First day at school in assembly.
I pissed myself during the Lord's Prayer.
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Wed 22 Feb 2012, 19:38, 5 replies)

I stopped smoking a few weeks ago...
...and whilst I don't *think* that I'm being ratty and narky, I probably am.

However, instead of biting at people who say "Oh, he's giving up smoking...so THAT'S why he's like that" etc... - which, let's face it is a sure-fire way of getting someone who's stopping smoking to flare up and start a bloody good row - I was at my sister's house having dinner with the family, when she started saying the kinds of things mentioned above.

Rather than bite, I simply added various Welsh language programs into her recording schedule on Sky+.

Well...I thought it was evil.
(dchurch bah, Wed 22 Feb 2012, 19:13, Reply)

In my previous life as a nurse
I often got sent to call in patients for the clinicians - they would thrust a file into my unsuspecting hands and tell me to get the patient in. Such beauties included:-

- Mrs Fuchs (pronounced fucks)
- Joe King
- Dan Tsing
- Justina Case
And my personal favourite:-
- Mr Paul Mycoch (the "ch" pronunced as a "k" - not that I needed to tell you this)

I wouldn't twig until I had either got to the waiting room or was calling them - don't know who's the bigger bastard the parents for naming their children this or the clinicians for making me call them!!
(ChickenChaser chases chickens, Wed 22 Feb 2012, 18:19, 15 replies)

If our eyes ever have to meet for more than just one second
Then if you weren't already there, I would tell you to go to hell, but if I spent my whole damn life trying to think of a curse for you, it would never be as bad as the curse that you dealt to yourself.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 22 Feb 2012, 17:57, 2 replies)

My friend killed a swan...
We were walking over a bridge and he picked up a big rock and chucked it onto the swan that was in the banks of the river below. I wasn't happy about that.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Wed 22 Feb 2012, 15:47, 9 replies)

I once entered a haiku competition using
Madeline McCann
World hide and seek champion
Two thousand and nine
(magic the cat will someone please think of the kittens, Wed 22 Feb 2012, 15:47, 4 replies)

potential
given the current run of adverts on 4od about descriptive audio services, i think i may sign a few of my friends up without thier knowledges.

imagine the hilarity

MWAH HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

etc
(magictorch, Wed 22 Feb 2012, 14:54, 9 replies)

I live and work in York
And at lunchtimes, I like to take a walk along the river to get some fresh air, or smoke a couple of ciggies if it's a bad day.

Most of the year, there are 'pleasure boats' which ferry tourists and school parties up and down the river while a bored guide gives some sort of commentary.

What I like to do is to catch the eye of a kid / group of kids on board and wait for them to wave - don't ask me why, but people will always wave from a boat. I then casually, but obviously give them the 'Vs' before strolling off on my merry way.

Little scrotes.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Wed 22 Feb 2012, 14:51, 2 replies)

I once made light of
the as yet unsolved disappearance of a 3 year old British child in the Algarve region of Portugal in 2007.
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Wed 22 Feb 2012, 14:33, 3 replies)

A half-remembered tale that I'll pretend was me
So I was at this party, right, and there was this load of rugby lads there, yeah? And they were all being right tossers, and one of them probably rubbed his nuts on my pint or something like that.

So the person I might have heard this off reckons I hatched a plan to get back said rugby tossers. Opening the fridge and surreptiously making off with one of them big tubs of margarine, or butter, or something equivalent for the purposes of the story, I retired to the bathroom.

I scooped out a load of the butter or Flora or whatever it happened to be and did a massive great big poo into the tub. The story then goes that the butter was put back in the tub in such a way as to make it look normal, and the tub was carefully returned to the fridge so as not to arouse suspicion.

Whether or not this happened I'll never know, but apparently the owner of the butter got very cross the next day or whenever he happened to need some butter, and they all had a big punch up over it, or something like that. It would probably be funniest if the biggest twat of the rugby lads got the blame and had his entire face set on fire as punishment, so we'll say that that's what happened.
(Eukanuba, Wed 22 Feb 2012, 14:14, 6 replies)

Potatoes gonna potate
Most Atkins Dieters will blanch and hand over their wallets when confronted with a semiautomatic spud gun.
( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Wed 22 Feb 2012, 12:58, 2 replies)

I once slightly inconvenienced someone I actually quite like, deliberately.
Chortle!
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 22 Feb 2012, 12:32, 12 replies)

pure evil
I once ironed creases right down the front of each leg of my flat mate's jeans. Because I didn't like him.
(hamblettamaud, Wed 22 Feb 2012, 11:56, 3 replies)

I like to deliberately split infinitives.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 22 Feb 2012, 11:39, 14 replies)

Killing them softly with my love.
Two of my best friends have their "own quietus made" by injecting themselves with an amount of illegal drugs in such a dose that it killed them. One deliberately, one probably not so much.
I miss 'em both terribly.
That is all.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Wed 22 Feb 2012, 10:45, 10 replies)

