Browser, Browser, Browser...
Perhaps if you'd spent some more of your time 'browsing' the classic literature section of your local bookshop you'd be aware of The Woman in White, a standard 'A' Level English text that's only been around for 147 years.

Maybe - just maybe - you would not look as much of a 'fucking retard' as you do now.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 26 Feb 2007, 16:44, Reply)

Uh. Chickens.
I'm not afraid of chickens, not by a margin.

But I did once work in a battery farm - that's about a gazillion chickens in tiny cages for those that don't know.

My job was to collect eggs from the roller some inches from their beaks. And they'd peck you - well I would if I'd been stacked in a tiny cage.

The noise, the smell, the sights, the environment were unimaginable.

Every now and then the noise would get to this crescendo making you fear the worse, then it would stop - all the chickens, as one, would stop. There'd be this eerie silence and then the noise would start again.

It was freaky.

I lasted about a month.

Scared - Bleedin' terrified.

"Soapbox" moment:

I now don't get eggs from battery hens as it's inhumane and wrong - and I know this from personal experience. And I urge you to do the same.
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Mon 26 Feb 2007, 16:41, Reply)

Oh Noes, Teh Horrorz.


This, as the more astute of you will have picked up, is a can of Relentless, a caffeine drink, higher in caffeine content and sheer volume than your standard Red Bull. It is, at the best of times, a fantastically effective relief for tiredness, for a hard day at uni, or if you don't want to sleep for any reason.

However, it can be taken too far. I was up all night talking to a friend of mine and I felt myself dropping off at around 5:30. So off I go down to SPAR and find this genius invention not only in strangely large supply, but on special offer (2 for £2 if you're interested). 'Aha!', thinks I, 'Sweet elixir!'. And 4 500ml cans are duly purchased. Yes Carol fecking Vorderman, that IS 2 litres of heavily caffeinated fluid.

I continued my conversation until about 8 o'clock when she had to go, and I felt good - ready for the day ahead (a few lectures and a lunch in the pub with a friend), and happy in the knowledge that by the next morning, my sleep patterns would be well on their way to normality.

Ahhh Tom, how naive can you be?

Very, it turns out.

I carried a can around with me at uni, occasionally topping myself up when I felt lousy, and all was well, lunch was nice (even if I was a lil shaky and hyper), yadda yadda, I was fine.

Until I came back home. I sat at the computer, doing a bit of work, being generally ignorant of the world around me, when my stomach turned and I felt possibly the most violently ill I have ever felt in my life; hot + cold sweats, uncontrollably shaking hands + legs, and an incredible pain which led to the notion I was going to vomit.

This is where I should tell you that, since being a child, I have had an unreal reaction to vomit. I get very upset, panicky and I just generally hate it, which probably leads to my reluctance towards alcohol (most of the time).

I rushed around the hall of the flat, freaking out and trying to calm myself down so I didn't do myself an injury or make any sharp movements which would lead to me throwing up. I went to the kitchen, got a glass of water and continued wandering around aimlessly. By my second glass of water, I had thrown my jacket on and was meandering around the confines of the carpark outside my window, being very upset and wondering what the hell to do.

I walked back into the flat, continued sipping my water and attempted calm conversation with my flatmate. This worked for a while before I felt terrible again. Continue this sequence in various order for about 20 minutes, and I started feeling calmer and not as unwell.

It was only when the feeling had completely disappeared 24 hours later that I realised that I may have overdosed on caffeine. Seriously.

Don't do it kids.
(I R Tomsk pyromaniacs will only inflame the situation, Mon 26 Feb 2007, 16:23, Reply)

happylittletulip
I know what you mean about avairies, they are scary places. If you thing birds are bad though you should try going into a monkey enclosure.

I used to work in a crappy zoo (animal and bird garden malvern)and they had some avairy type dealies that contained limas and several species of monkey. WE had to go into the cages and change the greenery every so often, when we did this the sinister simians were usually locked away but thier eyes would burn into my back when i was in the enclosure, ooooh, i dont like monkeys, they're a little too humanesque for me, they look like they are plotting something, undoubtably something evil.
*shivers*
(superkitty is neither super nor a kitty, Mon 26 Feb 2007, 16:17, Reply)

Death Slide Doom
When i was about 8 we went to a local adventure park style place with a huge death slide. Many a time i'd pluck up the courage to get to the top sit on the edge, look death in the eye and then bottle it and do the walk of shame back down the stairs.

