Important Projects
Three weeks ago we got a new hand dryer at work, it is ridiculously powerful. Every time I visit the bogs now, I cup my hands together and get the blast of air from the dryer to pass over a gap between my thumbs in an attempt to produce the worlds loudest 'owl hoot'.
I've not got the technique right yet, but I'm soooo close.

What important projects are you working on?
( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Wed 23 Mar 2011, 18:15, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Terrible excuses
An HR guy was sacked from my place of work for having porn on his company computer. His excuse: I was just checking which sites the company firewall blocks. What terrible excuses have you come across, or given?
(Smale is stuffed, Wed 23 Mar 2011, 10:09, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Nights out gone wrong
In celebration of the woman who went out for a quiet drink with friends after work, and ended up half naked, kicking a copper in the nads and threatening to smear her own shit over hospital staff, how have your best-laid plans ended in woe?
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Tue 22 Mar 2011, 14:22, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

A mini story challenge mayhaps
I thoroughly enjoy everyones stories here and the manner in which they're told. I'd also love to see how people fare in the land of ficional writing. So perhaps a mini challenge with a title suggestion or scenario?
( dazbrilliantwhites has been meaning to change this..., Mon 21 Mar 2011, 17:01, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Dodgy stuff at work....

I find myself in the middle of a project at the specific request of my employer which involves 'manipulating' invoices on photoshop so they become a little heavier in the 'Ammount due' box....

I feel quite uncomfortable doing this, but am loving the challenge and the fucking massive company these are going to owe us hundreds of thousands due to one of their incompetents neglecting to pass on our bills...


Can the panel think of a time when they've had to cross into the shadows during their working environment for good/bad/indifferent reasons?
( Larry Death Anger Pain Fear Aggression, Mon 21 Mar 2011, 15:37, Reply)

Pride.
Tell us about a proud moment of your otherwise sad life. The day you learnt to ride a bike. The day your rugrat learnt to ride a bike. The day you did something nice and selfless for someone. The day you saved the world. Or maybe just the day you did the largest dump of your life, and showed it to others.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Sun 20 Mar 2011, 14:14, Reply)

Dates, holidays, family days and Christmases that you have ruined.
Were you ever asked to pick up a turkey for Christmas dinner but forgot, realising only on the day, leading to the biggest family argument you've ever been witness too? Perhaps you went on a date, told a sickipedia joke about some form of disablity, only to find your date throwing his/her drink at you, and storming off because their younger sibling happened to have that very affliction? Maybe you have a story that is actually funny or interesting, unlike my suggestions - tell us!
( theoriginalsteve <this space intentionally left blank>, Thu 17 Mar 2011, 9:47, Reply)

Esprit de l'escalier
Had one of those situations where you think about the best thing to say, AFTER the situation has happened?
Tell us about it




...your mum.
(Brighton RAWK at the tone, the time will be:, Thu 17 Mar 2011, 8:45, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Culinary Disasters
I once ruined a huge soup I was making for visiting family - I mistook the amount of cornflour required in the recipe and added tablespoons instead of teaspoons. The massive vat of soupy goodness slowly solidified. We had to eat it with knives and forks.

What's the biggest fuck up you've had in the kitchen / food preparation area?
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Wed 16 Mar 2011, 17:09, Reply)

Being fucked over
A well known insurance company with a red telephone for a mascot, won't let me make a claim on my flights to Japan next week because of the wording of the travel advice on the Foreign & Commonwealth website.

According to them the words "avoid all but essential travel" means that myself and my partner can still travel because the holiday is 'essential' to us. Until it reads "Avoid all travel" only, we can't claim.

Cunts
( Bamboo Steamer, Tue 15 Mar 2011, 16:28, 4 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Nightmare neighbours
I guess this must have already been done.
If it hasnt, it should be, because most of us must have some tales to tell of living in close proximity with bin snooping curtain twitchers, hell raisers, religious nuts or people who end up making Ted Bundy look like the Dalai Lama
(insomniac-surfer oh go on then, just this once, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 1:07, Reply)

Dreadful Directions
Whilst I was learning to cycle the good lady-friend risked my life many a time by taking me immediately onto busy main-roads, which isn't so bad, and giving directions at the last second just at the moment she was undertaking them... whilst she was cycling behind me so she could see where I was, which I did find bad. I find it a lot safer now just to do my own thing.

