Ancient lies you will never confess
As a child/teenage you told some whoppers to your parents.....some of those secrets you would reveal 20 years later, and laugh about....some you will take to the grave.

Do you feel bad about it, or don't you care?
How did you deceive your parents, and why will you keep it a secret forever?
(BourbonBiscuits, Tue 15 Aug 2006, 11:32, Reply)

what the FUCK do they think im up to?
A about a week ago i was walking around and felt the need to "readjust" seeing as the area was pritty mutch deserted I turned round and fixed my crotch only to notice a woman sitting in a car id though was empty . to her it must of seemed that I had deliberately stopped walking along, to face her and grab my balls. I legged it before she could compile an e-fit, i hope she has a husband/bf or close male friend who can explain the male need to rearage for maximum comfort so i dont end up on crimewatch.
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Tue 15 Aug 2006, 8:19, Reply)

Get It right - Ever posted a comment in the wrong subject?
Erm, Thieving, What have you ever stolen or you most exciting criminal escapade? I stole a police car once and had a high speed chase which ended in a shoot out at 100mph while Motorhead were playing on the radio and I intermitently sniffed amyl nitrate. I killed them all and walked away a free man. Happy days.
(Kihap, Mon 14 Aug 2006, 10:42, Reply)

Embarrasing Encounters With Gayers
Any embarrasing encounters with the same sex? At my mate's engagement party this barman saw me drunk at a table and tried chatting me up with lines like "You've got lovely hair". Me mate stopped me bottling him, and the next day I shaved me head bald.

Any good stories spring to mind?
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Mon 14 Aug 2006, 8:28, Reply)

tell us your own aristocrats joke...
i know its mainly american humour, but it is a funny film...

i also suggest:tell us about yoour office spacker(the mentally screwed up one)
(Just Harry What should I put here?, Sun 13 Aug 2006, 3:54, Reply)

QOTW choices
Your worst summer job?
Travelling stories?
Operations that have gone wrong.
(Mike Literis, Sat 12 Aug 2006, 19:52, Reply)

Relatives that your family Don't Talk About.
I was talking to a lass the other day who has an uncle who's not a spy.

I found out fairly recently myself that I had a great-uncle who emigrated to Australia with his family but went a bit doolally with the heat, and took a shotgun and wiped out his family before shooting himself.

Do you have relatives that your family never talk about, and why? Or maybe you're the one that your family never mentions?
( Peregr1n @peregr1n, Sat 12 Aug 2006, 18:58, Reply)

What's the weight
of the largest lump of knob cheese/Fanny batter you've ever accrued and what did it taste of ?
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Thu 10 Aug 2006, 16:04, Reply)

I hate my Co-workers
Practicle jokes have become rife in our office, all the classics have been done. Handcream on the earpiece of the phone, resetting AutoCorrect to read monkey, poo and cabbage. What has been the best joke you have played and can I steal it??
(Officially_Magpied, Thu 10 Aug 2006, 12:32, Reply)

Memorable Taxi rides and drivers
Back in my dodgy Essex clubbing days we used to get minicabs in and around Romford etc but a couple of Basildon rides will stay with me:

cab ride through an industrial estate at 90mph at 2 in the morning over speed humps (I was watching the speedo)

Being offered a cig by a driver, declining, he says "Probably best, it's easier to give up heroin like I did last year, no really I'm clean"
(CleverTrevor, Thu 10 Aug 2006, 11:26, Reply)

What's your best qualification?
I am currently the UK's leading expert on apathy. S'true.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Wed 9 Aug 2006, 19:22, Reply)

First Post!
I think a "Most Kick ass/Wierdest/Best quote/advice you ever heard" should be a question of the week. I even have one I heard from my friend. He heard it from his dad.

Dads wisdom. "Son, never kick in your neighbors tail lights when they are watching"

That's it for me for now.
(Nihlistic_Alchemist Brand the Herd with Fashion, Wed 9 Aug 2006, 16:58, Reply)

Daddy or chips...?
Traumatic childhood beliefs/decisions brought on by telly commercials....
( BlueHaze Chutney. All good., Wed 9 Aug 2006, 16:54, Reply)

They're coming to take me away, haha!
Have you ever been diagnosed with a mental illness of some sort? What's it like?
( ArthurTheRat, Tue 8 Aug 2006, 21:46, Reply)

illegal stuff you have
or can get hold of.

should make for interesting reading.

i've got various knives and guns..
( Gerbilinafishtank Gerbil in a fish tank...TURTLE POWER!, Sat 5 Aug 2006, 23:29, Reply)

repeat
it seems to me there are a lot of reccuring subjects in qotw, therefore i demand a reopening of "flatmates from hell", as I remeber it making me laugh so hard I nearly died.

Also as part of my work decorating student houses I remeber one flat with Dave is a bummer written in foot high letters on every single wall. So I want to see if anyone knows this man, I mean is there more to this mysterious man than a studenty type who likes to bum?

come on b3ta get me my fix
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Sat 5 Aug 2006, 20:17, Reply)

Overgrown kids
I made a tent out of chairs and a blanket in my garden last night. I'm 29. My mate who is married with a kid regularly rings his neighbours doorbells when he's drunk and then runs away. He is also a bank manager. Has anyone else done something for fun as an adult that only kids normally do?
( Normanator Bad case of trapped wind since, Sat 5 Aug 2006, 19:10, Reply)

Getting out of embarrassing situations successfully
I was walking down Princes Street in Edinburgh when a SnapFax seller person came up to me and treid to get me to stop. I hate these fuckers so I tried to pretend to be a tourist by using my basic grasp of Flemish that I picked up from 2 years in Belgium. So I say "I'm not from round here" in Flemish and the SnapFax seller only fucking answers me back in Flemish, thus negating my clever ruse and giving me nowhere to hide, so I ended up parting with £3 for something I'll never ever use. Has anyone actually managed to get out of a difficult situation using amazing guile and wit? I'd sure as buggery like to know how they do it...
( Normanator Bad case of trapped wind since, Sat 5 Aug 2006, 19:01, Reply)

Question Of The Week
I'm working as a system tester, trying to decipher error messages, they're mostly boring so we're making up some of our own. How about designing some useful system error messages?