But one day cracked up on coke and sweets i was determined, so up i went. Being of a young age and cracked to the max on sugar, i hadn't been to the loo all day. Up i sat, jumped off the edge and promptly shat myself.. the nastiest trail of poo you've ever see all up my back and streaked down the slide. Best bit was all the kids coming down after me, and the parents brushing trying to wipe off the innocent looking wet dirt, and instead copping a touch of my love mud.

Being 8 i did what any kid would do, ran off to find some girls to wipe me pants on.
( two_hats_shakir is going break dancing after his tea, Mon 26 Feb 2007, 15:59, Reply)

ghostwatch again
That programme was evil I tells ya!!!

I couldn't even move in bed in case the evil entity (there was one i could feel its presence) saw me.

I was only 12 though.

The last time i was really scared, or rather the last time i had a shock that made my hands go all tingly was this morning, i was eatin my weetabix in the kitchen when the carefully placed onion bagel i had laid out for my lunch jumped off the side and caused me to jump 3 feet in the air.

Length, from side top to floor about 3 feet, girth the bagel measured approximatley 15cm in diameter
(superkitty is neither super nor a kitty, Mon 26 Feb 2007, 15:50, Reply)

Browser -
there is a play called Woman in White, based on the book by Wilkie Collins.

And yes, it is a ghost story.
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Mon 26 Feb 2007, 15:35, Reply)

Vine Weevil
Oh God!

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Weevil

Am I a girl? I don't mind spiders - I'm less keen on the child stealing size ones - Obviously.

But Vine Weevils freak me out - they kill my plants for a feckin' start and they crunch underfoot but the wreck my head.

My spider hoover (yes, I have a spider hoover) usually refuses to hoover it up. Nice.

Ok, Spiders wreck my head enough to mean that I've got a spider hoover. So sue me.
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Mon 26 Feb 2007, 15:05, Reply)

maggots
everyone else had buggerred off out, leaving me to mop the bathroom floor as a contribution to pre moving cleaning, fair enough. First contact between the mop and the floor and out comes a nasty wriggling pile of maggots, eep! pretty much had a panic attack, dropped everything, ran upstairs and called people to get them to come home and sort it for me. problem is now i'm paranoid that they're on me, up my trouserlegs or something, i desperately want a shower, but i'm too scared to go in the bathroom.
eventually i was brave, tucked my trousers into my socks, put on some stompy shoes and went downstairs and put a glass over each individual maggot so my flatmates could sort them when they got in.
then resumed cowering in my room.......
to be fair tho, they are creepy!
(skankgirl, Mon 26 Feb 2007, 14:49, Reply)

my neighbour's birds
I promised to feed them whilst he was away this weekend. And I have, because I'm a good neighbour and everybody needs good neighbours. Except now I'm a gibbering wreck. There must be 20 of them all in an aviary the size of a walk-in wardrobe. And I've had to go in there and feed them. And the aviary's at the bottom of his garden and it's really dark down there. Meep.

Death to the birds

Except penguins, I like penguins
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Mon 26 Feb 2007, 14:35, Reply)

Birds
Now this isn't me.

My friend is afraid of birds - all birds.

The funny thing is that he's even more afraid of dead birds.

Because they might not be dead.....

Weirdo.
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Mon 26 Feb 2007, 14:31, Reply)

oh god yes pigeons
feathery little f*ckers

i hate them, evil flappy things harbouring diseases and they always aim for my face when I'm in town


eeeeeeeeeshk
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Mon 26 Feb 2007, 14:31, Reply)

Ghostwatch and Pigeons
I've never even heard of Ghostwatch - Is it my age?

Incidentally, as I said I am scared of pigeons, but only town-rat pigeons - I like wood pigeon because they're yummy :-)
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Mon 26 Feb 2007, 14:28, Reply)

I agree with all the people on here
who have mentioned Ghostwatch

I was 10 at the time and looking back now I was petrified (but in a good way)... something about the cat noises that went with it...

Anyway I remeber my family laughing at me taking this so seriously and it is only now (14 years later) that I have bothered looking it up on t'interweb and I find I was nto the only one...

Anyway... thanks to all those that reminded me... I am off to HMV to get a copy on DVD
( weekendsession, Mon 26 Feb 2007, 14:25, Reply)

Thank god for quick reactions
A few years ago I was driving through New Malden (beautiful place I know) in South London. It was a main road so I was probably doing around 30 mph.

