Here's some actual stuff
There are several issues I would like to address but I don’t have strong enough views on them each to fill a post and make it interesting, so I’ll consolidate all my existing complaints into one outstanding rant.

Americans, please stop with this sickening and overt patriotism. Your country has done fairly well for itself economically but please stop acting like Vietnam never happened and you’re all walking around with bald eagles tattooed on your star-spangled twelve-inch cocks. It is my personal opinion that Britain is in fact the best country in the world, however I don’t feel the need to go bragging about it- I can sit silently smug in a land of good food, strong currency and well-observed tradition without having to compensate for my insecurities by storming into random third-world countries, shitting all over them then pulling out around the time they start wondering how the fuck they’re going to sort out that mess. ... ... Well, yes, point taken, but we only did it because you did!

Religious people, you’re all quite clearly a bunch of raving lunatics. If I had my way religion would be banned and the world would be a nicer place- the World Trade Centres would still be standing, psychotic fundamentalists wouldn’t shout at me from podiums on the street and Hitler would have a far better historical reputation. The fact that you continue to argue against sound scientific reasoning with half-assed arguments and illogical bullshit simply furthers the notion that you’re barking mad. If someone hears aliens in their teeth they get locked up, but if several million people talk to their imaginary friend the Jewish zombie who was his own father in order to remove an evil from their soul that’s there because the rib-woman ate a magic apple, that’s perfectly normal- encouraged, even. Clearly, there’s not only safety but sanity in numbers.

Old people, I appreciate that in your twilight years you deserve a degree of respect and priority but please don’t act like it’s your God-given right to claim seats on buses, barge ahead in queues and just generally act like total wankers. At the end of the day it’s my choice whether or not I would like to give up a seat for you on the bus and you have no authority whatsoever to get pissy with me if you can’t sit down for a pathetic little journey you probably could have walked in the time it took to wait for a bus.

People who do unnecessary things, I must insist you stop this immediately. Doing so slows down the efficiency of everything around you and therefore the world. The man who comes daily into my coffee shop and asks for “a cup of fresh orange juice” would save around six minutes a year if he simply asked for orange juice. I’m not going to serve it to him inside a hollowed out oxen scrotum six weeks out of date so he doesn’t need to specify freshness nor mode of containment. And people who wait at bus stops where there is only one bus that services that particular stop- don’t bother flagging the bus. Despite the fact that the driver probably came into this country curled up in the back of a lorry he has intelligence enough to work out why you are standing at a bus stop.

People too easily offended- piss off, cunts. Get off that high horse of yours and realise that a simple four letter word or a flash of thigh before seven p.m. will not cause your children to grow up into slavering sex-fiends who steal women’s underwear before masturbating in their bras and strangling them during coitus. They turn out like that because you probably bathed them until they were fifteen, you possessive old cow. I think the world would be a better place if there were no “bleeps” or censorship on TV. If the programme is called Katy’s Wild Nipple Tassel Orgy and the warning beforehand says that the show contains sexual scenes, strong language and scenes of drug use then don’t watch it. If you do, don’t be surprised when your delicate sensibilities are offended the minute a couple are shown in the same bed or the image of a family eating without saying grace is broadcast. Oh yes, this post contains frequent swearing and strong points of view that may clash with your mid-century, Church of England, English-not-British, “tea is served at seven, Charles” view. So fuck off if you don’t like it.

Anti-Iraq protestors, please give it up. Yes, the US went in on a bunch of lies and yes, they’ve totally ballsed it up over there, but let’s take the Magnus Magnusson approach, shall we? We’ve started so we’ll finish. Even if your stoned, liberal hippie brains can’t accept this then please don’t go down London waving your hand-made, green, organic signs like they’ll make a difference. The following conversation will never take place at 10 Downing Street:

“Prime Minister, there appear to be a few dozen unwashed students outside asking you to pull out of Iraq and Afghanistan.”

“Och aye tha noo! We’d best be doin’ that then, crivens!”

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals- you’re all a bunch of fucking nutcases. Veganism is impractical and nutritionally unsound, animals are not equal to humans and the natural, Darwinist order of the food chain demands we eat them. And they taste fucking good too, and yes, a lot of them also make excellent clothes.

St. Maddy lovers*- she is one little girl who went missing. It’s tragic, and it should have been a one-week story. But the tabloids have pounced on this like rapists on a nun and they’re sodomising and face-fucking the life out of it. Ashia Jabbi, aged 2; Ying Lee, aged 4; Benjamin Marsh, aged 3; Dorothy Powell, aged 9… Oh, sorry. They’re just a few of the children who have gone missing since May and not been widely reported. OK, for Ashia and Ying that would be normal in Western media but Benjamin and Dorothy are white!

*This was originally written for my blog in September 2007 at the height of the furore.
(MJPerry was crude but clickable at, Thu 1 May 2008, 23:17, 19 replies)

lol
"because the rib-woman ate a magic apple"
love it XD

*clicks*
(Freak on a Leash is jerking off to centre himself on, Thu 1 May 2008, 23:27, closed)

I think..
We may just be twins...

