What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.....
What bizarre things have you or your friends got upto when abroad and unsupervised?

That way, Nikdude has an excuse to elaborate on The Ballad of Pervy Matt ;)
(Seance Trumpet has got no beef with a man enjoying a croissant, Mon 23 Jul 2007, 3:44, Reply)

But... but... it's all true!
So we've discussed the lies you've told, and the things you've got away with. Now, the reverse. I was once filling in some paperwork for a project where I used to work, and one question was 'list your publications'. So I did.

Next day, I had the Fat Controller on the phone - 'What's all this? Don't you know this stuff is serious?'

I couldn't get him to believe it was true, so I called the guy working on the document and told him to delete that bit. He said that he had anyway, as 'I knew it was bollocks'.

So, the question is: what have you not managed to convince people of, even though it was true?
(purplegod counting down for Christmas!, Fri 20 Jul 2007, 19:47, Reply)

Dive! Dive!
One of the many conversations that I wish I hadn't been in was explaining to a little old lady why her telly programme hadn't recorded. She'd tried to record a two-hour film onto an E30 video tape, and it hadn't worked. I explained what the numbers meant, and about SP/LP and all of that. All was going swimmingly, until I asked, somewhat smugly, if she'd like some longer video tapes. "Oh no," she said, "don't worry. I've got lots of tapes, it's just that my husband died before he could tell me what the numbers meant."

Oh.

So, what conversations would you have rather avoided?
(purplegod counting down for Christmas!, Fri 20 Jul 2007, 19:40, Reply)

But the intertubes were my friends...
I once had a go at Internet dating. And what a fantastic idea that is. It combines all the fun of trying to impress members of the appropriate gender with all the stuff that normally goes wrong when computers are involved. So, how have you managed to foul up when using a computer?
(purplegod counting down for Christmas!, Fri 20 Jul 2007, 19:35, Reply)

Still not over it
Good suggestion.

My mum threw away all my diaries when I was about 13 as "they were all old".
"Yes mum, that is the nature of diaries."

Ok, so I know I was filling them with things like "Today I pulled a bogie out my nose that was the size of a bunch of grapes", but hey - they were memories man!

I've got lots more and could probably fill several pages on my own if this one gets chosen...
(EvilMeister, Wed 18 Jul 2007, 20:26, Reply)

Liven Up Graveyards!!
We all dread the experience of visiting the graves of loved ones, why not make these occasions a time of amusement. The late great Spike Milligan had his epitaph read; 'I told you I was ill?' Albeit in Gaelic. If you could have something amusing written on your headstone what would it be?
(lankynyack, Wed 18 Jul 2007, 15:52, Reply)

Cheaters=1, Prospering=0
How about cheating stories?

Times you've cheated and got away with it, or times you've cheated and got caught in moronically stupid (and hilarious) ways...
(Daecon Has a sammich in his head, Wed 18 Jul 2007, 7:07, Reply)

Caught in the act
Oh no! Your parents caught you wanking. What's the best excuse you've ever given them for your below-the-belt fumblings?
( KersaI Missive Free Michael Shields! with Monday's Liverpool Echo, Tue 17 Jul 2007, 21:24, Reply)

Graffiti, again.
I know we already had this one, but there's always cool graffiti cropping up and it was a fun one to read.
( randomwomanwholikespink, Tue 17 Jul 2007, 10:58, Reply)

Weird, funny words...
For some reason, when Mr Goddess' brother says 'onion, onion' to him, he creases into fits of giggles. I have a weird thing with the word fridge where, if I say it over and over in my mind so many times it sounds really strange, and just the mention of the word willy to my step son has him giggling like a loon.
Is it just me and my lot or does every-one have a word that sets them off?
( randomwomanwholikespink, Tue 17 Jul 2007, 10:44, Reply)

Prats
I work as a till bitch at a shite supermarket. It begins with "S" and ends in "ainsbury's." This bloke came in today and tried to push in front of three people, to which I said "sorry mate, back of the que is there." He drew himself up to his full (not that impressive) height, puffed out his chest and cried aloud: "DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!"

I, in all honesty, replied "not a clue mate. Back of the que, please."

Turns out he was some twunt what was on Big Brother year before last or something. He had a hissy fit and stormed out when people laughed at me/him.

