I knew this Swedish Au Pair once...
We were walking back to mine when she tripped... trying to right herself and avoid falling over she bent 90 degrees at the waist and put her arms out in front of her, the footsteps pounded hard on the wooden planks of the temporary replacement bridge we were on, she literally carried on for about 15 metres, arms stretched out, neither falling nor standing upright, caught in a seemingly constant state of falling.

I wished I'd had a Flip video camera thing to record and youtube it, I was laughing to myself at random intervals throughout the day, I can still visualise it now when I need a laugh.

Sure it was just a trip, but what a trip.
( JebediahSpringfield, Sun 27 Dec 2009, 0:11, Reply)

A few years ago mum had come out to visit me for a couple of weeks.
Had some friends over, and we were all on the back patio having a laugh, drinking and having a good time in general.
Mum got up to go inside to get some more vodka and walked smack into the patio door before bouncing backwards onto her arse.

Two of my friends ran to help her, while I was rolling on the floor laughing my arse off. My roommate came downstairs thinking we'd just had an earthquake (seriously, the thud was horrendous!).

Ten minutes later, one of my friends did the exact same thing. I couldn't get out of my chair for laughing so hard, especially when mum pointed out both face images in the door!
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Sat 26 Dec 2009, 19:41, 2 replies)

Just remembered
Someone Mrs SLVA works with told her that she needed a passport photograph for a driving licence application. So he went in the booth, had the pic taken and was waiting outside the booth for a good 10 minutes before finally it spat out the pic. Except it wasn't a photo booth, it was one of those that takes your pic and converts it into a pencil sketch.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sat 26 Dec 2009, 17:11, 1 reply)

Last week when it was cold and icy...
...I bought a bag of rock salt from B&Q. When I got home I salted the drive, and left the bag just outside the back door, for easy access should we need it again.
Someone appears to have stolen it now! I really hope they slipped over on their way home with it :)
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Sat 26 Dec 2009, 10:09, 2 replies)

The papers.
I had my appendix out a few years ago and while in the ward there was this old guy in the corner bed you gave me the fucking rage.
He would constantly interrupt conversations with stuff like "Are you talking to me?! Who are you?! Who's that?!" etc etc, I just figured he was a doddery old git who shat the bed twice while I was there.
The morning after my op and I was laying in bed bored to tears. A young girl from the shop came in selling papers so I bought one and got myself comfortable. She then headed to the guy in the corner and every so nicely asked "Would you like to buy a paper my dear?"
"No thanks" came the reply... "Wouldn't do me any good, I'm blind".
Well, fuck me, there's no fear like that you feel when you're trying so hard not to laugh that you're terrified you're going to burst your stitches.
I covered my face with the paper and shook silently with laughter, slipping down the bed a bit and leaving myself in agony. It was worth it though.
The young lass just made a quick exit while I writhed in pain/pleasure.
( Maffers I flow kinda strange like Spina Bifida footprints, Fri 25 Dec 2009, 20:18, Reply)

Possible pigeon-themed pearoast
A few years I was in Venice with my mate, who is terrified of pigeons.
'They deliberately fly into your face and shit on you!' she said.

I laughed condescendingly, just as a big fat pigeon flew into my face and shat on me. All over the hood and back of my posh red Goretex coat.

Mate was doubled up, laughing hysterically. I, however, failed to see any humour whatsoever in the situation.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Fri 25 Dec 2009, 13:29, Reply)

Not Laughed yet, but im sure they will
The young Student population, which by all means most people hate... have to have demeaning and in all sense of the word, demanding part time jobs. This would be the reason why I am working today. Whilst the majority of my friends are recovering from post Christmas eve celebrations I will be serving tea and coffee, then later four course Christmas dinners to everyone and anyone who happens to turn up at the Holiday Inn Leicester. This is my misfortune, now I dare you to laugh
-_-
(MissFlee tried again on, Fri 25 Dec 2009, 8:19, 4 replies)

I've just been looking out of the window of a friends house
and we watched a council truck full of grit slide slowly backwards down the road.
I would've laughed more but I was 100% awestruck and it didn't even occur to us to laugh til later.
(Paolo Nutini's Bikini Better than Frederick Fleet's optometrist, Fri 25 Dec 2009, 3:56, Reply)

might have been schadenfreude if someone had been watching
bit of a comedy moment when i took the dog for a walk. ended up being pulled down an icy slope screaming by an over-excited terrier. probably one of the most terrifying moments of my life.
(ladyintheradiator, Fri 25 Dec 2009, 0:59, Reply)

Dear Santa
Please could you give me the last post on QOTW?
( idonthaveafunnynickname Drink-Aware? Sure. I'm aware I want another drink., Fri 25 Dec 2009, 0:17, 1 reply)

Too late to place well, but here goes nothing
Due to the icy road conditions, there is currently a top end Jag implanted in the front of my house.
(Captain Skippy pooed in a bag and left it on your doorstep, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 21:11, 6 replies)

To everyone hoping for a new QOTW in time...
Forget it. Every one of those cat-obsessed dorks is either passed out after half a cup of mulled wine, or struggling to keep their piece of lovely stuffed turkey down after listening to their demented great-aunt tell at length about her medical issues and those filthy foreigners. Happy cunting holidays!
(lanternchikk hat eine schwere Bohlenallergie, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 20:58, Reply)

Glastonbury 97
The year of the great quagmire, those who couldnt hack it went home (bands included - where did THAT get you now, Kenickie??) Those who stayed looked at eachother and promptly doubled the amounts of drugs they consumed to cope with it all.