I could see a woman and her kid (probably 4 years old) waiting to cross ahead. When I was around 20 feet away, the little kid decided to try to cross on her own. It is during these moments that you find out how fast your reactions are and luckily it turns out mine are pretty fast. I slammed on the brakes and did a proper screeching skid, coming to a halt inches from the kid.

The mother was just standing there on the pavement paralysed looking at me. I sat there for about 30 seconds just shaking before, very slowly, pulling away. I even got a round of applause from another driver who was waiting to pull out onto the road just ahead of me and has seen the whole thing. When I got home 10 minutes later I was still shaking.

That was one of the scariest moments of my life. I came within inches of squishing a 4 year old. It still makes me shudder to think about it now.
(Tom Jones's Mojo Hasn't had any since, Mon 26 Feb 2007, 14:24, Reply)

University
Long story short, I posted about this in an earlier post about having my diary stolen:

www.b3ta.com/questions/diaries/post71241/

This all happened just before Christmas.

The guy who did this to me, as mentioned, was a guy who'd be banged up for ABH, GBH and buggery (probably). He saw me in a nightclub after he'd been thrown out of the house and decided it was my fault.

Yeh, it's my fault that I callously lock my door with my possesions inside so as to tempt you into kicking my door in - you ignorant twat.

So I'm in the gents and he comes in and has me by the neck saying it's my fault and he wants money from me.

I was terrified as I knew he'd make good on his promise.

I said I didn't have any and that I'd meet him the next day to give it to him. Well, he did know where I lived. I went with an 'ard mate who I'd told the full story too. Thankfully he wasn't there.

I was still scared and I moved out the next day. Giving up my bond and the rest of it - I never spoke to the landlady again.

I nearly quit Uni over Christmas as I just could't cope, but my friends made me stick it out - I stayed with my friend Mani for a couple of weeks while I found a place and I ended up renting a palce from a lecture who was a good guy. It was, of course, odd renting from a lecturer, but he was cool so that was ok.

I was twitchy for about 3 months and wouldn't go anywhere without my mates.

That to me was the epitomy of terror.

I still don't like being held by the neck - well, who does? Well, I'm sure some people do....

Sorry for the serious story, but I **was** genuinely scared.
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Mon 26 Feb 2007, 14:24, Reply)

cows
They're big and heavy and they can run faster than me, and I'm convinced they all know how much I like steak. The worst thing is when they stop dead from bimbling to the drinking hole in the field and slowly turn to look at me with their great big scary cow eyes.

I'm never doing the Dales Way again. Ever.

I was sure I was going to get trampled by huge throngs of vengeful Friesians rampaging across Yorkshire.

Bloody cows.
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Mon 26 Feb 2007, 14:24, Reply)

Trauma
Oh my god, the memories come flooding back.

The marble story reminded me of this one:

I was bullied at Primary school (and not just by the evil bastard nuns) and as a result I was always trying to be popular - my chief antagonist was a proper shit stabbing motherfucker who's ass deserves to be raped by the most evil of escaped convicts - John Brennan in case you're wondering....

Yes, I am over it - And breathe.

Anyhoo, I decided to "impress" by swallowing whole the biggest pickled onion I could find.

You might see where this is going.

It stuck. Fast.

And I couldn't breathe - cue much laughing from all my classmates and bastard teachers. Somehow I managed to cough it up with NO assistance from anyone. Then I cried - Well, I was 8.

I hope they all burn in hell.
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Mon 26 Feb 2007, 14:10, Reply)

oh, and this one
I work in Canary Wharf, so as you can imagine, after 9/11 and the tube bombings, I pretty much say to myself, that 'If i'm meant to go, i'm meant to go'...So i'm walking alont the banks of the Thames, and when I look up, I can see the Canary Wharf Tower, and three or four other sky scrapers of the various banks (Citigroup, HSBC etc...). Now just a wee way away, you have London City Airport. My heart was litrally in my mouth as I saw this plane fly what looked like meters above Canary Wharf Tower, and looked to be heading right in to the HSBC tower. A few seconds went passed, and there was no sound, no crash, no dust, and no collasping buildings. Then i saw the plane emerge the otherside. "They" have recently re-opened the airspace above the tower, and the surrounding area to private planes.

