Bad Toys
What did you get up to with your catapult when you were wee?
( b3tz, Thu 3 Apr 2008, 10:02, Reply)

What don't you get?
Me, I never 'got' South Park and I had to tollerate two house mate who would do silly voices, say quotes and generally find opportunities to shout 'You Bastards!' before giggling to themselves.

Why I never got it I don't know. Loads of people loved that show, not me.

Why?
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 2 Apr 2008, 20:38, 4 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

selfish bastards
who are they and why?


addresses for letter bombs much appreciated
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Wed 2 Apr 2008, 20:26, Reply)

What's the most pain you've ever felt...
One for the ladies I think. I guess childbirth is a biggie. However bikini waxing may come a close second.
( girlinthehole, Wed 2 Apr 2008, 13:47, 27 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

What's the stupidest place you've got stuck ?
Aged about 8 I got myself trapped in a turnstyle at the entrance to our local Payless DIY store.

The firebrigade were called and the turnstyle had to be dismantled to get me out.

Where have you got stuck and what did it take to release you?
(Reverend Samson Fapohunda B3tan, B3tan, B3tan, B3tan, Wed 2 Apr 2008, 11:37, Reply)

Childhood misconceptions
Did you think the Queen and Mrs. Thatcher were sisters? Did you think Adam and Eve were Jesus's grandparents? Did you confuse caffiene and chlorine? How about pheremones and hemmoroids? Did you used to think that a 'lib' was part of a woman's anatomy?
Tell us about your childhood misconceptions and how they shaped your worldview.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Tue 1 Apr 2008, 22:39, 5 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Things you (or someone) only realised many years later
At school, there was this kid called ****** Kerr. His friends had given him the nickname Juan. ****** assumed it was because he looked Spanish. It was only several years later when thinking about his schooldays that he cottoned on. Tell us your stories about late realisations.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Tue 1 Apr 2008, 22:27, Reply)

Viva la revolucion
What's your idea of how the revolution will be carried out and what will happen afterwards.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Tue 1 Apr 2008, 22:17, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

Seeing as it's April Fool's Day.
My mum works in a school and one year for April Fool's Day the headteacher organised an assmebly and announced to the children that they would have to come in on Saturday mornings to make up for lost time. About half of the children became really distressed and through sobs said, "But . . but . . I see my Daddy on Saturday mornings and that's the only time I'm allowed to see him in the week."

Sort of backfired. So does anyone else have stories about jokes or pranks that backfired?
( Fluffy elephants, Tue 1 Apr 2008, 12:11, Reply)

Team building
HR - for those who cant teach.

I cant say i have much faith in team building - considering the majority of my collegues would happily stab (and twist a bit - then douse in TCP) anyone in the back.

But.

They have insisted that we spend a day doing teambuilding.

Have you got any experiences with this - if so - did you win a set of crayons.
( KISS.ME.WHERE.I.POO Signed the sex offenders register on, Tue 1 Apr 2008, 11:06, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

review a restaurant
fo' shizzle, as they say

evening .. sitting at Queen Street on a train that smells of cheap junk food (cheers, adjacent bloke), waiting til 8pm on the dot when it heads back east ... been working (sic) at The Agency today, earning actual money catering to bank executives who have a shakier grasp of language than alan partridge on a peculiarly unselfconscious literary jag ... maroon blazers would not diminish them, with the liberal application of phrases such as "hurt the opposition" they shall not fade

actually hung on for a bit after work to check out a restaurant ... not done any xxxxxxxxxx.xx.xx reviewing for months and since they pay £20 a go (no expenses) i opted for subsidised tea at a new seafood place in princes square, the upmarket shopping mall de nos jours in scotland's great urban centre

to give it its due, it aims at an ethical fish policy and has titled itself the Striped Bass ... it's on the second floor with concourse tables which means several seats are splendidly vertiginous, overlooking the two-and-a-half storey drop down to the floor below - the interior of the restaurant is simply trendy ...

short wine list, simple menu, a few specials ... devilled mackerel starter came with salad where the overwhelming taste of dressing virtually disguised the fish (which was itself insufficiently devilled) ... white wine (moulin de gassac) was fine ... the background mall music ranges from the eagles to pink floyd and back again ("we don't need no education", plaintive harmonica as coke fiends from 1970s california essayed Doollin' Dalton, "easy money, faithless women, red eye whisky ... for the pain")

the phone call to the place earlier in the afternoon had set the tone i think

"oh hi, what time do you start serving this evening please?"
"last oarders iz at nine"
"no, what time do you *start* serving?"
"wiz opan aw day"
"ah right [how the fuck was i supposed to know] so do you do a pre-theatre menu?"
"therz a day menu, then the dinner menu cums oan at six"
"ah right, thanks"

yeah, i'm snobbish, whatever, but one would expect Glasgow's latest ethical seafood eaterie to employ waitresses who can answer basic phone enquiries without sounding bored and supercilious ... (she was actually from Hampshire)

there was a specials board (scallops, Loch Fyne oysters, smoked haddock rarebit) but a simple sturdy main course seemed best: smoked haddock fishcake with a wee fillet of sustainable farmed sea bass atop ... with some salad on top of that .. with more of the same fucking ridiculous salad dressing that was handicapping the starter ... and the special Striped Bass side salad had (oh yesh) yet more lashings of dressing that seemed like a collision between mayo and creme fraiche with added pungency (and oil) ...