(has this been done?)
(TomJoad, Fri 4 Aug 2006, 7:08, Reply)

Your eBay stories
My friend got a projector worth around £1500 from eBay for only £200 because the seller didn't know what it was. I picked up a NeGcon for a quarter of what it was really worth. I love eBay.

What great bargains have you got from eBay? What's the weirdest thing you've bought, and were you sober? What horrors have you seen for sale (no stealing from disturbingauctions.com, please)? Have you made a nice profit from something?

Tell us your weird and wonderful eBay misadventures.
( Bob Todd whee, Thu 3 Aug 2006, 16:29, Reply)

Spooky stories
Anything happened that you couldn't quite explain, do things go bump in the night, have you ever seen something a bit spooky?
(jidler changed his name on, Thu 3 Aug 2006, 12:22, Reply)

Sorry Guv'nor
Being a good lad I've never really been in trouble with the police, but that doesn't stop me coming over all guilty and shifty looking whenever a copper is around.
On the only occasion I've been stopped by the Old Bill when driving, last week, all they wanted to tell me was that a rear light was out, all friendly and helpful like.
Still got brown cacks, but I didn't have to try and think up an excuse to get myself out of the shite.

Anyone got any sure fire excuses for getting yourself out of any awkward situations you might find yourself in with a Plod?
Extra points if it's actually been used. And worked.
(tweebianmonkey Should be known as Widget, Thu 3 Aug 2006, 1:39, Reply)

Hotel Stories
what have you done in a hotel that is worth merit? destroyed a room? locked your friends in a cupboard and left them there? Divulge your secrets...
(RooRooRasputin Lover of the Russian Queen, Thu 3 Aug 2006, 0:14, Reply)

Secret Acts of Kindess.
What anonymous acts of kindess have you ever done?
( Boondocks, YEAH! has a massive penis. Everyone is scared., Wed 2 Aug 2006, 13:56, Reply)

Nightmares abroad
Given the international nature of B3tans, it might some people's abroad might be some people's home, which *might* be interesting. But basically, anything that lets me tell my story about geing dragged to some old crones house in Dubrovnic on the promise of somehwere to stay, only to be greeted by dolls heads impaled on sticks in the garden and a huge, invisible, but still totally clear RUN FOR YOUR FUCKING LIVES sign floating above the place story.
(Jibber Jabba The Hutt, Wed 2 Aug 2006, 10:58, Reply)

Wierdo/Stalker stories
ever come home early to find that person you once met on the interweb dressing up in your clothes and sniffing your pillow?
( Weetobix, Tue 1 Aug 2006, 16:06, Reply)

When you were a kid...
What was your favourite strange game you would play on your own? I didnt have a lot of friends as a child due to overprotective parents so I had to survive like the muppet babies and use my imagination.

My favourite game was 'spiderman' where I would wear this horrible brown lycra style T-shirt with a spiderman logo and Superman pants over my jeans (Why Superman? i still have no idea) and use my mums tights as webbing. I would put a stone in one end and that way when I threw them it looked like i was shooting the web just like spidey. All was fine until I broke an antique vase fighting an imaginary Green Goblin.
( Bamboo Steamer, Tue 1 Aug 2006, 13:04, Reply)

What have you done for a pint?
Personally, I walked up to a girl who my friend knew, and who apparently was under the legal drinking age (although I am reliably informed was at least 16) and told her that I knew she was underage, and that she could a) buy me a pint or b) give me a blowjob. Her mouthy friend told me to fuck off, and I quite calmly explained that I hadn't mentioned an option c. I got my pint.

EDIT: Sorry, didn't realise the hostility to beer-related stories here. Ermm, how about things you've done for a dare?
(LickOutTheJamsMotherfuckers!, Tue 1 Aug 2006, 2:48, Reply)

NEMESIS! Who is your nemesis, and why?
Sadly I don't currently have a nemesis, but when I was at School there was this kid called Scot who was.

I remember challenging him to a 1 on 1 game of footy at lunchtime, which half of our year turned out to watch to prove who was the best player in year 4. Only he picked the better keeper to play in net for him, so he won (frankly he was better, I just woudn't admit it at the time). I got him back tho, with an overarm smash whilst playing badminton which cunningly missed the shuttlecock and left him with an inch long gash down the bridge of his nose :)

Tell us your nemesis stories. Extra points for not including beer, sex or shit in your posts..
(stuffe, Mon 31 Jul 2006, 13:43, Reply)

The worst thing you've ever done
I stood on a child beggar's hand and then kicked him to the ground. Absolutely true.

And I once told my whole school I was having a jumble sale for 'handicapped kids' and then spent the proceeds on fresh cream chocolate eclairs for myself.

Beat that.
(frankspencer, Fri 28 Jul 2006, 15:04, Reply)