Terrified
What scares the living crap out of you? Why? When have you been at your most scared?
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Tue 23 Oct 2007, 16:58, Reply)

Niceness from Strangers
One winter evening I wandered round Leeds city centre with a box of chocolates handing them out to refuse collectors, police officers and bus drivers. I was a little tipsy at the time, but I felt a warm glow of cheeriness for treating those who were still at work.

What's the nicest thing a stranger has ever done for you? Have you ever committed a random act of kindness?
( e.m.m.y. foxtrot uniform charlie kilo india tango, Tue 23 Oct 2007, 11:25, 2 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Grooming fictional characters.
On Sat (20th Oct) J.K. Rowling announced that Dumbledore was gay.
Being the slightly twisted person that I am I wondered if he had been grooming Harry Potter for his own personal gain - after he left school and was and all legal and stuff.
Are there any other fictional characters that could have been gooming unsuspecting fictional children without us realising?
(Darkbex I have nothing to declare... not even my genius, Tue 23 Oct 2007, 11:18, 2 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Soilage
My mate Dave went to watch Ian Brown the other day.

He got so drunk that he pooed his pants on the way home.

When did you last lose control in the toilet department?
(smorgasbord, Tue 23 Oct 2007, 1:27, Reply)

My Worst Job
I haven't got an amusing story about mine, but I know you fuckers will.
(billybobbean is still trying to make it QOTW's best of the week, Sat 20 Oct 2007, 14:11, Reply)

Amazing Skills
Last week, through a combination of boredom and highly-developed sphincter control, I managed to do a poo shaped exactly like a cock. It had a bellend and everything.

Whether it's particularly useful to anyone is a null point. It's a good skill to have, and I'm proud of it.

What amazing skills do you posses?
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Fri 19 Oct 2007, 13:16, Reply)

Stories of Chav Encounters?
And the outcome of such encounters?
( Squiggy Alloria makes theme parks., Thu 18 Oct 2007, 12:52, Reply)

l'espirit d'escalier
In school, on of the bullies on my bus was taking the piss out of my mate Kevin Arthur for having a surname like a first name. The bully in question's name was Gary George, but being a first year, I kept quiet...

Ever wish you'd said something to someone at the time?
( BlueHaze Chutney. All good., Tue 16 Oct 2007, 13:43, Reply)

Oowww
with the rugby world cup on, I got to thinking about the various injuries i have received over the years playing sports.

One year, I had my scrotum ripped open by a massive rugby player who proceeded to laugh himself hoarse after he saw what he had done.

What is the worst sporting injury you've ever had?
(skipping merrily in the meadows, Mon 15 Oct 2007, 23:42, Reply)

Fight! Fight! Fight! or Flight!
I was in a pub a few years back playing pool with the not-ironically-named Big Dave when a wee scrote started to kick off that it was his turn to play. Brandishing an upturned cue in one hand, he squared up to me and asked me what I was going to do about it.

Cool as the proverbial cucumber, I turned to Dave and asked for his opinion: he slowly unfolded his massive frame from his seat and didn't even have time to reply before scrote-boy decided that he was mistaken and made himself scarce.

Which was lucky, since I'm about a tough as a particularly weedy weed and Dave, despite his imposing bulk, wouldn't say boo to a goose.

Tell us about fights you've (nearly or really) been in. If it's 'nearly', how did you avoid it? If 'really', did you own them, or get your arse kicked?

P.S. Yes I know we had 'school fights' before but it was a while ago and I reckon this might be different enough. Maybe.
( reallywittyname veraciously conspues lexiphanicism on, Mon 15 Oct 2007, 11:11, Reply)

It's almost Halloween
and as I'm too old to go out dressed oddly, looking for candy(without attracting a lot of attention, possibly from the police), I'd like to spend the evening reading my fellow b3tans' spooky experiences/excellent Halloween tricks.
(louveciennes , Volvospotter, Sun 14 Oct 2007, 20:10, Reply)

Are you a total cunt?
Perhaps you've done things that are malicious, vindictive or spiteful, and yet somehow you feel proud of the achievement? Maybe you've deliberately screwed someone over and justified it to yourself by saying "They deserved it!" Perhaps you're a misogynist, a homophobe or a Nazi, and you're tired of having to keep it quiet in this "PC gone mad" world. Well, why not unburden yourself here?

Oh wait, you do. In every QOTW that comes up. You cunt.
( somegreybloke, Sun 14 Oct 2007, 10:54, Reply)

The con is on
I have recently become obsessed with the BBC Three show 'The Real Hustle.' It's a show that demonstrates real cons and hustles, apparently to warn you of the dangers.

Personally, I think of it as a 'How To' show for aspiring con artists. So that got me thinking - has anyone on B3ta carried out a successful con? Perhaps you hustled a few quid off a stranger, or defrauded a multi-national company. If so, tell all.
(Pavlov's Frog figures no-one really reads sigs anyway, Thu 11 Oct 2007, 23:46, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

Vicious Things Said by Children
Reading the insults qotw got me to remembering a little boy and girl, approx. 8 or 9, sitting on a wall outside a house back home. Boy-child looks over and says:

"Your parents are nice, but I hate you."

