Well you can't - it's mine, you hear me? MINE!

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 12:12, Reply)

I need to have the last word.

( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 12:05, 5 replies)

God.
Who does he/she/it/they think he/she/it/they is/are?
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 10:46, 3 replies)

Since I own this place and you all worship me, I would like you all to vote for this one.
b3ta.com/questions/selfimportant/post1848123

And when I say "would like" I mean "require". Plebs.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 8:08, 10 replies)

Susanna Reid
I've sent her hundreds of letters, several intimate pictures and a small pillow stuffed with my own pubes and she hasn't once turned up at my door late in the evening wearing a fur coat and no knickers, the stuck up, self-important fucking bitch.
(woocfot friends with Sacha Distel, Wed 30 Jan 2013, 22:39, 11 replies)

This one
did it for me.

Making being charitable into a competition whilst getting all angry and indignant. I could visualise him pushing his sleeves up and everything.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Wed 30 Jan 2013, 21:44, 67 replies)

I can't wait til the question changes tomorrow, i bet it'll be REALLY great

(quintsy, Wed 30 Jan 2013, 20:05, 4 replies)

Adolf Hitler. All this Mein Kampf this and Mein Kampf that. It's everybodies Kampf, Adolf. Maybe someone else would like some Kampf, did that ever cross your mind you greedy swine?

( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Wed 30 Jan 2013, 18:01, Reply)

My husband always had a high opinion of himself,
but one time he decided he'd teach me a lesson after I had a night out and came home a bit late. What an utter bastard.
(spanishfly 2, Wed 30 Jan 2013, 14:54, 12 replies)

I was on this messageboard, right
and this fat chick got all stroppy because someone used the word 'raping' in a metaphorical sense
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Wed 30 Jan 2013, 14:49, 48 replies)

Frank...
Frank was a PM on a programme I was working on.
He wasn't senior to any of the other managers, but he liked to present an image that he was superior to all.
He would think nothing of making up statements which he would attribute to some unwary soul as he reported it to Programe Directorate.

Frank was known as Captain Thrush...
Captain because he thought he was in charge and
Thrush because he was an irritating cunt.
(bof, Wed 30 Jan 2013, 13:02, 2 replies)

Last night
I saw a girl - all hair and make up - barging people out of the way on the central London rush-hour tube platform. She was kissing her teeth, and shouted "You's all fuckin' standin' on the platform an' I gotta gets my train, man!", before the tube had actually arrived. As it did arrive, she fell off her heels, and was unable to get up and on the train because the crowd of commuters by that point was too thick and too fast.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 30 Jan 2013, 9:33, 19 replies)

I bought apeloverage's book.
It's actually quite good, and I respect his creative ability.

I fucking love literature, I do.
(Tiktock Beating off flamers with a shitty stick, Wed 30 Jan 2013, 6:50, 2 replies)

Toilet Rag
Innocently staggering along the road one day carrying my shopping which included a package of 24 toilet rolls, I am intercepted by an unwashed shabby young man in dreadlocks. This town - Brighton - is full of them. I recognise the look in his eye immediately. He is a missionary come to tell me the error of my ways.

"What are you doing, man?" he demands.
"Huh?"
"Don't you know that they have to cut down a thousand trees to make a roll of toilet paper..and there's the bleach and the poisons and well... everything!"
I thought for a moment this sermon was leading to a gentle request for a charitable contribution. But no. He was offering some 'green' advice.
"Why don't you do what I do? Keep an old rag beside the toilet and wipe your bottom with that? It's kinder to the earth and you'll save al that money."
(reinvented, Wed 30 Jan 2013, 5:33, 12 replies)

Pricks who go on about other pricks talking PJ O'Rourke like they know anything about PJ O'Rourke in the first place.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Wed 30 Jan 2013, 0:59, 4 replies)

People who quote PJ O'Rourke in a bid to look clever.
Particularly when they don't appear to have understood the quote.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Wed 30 Jan 2013, 0:38, Reply)

Serious people- as defined by P.J O'Rourke
"Serious" people are dense and know it. But, they think that if they are grave enough about Yugoslavia their gravity will make up for the fact that, like most people, they dont know whats going on over there, and, like all people, they dont know what to do about it. Seriousness is stupidity sent to college.
Seriousness is also the only practical tone to take when lying. All lies are told with a straight face. Its truth thats said with a dismissive giggle. Real seriousness is involuntary. If youre held at gunpoint or run over by a bus, you'll be serious about it.
(unclestinky, Tue 29 Jan 2013, 23:14, 6 replies)

There was a security guard at a place I worked, Garry.
He wasn't a cunt, just a used to build up his part on occasions.

Whenever I saw him with a radio in his hand he'd be talking like a TV cop.

On closing the canteen door after lunch was finished, he's on the radio "AREA NOW SECURE!" It wasn't locked, he'd just shut a door.