Length?- about 235meters!
(drain_bamaged, Mon 26 Feb 2007, 14:08, Reply)

Train Journey
Travelling back from my parent’s place on the train a couple of nights ago I heard someone say “hello, mate” over my shoulder. I look round and there’s a guy with a can of Stella who is shaking and sweating profusely. “What’s up?” says I. “Mate, your book, it’s swearing at me, it’s got to stop”. I started to worry; he was obviously on a bad trip of some sort. “Mate, stop you book swearing, you’ve got to get rid of it, throw it out of the window”.

Luckily the driver informed me over the train speakers that I could change to a straight through train at the next station. I got off pretty sharpish.
(CptCoatHanger performed his last back-street abortion on, Mon 26 Feb 2007, 14:07, Reply)

Alton-Freakin'-Towers
Damn. I've been forced to hark back to my Stoke days. And no, I'm not from Stoke and anyone that things otherwise will be met with a sharp slap.

Anyhoo.

My primary school (you know, the evil one with Nuns) was across the valley from Alton Towers so we got a free in once a year. Well, it was akin to escape for us from the evil oppresor evil bitch nuns.

I digress again.

I went on the pirate ship - pretty much on my own, my group had wondered off so I thought I'd go on the Pirate ship on my own. And play with the barrier and hold it up to stop it coming down. And no, not a single part of that is sensible.

Anyway, the pirate ship set off. The barrier was, at least partway down but not so it would hold me in place.

I was fucking terrified - Well I was 9. The thing went on swinging about with me sliding about and totally freaking me out.

I think I cried.

Did I get any sympathy from the teachers (who were nun-affiliates)? No - I got a bollocking and a slapping. A proper slapping at that, not a metaphorical one.

Twunts.
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Mon 26 Feb 2007, 14:04, Reply)

scared, damn straight
being all of 7 years old, I decided it would be a really good idea to play with my marbles (get your head of out the gutter) NOw i'm not sure how it happened, but one of those shiny ickle glass spheres decided to get stuck in my throat. Much coughing, and eye bulging ensued. Thinking this is it, i'm going to die at the tender age of 7, I ran to my dad with a marble in my hand. Pointed to the marble, all while coughing, and then to my throat. Quick as you like, he litrally shoved two fingers down my throat, and wrenched the ball up. Finally being able to breath, I burst in to tears.

Length?- I were 7 you dirty gits
(drain_bamaged, Mon 26 Feb 2007, 13:59, Reply)

Ohh and i suppose there was the time when I was but a 15 year old lad and had to tell my parents that I'd managed to get my girlfriend pregnant...
.. I bottled it and left a note in the laundry basket where i knew my mum would find it... eventually!
(anon_is_best, Mon 26 Feb 2007, 13:53, Reply)

The Pirate ship......
...as mentioned by someone earlier.

The Pirate Ship ride at Barry island many years ago when I were but a youngster. I sat in the back row. Never have I been so convinced I was about to die, everytime that bloody ride swept up into the air I could feel myself leaving the seat and all I could see below me was the rest of the boat at right angles to the ground as I hung suspended in mid air at what felt like 200 feet above it all. I was absolutely petrified and I swear that if I had not been holding on for dear life I'd have been a gonna.

Still makes me shiver now thinking about it!

Length, girth; all shrivelled up now thinking of that bloody Pirate Ship.
(anon_is_best, Mon 26 Feb 2007, 13:50, Reply)

Newborn terror
Last really scary thing was the 8th of February when my daughter was born. She was rushed over to the resus table (I was calm then, something similar had happened with my first daughter).

After a few minutes of frantic work by the paediatrician the midwife looks over nervously, I mouth the words 'Is she alright' and the midwife looks away. A few more minutes pass and the only sound is the suction pump and oxygen mask and the paediatrician saying things like 'so the cord didn't get wrapped around her neck?'

No sound of a baby crying.

Finally there's a squeak, followed a few seconds later by a howl. My knees almost gave way at that point. I'd already been thinking how I was going to explain to my missus that the baby had died.

Nearly seven minutes to get the baby breathing on her own. I don't know if this is a long time for this kind of thing, but it felt like an eternity to me.

She's doing fine now :)
( Bohica Anne Frank's Bukkaki Tentacle Storm, Mon 26 Feb 2007, 13:22, Reply)

Pipes
i12.photobucket.com/albums/a226/Barrysubchimp/Pipes1.jpg



Here you go. While Craig Charles interviews some piss-poor actor, Pipes lurks in the crowd just feet away to the right there. He was only there for a split second before the camera moved on.
There are loads of these hidden wee snippets in Ghostwatch. An under-rated classic in my mind.


