RAISIN UPDATE
As of last night’s suppertime my daughter’s nasal raisin has been joined by a kernel of sweetcorn, the foolish child has discovered a new game, it seems.

This doesn’t bode well for the future: Her mother and I were much older than two when we started sticking stuff up our noses that we shouldn’t…

Special thanks to Becky, Johnthedane Edmund, Sportscow and Tuggers (and anyone else I've forgotten) for your advice and assistance, much appreciated.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 11:48, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Oh gordon bennett!
Hope she's ok.
Mind out on JohnTheDane's advice. He's Edmund.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 11:49, Reply)

Mornin' Rootz
I concur, JtD does seem to be Ed returned.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 11:50, Reply)

Oh I do hope so.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 11:51, Reply)

I wonder if he'll murder me
I keep blowing the whistle on him
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 11:52, Reply)

He wishes you'd blow his whistle

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 11:53, Reply)

I am WAAAAY too slow

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 11:56, Reply)

Yours was more wordy

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 11:57, Reply)

He'd love you to 'blow the whistle on him' I'll bet.
After a night at La Boheme, perhaps?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 11:56, Reply)

Hahahah
it would appear I can smell an Edmund a mile off, and I was only here for the tail-end of his heyday.
As soon as he appeared I said "He's not Danish and he didn't run the marathon" but I had no idea until yesterday that he was Edmundo.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 11:56, Reply)

I never spoke to the guy directly
Because I'm not a girl, therefore off his preydar.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 11:59, Reply)

'Preydar' goes straight into lexicon - that's beautiful.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 12:00, Reply)

I had a moment of genius
Fleeting though it was, I'm proud.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 12:00, Reply)

So you should be

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 12:01, Reply)

I'll be gracious with it
And won't dine out on it as much as I have the pandatron pics.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 12:02, Reply)

Equally worthy, they're great *panders*

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 12:04, Reply)

I feel their time has come
Time to retire them gracefully.
Of course I'll probably forget and whip them out from time to time, especially 'Rwandatron' because it made the young ladies sad
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 12:05, Reply)

rwandatron was amazing
*is neither young nor a lady*
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 12:06, Reply)

You lie
You look positively ladylike with a parasol, and you're a long way from being old!
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 12:08, Reply)

ladylike old
old ladylike
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 12:14, Reply)

Haha you cunt

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 12:18, Reply)

Thank you
Thought you'd like that, haha
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 12:21, Reply)

While we're all boasting
I've got my eye on Rogerthestarfish too.
He's a fake of some sort. I don't know if he's a wotsit puppet or just a person pretending to be an American who visited England.
But summat's not right with him either.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 12:06, Reply)

Female Intuition tingling?
I'll reserve judgment, but you raise a good point.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 12:07, Reply)

Didn't he meet norrrrveners
we should get them to draw what he looks like and compare with the recent BBC programme
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 12:09, Reply)

if he met people, then I apologise.
I just couldn't believe all of those cliches happened to ONE man.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 12:10, Reply)

He may not have
I may have just made that up.
Let me get in my personal fighter jet and go to the North pole where I have a super computer that will cure bad aids one day
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 12:11, Reply)

Would you like to fuck up my hand some day?

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 12:12, Reply)

too easy
up
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 12:13, Reply)

i wondered who would do it

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 12:18, Reply)

You probably didn't wonder too long
I aim to please.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 12:20, Reply)

Now I think about it
YOU look an awful lot like the pic of Ed from the news...
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 12:12, Reply)

DOUBLE BLUFF
SHIT!!
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 12:18, Reply)

you're like Morse.

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 12:12, Reply)

Inspector or Code?
Both are pretty old.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 12:14, Reply)

Inspector has a better car than you though

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 12:15, Reply)

Most people do

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 12:15, Reply)

I want an Inspector Gadget car
that transforms from van to sportscar and has extendy legs for parkign in narrow gaps
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 12:19, Reply)

I'd like that
And it could raise up to ride over people. Then you can slam it down on top of arsehole women in convertibles that cut you up on roundabouts.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 12:21, Reply)

I'm Thaw!

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 12:22, Reply)

Well you shouldn't keep rubbing it then, should you

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 12:22, Reply)

Tho am I!
Thtupid Toothache.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 12:22, Reply)

I can't even pith!

