Save money on Condoms.
Rape nuns.

1) As virgins, they're unlikely to carry any cock rotting diseases.
2) If they have Children, because of your total anonymity during the act, no CSA payments will be necessary.
3) They can't hold a grudge against you for it, because as they're devout Christians, they're required to forgive you.
( Muns, Tue 15 Nov 2011, 16:46, 2 replies)

Save money on wardrobes by simply throwing your clothes on the floor.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 15 Nov 2011, 16:39, 4 replies)

Save money on haircuts
by lying on the floor with your head too close to the fire
(Mystery_Machine, Tue 15 Nov 2011, 16:20, 2 replies)

Save money on leopards by using hyenae instead.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 15 Nov 2011, 16:14, 2 replies)

Save money on housing, food and clothing
By committing a serious crime and being incarcerated at her Majesty's pleasure.
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Tue 15 Nov 2011, 16:13, Reply)

A serious one, this time.
If you, like me, struggle to work out where all the money goes, get online banking and set it to your home page. Check the bugger every day, and look at your transactions.

The first month of the home-page online banking regime was an huge eye-opener. I thought I was blowing my money on trips to the pub. Nope. £50 a month at the pub, maximum. I was actually blowing my money on fruit and orange juice from the co-op. You'll be amazed where your blind spots are.
(universalpsykopath loves what you've done with your hair., Tue 15 Nov 2011, 16:05, 3 replies)

Score a hat trick in the 1966 World Cup Final
and you'll be able to dine out on the story for 45 years without ever having to do anything worthwhile again.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 15 Nov 2011, 15:52, 2 replies)

Halloween... (one for the kids)
Have 2 or 3 costumes, make sure they all involve a mask (and different shoes etc...), follow your route, and then double back to the houses that gave the best stuff out wearing a different costume, having made notes of the numbers to revisit ;)
(Universon, Tue 15 Nov 2011, 15:45, 1 reply)

Save £1000's...
Bit of a long-term one...

You will need:
1) Standard 'repayment' mortgage.
2) Interest bearing 'savings' account.
3) Job that pays more than you usually spend.

At the end of each month, bung as much as you can, of any spare cash you have, into the savings account.
Your mortgage will have an 'anniversary', at which point (Debt + Interest - Repayments = New Debt) will be calculated along with your new repayment rate.
About one month prior to this, empty the savings account (maybe leave £0.01 in it, just to keep it ticking over) and use the money to make a "CAPITAL REPAYMENT" on your mortgage. This reduces the Debt figure in the above calculation and, therefore, reduces the new repayment rate - which means you will have MORE spare cash to bung into the savings account so that, at the end of the next year...

Note that there may be a 'penalty' for doing this in the 'early' part of the mortgage (usually the first four years) - you need to do the maths to see if it's worth it; but once this period is over it DEFINITELY IS worth it.

Over time, you will pay off your mortgage years, perhaps even decades, earlier and will save literally thousands of pounds.

Mortgage companies HATE this.
I've done it, it works and I LOVE it.

(Apologies for lack of teh funneh)
(minimalist ..., Tue 15 Nov 2011, 15:36, 5 replies)

Save money by finding a loop-hole in tax or employment law, and exploiting it.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 15 Nov 2011, 15:29, 1 reply)

At the end of the working day, stay late, and tap out the contents of your colleagues keyboards into a Tupperware container. Free Bombay Mix!

( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Tue 15 Nov 2011, 15:26, Reply)

postage part 2:
Is this fraud? Who knows? Who cares.......

When you get a letter with an unfranked stamp on it, carefully remove the stamp and reuse it...
(Universon, Tue 15 Nov 2011, 15:19, 1 reply)

Toasty!
Feel nice and warm in winter and save money on heating bills by vigorously rubbing chili on your cock.
(flimflam_machine, Tue 15 Nov 2011, 15:15, Reply)

Attach a dynamo to an electric motor to power it, which will in turn power the electric motor.
Tap the excess electricity to power your lights, shower, chainsaws, &c.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 15 Nov 2011, 15:11, 7 replies)

Produce your own honey
Steal a bee out of your neighbours hive every night. They’ll not notice the loss of a single bee and in little over 17 years you’ll have a fully operational hive.
( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Tue 15 Nov 2011, 15:07, 7 replies)

Dont pay £100
on fancy gold plated HDMI cables

£3 ones from poundstretcher do just the same job.

This has been proven on some tech websites!

Cant believe some shops charge these prices, I was with a friend in London checking out some of the shops by Tottenham court road station. Asked one shop for their cheapest - he stipulated it would be around £45 for a panasonic one... as they were top quality.
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Tue 15 Nov 2011, 14:57, 6 replies)

Free electricity.
If you're not on a water meter, simply fit your kitchen sink with a turbine and run the cold tap on it all day long, hey presto, free electricity.

Similarly, cover your lightbulbs with inwards facing solar cells to get free electricity to power your lightbulbs, it's kind of like perpetual energy.
(Universon, Tue 15 Nov 2011, 14:56, 2 replies)

Traveling from Liverpool to Euston?
or vice versa?

Use Megatrain. Instead of paying minimum £20 one way, or probably around the £30-40 mark each way.

If you book in say - a month advance you can get a return journey for about £8. or even £3.50 one way to London.

Thats cheaper than my local train to travel 4 stops!!!!!

It uses Virgin trains, so its the same journey you would normally pay for.

