My mate Stanley lost an eye using a lathe without the proper guards. True story.
Apart from the name. He was called Paul. But then I couldn't have strained out a weak one-eyed Stan pun to please the millions.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sun 16 Mar 2014, 13:37, 3 replies)

I lament having my one night stand
my ex took the one from her side of the bed when she moved out and I can't find a new one to match it
( Reme Philips laid an epic dump on, Sun 16 Mar 2014, 11:46, Reply)

I hate one night stands.
I by far prefer to have a small table on either side of the bed.
( Wanderer, Sun 16 Mar 2014, 11:05, 2 replies)

He claimed...
he didn't care when he found out I porked his sister. After I'd been married for 3 years or so, he started making overtures towards my wife. She threw me out to make room for him. They got married, then, 6 or so years later, divorced. The one he'd thown out to be with my ex ended up marrying me. 17 years later, we're still on...
(thanatos, Sun 16 Mar 2014, 2:37, 10 replies)

one-night stop
getting extremely passionate with a bloke i'd picked up one night, we learned a very important lesson: no matter how much you want a shag, DO NOT take your pants off at the top of the stairs.a slip, a lot of clattering, banging, bouncing and swearing, a ride in an ambulance and 6 hours in a&e followed. my unlucky gentleman friend landed himself a broken arm, a fractured collarbone and a great many scrapes and bruises.
and me? all i got was bruises, due to landing on something soft, namely him.
length? never did get to find out :(
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sat 15 Mar 2014, 17:11, 6 replies)

Why do birds suddenly appear
every time I'm no longer single?
( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Sat 15 Mar 2014, 13:20, 10 replies)

We met at a party, we went back to mine and had sex, slept the night, and in the morning she left, as we politely and insincerely told each other we should do it again some time.
I then went about the day's business, which that week required me going up to Manchester for a couple of days to see my mate.

On my return, my frazzled flatmates told me of the 40+ 'phone calls they'd fielded, each slightly more aggressive, and then suicidal than the last.

On cue, the 'phone then rang, which I answered, to a screaming voice demanding 'Where the FUCK have you been?! WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME WHERE YOU WERE?! YOU DON'T LOVE ME!'

No - damn straight I don't.

Whoa.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Sat 15 Mar 2014, 12:52, 3 replies)

Do you remember the first time?
I can't remember a worse time.
( Zuowan, Sat 15 Mar 2014, 1:38, 2 replies)

i am the only member that has had sex with more than one woman
Therfor I should win, I have a list
( spanishfly is so fucking sexy people impersonate him, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 22:49, 12 replies)

Could Liemallow please post the story about his mate, a slag and the chilli oil?

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 21:31, 2 replies)

Anyway, it was dark and a tube of something was mistaken for a tube of something else.

( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 20:03, 8 replies)

Oh well I'm the type of guy who will never settle down
Where pretty girls are well, you know that I'm around
I kiss 'em and I love'em 'cause to me they're all the same
I hug 'em and I squeeze 'em they don't even know my name
They call me the wanderer, yeah the wanderer
I roam around around around...

Oh well there's Flo on my left and there's Mary on my right
And Janie is the girl with that I'll be with tonight
And when she asks me which one I love the best
I tear open my shirt I got Rosie on my chest
'Cause I'm the wanderer, yeah the wanderer
I roam around around around...

Oh well I roam from town to town
I go through life without a care
'Til I'm as happy as a clown
With my two fists of iron and I'm going nowhere

I'm the type of guy that likes to roam around
I'm never in one place I roam from town to town
And when I find myself a-fallin' for some girl
I hop right into that car of mine and ride around the world
Yeah I'm the wanderer, yeah the wanderer
I roam around around around...

Oh yeah I'm the type of guy that likes to roam around
I'm never in one place I roam from town to town
And when I find myself a-fallin' for some girl
I hop right into that car of mine and ride around the world
Yeah 'cause I'm a wanderer yeah a wanderer
I roam around around around...
'Cause I'm a wanderer, yeah a wanderer
I've got twenty five children and every STI known to man
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 19:12, Reply)

Assumption is the mother of all fuckups.
Picture the scene.

In a grotty pub called The Station House in Chingford North London I am very drunk. This is not particularly unusual. Most of my friends have disappeared to various corners or headed home after a long evening.

I'm leaning dangerously on the bar when I strike a conversation with a young lady. Drinks are purchased and somehow I convince her to come back to my place.