When was the last time you saw someone make a total prat of themselves?
(MJPerry was crude but clickable at, Sun 15 Jul 2007, 18:42, Reply)

People being prats
I work as a till bitch at a shite supermarket. It begins with "S" and ends in "ainsbury's." This bloke came in today and tried to push in front of three people, to which I said "sorry mate, back of the que is there." He drew himself up to his full (not that impressive) height, puffed out his chest and cried aloud: "DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!"

I replied, in all honesty: "Not a clue, mate" to the stifled and not-so-stifled giggles of everyone in the vicinity. He threw a hissy fit and walked out.

A little research with my fellow cashiers revealed that he was some twunt what was on that Big Brother programme. I've never watched it.

When was the last time you saw someone make a total prat of themselves?
(MJPerry was crude but clickable at, Sun 15 Jul 2007, 18:40, Reply)

Children of the damned
I've been baby-sitting for several years now, and fortunately the horror stories have kept to a minimum. It's still going to take a lot to make me forget when the youngest of two was still getting potty-trained.

"I have to use the bathroom."
"Okay, go nuts."

He dances out of the room and I return to whatever I was reading, probably Irvine Welsh. (Great example I'm setting for the sprogs, yes?) He dances back into the room, hands firmly clamped in his crotch and doing the poopy-dance.

"I have to poop."
"Okay, go poop."
"I need you to open the door."
"What?"

His older brother detaches from the TV long enough to tell me

"He's still being potty-trained, so we're letting him use the lawn."
"WHAT?!"

This still remains the one and only time I've had to call a parent. Their mom was very patient in explaining to me that yes, he can pee or poop in the backyard. It didn't help that I could hear their older cousin laughing herself sick in the background. My parents almost collapsed a collective lung when I shared the story with them. Fortunately, I was spared the task and asked the younger to hold it in until his parents got home, which he duly obeyed.

These are the same kids who would later say Ms. Scarlet of 'Clue' was ugly because she looked like a Japanese woman. This is the same night we're watching a TV version of 'Alice in Wonderland' and the same lawn-crapper declares Mr. Caterpillar (Sammy Davis Jr) to be a bad man.

"Why's that?"
"Because he has grey skin."

Once again, my parents come dangerously close to impairing their health from how hard they're laughing when I tell them about this, and I have to restrain myself from the same thing when I lecture the wee one about how that's not nice.

Despite these little incidents, I adore the lil buggers and they're two of the sweetest kids in the world. (They also got me into Harry Potter.) They're moving soon and it makes me sad, but as long as I have Sammy Davis Jr, I can still have the shame.

What delightful or horrible experiences have you had with children?
(DeadCats, Sun 15 Jul 2007, 8:44, Reply)

Small Children
Everyone has been in that situation - you're looking after/borrowing to get in free/lumbered with a small child and they say something -in the loudest voice possible- along the lines of:

"Mummy, why do you wear little knickers and have a big bottom and I wear big knickers and have a little bottom?"

/General comment about poo/testicles/something else embarrassing.
(Marmite Omelette ...but I feel better having screamed, don't you?, Sat 14 Jul 2007, 15:54, Reply)

Bad Holidays
I think this would be an interesting QOTW
( Mrs.Sp@m, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 11:28, Reply)

Unsatisfied with the English language?
If you could change a word slightly or morph multiple words together and have them put in the dictionary, what would they be?

How about graffiti becoming giraffiti, for that especially elevated vandalism? (yes, e-tales again)
(kris kringle I only posted this message to find out the date on, Thu 12 Jul 2007, 23:59, Reply)

Fantasy names for Children
In an ideal world, I would name my first born....

Juan T Christ

It would set him up for an interesting life, if nothing else.

What would you call yours if social services couldn't arrest you?
(Jugular, Thu 12 Jul 2007, 15:38, Reply)

Get my celebrity name
My Dad works with James Bond. Neither of them have a license to kill, infact they both work in a municipal tip. They spend their afternoons smoking nasty cigarettes, listing to the most god awful country music and swearing at members of the public.

