Can you write a story in the style of your favourite author?
OK, we may miss some tremendous anecdotes.
But we will see some fucking brilliant writing and imagination from the talented people on here, such as DiT's inspired God piece. I love it and I want to read more.
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Thu 21 Aug 2008, 23:38, Reply)

diet woes
Not just about weight loss, what do you eat too much of? what have you had to live off in terms of deprivation?

When did you eat the best? and what gives the worst shits?

so yeah, food and shit
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Thu 21 Aug 2008, 17:48, Reply)

A SUGGESTION FROM ME ABOUT THE QOTW
.. CHANGE IT ON TIME YOU BUNCH OF SLACK *****
(SuckYourMum, Thu 21 Aug 2008, 16:23, Reply)

Your cures
Got any cures of your own for things like hangovers, depression, etc? Go ahead and share them.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Thu 21 Aug 2008, 15:56, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

A manual for me
If you had your own instruction manual, what would be in it?
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Thu 21 Aug 2008, 15:52, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

It cannot be stopped
No matter how hard you try, there's something that cannot be stopped. Tell us about it.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Thu 21 Aug 2008, 15:44, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

All nighters
Tell us stories from when you were deprived of sleep for ages.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Thu 21 Aug 2008, 15:43, Reply)

School sports day Triumphs / Defeat
Egg and spoon master? King of the obstacle course? Relive you past triumphs / failures in the competitive world of school sports days.

did your school have any weird traditions for the events? i remember the final section of our assault course involved cutting a frozen fun sized mars bar in half with a plastic knife. very strange but made complete sense at the time!
(FutureGhost, Thu 21 Aug 2008, 14:47, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Travelling is supposed to be fun
not when you've lost your suitcase, all you have is the clothes you stand in, your flight has been cancelled and your running two days late for an important business meeting in Shanghai.

Have you ever experienced a hellish journey?
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Thu 21 Aug 2008, 13:53, Reply)

Stag or hen do's
Tell us the best/worst shenanigans of socially acceptable drunken debauchery.
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Thu 21 Aug 2008, 13:33, Reply)

How cushy is your job?
Judging by the amount of posts during office hours, it seems most of us have a nice little number or are undisturbed for the best part of the day without 'mooks' milling around behind you whilst you're at the screen.
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Thu 21 Aug 2008, 13:21, Reply)

Foot-in-mouth disease
Clangers that you or others have dropped. Example:

My manager, not known for her people skills, started a meeting the other day with a bit of a ramble, and then said "That's my warm and fuzzy opening, now I'm going to open it up to others..."
(pins, Thu 21 Aug 2008, 10:58, Reply)

President lies.
Every president in the history of forever has lied, still lies, and will lie. If you became president, what would you lie about?
(NERDYLURKER is attempting to divide by zero, Thu 21 Aug 2008, 2:03, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

What is the worst thing you have ever heard?
And by this I mean things heard from passers-by etc, basically anything that was not in any kind of news outlet.

Worst I heard was in school last year when a white girl and a black girl were talking about sun tans and the white one said:
"So when you get tanned do you turn human-coloured?"

I can tell you now, I have never cringed so much in my life.
(Eo1spy is reversing the polarity on, Thu 21 Aug 2008, 1:46, Reply)

Skills
Not what you're qualified in, not what you've been on a course to learn how to do necessarily, but what have you picked up along the way that you've made your own, what can you do that your friends and Family bow down to your greater expertise for?

(one of mine is mixing the finest gin and tonics, given the right materials)

p.s. and obviously the sex, although not with Family of course...
(Oil Slick, Wed 20 Aug 2008, 20:57, Reply)

I shouldn't have seen that!
We've all had it. Walking in on something or discovering something we really shouldn't be seeing.

The Headmaster nailing the Geography mistress on his desk. Your Lecturer having his stomach licked by a Freddy Mercury-alike in a Gay club. An athlete taking a huge amount of steroids before the big race. A gangland kneecapping.

So come on, B3tans, what did you see that you've had to keep schtum about?
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Wed 20 Aug 2008, 16:15, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Gig Stories
Inspired by Vipros' post here.

What's the best/worst gig you've ever been to?

Have you any memorable hard-rocking tales of:
Recieving sexual pleasure in the crowd?
Sneaking backstage?
Massive amounts of drunken tit-ery?
( Cawl, Wed 20 Aug 2008, 15:19, Reply)

The Ten Commandments & Seven Deadly Sins
So B3tans, which specific offences have you comitted that are most likely to upset (insert deity, religion or cult here)? Summarised as follows, in a manner probably guaranteeing me eternal damnation from at least 3 major religions.

1. Lust
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Sloth
5. Wrath
6. Envy
7. Pride
8. Innumeracy*


1. The (insert deity here) is the man. And don't you forget it. Idols are right out,too.
2. Wrongful use of the name of the Lord
3. Not honouring the Sabbath
4. Not honouring your parents
5. Murder
6. Theft
7. Adultery
8. Bearing False Witness
9. Coveting Neighbour's Property
10. Coveting Neighbour's Wife
11. Getting caught**


*&** I've done the obvious gags, so there.

