Just before the England
Holland game in Euro 96, I cracked 4 eggs into a frying pan and every one had a double yolk. I'd never seen one before or since.

This was clearly a sign from Jesus Christ himself that England were about to score 4 goals.

What signs have you received from god?
( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Fri 6 Jul 2007, 20:48, Reply)

Have a go Hero
In light of John Smeaton's heroics at Glasgow Airport where he gave those Al Qaeda boys a good going over...Have you ever been in a situation where you've stepped in to lend a hand ?

Did it go well or did you end up with egg on your face (and a bruise or two) ?

news.sky.com/skynews/article/0,,30100-1273453,00.html

1st post Virgin !
(Woozles loved your mum in Emmanuelle, Tue 3 Jul 2007, 17:05, Reply)

Revolting things you ate as a kid (but weren't supposed to)
I think I was a pretty revolting child at times and had very strange tastes - not that anyone ever tried to stop me...

Nasty things I used to like eating were;

My mother's lipsticks

Raw sausage meat (though to be fair she did tell me it was made out of baby birds...not that it had any effect)

Raw bacon rind

Those weird bits of bone you used to get in bacon

I used to like licking metal as well, I don't know what kind it is, but there's some kinds that make your mouth feel all funny, kind of super sour.

Oh and matchboxes - I did, and still do, love licking them when they've been used a lot (not the safety kind) I'm sure that this is poisonous, but it doesn't seem to have hurt me so far...

click me click me click me :D
( curvylittlegoth heard the voices in your head on, Tue 3 Jul 2007, 14:17, Reply)

Childhood Games
Many children have imaginary friends, I had an imaginary husband and child at the tender age of three. My boyfriend on the other hand liked to pretend to be a dog to the point of peeing like one and eating dog food.

I'm sure we weren't alone in these curious pastimes, what weird games did other b3tans play as kids?
(MyrtleTheTurtle, Tue 3 Jul 2007, 13:01, Reply)

Crazy Relatives
I have a family of freaks - aren't all families freaks? Here are a couple of examples...

My grandmother;
Told us that on her way home from the supermarket, she fell over a step, her EYE fell out, and she had to put it back in, but there was grit on it, and she couldn't see properly now.

She also used to curse us all - I remember being aged 11 when she told me I'd have the curse of hair growing in profusion ALL OVER MY BODY!

AND, (when I was 15) that if I had my nose pierced I would end up with a big black wart on it!

She cursed my younger brother so that he couldn't pass his driving test, and he DIDN'T - for years!

Funniest thing ever though, was when she had fallen asleep in the arm chair on a sunny afternoon, Barley Wine in one hand, Peter Stuyveson in the other (nasty cigarette for those who don't know) staggered up to bed and woke up several hours later to a Darth Vader sounding fireman - thinking she was in HELL as the smoke and flames billowed round her...

she didn't predict that one...

Please click 'i like this' as the rest of my family are crazy too, I love to share...and this is NOTHING compared to what my mother was like....
( curvylittlegoth heard the voices in your head on, Tue 3 Jul 2007, 0:07, Reply)

corporate waste
everyone who has worked for a large bureaucracy - public or private - will have seen some project that involved loads of people running around for months only for some executive to cancel it at the last minute - hence wasting A Lot of shareholders'/taxpayers' money ...

also the minor examples of needless expenditure like the executive Merc with the 'Dynamic Multicontour Front Seats' ... like the company will fail unless it runs a fleet of Merc CL550's ...
( writerblock ... embedding disabled by request on, Mon 2 Jul 2007, 21:46, Reply)

ebay
strange thing you saw on ebay simple enough
(DeTimmy you'd better be sorry!!, Mon 2 Jul 2007, 20:55, Reply)

The most public place you had sex
and that can be a crafty wank halfway up a mountain to rogering your missus under the table in a restaurant....neither of which I am familiar with.. ahem!
(scowners shagged his mum on, Mon 2 Jul 2007, 16:30, Reply)

I never deserved that...
I had come back from uni and had been lazing around instead of job hunting. Then my brother came back and spent three weeks searching hard and came up with a laboring job miles away meaning leaving the house at 6:30 each morning.

I, on the other hand, went to the pub, and was given a job in PR right off the bat from some bloke I hardly knew. I mostly get to work from home, and only have to go to his office at the top of the hill occassionally.

I never deserved that job really.

[Topic inspired by stevio's story of being slapped for trying to fix a lass's computer whilst recieving a blowy; he never deserved that.]
(Root, Sat 30 Jun 2007, 18:11, Reply)

Your Biggest Secret
It's good to share with random strangers.
(mookroolz, Sat 30 Jun 2007, 16:41, Reply)

Trouble other people have got you into.
When I were a wee lad of 14, I used to go to a catholic school. I also used to have a weasel of a mate who was addicted to porn, this young lad looked about 10 and couldn't procure his own. so in exchange for a few bob I would pop down the corner shop and get the lad his wank fodder.

This mutually beneficial relationship lasted for a few months until the young lad ran out of money, so in order to feed his desire for new visual stimulation, he sold on his used porn to younger kids.

His plan failed because one of the kids was caught bashing the bishop in the back of the chapel. He ratted out my friend who in turn ratted me out, turning me into some kind of porn king.

I got suspended and was made to come in to school to work as a cleaner for a week.

