Snappy Comebacks
A mate was making tea for a group of friends. He stuck his head around the door and asked "Right, what about milk? Cow, bean, or none?". Quick as a flash, someone replied "Wow, I've never had Nun's milk!"

What perfect snappy comebacks have you heard, or even delivered?
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Fri 3 Sep 2010, 9:19, Reply)

Strangely attractive
What unusual things do you find sexually attractive in potential partners? I'm not talking about the obvious things - tits & arse - but the odder ones.

For example, a mate told me that the most attractive thing about her BF was the way he held the steering wheel...
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 17:45, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Back to school
As the start of another school year approaches, what are your best and worst memories from school? Mine are my trousers falling down while doing a presentation in German, snogging Rachel Clarkson in the woods after school, and being asked to dance by the sexy young French teacher, Mlle Rousseau, at the school disco.
(Smale is stuffed, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 8:23, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Democratic Advertising
Have you experienced any vendor of goods or services which is really rather good but isn't widely known? Conversely, can you steer fellow B3tans clear of anywhere with shoddy service or bum quality products?

E.g. Edinburgh-based types should go to Coyaba Jamaican restaurant, as the only criticism I can muster is that the portions are bloody massive. Anyone who thinks their gaming needs are satisfactorily met by Gamestation needs to try again; one time I tried to trade in some games to be met by a demand for two forms of ID, one photographic, and my signature on two forms promising that I wouldn't try and get them back, that Gamestation could do what they wanted with them, that I wouldn't haggle and that, if need be, I would have "Gamestation" tattooed onto my scrotum at my own expense and barge past the security at Buckingham palace and wag my sack in Her Majesty's face. I took the games to HMV and got a better price with no questions asked.
(StapMyVitals wouldn't mind a bit of that, Mon 30 Aug 2010, 23:39, Reply)

Dad's ingenious DIY toys...
When I was younger my father made me a tin sledge from a cut up Ford Granada boot lid. Nearly cut my cock off after sliding down a snowy hill and hitting a rock.
There was also the time he made a shoulder height ramp for me and my mates to jump over on a 50cc Puch Maxi. Many an injury was had.

What DIY toys did your family subject you to, and just how badly hurt were you?
(dchurch bah, Fri 27 Aug 2010, 22:28, Reply)

What I realised about myself.
The other day I was looking though my phone and realised, for the first time, I had a fetish for taking pictures of food I've made, especially, but not limited to, sandwiches. Umpteen of them. It's a bit weird.

What has dawned on you about yourself and what caused it?
( Holly Would long wheel based tranny, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:43, Reply)

Music that does (or doesnt) fit
I once let a mate fill up my mp3 player. We had a lovely teacher (a rangers fan) who let us put them on his computer for all to hear in lessons. The fields of athenry came on..
(bredstkcriminal, Tue 24 Aug 2010, 1:55, Reply)

Blagging your way in.
At uni I used to blag my way into seeing top overseas bands - nix for tix in about 5 minutes flat. Regale us with where you have gone for free.
(boozehound is drinking your bar dry, Mon 23 Aug 2010, 5:29, Reply)

QOTW Suggestion - Inappropriate advice to experts
I recently responded to the Ginger Fuhrer, the King of all the Interwebs, when he asked whether his BT Openworld account would work with his laptop. After responding I wondered what stories others have of offering advice to those far more knowledgeable than themselves, perhaps well meaning or perhaps to be an arse.

Perhaps you explained how to change gears properly to Michael Schumacher in a pub one night, or offered Kylie tips on how to get a pert bum.
(Taffster, Sun 22 Aug 2010, 18:19, Reply)

Holiday mishaps.
I'm currently boiling to death on the isle of Kos. Since arriving, I've slipped on a patch of water in the appartment (on the first night) resulting in a horribly sprained and swollen ankle and rendering walking anywhere at a reasonable pace impossible. On day three I suffered horrific sunburn on my shins after half an hour's exposure to the sun (my legs NEVER change colour) and have to deploy some sort of steroid cream to them so they don't have to be amputated. The big toe on my right foot has a massive blister on it (cause unknown), and last night the strap on my trusty Caterpillar all terrain desert wellies snapped, so I've had to go and buy some new ones to get me the rest of the way through the holiday. I have four days left and am just wondering what else can possibly go wrong...