Based on the above, I'm stuffed. Burn, baby burn....
(osok Rebel without a clue, Wed 20 Aug 2008, 11:03, 6 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Impressing a potential partner
I was once out with a lovely young lady (strange but true). We were on our way to a restaurant and as a sign of my machismo I decided to vault a pillar box in one swift movement.

I completed the manouver perfectly, even finishing with the arms outstreched thing that gymnasts do... only to discover that the top of the pillar box had been coated in anti vadal paint.

Not only were my hands an odd brown colour (and this stuff sticks like a bastard), but I had also managed to get a great smear of it on the thighs of my trousers.

Thats when she realised she had something else planned that evening.

What's the wierdest/stupidest thing you've done
to try and get into someone's pants?
( Joe Scaramanga with a G-double-O-D vibration, Wed 20 Aug 2008, 8:42, Reply)

Unpopular Opinions
We've all got them - opinions against the norm.

For instance, I genuinely still think they'll find Maddie alive, I feel sorry for her parents and I don't believe they killed her, which definitely puts me in the minority online. It also pisses me off how many jokes there are about her - even my Mum has told me a Maddie joke for fuck sake! Fucking everyone is making a joke out of a missing child - am I the only one to think that's a bit wrong? Is it just me?

So, what do you want to get off your chest? Don't be afraid to be unpopular - let's see the sparks fly!
(Pavlov's Frog figures no-one really reads sigs anyway, Wed 20 Aug 2008, 4:55, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Best/Funniest song lyric you've ever heard.
"I can still remember
Jenny Hernando
She was my little lovely one
When I was 17
I remember the day
She gave me her virginity
And then she gave it to everyone
In our viscinity" - Primus-De Anza Jig

Nuff said :)
(Nihlistic_Alchemist Brand the Herd with Fashion, Tue 19 Aug 2008, 20:26, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Hearing yourself quoted
Recently my daughter got frustrated at work and snarled that if her cash register didn't get fixed soon, "I'm gonna castrate the nearest person."

"What if the nearest person is female?" someone asked.

"I'll castrate her anyway. With a SPOON!"

The thing that made this hilarious is that she didn't remember me telling her brothers that if any of the three of them made me a grandfather before I'm 55 I'd castrate them with a spoon, regardless of gender...

Where have you unexpectedly heard your own words bounce back to you from?
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Tue 19 Aug 2008, 17:44, Reply)

What's the worst joke you know?
People love the pain inside that they found a totally shit joke funny. So what's your worst joke?

Why did the cow moo?

Because it's a fucking cow
(The Oscillating Gibbon is eating curried squid, Tue 19 Aug 2008, 13:06, Reply)

Driving while tired
The new driving no-no after drunk driving is the dreaded driving while over tired, witness the TV and Radio ads warning of the dangers.

While I am sure many B3TANS have crashed while smashed on drinks and other substances have any had a spectacular accident while droopy eyed from lack of sleep or too many miles.
( notsosecretagentman, Tue 19 Aug 2008, 12:50, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Airplane stories
I know we had airport stories some time ago (see some people do check QOTW archive!)

So tell us all about your stories onboard an aircraft. Did you join the mile high club with a hostess? Any nutty passengers screaming for Jesus mid flight? Had some fat stinky mong next to you? Did the plane crash on a desert island?

Tell us your stories of fun in the skies.
(Miggyman, Tue 19 Aug 2008, 12:23, Reply)

Wrong Number
Not sure if bindun but everyone gets the odd random call from a complete stranger that nearly always concludes in you being left angry and them embarassed.
What experiences have you had with people calling the wrong number?
(WillyNilly SillyBilly, Mon 18 Aug 2008, 11:51, Reply)

Wedding Mishaps
A few years ago, I was invited to my Indian neighbours wedding reception.

Now, Indian weddings don’t tend to be small, intimate affairs - and this wedding was no different - there must have been a good couple of hundred-plus guests there.

As is the norm, the main focal point of the reception was the meal and the happy couple had pulled out all the stops. When the time came for the top table’s food to be served, a HUGE roasted bird on a silver dish was proudly carried out from the kitchen, held up high by 4 waiters.

Everybody stood and applauded, while the happy couple beamed, in anticipation.

Suddenly, as the dish was being lowered, the bird slid off the plate and landed with a “plop” on the floor. The guests gasped, then room went quiet.

After a few seconds, the kitchen staff composed themselves, scooped the bird up from the floor and quickly ushered themselves back into the kitchen, where the dish was “tended to”.

A few minutes later, the bird made a second (and final) appearance in a much more subdued way.

What’s the worst / funniest wedding experience you have?

Length? About 10 minutes to clean all the fluff off it.
(fatboybubba, Sun 17 Aug 2008, 4:35, Reply)

In honour of spimf
Have you ever done anything to your partner that has warranted threats of divorce/ break up? Tell us your stories....
( Madam Marlboro wonders if you've found her yet, Sat 16 Aug 2008, 18:01, Reply)