Prodigy, hot on the back of their long awaited fat of the land album, had the much coveted friday night headline slot, and took to the stage like overexcited twats, proceeding to spend more time running up and down telling us who they were and how mental they were, rather than making with the songs, while the rest of us stood in the foot-deep shit, unable to dance properly due to wellied feet glued to the bedrock, and soaked to the bone.

20 minutes in, "Maxwell" approaches the front of the stage, and embarks on an extensive rant which went as follows:

"WE ARE THE PRODIGY *SCRATCHY-SCRATCH!* WE ARE UNSTOPABBLE! *SCRATCHY SCRATCH! NO FUCKER CAN BRING US DOWN! AN EARTHQUAKE COULDN'T STOP US! A FUCKINTIDAL WAVE COULDN'T STOP US! *SCRATCHY-SCRATCH!* A HURRICA-WHEEEEEEEEEE-choomp."

And as the stage lights immediately died, along with the entire mainstage sound system, and it became clear that the perpetually pissing rain had induced an impromptu interlude; quite a few thousand punters pointed as one and went "...aaaaahahahahahahahah!"

One of the best gigs of my life.
(Twenty Camels, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 19:34, Reply)

Shocking doggy
When I was a nipper I had a labrador cross called Sam. Sam was great; he was a good scouting dog and loved going on walks etc when I used to play with me mates in the local forest.

The farmer who owed some farmland which led onto the forest had a problem with a herd of cows escaping onto the estate so they erected (hur hur) an electric fence between us and the forest. Me and Sam were temporarily blocked from being able to cross into the farmers land and the forest beyond. Boo hoo. Also Sam had somehow discovered that he could not pass the fence and would not go near it in case of a shock. He'd most probs run down from my house and touched it before as he wouldn't go near the fucking thing when we went to check it out.

A week after this fence appeared some local kids had decided enough was enough and pulled one of the wooden struts which was holding the fence out of the ground and twist the fence flat. While it was flat they placed large stones on top of the wires to keep this gap flat and passable by foot. Me, me dad and Sam were venturing down for a look when we discover this new gap through the fence.

Me and dad cross over fine, but Sam was very wary. After a few brave and very careful steps, Sam edged forward and walked inbetween the wires and crossed over 1st time. It made his fucking day; he ran about wagging his tail like mental and jumped about like a mong with his first lollipop. After that though, things got funny.

Sam decided there and then that he had this beat, so he run over it again with raised feet. He was strutting over the fence. Wagging his tail like fuck, he done this about 4 times, proud as a midget on stilts and loving every second of it. Obviously me and dad were laughing, but at the same time we were waiting for the inevitable.....

Sam didn't disappoint. 5th attempt and one mis-step and he jumped about 6 foot in the air, all legs akimbo and yelping like a motherfucker. He lands on all fours and sprints like fuck back to our house, vowing never to fuck about by the electric fence again. We laughed all the way home and at him in his basket, which is where we found him curled up and nervously shaking :D
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 19:19, 1 reply)

Five red cards
If you're playing a crucial poker hand and you think you've got a flush, check that the cards you are holding are in fact the five and three of hearts, not the five of hearts and the three of diamonds. Otherwise when you show them down, shout "FLUSH, BITCH!" and begin to pull the chips toward you, you WILL be mocked.

Edit: The title is what I am now known as in the uni poker society.
( MatJ LOOK, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 18:47, 1 reply)

I don't know if this counts
But yesterday when i was ambling down the street, a pigeon flew out of the bushes right in front of me then with an almighty "THONK" it flew straight into the path of a car going at least 50.
It ended up limping down the street unable to fly
godknows how it survived that impact but christ was it hilarious.
(Freddles, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 18:24, Reply)

My housemate
managed to be involved in the only non snow related car crash in the country yesterday. Some idiot reversed into the side of his car in the Halfords carpark. I find this highly amusing.
(mmm....beer, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 18:08, Reply)

I'm a bad, bad, bad man...
Walking through town a few years back, I got stuck behind a man and his dog walking a bit too sedately. It was a busy Saturday, lots of people on't pavement, quite heavy traffic and I was in a hurry. Arse.

As we came up to some scaffolding outside a church I spotted that the lights ahead had turned red, so I'd be able to nip past on the road.
As I pass the chap, I hear this incredible "donk!" sound.

One of the bits of scaffolding was much lower and the poor sod had whacked his forehead really rather hard.

The bloke who was walking in the opposite direction pointed out to him that there was a sign clearly telling him to mind his head. "Did you not see it?". At the very point of that sentence leaving his lips, he looked at the dog and realised that this was no ordinary dog. This was a guide dog.

The look of absolute horror at what he'd just said to a blind man - in front of quite a crowd - was so utterly, utterly priceless that I had to leg it and find a spot to let the laughter out.

I am going to hell for this.
Still, cracks me up every time I think of it...
(UltimateMonkey Ban this sick filth!, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 17:20, 2 replies)