As we are getting all hot and heavy I decide that things need a little helping hand and so delve into my bedside drawer to find some lube. Scrabbling round in the dark my sweaty mitts clamp down upon a metallic squeeze tube. I apply a liberal amount to my Johnson and plough away.

After about thirty seconds I feel a strange tingling sensation on my hands. Knowing that it was the Durex tingle lubricant that I had purchased I was not duly alarmed by this and as the young lady appeared to be thoroughly enjoying herself I continued.

After about two minutes of her panting becoming steadily more erratic and breathless she began to complain of a burning sensation. Thirty second later and a sentence is uttered that will go to my grave with me.

"fuck me my cunts burning". she dives off me and asks where the shower is. I show her and leave her to attempt to cool her throbbing loins.

At this moment, having flicked on my bedroom light, I realise the problem. In my haste I had forgotten that I kept a small tube of deep heat in my bedside drawer for use the morning after a rugby match.

Suffice to say in my drunken state I had just used deep heat as lube.

The poor girl in the shower was no in tears and borderline hysterical. I phoned NHS direct and asked what I should do and they said that a trip to A and E may be advisible. Unable to drive the lady told me to call 999.

Having loaded a stricken, half naked hysterical girl into his ambulace the Paramedic asked me to explain just how the injuries happened. I explained to him and he laughed so hard he went purple and I thought I would have to call an ambulance for him. I had to fetch him a glass of water before he could drive. off.

I did offer to accompany her to the hospital but she'd already called her mum to meet her there and didn't think it would be a good idea.

I did call to apologise a couple of times but she never came back to me.
(kickstandrich last had sex with your mum/sister/wife/daughter on, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 18:40, 5 replies)

This is tenuous at best.
But here's how pubs round my way are marking March 14th.


( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 18:37, 7 replies)

Been here before, so here's a lazy repost:
www.b3ta.com/questions/morningaftersouvenirs/post1601484
( Varmint, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 18:18, Reply)

i just really hate you all so much

( The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 16:52, 6 replies)

Can someone provide us with an example of a one night stand-up at some point?
A transcript of a routine would be ideal.
( Muns, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 16:22, 3 replies)

I enjoyed everyone of them
and I regret the skanks I didn't do. What use is pride 20years on?
(waxdart hello., Fri 14 Mar 2014, 15:54, 1 reply)

The only time I ever got a stranger home..
The girl was beginning to undress, and I went to switch off the light, when she suddenly stopped and stared and shouted "what the fuck is that!?"
That was my Nun Lightstand.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 15:26, 1 reply)

I managed to impress her by unscrewing her tongue piercing as we kissed
She was considerably fatter than I had anticipated

I ran away
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 14:59, 6 replies)

I have a few that i could choose from, I have gone with "The Nobbit - An Unexpected Threesome"
some equally as disturbing as the last and some epic nights.

I will choose a TRUE story that happened about 4 years ago just after i had moved into my new apartment.

First we have to start at the beginning which is approximately 6 months before this event took place, and yes i know the ridicules will come (more than i did anyway) but i don't care honesty is the best policy and all that.

I used to do steroids, Dianabol, testosterone enanthate and trenbalone. It was called a "stack", tren shuts you down hugely, coming off this stuff and not doing PCT properly can lead to serious dysfunction in the trouser department, you may as well be that guy who had his cock chopped off yesterday.

So anyway night out in town, I had been having a casual thing with a lady friend we will call D. Met up with her in town with friends, later on bumped into an old school friend who i used to like, like really like like years ago. Cut to 3am staggering around town now as a rather large group of us and decide fuck it back to mine to carry on.

We get back people are partying, music, drink, massive drugs etc. Miss D and myself and the previous school crush stood in the kitchen and the conversation turns to fantasies, i think that this came from me talking about how i used to fantasize about the ex school friend. The subject turns to threesomes, i say its my fantasy to get my schlong smoked by two hotties at the same time, after a few whispers and giggles and massive drugs they agree (I didnt ask honest).

I sneak off to my bedroom, one joins me,then the next.....AND ITS FUCKING ON! Except IT FUCKING ISN'T ON AT ALL - nothing is happening in the trouser department....no matter how hard they try, now matter how hard i try the one thing i cant do IS GET HARD. Oh the Irony.

Anyway about 3 weeks later we agreed to meet up and do it again and this time it worked.

Believe what you want.