What kinda trouble have your mates got you into ?
(schlamniel, Fri 29 Jun 2007, 16:48, Reply)

Innapropriate things to say when you're trying to be polite
Or something like that...

With B3TA in mind I was casting my mind back to funny/sick things that have happened ...

Some years ago while my sister was still a respectable married lady, she was out with some mutual friends for a posh meal. At the time she was about 4 stone overweight and had just started desperately trying to diet, and was moaning about her (then) skinny hubby, how much he could manage to eat without putting an ounce on, whereas she was starving but to no avail...

'I just don't understand it' she cried 'I think that every night when I'm asleep he's pumping his fat into my ass!'

Cue stunned silence shortly followed by choking on prawn cocktails...with my sister looking around asking desperately 'what? What? What are you all laughing at?!!?'

she so didn't get it...

Hehehe...I love my little sis
( curvylittlegoth heard the voices in your head on, Mon 25 Jun 2007, 22:52, Reply)

Accidental Violence
A few days ago i toe punted a toddler square in the chest as i was walking.

He fell back quite far and i ran like fuck before anyone noticed.

'Twas a good day...
(Jizzbiscuits-Murphy wroted this on, Sun 24 Jun 2007, 17:52, Reply)

School Traditions
Things that you did at school that were odd.
(abignumber, Sun 24 Jun 2007, 15:24, Reply)

Two Ideas...
My Brush With Fundementalism- Peoples stories of the time they met a devout christian/muslim/scientologist and the hilarious result.
And an idea I've posted a few times
Schoolboy Pranks- C'mon, I've got a good one if you do...
( Paedosmile service with a grin., Sat 23 Jun 2007, 17:45, Reply)

Riots
I was in a riot in Budapest last year. Having been separated from my comrades, I found myself in a deserted grid system cordoned off by angry police with their bats and tear-gas. Paranoia set in and I had to befriend a far-right fascist rioter just so that he would help me get home. We ended up hiding in the back of a car and were carefully driven past the police as the driver had a press pass.

Have you been in a riot? What's the most scary/interesting thing that happened to you?
(StrongBad =! strong% AND StrongBad =! bad%: StrongBad = 1/0, Sat 23 Jun 2007, 1:09, Reply)

Ticket to Hull
What have you done that you are truly ashamed of?
(Thebigfella, Fri 22 Jun 2007, 17:07, Reply)

Driving stories
We've all had moments in our 1 litre shitboxes where suddenly we're faced with an open road, the sun is shining, and you floor the gas through a series of swooping bends. Then your front nearside tyre detaches itself from the car, bouncing across the road, over a hedge and into a field.

Why don't we all tell our best and most embarrassing driving stories?
(helmsdeep, Fri 22 Jun 2007, 6:04, Reply)

unfortunate regs
... i saw a car last saturday with the reg:

PE04 FIL

and one car in my area is

R3T ARD

or similar.

I quite like this one:

EK55 WFE

what unfortunate or involuntarily funny car ergs have you seen?
( bierbelly, Fri 22 Jun 2007, 0:34, Reply)

We should compile a list

of all the best insults

here are some of mine:

Twix-tickler, ring-raider, heiny-hobbit, cunty mctwatstine...

come on people, be creative
(Chubster Will kill your children and burn your wife on, Thu 21 Jun 2007, 21:11, Reply)

Public sex!
Where was the best public (or semi-public) place you ever had sex?

Here's mine: www.virtualblueridge.com/parkway_tour/overlooks/00019.asp

Just past the stone retaining wall at the edge of the parking lot the ground drops off just enough to have sex standing up without being seen...
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 21 Jun 2007, 16:40, Reply)

Culture clash?
As we have people from both sides of the ocean in here, we sometimes have strange miscommunications due to differences in slang. What things have you misunderstood from the other side?
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 21 Jun 2007, 14:29, Reply)

random acts of wrongness
i just saw a tramp hock up a bright green loogy. and a pigeon hop over on its withered stumps and peck it up joyfully.

what's the most random and the grimmest thing you've ever seen/done? i'm off to barf now...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 21 Jun 2007, 13:47, Reply)

Childish substitutes for "grown-up" words
My mates and I once compiled a list of amusing terms to describe things like defecation, masturbation and female/male genitalia

Among my personal contributions were fish mitten (for lady parts obviously)
Sitting on a totem pole (having a big poo) and tending the axe wound (nasty I know but the more horrific the better!)

Childish I know but we're all guilty of having done it.
What less-than scientific descriptions are guaranteed to make you giggle like a schoolgirl?
(Peek_a_Boo forgot how fun B3ta was until, Wed 20 Jun 2007, 14:42, Reply)

The Class Joker
Who was it and what pranks did they pull, which kid would answer yes to the dangerous question, "so you think your a comedian?"
(InGear Slipped this one in on, Wed 20 Jun 2007, 1:17, Reply)

Who do you want to die?
Bernard Manning is gone, so my list shrinks to just under 1000...

Who do you want to die and why?
(Jizzbiscuits-Murphy wroted this on, Tue 19 Jun 2007, 20:19, Reply)

surrealist jokes
surrealist jokes
(Tizer, Tue 19 Jun 2007, 11:10, Reply)

Expensive mistakes
We're moving mortgage at the moment. "It'll be incredibly cheap", trilled the mortgage provider.

A mere £1000 in fees later, we've still not finished it.

What's your most expensive mistake?
( shadyron, Mon 18 Jun 2007, 17:57, Reply)