*EDIT* Ah yes, the replacement desert wellies also left my feet blistered on the last day. Lovely.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Sat 21 Aug 2010, 16:54, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Wanking Disasters - Revisited
I'm always eager to laugh at the misfortune of others, which is why I enjoyed the original as much as I did. :-)
(Vinnie Strokes Got bummed on, Sat 21 Aug 2010, 15:25, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Would you?
And why?
( Blind Meach Cautiously optimistic, Fri 20 Aug 2010, 17:44, 5 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Spit stories
My older brother was/is a lot stronger than me so during one of his rage beatings I spat in his mouth which as it turns out is a very effective way of not having your head pounded in.
(NuffMuff fucks shrubbery, Thu 19 Aug 2010, 12:15, Reply)

Embarrased by animals
Used to own a dog once, and we discovered he had worms by him politely sliding arse first across the carpet in the living room right in front of some visitors who were drinking tea.

How have you been ashamed to know an animal?
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Thu 19 Aug 2010, 11:49, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

The violence.
What's the scariest bit of violence you saw with your own eyes in the real world?
( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 16:41, Reply)

Narrow escapes
I once avoided getting caught up in an IRA bombing attack by missing a train. Tell us about your narrow escapes.
(IHateSprouts is baking a huge pie shaped like an enormous pie, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 14:08, 4 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Thing's you're banned from doing.
Among other things, I am banned by friends and my girlfriend, from doing constant Chewbacca impressions, and the sassy black girl finger clicking thing.
(LickOutTheJamsMotherfuckers!, Thu 12 Aug 2010, 18:56, Reply)

Lies that you have told
that have spiralled out of control.

I often make up excuses that become so expansive and convoluted that i lose track, and when they are mentioned down the track, i have no memory of what they are talking about.
(augsav forgot about B3ta, Thu 12 Aug 2010, 4:25, Reply)

Sibling rivalry
When I was a kid my hamster went missing. After a few hours of frantic searching by the whole family it was found in a bucket. I was blamed for the debacle by my parents. To this day my sister will not own up.

How have your relatives been making you look bad?
( bland is bland, Wed 11 Aug 2010, 23:15, Reply)

And I thought MY job was bad...
Today mr b3th and I saw, over a distance of about 400 yards, no less than three teenagers standing at the side of the road (far enough away from each other that they couldn't actually talk to each other) holding large signs advertising Domino's latest pizza offer. Each one of them had their head bowed in shame. We really couldn't blame them.

What's the shittest thing your employer has ever made you do?
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Wed 11 Aug 2010, 19:16, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

When Eco-warriordom Fails
There were/are a couple of posts on the "Beautiful Moments Pt2" QOTW about bad - and thus amusing - things happening to Smart cars. This has started me wondering ... are there any other stories out there about green zealots coming unstuck (not just the Smart/Prius/G-wiz drivers, but tree-huggers in general)?
(Neil_E_There didn't the Aussies used to be good at cricket?, Wed 11 Aug 2010, 15:14, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Ooh, something shiny
My missus informed me that the front garden railings needed a lick of paint so I went to Screwfix and bought a tin of Hammerite, some white spirit and a couple of brushes. I got home and put the kettle on. I then thought "I'll have a quick go on the PS3 whilst the kettle boils"

Five hours later, Mrs SLVA comes home to find the paint and brushes still in the carrier bag, a well-stewed cold pot of tea, and me topless and frustrated, swearing at Guitar Hero.

How easily distracted are you?
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 11 Aug 2010, 15:04, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

I've known my mate
for maybe 15 years. I thought I knew everything about him until I recently found out that he lived in Japan for a year before I knew him and oddly this has never come up in conversation once.

What have you just recently discovered about someone you thought you knew?
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 11 Aug 2010, 14:48, Reply)

Exposed
I once claimed I could speak Slovak. In a pub I was cajoled into saying something in Slovak, so I spurt some gobbledigook in a Slavic accent. To the untrained ear, it did sound like an eastern European language.

