put my hand up and said "Fingering", and she chucked me out the class; I honestly didn't know what I did wrong, but the class was in hysterics. She told me after class to get a friend to explain it to me.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:37, Reply)

nnnggaaayyyeee
wannnn ooooo uck ooooor ick!
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:19, Reply)

According to my reseach...
...she had a "amazing personality and huge smile."

Huge one
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:21, Reply)

Why do they repeat the phrase 'open laptop' so much?
and 'The back door was locked and property was secure'.
( Larry Vest One day at a time, sweet Jesus, FFS., Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:26, Reply)

Perv code.
Euphemisms for sordid activities.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:31, Reply)

Also - it says the laptop was STILL displaying porn
How quickly did they find her? Most stuff on Redtube lasts less than ten minutes

Apparently
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:21, Reply)

If the laptop was plugged in
the webpage/DVD she was watching would still be on display, possibly on loop
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:23, Reply)

That was a bad moment to choose to give a serious answer

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:24, Reply)

still not so sure it counts as news
more as post-humous humiliation
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:26, Reply)

What's a tub of crushed chickpeas with a little garlic and lemon juice got to do with it?

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:27, Reply)

oops
my brain is rotting

the point still stands. I feel a bit sick and sad for her now
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:28, Reply)

Yeah that's fair enough
I suggest you cease thinking about it, I feel bad for her parents more than anything
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:36, Reply)

yeah
I'm just in a bad mood, so reading that made me feel a bit sad. Sorry to hear about the Sonisphere fail
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:37, Reply)

Me too
Am most upset about not getting to see you, Vipros or Pendulum. Not necessarily in that order. No offence. The best part is that a completely separate friend of mine texted me in a state of great excitement last night to say she'd managed to get VIP to Sonisphere
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:44, Reply)

you sure you can't buy a ticket?

( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:46, Reply)

Not unless I rob a bank, or use your kindly donated sponsorship money for my own nefarious purposes
No way I can afford Sonisphere and InFest, and I'm already committed to the latter
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:51, Reply)

aww pity
though I tell you Soni will be better than Infest (not trying to make you feel better here!)
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:52, Reply)

Possibly. It certainly has a better line-up
which is probably why tickets are three times as much. Realistically even if I pulled out of InFest, which I wouldn't cos a lot of my mates are going and I always have an awesome time there, I probably still couldn't afford Soni!
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:57, Reply)

I really hope her parents are B3tans.
Unlikely I know, but oh how wonderful that would be.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:49, Reply)

I set the whole thing up
she actually died on the crapper, but I moved her body and set up the porn for a laugh
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:26, Reply)

Who on earth watches porn on DVD?

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:25, Reply)

People with really slow internet connections

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:27, Reply)

or those not proficient with a search engine

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:32, Reply)

Old school wankers.

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:32, Reply)

which, by the looks of Off Topic
is a hell of a lot of people
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:32, Reply)

I don't understand

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:37, Reply)

people ask questions google could answer.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:40, Reply)

I had not noticed that

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:44, Reply)

Really?
You do actually read Off Topic, don't you?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:49, Reply)

*slow claps*

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:54, Reply)

Am i the only one who knew you were kidding
And why is Chompy doing nothing but answer all earnest, like he's Wikipedia?
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:55, Reply)

I'm in a good mood for once.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:56, Reply)

Quick help sheet for those who need it, bookmark for later use.
all NSFW
www.tube8.com
www.pornhub.com
www.redtube.com
www.pornmaxim
www.youjizz.com

I can't think of any more.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:38, Reply)

You should be staggeringly ashamed of yourself
Cheers

Going to war with the Badger then?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:48, Reply)

This is a public service announcement.
Ha no, I thought it might be funny to encourage some of the badger haters
the current list in my profile is a bit thin.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:55, Reply)

if you're going to do that
you should make them actual links, copying and pasting is too tricky for me.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:58, Reply)

yeah, I don't know how to do that yet.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:59, Reply)

To be fair you're targetting one man who's probably tried his best not to fall into the traps he punishes others for falling into
whereas he has all the numpties who post badly-written inanities on QOTW

Amazing that I'm not in the archive yet, frankly
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:59, Reply)

you must be awful lonely, Boobs

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:48, Reply)

for the rotters among you
www.extremetube.com

re the poor girl, what a way to go but not a good way to be found!!
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:52, Reply)

Haha, Chompy -you forgot to log back in as yourself!
You're a complete fail, Titty Buccaneer
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:54, Reply)

i think i can prove you wrong.....*formulates plan*

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:56, Reply)

boobs

(PsychoChomp, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:56, Reply)

www.empornium.com which I like for the name being a little more upmarket
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 13:00, Reply)