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 12:24, Reply)

DID YOU KNOW....
In Canada they don't have Gordon Bennett, they have 'Godfrey Daniels': my father had a boat that he called Godfrey Daniels when he was a yout'man. That apparently passed for funny in early 60s Ontario.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 11:52, Reply)

That sounds well poshererer

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 11:54, Reply)

Gordon Bennett
was a real man, although it's a double barrelled surname, I think he was a Victorian publisher but cannot be arsed to Google.

EDIT God I'm sad; www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/gordon-bennett.html
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 11:57, Reply)

I bet he was friends with your great great grandfather
I actually mean this. I bet that it transpires that someone in your family knew him.
You're Edmund without the lying.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 12:00, Reply)

My grandfather and Kingsley Amis were sworn enemies.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 12:05, Reply)

See what I mean!!!

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 12:19, Reply)

Did you spot him by the "comprehensive medical knowledge"
copied and pasted directly from Wikipedia?
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 12:11, Reply)

Also, his tips on where to visit in Malmo
directly from tripadvisor
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 12:20, Reply)

Also, he's clearly not Danish.

( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 12:40, Reply)

When I was 3 or 4 years old
I stuck an aniseed ball up my nose. The doctors couldn't get it out, so I guess it's still up there.

Didn't do me no harm. Of course there are the blackouts and massive MOOD SWINGS, but when has that hurt anyone? (apart from all the people i've hurt in violent rages).
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 11:59, Reply)

what
they just left it up there? forever?

shocking medical negligence. you should sue. know any good lawyers?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 12:01, Reply)

Only the brazen hussy lawyers
aka the BEST ones.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 12:02, Reply)

you can't possibly be referring to me
well, maybe the word "best"
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 12:06, Reply)

It went so far up they decided to let it dissolve (it was only a small one)
but i'm up for some MASSIVE COURT-ACTION if you are.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 12:03, Reply)

well i am not a personal injury lawyer
but i am always up for MASSIVE ACTION. can we say you have suffered from any or all of the following as a consequence:

blindness, paralysis, amputation, cancer, parkinsons, AIDS, impetigo, impotence, deafness? these are the big ticket items that will buy us that island in the sun at the NHS's expense, my friend.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 12:06, Reply)

Impetigo?
Really?
(Zoz prayed for twink on, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 12:11, Reply)

i don't actually know what it is
skin complaint maybe?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 12:20, Reply)

isn't it a really infectious skin thing that looks like coldsores?
I remember someone at school got it and everyone acted like she had leprosy.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 12:21, Reply)

kid in our street had it
One day when I was out playing he got into my room and emptied my toybox.
I got home, saw him, and ran into the living room screaming "MUM, THE IMPETIGO BABY'S IN MY ROOM!"
Then I was packed off to Nana's for the weekend while my mum Dettol-ed everything.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 12:23, Reply)

Replace the word
"impetigo" with "black", and your family becomes horrible.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 12:24, Reply)

Hahah
It was still a bit mean of me, but she'd instilled me with such fear.
She used to say "Don't touch James. He's infectious" and I'd say "You mean Bumpy? He only plays with the naughty kids anyway." And she'd say "They're naughty for calling him that. Don't call him that. And don't play with him."
His parents used to leave him in the street then go out to shoplift.
The men from the mobile shop used to let him sit in there and get warm.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 12:30, Reply)

Classic Liverpool

(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 12:31, Reply)

aww it's like you lived during the blitz or something
but I guess it's just Liverpool.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 12:33, Reply)

To be fair, even the miscreants on our estate saw the Bumpy situation as extreme
and they called Social Services all the time. Nothing seemed to happen.
Then they won 50 grand on the bingo and moved to Blackpool.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 12:35, Reply)

And I'd have LOVED the Blitz.

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 12:36, Reply)

I don't think it's EXACTLY like Goodnight Sweetheart

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 12:50, Reply)

:(

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 13:19, Reply)

But then ...
if one kid gets chicken pox, all the parents want their child to play with them. Swings and roundabouts.
(Zoz prayed for twink on, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 12:34, Reply)

*dons scrubs and surgical mask*
Impetigo is a highly contagious bacterial skin infection most common among pre-school children.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 12:22, Reply)

That's what condoms are for!