Children say the harshest things; the sort've ice-cold, stop-in-your-tracks perception adults forget. Make with the anecdotes.
(Cheesecake Like a cake...But cheese, Thu 11 Oct 2007, 16:38, Reply)

I'm not bitter
How about how women ruin our lives?

Nope, not bitter
(oeb, Thu 11 Oct 2007, 15:18, Reply)

Angry
what makes you really, furiously, blood-boilingly angry?

at the moment it's the fact that although everything has happened that needs to happen in order for me to exchange contracts on my house, for some reason there is a delay

I blame the fucking solicitors. cunts.

normally, I would list 1) stupid people and 2) the amount of coverage that CO2 gets as related to climate change as the things that make me really angry.

excuse rant
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 11 Oct 2007, 14:06, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

How About...
1. What Porn Taught Me
2. Things I wished I'd never seen.
3. Slapstick Moments Of My Life
4. When I Saw Jeffrey Archer.
(Vic Flange, Thu 11 Oct 2007, 13:29, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

Voyeurism
Have you ever accidentally seen something intimate and private and... well... ended up watching? Or found that others had been watching you? Tell all!
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Thu 11 Oct 2007, 12:20, Reply)

Everything I know about life, I got from the movies

When I was a kid, I used to wear tight blue jeans and a baseball jacket, convinced that I was Eddie Murphy from Beverley Hills Cop – Despite the fact that I was a 13 year old spotty schoolboy…and WHITE.

Even as an adult, and admittedly when drunk, I have sometimes found myself outstretching my arm and trying to use ‘the force’. I have also passed comment / argued about subjects that I regard as fact, simply because I saw it in a movie, ‘therefore it must be true’.

Anybody else had their lives / philosophy / personality changed because of a movie?
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 11 Oct 2007, 10:35, Reply)

Whoops....
What's the most expensive mistake you've ever made?

I could tell the story of a certain employee who caused 4 hours worth of delays in Central London and got his company fined £500k...

Bonus points for teenage party stories involving your parent's priceless antiques.

No bonus points for stories about the time you had a few and thought it'd be a good idea to wrap your car around a bollard.
( HSDriver was probably still at work on, Thu 11 Oct 2007, 10:19, Reply)

temper, temper
I've only ever lost my temper twice. I have a very long fuse but an almighty explosive rage at the other end.

The last time it was at a complete stranger who let his four hundred giant mutant* German shepherds terrorise and harrass me for a full five minutes before he called them off. I let the red mist descend fully before I stomped after him and unleashed a torrent of fear-induced high-decibel anger at him. He stood there and took the full blast of my nuclear temper loss then meekly rounded up his dogs and went home. And my parents were too scared to talk to me afterwards.

What happened the last time you lost your temper?



*may have only been four normal sized German shepherds, but that's what it felt like.
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Wed 10 Oct 2007, 11:38, Reply)

The Future
Forget what happened in the past, what's going to happen in the future?

Have you imagined it before? What did you think it would be like? What will it be like?
What's your shiny crystal ball say?
(Swellington Please rebel against my orders., Wed 10 Oct 2007, 9:53, Reply)

Look, I can explain...
I was once caught by my Boss sat in front of a spectrophotometer, pretending it was a piano, whilst singing along to "I just called to say I love you" doing my best head swaying Stevie Wonder impression. It had seemed like a good idea three minutes previously.

Tell me about the time you've been caught doing something oh-so-innocent that has led to the conversation starting, "Look, I can explain..."
(Rakky (forgot her password) The muffin maverick, Tue 9 Oct 2007, 15:35, Reply)

How Unlucky Can It Get?
A long-standing colleague of mine was due to retire last Friday (5th Oct) after 24 years service with a suitable pay off and a nice final salary pension.
Unfortunately the gent had a heart attack the night before whilst driving (Thursday 4th October), crashed and unfortunately for him died.
What is the unluckiest thing you have ever come across?
(Dark Matter All The Wonders In The World & We Invent Boredom, Tue 9 Oct 2007, 12:56, Reply)

Kinkiness
Last weekend I was texting my current filth partner of choice as she was lying in bed next to her friend. They had fooled around before and after a little persuading she indulged in some more lady love while texting me the whole time. Afterwards she claimed it was the kinkiest thing she had ever done.

Tell us about the kinkiest thing you've ever seen or done.
(quantum raspberry quizzically quashing Quebecans, Tue 9 Oct 2007, 11:13, Reply)

QOTW suggestion
Shocking stories... when did you last recieve a shock or some sort... i.e. elctric shock, money shock, sexual shock (ie discovery of a transvestite) emotional shock, explosion shock, ghostly shock.... easy...!!!
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Tue 9 Oct 2007, 10:17, Reply)

other peoples alements
One time at work i was in the portacabin with the other staff (all two of them) and I was the youngest by a good twenty years. Somehow the conversation turned to illnesses, and I was trapped listening to two old men discussing piles, and bowels in graphic details. In the end I had to go out into the rain to escape the descriptions of suffering anuses.

when have you been forced to listen to other peoples intimate medical problems against your will.
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Mon 8 Oct 2007, 18:23, Reply)