A nearby girl came over and enquired what I was talking about. It turns out she was fluent in Slovak too. She then translated what she had heard me say,
"blah blah tree blah blah under blah blah tree blah elliptical blah" was the general gist.

Have you ever been exposed as a fraud?
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 11 Aug 2010, 14:42, Reply)

Caught (nearly) by the fuzz?
Have you ever had a close run-in with the law?

When I was about 19, me and my best mate thought it would be a cracking idea to drop some acid and hit the SEGA arcade at the Trocadero in Picadilly Circus, with the sole intention of playing 8 player Daytona Racing whilst rushing our tits off. That all went swimmingly well, however...

In search of a little respite from the noise and mayhem we decided to wander down the road to Green Park to take the edge off. As we ambled accross the grass looking for an especially nice place to sit down, something on the ground caught my eye. I sank to my knees to get a closer look. "Shit, come and check this out man". A simple but immaculate hallmarked silver pocket watch now rested in my hands. My mate joined me. On his knees. In a patch of daisies in the middle of Green Park. We were just marvelling at the crafsmanship when a voice called out from nearby "Lost gold's gotta be shared boys!". Startled, we both turned to where the voice was coming from.

A big fucking police Transit van. With a big fucking policeman in it. In the middle of Green Park.

Instinctively (for, despite the occasional dabble in recreational drugs, I was quite a good boy) I rose to my feet and headed straight for the van, arms outstretched, pupils dilated, heart racing, pocket watch in my sweaty palms. My mate followed.

A lot of things went through my mind on that long walk to the van, not least what my parents might say when they got a call from the London Borough of Westminster Police Force.

As it turns out, big fucking policeman was a jolly fellow and was content with taking my details, and the pocket watch, while I tripped out looking at his colossal forearm hanging out the window, hairs blowing gently in the late summer evening breeze like a field of golden wheat. In the meantime my mate was pacing the length of the transit van, praising big fucking policeman for how big and shiny it was.

A couple of weeks later I got a lovely letter in broken English from a nice Japanese man, thanking me at length for having the decency to hand his pocket watch over to the authorities. If only he knew...
(ZeroG, Fri 6 Aug 2010, 17:05, Reply)

Saving up
A habit I got into as a kid and still continue today is saving up for things. Helps to have a goal to focus on and I'd rather put spare coins toward that rather than fritter away on junk.
Of course as a kid I'd find the big airfix kit etc often wasn't worth the wait, I'm hoping the Audi convertible I'm saving for now will be.
Tell me about your saving dreams, triumphs and failures...
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Fri 6 Aug 2010, 16:26, Reply)

Grumpy old men/women
Have you suddenly realised that you have turned into your dad?
Do you tut at kids in the street whose trousers hang round the bottom of their arse?
Or have you always been old beyond your years, liking nothing more than cardigans and complaining about other, younger people.
Tell us your story, but remember to speak up, my hearings not what it used to be.
( monkeyboyalpha jumping on the bandwagon since, Fri 6 Aug 2010, 14:12, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Toilets...
Today I had the very strange experience of walking into the toilet in my local library, and being confronted with the sight of two small balloon animals that had been left on the sink counter.

This may be opening an outrageously horrifying can of worms, but what's the strangest thing you've ever found or experienced in a toilet/bathroom? What about amusing graffiti? Shit, I think I've got at least a dozen stories I could tell if this is ever the Q.O.T.W. Nothing horrifying, though.

And apologies if this has been asked before, but I'm a complete B3ta noob.
(TheAmazingMeatMan ™ can't sing, but he's got soul, Fri 6 Aug 2010, 0:11, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

I don't care
If you rehash the same question again(for the fortieth time). Just change it in a timely manner.
(CactusZack Shaved his coin purse on, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 21:30, Reply)

I've not suggested this since March
Fourth time lucky?

Volunteering:

"Yeah, no probs. I'll give you hand." Ever regretted saying that?

Ever volunteered to spend time with dying kids in a hospice?

Were you forced to sing for the old folks at Christmas?

Did you spend six months in a primary school in Nigeria?

Have you helped clear out a pond, lay a hedge, fix a footpath?

Tell us all about it.


And this is the last time I volunteer to suggest a decent question...
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 21:26, Reply)