given the fishcake was the cheap main course (5p shy of £11), Striped Bass provided an 'added value solution' with champagne and caviar sauce, puddled round the fishcake like the jewelled effluvium of jabba the hutt ... ah, okay, that was unfair .. it was just a cheap way to look posh

[cue for a PhD on the social norms of glasgow and its post-industrial proles, aspirational but lacking assurance, grasping at prestige like a business banking executive desperate for a telling phrase reaching for the word 'deliverables' - all in comparison to edinburgh with its generations of financial, legal and governmental smugness well capable of ordering the organic venison with jus and not breaking stride in a sentence about this year's invite from the queen to holyrood week ... in aberdeen of course the comparable couple would be indoors, on the second bottle of white port, wondering how it had all come to this, occasionally wanking in front of a webcam in liaison with a portly lady from baton rouge]

ah yes, but the food conclusion - Striped Bass is the Pizza Express of fish. Demotic, reasonable in its own way, unexciting, dependable, and drowned in dressing ... Sometimes it's what you need; it's hardly ever what you want ... it will go like a fair until it stops then Glaswegians will turn to something else

meanwhile, don't order the salad

x

starter plus main course, glass of sparkling mineral water, two glasses of white wine: £25.30

i just noticed they forgot to charge for the second glass of wine so it should have been £30.05

the PIN machine didn't prompt me for a tip and i didn't have cash; i am a bad man
( writerblock ... embedding disabled by request on, Mon 31 Mar 2008, 22:00, 2 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Animals: Not To Be Trusted
Every time, and I mean every single time I've been on a horse, I've been thrown off of it.

Cases in point, m'lud:

1) Clacton Seafront, Circa 1988.

Dad, in his worldly wisdom, had decided to use one of his access days to take me to the seaside. After an hour of badgering from yours truly, he finally relented and let me go on a horse ride. These horses were led around an oval by what can only be described as pikeys. My horse stopped to graz at the cud.

The pikey leading the horse behind smacked my horse on the ass (oh, dear). Horse then transferred me from its back to the floor, head-first.

2) Circus, Circa 1989

I was taken to the circus! To cut a long story short, there was this bit where a lady rode around the big top on a shire horse, and then was launched in to the air by means of a rope attached to her waist that went all the way up to the ceiling. She flew through the air with the greatest of ease. Graceful she was. The ringmaster asked which of the boys and girls would like a go on the horse.

I shot my hand in to the air, desperate to be picked, and I was.

My suspicions were not aroused when they affixed a giant leather belt to my waist. Nor were they when they attached a sodding great rope to the belt. I was summarily plonked on to the horse, which set off around the ring at a canter. And then a gallop. And then light speed.

“Now then,” bellowed the ringmaster “slide up on to your knees!”

Had I known the phrase “not fucking likely” at that point, that is what I would have said. After a while, I worked up the backbone, and got to my knees.

“And now…. Stand up!”

Fuck. Off.

They obviously tired of me, as before I knew it the horse was whipped from under me and I was flung through the air. To this day I remember seeing my mother pointing at me and laughing. Cold hearted bitch.

These are the main reasons I am scared of horses.

So what I’d like to know is:

What did animals do to you to cause you fear and misery?

(PS - I am aware that in neither case was the animal itself at fault. But I think they would have done it anyway, given thumbs and the appropriate equipment.)
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Mon 31 Mar 2008, 17:51, 2 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Does iggy pop own any clothing for the top half of his body?

( Gerbilinafishtank Gerbil in a fish tank...TURTLE POWER!, Mon 31 Mar 2008, 12:57, 2 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Eating Animals
Eating animals is rather passe, but being vegetarian until I was 19 made me realise how strange it is. The first meat I ever ate was tongue - with all the tastebuds and everything! (damn well-meaning foreign relatives who don't understand the word 'vegetarian').

However, there are plenty of strange and wonderful things to sample out there - my friend Adam has tucked into locusts, the stall at the market sells ostrich burgers, supermodels take pills with tapeworms in them to slim down and there was usually one misfit kid at primary school who ate ants.

What strange animals have you eaten, and in what circumstances?
( Hampster Squared has stuff at www.tilla.co.uk, Sun 30 Mar 2008, 23:31, Reply)

Webcams
A guy at school was widely rumoured to have broadcast himself having a dump via webcam.