Amuse us all with stories about non-famous folk with famous names.
(lympicita_ie, Thu 12 Jul 2007, 15:06, Reply)

What would you like to know?
I personally would like to know what's so great about "a slice of fried gold"

A slice of fried bread would be more useful, surely?
(Jugular, Thu 12 Jul 2007, 11:29, Reply)

and then it all kicked off
i was in a shady bar in London fairly pissed and
two different gangs of football hooligans came in eyeing each other angrily and started many loud drinking games,me and my mates were playing the catch a beer mat/frizbee game and unfortunately i whacked mine very hard which frizbee'd into the back of the head of one of the guys who immediately threw a chair at the other sides supporters, we crept along the floor to get out....
( Trollman, Thu 12 Jul 2007, 9:43, Reply)

how would you improve your job?
When I answer the phone, I rattle off the little script in a "warm and friendly manner" This script includes the company name and my name but lately I've been getting a lot of calls where the very first thing people say is "what's your name?"
FUCK YOU! that's my fucking name bitch
is what I often feel like replying
what's the deal? do you really need to know my name in order for me to be a good phone monkey and help you out? NO YOU FUCKING DON'T! and if you did really want to know my name so you can mutter it to yourself while you wank on the toilet, why the fuck didn't you fucking listen when I answered the fucking phone in the first place you fuck? especially the bit where I go "My name is....."
if bothers me, I don't like giving out my name, if people ask my full name I refuse to give it to them, I don't see why they should have it just because they ask for it in a snotty manner, especially as I'm the onyl phone monkey in the entire company with this first name anyway
they can wear false name tags in virgin megastor so why can't we give out false names on the phone
or even better if we could tell one customer per day to go fuck a goat
eh?
( VampireMonkeyOnSpeed a super sexy sexual sex terrorist sex, Wed 11 Jul 2007, 16:26, Reply)

A close shave
At uni, i was in the lab attempting to neutralise a very concentrated acid solution before disposing of it down the sink. As all the bench alkalis were pretty dilute, i opted for a more concentrated saturated carbonate solution. This causes the acid to heat up as it reacts and also produces carbon dioxide gas. Long story short, i fuck up and nearly take my face off as a jet of boiling hot concentrated sulfuric acid just misses my head.

And yes, according to IUPAC it is spelled with an f now. Although Americans have to spell it "aluminium" and "caesium" so we're still 1 up...
(Rushy, Wed 11 Jul 2007, 1:35, Reply)

Freudian Slips
A freudian slip is where a person says what is on their mind rather than what they intended to say.

Examples (stolen from e-tales):

At the breakfast table:

Intended to say: "Could you pass the butter please dear?"

Actually said: "You've ruined my life you fat ugly bitch"

or

Upon seeing a girl with large breasts issuing tickets at the train station:

"Single to Titting please" (Tooting...)

What other freudian slips have b3tans made (or perhaps nearly made/wish they had made)?
(kris kringle I only posted this message to find out the date on, Wed 11 Jul 2007, 0:24, Reply)

Funny festival or concert stories.
At the weekend I was at Oxegen and Babyshambles were playing. They were finishing when the camera panned the crowd and everyone was cheering and suddenly a woman up at the front got hit in the face by a half full beer cup and it was all over the screens so everyone seen it, also there was some fat chap running around the campsites only wearing a sock.....on his cock.
(Monoball, Tue 10 Jul 2007, 0:22, Reply)

B3ta interfering in your life!
I work as a CDM Co-ordinator (its a health and safety thing), but due to b3ta I continue to write cdc co-ordinator - this has become such a problem that I have had to specially re-read any documents I write!

How has b3ta got in the way of your everyday life?
( Random Image Yes, yes, I'll speak to you on Monday, Mon 9 Jul 2007, 21:19, Reply)

lovin the english language
slimtallgoth's mum asking him when he was getting some AFRO turf boots (for football)

OR his 'smoking' friend telling him that his passport had 'perspired'

my (witch) gran telling me once the pavement was in such bad repair she had to walk on the verger all the way home

or pronouncing lasagne as it was spelt....

and pizza - but the 'z' pronounced as an 's'

my mental mother asking the doctor about some rest bite care for the (witch) granny....

Our US cousins asking where loogyboogy is (loughborough) or alternatively a college friend saying they'd applied to loogabarooga
( curvylittlegoth heard the voices in your head on, Mon 9 Jul 2007, 1:45, Reply)

Universal pleasures
I'm willing to bet that everyone (and I mean everyone) who reads this will have once in their lives grabbed a dog by the two front legs and done a little waltz with it.

What are the things that everybody - regardless of gender, ethnicity and social status - enjoys?
( Willmot laid a scotch egg, Sat 7 Jul 2007, 11:57, Reply)

errr
edit of a multiple post....nothing to see here.
( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Fri 6 Jul 2007, 20:48, Reply)