Ashamed.

TL:DR - my cock didn't work - but it does now.
( spanishfly is so fucking sexy people impersonate him, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 14:45, 4 replies)

I've not had many one night stands
but one of the few I did resulted in an awkward moment when I was moving downwards for a bit of munching fun and was confronted by some white string and an embarassed "OH GOD, I forgot I had my period! Sorry!"

Followed by her actually leaping up, shoving her coat on and literally running out the door and up the road, never to be seen again.
( watashi-wa Evenin'!, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 13:30, 1 reply)

Failed
It was one of those end-of-school parties and everyone was looking to cop off. Somehow I found myself with the lovely Liz. Pretty, pneumatic and with an '80s fringe you could cut cheese with, I had lusted after her for a while. She pinned me down on the sofa and stuck her tongue in my mouth. As she ground her hips against mine I tried to raise a hand to get a grope of her boobs, which in my mind always seemed to float about 6" away from her body. But she was lying right on top of me and my arms were pinned by my sides. So keeping my tongue rotating in her mouth to distract her I slowly inched my left hand up until, with my thumb, I managed to poke the side of one enormous breast. "That is so sexy", she whispered wetly in my ear, then stood up, took my hand and dragged me to the bedroom.

As was tradition, the bed was covered in coats, but luckly no shagging couples. She pushed me down on the bed and started snogging me again, and this time I had free access to her levitating tits. My erection was about bursting out of my tight white jeans(this was the '80s) and before I knew it Liz's hand strayed down, unzipped my flies and started massaging my trembling cock. I was convinced I was going to get a shag, or at least a blow job, when suddenly the door burst open and bastard Steve popped his head in. "Oi, Liz, are you coming with me or what?" Bastard Steve had a car, and Liz shouted back "Just a minute". Steve left, Liz looked at me wistfully, still holding my quivering erection and said "I can't leave you like that, can I?" She gave my cock a few quick and worryingly well-practised tugs, dodged the flying spunk, pecked me on the cheek, then ran after bastard Steve, leaving me flushed, open-mouthed and floppy-dicked on the pile of coats.

Post Scriptum: Next time I saw Liz, a couple of years later, she had become a female wrestler and could apparently crack walnuts with her biceps.
(Smale is stuffed, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 11:43, 3 replies)

My housemate turned up at 11am on Sunday morning and announced he had a new girlfriend, and we'd be meeting her that evening.
The only snag was that he'd drunk enough the previous night that he'd blacked out for a couple of hours, and couldn't remember anything much about her, not even her name.

So this was our mission; we were to meet her and her friends at the pub, and were going to engineer it so that she'd introduce herself to us - then when she went to the toilet we'd tell him his new girlfriend's name / any other basic info we could pick up. What could possibly go wrong?

Ten minutes after we arrived in the pub she was standing up with him in the upstairs bar screaming "YOU DON'T KNOW MY FUCKING NAME, DO YOU?!?!" and slapping him hard in the face, again, and again and again. The other thirty or forty people sitting around us; friends, acquaintances, strangers, were all sitting silently, trying to stifle their laughter.

That was the end of that relationship.
( Zuowan, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 11:26, 17 replies)

MASSIVE MINGE
I had taken an unwise amount of acid. She had the hairiest minge I have ever seen

Fucking freaked me out
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 10:14, 16 replies)

Not a disaster per sé
But certainly memorable.

Was a young, virulent 22 year old at the time. Had just graduated from Sussex uni having a remarkably uneventful sex life of 3 shags in 3 years. Not what I had expected Uni to be (where were the queues of nymphos!?).

Anyway, I graduate and move back up to London. But it's a mates birthday back in Brighton September so of I trot to retread old drinking grounds with mates. But alas, there's a new girl there, she's alright she is. So you know, I start making my moves and he doesn't run away (probably due to the broken toe she has). Some drinks are shared and then someone drops a glass on her broken toe. Whoops. Not me (honest). So I take her to the first aid tent like the gentleman I am and offer to get walk/carry her home. The medical officer's first response is "Do you know this boy, love?". Thanks for that. But she agrees and I do the gentlemanly thing I walk her to the door. Kiss goodnight, leads to other things which was lovely. Admittedly it's hard to pick a position with someone in a foot cast. But you make do. Morning comes and we part ways with the standard awkward affair.