Be it a simple 'left' or 'right' with poor timing or a full on military manoeuvre gone wrong what tales of woe or jollity do you lot have on the topic of abysmal directions?
(Frozen_Banana Shaved against the grain; thoroughly unrewarding., Sat 12 Mar 2011, 15:26, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Rant-a-thon
Get it off your chest, it's been proven to bring down your blood pressure.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 9 Mar 2011, 13:52, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Flame on!
What about a week of just slagging each other off? No hard feelings etc.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 9 Mar 2011, 13:52, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Awesome Teachers
We had a history teacher who would act out every lesson - for the 'caveman' section, he would jump up on the desk and use his ruler as a makeshift spear, and for WWII he would get his toys out from the desk (tanks and planes and such) and act out mini-battles for us. Genuinely the best teacher I've ever had.

It can also be extended to lecturers and workplace trainers to make the question more open
(Godwin's Lawyer is more evil than Hitler, Wed 9 Mar 2011, 3:26, Reply)

I was testing an old Athlon processor
and noticed that one of the pins was bent. So I got a biro lid and tried to straighten it. Then the fucker snapped off. Fuckity fuck. So I cut a piece of copper wire from inside a length of eath wire, stuffed that in the corresponding hole and reinsterted the processor. I clamped the fan on and switched it on and fuck me, it beeped and started up. Didn't last long though. Maybe 5 seconds.

So, what integrated circuit packaging mishaps have you repaired McGuyver style?

Or to put it another way, what bodge-jobs have you pulled off that worked?
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 23:38, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Pregnancy
For a week of crotchfruit, sprog and embarrassing sex stories.
(Did I get my Britishisms right?)
(joansie, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 22:05, Reply)

Nicknames
We have probably all had them but what about the backstory.
( number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Tue 8 Mar 2011, 16:22, 5 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Any idiot can say something is shit. But admitting your favourite song / film / book / painting is a bit riskier. So what I want to know is what’s you’re favourite artistic ‘thing’ and why.
( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Tue 8 Mar 2011, 10:52, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Five word response
www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fk4X8ou8c24&NR=1
(Catomiagi is in with a chance, Sun 6 Mar 2011, 10:31, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Help! I'm being harassed!
invent your own.
(Redemption blamed it on the Bossa Nova since, Sun 6 Mar 2011, 9:52, Reply)

"Nono, it's not for bumfun, she's just a bit tight",
I blurted out as the cashier raised her eyebrow when my girlfriend and I were buying lube. We didn't last long after that.

What's the worst thing you've said in an embarrassed panic?
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Sat 5 Mar 2011, 14:59, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Caught by the fuzz

A lot of people I know have been stopped and searched recently because they 'fit the description of a suspect in the area'. What have your experiences been like with the 5-0? Did you do it? Get away with it? Or were you just being hassled?
( Turquoise Hexagon Sun has just dropped acid on, Fri 4 Mar 2011, 13:02, Reply)

Neverending Story (well a week anyway)
Get creative. The mod starts with a few lines, then we all keep adding odd paragraphs and so on until we have a huge meandering tale. It clearly won't be linear for very long and would fork out into many subplots. It should all be contained in just the one thread though
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 4 Mar 2011, 10:59, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

What's wrong with this world - it's obviously fucked isn't it?
As suggested by rob himself.

So channel your inner OAP (or just be yourself) and tell us why we should all get off your lawn, and why the world's fucked up.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 3 Mar 2011, 15:34, Reply)

Funny, sad make it up and enjoy...
You can choose your method of dying and the place in which you will die. Where would you like to die and how?
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Thu 3 Mar 2011, 14:13, Reply)

He's behind me isn't he?
There are few things in life that make you want to curl up and die as much as that cold feeling that creeps over you when you realise that the subject of your bitching is actually stood a few feet away, quietly taking it all in.

Tell us your cringe and 'I'll get me coat' stories.
(Bad Monkey hasn't had an abusive gaz since, Thu 3 Mar 2011, 8:48, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Best bits of childhood
Saturday morning cartoons, white dog poo and a stick, being bored for hours and being okay with it, Archie comics, fish and chip Thursdays. What are your best memories?
(boozehound is drinking your bar dry, Thu 3 Mar 2011, 8:32, Reply)

Stupid Work Colleagues
Once worked with a lad who believed 'Frankenstein' was based on a true story, and that the book was written by Shirley Bassey. No amount of debate would sway him from his position. Not entirely sure whether he genuinely believed it, or if he was just the greatest real-life troll I've ever met.

Anyway, tell us all about the nutters/idiots you've worked with
(Godwin's Lawyer is more evil than Hitler, Thu 3 Mar 2011, 0:09, Reply)

Can we have wanking disasters again?
It's gotta be better than drunk parents
( buffet_the_appetite_slayer ٩(●̮̃•)۶ jacked in to the ICE on, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 22:01, Reply)