Especially regarding PETA, they're a bunch of fucknuts.
( Axai is in Montréal, Canada O.o, Thu 1 May 2008, 23:34, closed)

As an American, I feel the need to say
HELL YES on that first point. Honestly, people who go on and on about how great our country is fill me with the desire to shove a bald eagle talons-first up their rectum and shove their teeny little genitalia into its beak. And then wipe my ass on a flag and shove it in their mouth.

I've had more than enough of the war jingoism and Pappy Bush's Paranoid Patriotism. And I'm an American!

But as an American, please let me assure you that the vast majority of Americans are more of my attitude than of the Red neck, White sock and Blue ribbon beer variety.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 1 May 2008, 23:36, closed)

.
hmm an impressive level of bile there, well done. I'm with you on a lot of those items but take issue with the religion free world...lets face it they would find something else to fight over so it probably wouldn't make a lot of difference.
(cmouse is pondering about life in other jobs, Thu 1 May 2008, 23:42, closed)

@RL
Yeah, but showing your average American to be as logical, well-informed and, well, normal, as us doesn't allow us to feel smugly superior when we watch the news or read the tabloids.
Your avergare Daily Mail reader likes to think every country we've ever governed has gone to shit since the Empire collapsed.
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Thu 1 May 2008, 23:48, closed)

and
*clicks*
( Adolf Jitler is editor of Practical Shoelace Collector, Thu 1 May 2008, 23:56, closed)

You sir
seem to be directly reading my mind. Anything else you find in there is probably better ignored I think.
(Prof. Moriarty put his foot in it on, Fri 2 May 2008, 0:13, closed)

"People too easily offended- piss off, cunts."
But you complain at a gentleman who adds the redundant word "fresh" to his request for orange juice?

I suggest pot is calling kettle grimy arse!

EDIT: And to the American who replied earlier... Most Americans I have encountered (and I work with them frequently) are charming and courteous and we should learn from this. But a little more world awareness wouldn't go amiss...
(Super Jet Shoes, Fri 2 May 2008, 1:12, closed)

Not bad...
...but next time, don't hold back is my advice.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Fri 2 May 2008, 8:58, closed)

"don’t bother flagging the bus"
My nearest stop only has one service but the amount of times a bus has breezed pass because I didn't follow the exact "community vehicle cessation procedure" (or whatever it says in the bus driver's manual) has left me paranoid about the whole arm sticking out business.

I mean we can't trust ALL bus drivers can we?
(Bunbury, Fri 2 May 2008, 9:13, closed)

I'm not sure
I'm not sure that there's any point in reading the rest of this QOTW now.

Fucking MARVELOUS.
(lei, Fri 2 May 2008, 9:49, closed)

*click*
One cup of fresh orange juice please.
( my_cat_has_no_shoes meh meh meh MEH MEH, Fri 2 May 2008, 9:58, closed)

Brilliant.
Some bits I don't completely agree with, but it's really well-written, very funny, and you get bonus clicks for use of the word "crivens".

*click*
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Fri 2 May 2008, 10:09, closed)

Very
Very agreeable with my opinions.
Very funny and well written.
Very definite *click*.
(Greencloud Wanted to go fishing on, Fri 2 May 2008, 11:54, closed)

“Och aye tha noo! We’d best be doin’ that then, crivens!”
Neither Gordon Brown nor any other Scottish person I've ever met talks like this, unless being paid to do so (e.g. in a 1950s film) or for comic effect.

This is where you lost me.

Old chap.
( MisterPunch did it that way on, Fri 2 May 2008, 12:21, closed)

Excuse me
Tea is served at four, old bean.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 2 May 2008, 13:25, closed)

I'm gay, and even I want to watch "Katy’s Wild Nipple Tassel Orgy" now. Curiosity!

"Veganism is impractical and nutritionally unsound"

Nutritionally, you need to try a little harder to get what you need, but you're UTTERLY wrong on practicality; when it takes 7kg of grain to produce 1kg of meat, it's ridiculous to keep doing that when we're in the midst of a food crisis.
(Musuko, Fri 2 May 2008, 16:33, closed)

Reply to cmouse
cmouse:
"I'm with you on a lot of those items but take issue with the religion free world...lets face it they would find something else to fight over"

MJPerry didn't say that a religion-free world would mean that no-one fought any more: merely that it would be a nicer place. Of course not all wars are caused by religion.. it's human nature to fight. The point is, however, that religion causes a lot more harm than good, and a world without it would be wonderful.
(EuroSong I love horse meat: best of all the animals, Sun 4 May 2008, 9:54, closed)

*Click*
...zombie, rib-woman, magic apple. Couldn't have said it better meself!
(SE 27139 What the fuck is THAT?, Mon 5 May 2008, 23:04, closed)