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 12:24, Reply)

Yes it is
Kids get it often, some antibiotics usually takes care of it. Just wondering why it would be a big payout.
(Zoz prayed for twink on, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 12:24, Reply)

i was being totally flippant
and thereby showing my ignorance of both personal injury law and diseases!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 12:26, Reply)

I dunno, the psychological trauma that school children can cause
could be quite a high payout!
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 12:33, Reply)

Awesome, i'll take all of those medical complaints as a starter for 10
lets throw in "Hysterical Pregnancy" for good measure.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 12:13, Reply)

your witness statement is going to be great fun
tell me again how the doctor impregnated you with an aniseed ball, mr dracula...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 12:18, Reply)

Our civil guy was telling us how much you get for losing certain body parts
did you know a penis is only worth £15k?!

I asked my male friends what they thought their manhood was worth and one of them offered to sell me his for £8k.

He is pretty small though.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 12:14, Reply)

Some are worth more than others.

(PsychoChomp, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 12:16, Reply)

it is horrendous how little they are worth
a thumb is about £7k and an eye, which is the most expensive, is only about £60k.

however, you then get additional damages for pain and suffering, and then on top of that you claim for your loss of earnings etc. so if you were a porn star, you could expect considerably more than £15k...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 12:18, Reply)

haha that's true
I couldn't believe that a leg was only worth something like £8k, considering these people who get fake whiplash receive £2k.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 12:22, Reply)

or psychological trauma and get tens of thousands
i worked on the ladbroke grove rail disaster, in a tiny gimplike capacity. the number of people who died and were seriously injured... then you had loads of people who were perfectly healthy claiming tens of thousands of pounds because they were traumatised and couldn't bear to look a train in the face again.

yeah yeah. now take your four fully functioning limbs and sod off, there's people whose lives have been truly devastated here.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 12:25, Reply)

More importantly, why have I woken up with Dr. Hooks "When You're In Love With A Beautiful Woman" in my brain?

( broadsword, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 12:00, Reply)

because it's brilliant

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 12:01, Reply)

The last line sounds like an ode to onanism

"When you're in love with a beautiful woman you go it alone"
( broadsword, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 12:03, Reply)

Well, the mere thought of her would set you tugging wouldn't it.

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 12:04, Reply)

Miquita Oliver?
Nah, our love transcends the physical
( broadsword, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 12:06, Reply)

I've seen that mongol out in Shoreditch dozens of times.
She is not the most subtle cocaine user out there...
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 12:07, Reply)

I'll have to caution you there, thats my missus you're talking about

( broadsword, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 12:09, Reply)

Unlucky.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 12:30, Reply)

Jealousy is so ugly

( broadsword, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 13:16, Reply)

The only good thing I can say about Dr Hook
is that at least their success meant there was one less disabled cunt sponging off the state.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 12:07, Reply)

Was he a disabled?
he appears to now have the best website ever, it's got flashing stars and everything
( broadsword, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 12:08, Reply)

Best site of the week so far

(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 12:36, Reply)

I don't know who you're referring to
Instead I'm picturing Tinkerbell in Hook, and remembering the effect on my pyjama area she had when I was a kid.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 12:09, Reply)

ewww Julia Roberts munts

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 12:22, Reply)

Yeah this, the big lipped twat
Christ knows how she gets so many starring roles in feature films when Miquita is yet to star in one.
( broadsword, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 12:24, Reply)

I was a young teen, with hormones and everything
To quote Xander from Buffy "I'm a teenage boy, I'm aroused by linoleum".
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 12:25, Reply)

hahah that line always stuck with me too
I'm not sure why! I think it was the halloween band candy episode where Cordelia is dressed like a leopard. God I'm lame.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 12:31, Reply)

That would be lame
But Cordelia dresses as a leopard? Interesting!
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 12:33, Reply)

Yeah she's wearing a skin tight leopard print catsuit if I recall correctly
call yourself a fanboy?
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 12:51, Reply)

I can't think where a little girl would get the idea of sticking foreign bodies up her nose from.
Perhaps she is more observent of her father than he thinks.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 12:39, Reply)

In less civilised countries, mothers suck all blockages out of their children's noses.
Snot included.
( girlinthehole, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 12:40, Reply)

EEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 12:41, Reply)

I know.
Put me right off motherhood, that did.
( girlinthehole, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 12:43, Reply)

What's ew about that?
Save anaesthetic or moldy food up there.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 12:44, Reply)