Journey times are usually around 1:30 in the afternoon, or 9pm at night.

only downside - you dont get a reserved seat - so just head to Coach E - the unreserved coach.
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Tue 15 Nov 2011, 14:53, 6 replies)

A mash of tips.
Illegal ones
Disclaimer: I dont partake in any of these, so please don't flame me
1. Don't pay for Internet or phone line and hack the neighbours wifi. Using Backtrack boot CD and a compatable laptop, and one of many guides on the internet. Most access points on default SSIDs are probably never visited by the owner and they will be oblivious to you being connected. Make sure you set your laptop to a Public network, and set yourself a static ip so you dont show up on the DHCP tables. Make sure the computer name of your laptop isnt named to anything that can identify you.

2. Dont pay the TV License. You can avoid paying it especially if your TV isnt in the view of the window. You do not legally have to let inspectors into your house.

3. Run the car on red diesel. I've been motoring for over 10 years and no one has ever stopped me. They usually go after vans for that sorta stuff anyway.

Legal ones

1. Set a standing order up to automatically pay some money into a savings account. A savings account you cant easilly just transfer money back from. Set the savings level to slightly above what you would consider comfortable. Set it to go out the day you get paid. If you dont have the money to begin with, you dont miss it.

2. Anything less than 50p goes in to the penny jar. Then add it to the above savings account every year.

3. It is a waste of money if you have an outstanding balance on your credit card, and a savings account that would cover it. My credit card was charging me the minimum payment of £60 + £40 interest per month. Meaning I was only paying off £20 a month. My savings account was only giving me £5 a month. So instead, lend yourself the money. Pay off the card and put the £100 in your savings account each month.

4. Voipcheap is cheaper than Skype for VOIP Calls.

5. Dont buy lunch out every day. £3 for a sandwhich you could easilly make at home for a fraction of the price.

6. Check to see how feasable it is to move closer to work. Then cycle it rather than drive it. Its not just the price of fuel you are putting on your car. Its the wear and tear. Plus some insurance premiums are cheaper if you are not using your car for commuting and you can knock down that annual mileage. Your car will also last longer before you have to buy a new one.
(Boom- Clicks on NSFW links at work., Tue 15 Nov 2011, 14:36, 9 replies)

Save money by not buying Viz and reading this weeks QOTW topic instead

(serge, Tue 15 Nov 2011, 14:16, Reply)

This worked for me*
Sell all your stuff, including house, tv, phone, honda accord etc.

Move into a one room bedsit, preferably as a squatter.

Close your bank account and take all the money out as five pound notes. Scrunch up the fivers (but not too tightly!) one by one and use them as a comfy bed/nest in your new mono-chambered home.

Only ever eat cabbage soup and drink only mouthwash.

Any time you get any money, change it into fivers and add them to your bed/nest.

Never leave your home except to buy cabbages or mouthwash** or to go to work/sign on.

If you get bored, look at the corner of your room where your TV isn't and think of all the crap programmes you will never have to watch again and shout out with delight eg "Challenge Anneka! Ha Ha HA! I never have to watch that show EVER AGAIN!".

Even if you are on the dole, pretty soon*** you will be minted, and literally living in a pile of money.


*May not have actually worked for me.

**For hardcore savers, reduce expenditure on cabbages and mouthwash by killing yourself.

***May not actually be pretty soon if you choose to drink premium brand mouthwash. Curse you Listerine.
(Mystery_Machine, Tue 15 Nov 2011, 14:09, 3 replies)

When you're out and about, replace any cash that you spend by simply headbutting the nearest airborne stack of bricks.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Tue 15 Nov 2011, 14:09, 1 reply)

Wear underpants made from a plastic bag. The bag will be filled with free ‘homemade gravy’ by evening.

( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Tue 15 Nov 2011, 14:08, Reply)

Nectar Points
Sainsbury's - You get an extra nectar point every time you 'reuse' a bag.

Tell the self service machine you reused 9 bags, even if you didn't (Unfortunately 9 is the biggest number it allows)
It will let you 'reuse' nine bags even if you only have one item.
That's a whooping 4.5p (of redeemable store credit) free everytime.

For a better money saving tip... don't go to Sainsbury's - It's really expensive.
(lookdadnotunes, Tue 15 Nov 2011, 14:07, Reply)

Dilution
Water down orange juice, you get used to it after a while, and it's more refreshing that orange juice and you dont get the immediate sharpness in your mouth. Makes OJ go twice as far.
(Universon, Tue 15 Nov 2011, 14:03, 6 replies)

Swoop down, cape a-flutter
and drag your money from a burning building or similar disaster.
(Falstaff's Spiritual Successor, Tue 15 Nov 2011, 13:57, Reply)

Take your 1966 world cup medal to 'cash for gold'
and have a lot more money for scones this week
(Geoff Furst Always coming first, so you don't have to, Tue 15 Nov 2011, 13:44, Reply)

Always find you are throwing away milk as you only use it for the odd brew?
Get used to Coffee Mate or Own Brand Derivatives. After a while you get used to it.
( Airman Gabber Living life like a 70's BBC presenter, Tue 15 Nov 2011, 13:43, 1 reply)

Get a job with the National Transfusion Service and set up a sideline in homemade black puddings.

( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Tue 15 Nov 2011, 13:42, Reply)

Don't save money by buying Asda own brand shampoo instead of Head and Shoulders.
I did, and after just scratching my head, I have a very festive looking keyboard.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Tue 15 Nov 2011, 13:34, 2 replies)