EDIT:
ok, here's another, in the reflection of the kitchen patio

i12.photobucket.com/albums/a226/Barrysubchimp/Pipes2.jpg


EDIT 2:
And who could forget the bit where Sarah is dragged into the cupboard and molested by the demonic diddler himself. Here's what you saw right before the door slammed shut.

i12.photobucket.com/albums/a226/Barrysubchimp/pipes3.jpg

Also, in the Making Of Ghostwatch there's a full picture fo the actor in Pipes gear so you get an actual close up look at the man who terrorized the childhoods of so many B3tans. But I feel posting that pic may ruin it for some of you. I may post it by message though
(Barry Subchimp, Mon 26 Feb 2007, 12:31, Reply)

The Bicycle gods were smiling on me...
Thought I didn't have an answer to this, cus I am so gruff and far too manly to be scared by anything much. But upon reading the rest of the posts I realised that bike and car stories count, and this reminded me of something.

I used to live in Greenwich, at the top of the hill next to the park. My girlfriend was living just off the high street in the centre of town.

To make the commute between each others places (and to pretend we did something in the way of exercise more than rut and watch TV) we had recently acquired some cheap, nasty mountain bikes from Decathlon and I thought I would see how quickly I could get to my beloved's flat.

So about three minutes into the ride I hit that big hill bit that gets you to the big long flat bit that you follow straight across the park into the town bit.

Now, considering myself to be more of a daredevil than I actually am, I thought I would go down the hill a bit fast. This wonderful idea lasted about three seconds when my idea of 'a bit fast' was breached and replaced with, 'no no Mr Miserable, this is too fast. You might die'. So I started pumping the brakes like you're meant to do to slow down without skidding and dying.

What I did not take into account was the little wooden ridged steps that are in this part of the path, for some unknown reason. And everytime I pumped the breaks, I was either slightly in the air from one of these steps, or about to be launched into the air from one of these steps. The result being that when my wheels found the ground again after each said airborn moment, the brakes were applied and the rear wheel started fish tailing wildly, accompanied by my teeth grinding a little harder and my eyes going a little wider. For some unknown reason I continued this tactic for about half the hill. Not oblivious to the fact that I was actually getting much much faster.

After a few near death experiences I finally realised that I was doing more harm than good.

At this stage, the fear of falling off and hurting myself was replaced with the fear that my £50 bike could not handle speeds like this and would literally shake itself apart and leave me sliding along the (still ridged path) using my face as brakes.

My fear reached a crescendo when rationality took over. You are going to crash and hurt yourself. It is inevitable. So I just gave into it, leant into the wind and embraced my now ridiculous speed and painful fate. I reached the bottom of the hill in one piece, still attached to my bike (and limbs and teeth)
I literally screamed across the flat bit. I must have been nothing more than a blur to the rest of the parks patrons.

I didn't crash, but I was at my GF's flat about 17 seconds later. Visibly shaken, visibly shaking. Made damned good time and have not gotten on that f*cking bike since.

Its been four years.
(lessmiserable, Mon 26 Feb 2007, 12:28, Reply)

"Only two things scare me, and one is nuclear war"
Actually that's a lie - the only two things that genuninely frighten me are:

a) Samara Morgan from The Ring
b) The thought of driving a car

I have a broadsword to slaughter the girl if necessary, but I haven't got behind a steering wheel for more than 10 years.
(misteroz, Mon 26 Feb 2007, 12:20, Reply)

Ghostwatch, the legacy continues
I bought the Ghostwatch DVD round about Hallowe'en with the intention of scaring the shit out of the bird.

She's the jumpy type as it is, so a few well-timed grabs coinciding with appearances by Pipes was all it took to make her near-soil herself. If you watch it again you'll see every tiny detail you misesd before. Pipes is in the crowd for the dog foetus segment, he's also in the reflection of the patio window while Sarah Green is scared by a cat outside. If memory serves he was also lurking in the studio rafters when everything explodes, and was visible in the background during an audio recording of his voice.

Fucking loved that show
(Barry Subchimp, Mon 26 Feb 2007, 11:48, Reply)

BBC Ghostwatch 1992
I remember this - I was 13 and absolutely terrified. It was the dog foetuses that really made me squirm and "Pipes" . . . and then the finale when all the studio lights went out.

Gives me chills thinking about it!
( Actually i was skiving on, Mon 26 Feb 2007, 11:09, Reply)