The next weekend comes by and I'm back down in Brighton to see some of the same mates. We cheer my heroics from the weekend before, what a legend I am, eh? Until my mate bursts out laughing and points out she had just got engaged that very morning. Whoops.
(Flabberghasted, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 10:13, 8 replies)

Well, I met this girl in a pub and
we were

NO YOU DIDN'T, SEX LIES.

Sigh.
(username failed moderation, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 9:45, 2 replies)

I wish it hadn’t happened but it did
We met online, got chatting, seemed to get on. She liked my news links & details of my terrific lifestyle in Milton Keynes; nights out at the ice rink, nights in with my homebrew, that sort of stuff. She seemed to be rather vain but it was so unusual for someone to show genuine interest in me that I thought we *had* to meet. After all, I hadn’t had a shag for a couple of years, since I’d moved departments at the NHS – being away from the admin work of the geriatric wards had reduced my opportunities to be charming & witty with the older ladies.

After a few months of messaging, she finally found a gap in her diary (she has a large circle of amazing friends, so is always busy) and we arranged to meet. It meant leaving the security of Milton Keynes, but having not been to London since a school trip in 1996 I was seen to see our majestic capital once again. I counted down the days, marking them off on my Dr Who calendar. Finally the day arrived. I ironed my best pants (Star Trek Next Generation in case you were wondering), polished my glasses, put on my best pleather jacket and headed down to "the smoke".

We met in a pub Kensington. I got there first, settled down in the corner with a half of mild (in my opinion not as good as the stuff I make myself) and flicked through the latest edition of Paperclip Monthly while I waited for her to arrive. When she turned up she looked a lot less attractive than I’d been led to believe and was certainly a lot chunkier and more ginger than I’d been hoping for, but I thought, I’m here now, I’ve got my Pizza Express voucher to use, so what the hell.

After a couple of drinks we decided to head off from the pub to get something to eat. Using my charm & wit I persuaded her to let me push the boat out & take her to Pizza Express. My word! What an appetite she had! I’ve never seen anyone polish off 8 large Fiorentina pizzas before. Plus 137 dough balls! I had my usual Margherita, washed down with a Peroni while she guzzled 4 bottles of Pinot Grigio. We chatted casually, she responded well to my anecdotes of my jet set career in the NHS and before we knew it two whole hours had past.

The effect of the two halves of mild & the Peroni were now making themselves known, so I wandered off to the gents. By the time I came back she’d paid the bill. I was a bit disappointed – I’d been looking forward to using my voucher in a different branch of my favourite posh restaurant. By now she was a bit tipsy – her cankles were wobbling as she tottered on her heels. Yes! This would be my chance. Outside the restaurant she took my arm and said “would you like to see the flat my dad bought for me? In truth it’s only half a flat, but I like it”.

We walked back to what turned out to be little more than a bedsit. Taking her in my arms (well, as much as I could – she was a big girl) we kissed. I tried my best to ignore her horrendous halitosis and started to walk to towards what looked like a bedroom door. I tried turning the handle – it was locked. “Oh not that one” she slurred, before taking my hand, “come in to the spare room”

We kissed again. It took all my strength to undo her bra and I felt quite queasy when these saggy, blue veined gigantic spaniels ears were revealed. We lay down on the spare bed & her breasts immediately flopped under her armpits. I persevered. Straining hard I slowly lifted her gunt & she wriggled out of her knickers. The smell. Oh my god. The smell. A little bit of Margherita came back up in to my mouth but I swallowed it back down and fumbled around trying to find her slack fishy minge. My now my peepee was starting to tingle, so I pushed both my inches towards I think was her vagina. But then I looked down. Ginger pubes! Arrgghhh! No! Straggly, ginger pubes going all the way down to her sweaty arse.

I could take no more. It had been one of the strangest days of my life, I’d put up with her vacuous tales of conveyancing, swallowed my pride when she paid for lunch and tried my best to do sex with her despite the physical challenges. I hauled my trousers on, grabbed my jacket and sprinted back to the station, desperate to get back to the comfort of Milton Keynes as fast as I could. Once home, I uncorked a bottle of homebrew to get over the experience and reflected on what had happened.

All these years later I still wonder what was behind that locked bedroom door.
(_Battered_, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 9:03, 49 replies)

This qotw is genuinely the one and only time I wish psychochomp was still posting.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 8:43, 16 replies)

Does it count as a one night stand if you didn't gain her consent?
If so, I've had lots.
( Muns, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 8:30, 6 replies)