A cool trick
Walk up to a homeless person and put a handful of screws and washers into his or her little plastic cup. The look of pure joy on his or her face followed immediately by confusion, then despair, then anger never ceases to cheer me up when I’m feeling down. Such a wonderful range of emotions.
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Wed 22 Feb 2012, 10:44, 3 replies)

I once swapped
a few of the names around in the contact list on Mrs SLVA's phone. Apparently Becky from work was most surprised to learn that my wife wanted to undress her slowly before laying her down and giving her oral sex until she was close to climax before moving up the bed and sitting on her face.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 22 Feb 2012, 9:52, 14 replies)

When my mate went to toilet
I got hold of his wallet and using a security marker, drew a speech bubble on all his banknotes so when he went to pay for stuff and they checked the note under the UV scanner, the Queen appeared to be saying 'pissflaps' and 'bollocks'.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 22 Feb 2012, 9:46, 2 replies)

This one girl at work
used to have her coffee extra strong. Four spoonfuls of instant per cup sort of thing. So one day I kicked her in the cunt so hard she lifted off the floor.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 22 Feb 2012, 9:42, 3 replies)

A good 20 years ago when I was house sitting for a mate
I fast-forwarded all of his video tapes to the end.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 22 Feb 2012, 9:37, 3 replies)

I once swapped
the ink cartridges around in a guy's office printer. Apparently the designs he printed a few days later looked like something found in Andy Warhol's dustbin.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 22 Feb 2012, 9:36, 3 replies)

evil is choosing to read a qotw that you know is specifically about random acts of evil and then bagging people who post examples.

sorry by evil I mean cuntish.
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Wed 22 Feb 2012, 9:35, Reply)

I called baldmonkey a fat ballbag.
Like, a hundred times.
( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Wed 22 Feb 2012, 9:27, 6 replies)

Nope, got nothing.
Sorry.
( Adolf Hitler last de-lurked, Wed 22 Feb 2012, 9:05, 4 replies)

Most mum's are evil
Not content with ruining my boyhood dreams of growing up to become Tarzan: "You'll have to pay VAT on bananas and those tree houses still have mortgages", my mum also dressed me in T-Shirts with my name on them.

According to the photographic evidence supplied in ye olde family albums, every T-Shirt she bought for me as a child has got my name emblazoned on the front.

Even more evil than that? My name has two Ts in it. Every T-Shirt has my name with one T.
(durtydriscoll, Wed 22 Feb 2012, 3:32, 9 replies)

Uncle Terry's Front Door
Uncle Terry was a bit of a spiv, but he was also an inveterate scrounger, which was far worse.

wavy wavy wavy

Post-war Hull was being re-built quickly and cheaply. My Grandfather, my Dad and his four brothers in their teens and twenties were in various trades and thus busy. To be found easily on any day of the week on any of the hundreds of building sites in the city, they were regularly pestered by Uncle Terry who would invariably be after a bit of this or that 'to do up the shed/prefab/pigeon loft' There were few enforcers on these sites so it was evidently easy to nick half a stack of bricks, a few bags of cement, or a tin of paint. Terry would sidle up to one of them, offer them a ciggie and ask for something or other.... Now family loyalties were strong so it was hard to say no. But Terry took the proverbial and three or four times a week he'd be after something. His welcome had worn very thin on the day he asked George for a tin of paint for his front door.

George disappeared to rootle out a tin which was grumpily handed over 'Cheers lad' says Terry and he disappears.

A week passes and Terry's back on the hunt again. Another tin of paint for the front door. 'But you had a tin last week..!?' 'I know but it weren't any good. It went on alright but our Brenda said it made the house stink and a load of flies got stuck in it before it dried so the door needs doing again. And she said she wants it green this time, not brown.'

George says 'shall I not shit in this one then?'
(Bergamot B , has not been to the office since, Wed 22 Feb 2012, 0:58, 1 reply)

Devil Duck called me a miserable scruttock :(
www.b3ta.com/talk/7452463
(PR1CKBOT IS ONLINE, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 21:42, Reply)

This one time I typed qué instead of cue
Just to cunt everyone off
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 21:28, 3 replies)

3 Problems, 1 solution

Problem 1: Derelicts in the downtown area of my home city, shaking plastic cups (jingle jingle) begging for change. Problem 2: Wife is a soft touch and insists that at least one of us give away our cash to help those less fortunate. Problem 3: Still have a jar of now worthless old pre-Euro coins at home (French Francs, German Deutschmarks, Spanish Pesetas, etc.) left over from business trips, as I cannot bring myself to just toss away anything that is, or ever was, actual money.

Solution to all 3 problems: Grab a fistful of old valueless coins, toss into beggars' cups while doing the town with wife. Bask in the approving smile of the missus and rejoice to the voices fading into the distance as I stroll away: "Thank you sir, God bless you sir, you have a nice day now, sir..."
(Roving Blowtorch, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 20:48, 4 replies)