Ever broadcasted anything regrettable over the interweb, deliberately or otherwise?
(pharmatron Death or Scunthorpe? CHOOSE!!, Sun 30 Mar 2008, 18:28, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

I thought I was alone...
What have you done when you thought no-one was watching? Ever been caught?

(Try not to make all the answers about wanking!)
(Adamish Time of death, Sun 30 Mar 2008, 16:24, Reply)

From the mouths of babes
Children are like little sponges. They absorb everything you say and repeat it at the most inappropriate moments. What have you, or children you know said to make nearby adults want the ground to swallow them up?
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Sun 30 Mar 2008, 16:04, Reply)

Falling Asleep in inappropriate places
i fell asleep in the shower once.
i woke up cold.. then i threw up (in the toilet), and fell asleep wet and naked on the bathroom floor :(

where have you fallen asleep in stupid places
(Neomancer last looked smug on, Sun 30 Mar 2008, 13:55, 2 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Boats
Britain rules the waves - at least we do in the Sailing at the Olympics - but everyone has messed around in a boat, haven't they?
(Pewit does things down under, Sun 30 Mar 2008, 10:42, Reply)

Have you ever attempted to write a book/film/TV series and how bad did it suck donkey balls?
I remember a particularly bad "story" I wrote at the age of 14. It was very fraught and emotional. I found it about a year later and threw it away out of embarassment.

I'm currently working on an idea for an animated cop show set in 1978, starring a tall, modestly hot woman detective and her good looking ginger midget partner, whose middle name is Archimedes. Every week they must try to thwart a crime baron who uses a chocolate company as a front for his crimes and two of his henchmen are mimes. I'm doing this for the sheer hell of it and because my job is boring.

What craptacular stories, screenplays or ideas have you come up with and how far did you actually get?
(claireyfairy There's a smell in here that will outlast religion, Sat 29 Mar 2008, 22:33, 2 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Fictional characters you'd like to be...
And why?

Films, TV, books, comics, videogames... anything.
(Dok Zombie Cash, gash, pie and mash., Sat 29 Mar 2008, 22:15, Reply)

How much company money have you wasted or rescued?
I recently realised that I had approved a payment that had already been cleared. The additional cost was £60,000 but I rectified my mistake before the accounting department noticed.

£60,000 is nothing - how high can you go?
( SnackyOx Who? What? Whang?, Sat 29 Mar 2008, 21:14, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

Ooops - should've read the instructions first....
.
There could be a lot of possibilities, surely.

Electrical items connected up wrong, the joy that is flat-pack furniture, not noticing that the new designer t-shirt (or whatever) says hand-wash only.

Just for starters, I once built a wardrobe upside down (don't ask) and turning it the right way up in a small space was no picnic I can assure you. I also ruined a new top my hubby bought by lobbing it in the tumble drier (still, it fits me nicely now, so not all bad).
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Sat 29 Mar 2008, 14:46, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

Revelations
What was your biggest revelation, when did you decide to dramatically change your life and why?
(Pointless as a chavs bathroom, Sat 29 Mar 2008, 12:05, Reply)

Inappropiate thoughts
I work as a sales manager. Long story short, my building, (not my department I hasten to add) has a high staff turn over.

Supposedly I spend my days thinking of new ways to make money out our existing clients, taking in their concerns and rectifying them while inspiring my team to target new business.

Truth is I just look at all the birds tits, thinking what I would do to them given the chance. To make this worse, I have a girlfriend who I love very much.

I'm a bad man.

What's your most inappropiate thought??
(Raoul Moat's New Fishing Rod, Sat 29 Mar 2008, 3:03, Reply)

Mix tapes: Revisited
Flame on!
( Muns, Fri 28 Mar 2008, 12:59, Reply)

BANNED
Have you ever been banned from a bar, school or country?

If so, what's the story behind it?


MY STORY
I was banned from my local pub because the barman thought I was my brother. The previous week, my brother had stood up for my mum when she complained about not being able to hear the pub quiz questions. I knew none of this until I too was banned.
( Mr Gear the gay-maker, Fri 28 Mar 2008, 12:59, 2 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Yoda says
Yoda says, "Do or do not. There is no try.", but Yoda was a wise old Jedi with a talent for pithy sayings and kicking ass. The rest of us usually struggle merely to try - I know I do.
What would you do if you had no fear? What would you try?
(sar "though she be but little she is fierce", Fri 28 Mar 2008, 10:18, Reply)

Take a chance
Recently I moved -- away from all my family, my friends, my theatrical career, my doctors, my car, my house, my Life in California -- to New Zealand.
What wild chance have you taken? How has it affected you?
(sar "though she be but little she is fierce", Fri 28 Mar 2008, 10:14, 2 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

What's the point...
All the old suggestions are being repeated anyway.
( girlinthehole, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 20:58, 2 replies, latest was 17 years ago)