One time a government minister was visiting and Garry was waiting by the main entrance radio in hand. There was obviously some plan that hinged on our Garry communicating the man's arrival. As the MP's hand touched the door Garry screams "GO GO GO" into his transmitter.

On responding to a call for medical help because a guy had briefly fainted, and was looking a bit green. Garry bursts into the room, visually asses the guy sitting in a chair looking peeky and shout into his radio "MAN DOWN MAN DOWN"

I miss Garry, the gaurds where I work now are all very sensible.
( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Tue 29 Jan 2013, 23:11, 7 replies)

National Trust Guides
They all seem to think they should be living in the houses round which they show people. Sorry dear, but a twinset doesn't make you a member of the aristocracy. It makes you a retired schoolteacher dressed up like Mary Whitehouse.
(ubergeekian, Tue 29 Jan 2013, 22:48, 3 replies)

Public School Head Teachers
You know, the ones who are whining on and on and on that universities discriminate against them. "Admission should be based on ability" they wail, "and not one where you come from".

Well, know what, sunshines? That's precisely what universities are trying to do. Private schools have spent decades saying "Give us little Tarquin for six years and we'll get him slightly better grades than he would have got in the comp down the road" Their entire marketing policy has been based on playing a system which has been, disgracefully, based on which school you went to and not your natural ability. Now the universities are putting things right and the bastards are squealing.

Fuck 'em. Fuck the lot of them. University education is a wonderful, enriching, glorious thing and it should be available to those who are best suited to it, not to those whose mummy and daddy paid thirty grand a year to a private school for six years.

Fuck 'em.
(ubergeekian, Tue 29 Jan 2013, 22:38, 17 replies)

I need a poo.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 29 Jan 2013, 20:03, 12 replies)

I've written a book. Who'd like to buy it?

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Tue 29 Jan 2013, 16:24, 15 replies)

At the last Derby bash...
...there was a bit of an open mic session, and a guy called Scott Thomas came to do a few songs. He's pretty good, I'm going to have him at Purplestock this year I reckon.

Anyway, while he was playing, a small group of us were half watching/half talking. Imagine our delight when we angrily told "Be quiet please, we're trying to listen to the music!" by a couple sitting *literally* as far away from the "stage" area as you could without leaving the pub.
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Tue 29 Jan 2013, 15:41, 2 replies)

Anyone who say they answered someone
by 'looking them straight in the eye and saying . . '.

Pffft.
(username failed moderation, Tue 29 Jan 2013, 15:02, 4 replies)

My choice of computer operating system is better than yours.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Tue 29 Jan 2013, 14:47, 17 replies)

... AND YOU WILL KNOW THAT I AM THE LORD, WHEN I LAY MY VENGEANCE UPON YOU!

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 29 Jan 2013, 14:37, 11 replies)

A *surgical speciality's name here* Ward, circa 2006. The Consultant's ward round is happening.
Consultant: Morning sir, how are you doing today?

Patient: Well doctor, not too bad but I'm not getting very good care from the nurses here.

* Consultant beckons over the unit manager*

Sister : This sounds serious, could you tell us your concerns?

Patient: Well, all your nurses keep saying I have to walk to the day room to eat my meals with all the other patients, they make me wash myself and tell me I have to walk to the shop for a paper rather than getting me one. This just isn't on, I'm a private patient, I should be getting the best possible care.

*A glance is exchanged between the Sister and Consultant*
*Sister makes as if to speak but is silenced by the Consultant making an airy 'It's alright, I'll take this one' gesture*

Consultant : Could you read that sign above the door for me please sir?

Patient : It says '*surgical speciality's names here* Rehabilitation Unit

Consultant : Thank you sir. Remind your team that they're doing an excellent job Sister
*starts to walk off accompanied by the Sister*

Patient : Hang on, you haven't done anything here, you're praising her up for not doing her job! They aren't bringing me my meals, I am a private patient and this is simply not good enough.

Consultant : No sir, they're not. That's because you are here to rehabilitate. That means the best best possible care you could be getting is for Sister and her team to make sure you doing as many normal things as possible rather than being waited on at mealtimes. Is there anything else you wished to ask?
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Tue 29 Jan 2013, 14:21, 18 replies)

"Wrong? But I'm NEVER wrong!"
We had a disagreement once at work how you were supposed to use a particular bit of software. Basically, it was a planning widget where you typed a few numbers in, clicked a few boxes to answer questions, and it did some maths and told you the likely return-on-investment for a job. All very simple and boring and straightforward. However, my boss had decided to use it for something it clearly wasn’t designed for, namely forecasting a whole separate set of figures.

I told her this was wrong. She told me to shut up. Her boss, who’d over heard, came over and told her she was wrong. She told him to shut up, which resulted in them going off to a meeting room to shout at each other. Eventually, to settle the argument, we spoke to our head of research and systems, who also said she was wrong, with similarly little effect. At this point, it was all getting a bit ridiculous, so I decided to get a definitive answer by picking up the phone and calling the person who actually designed the software, who promptly confirmed that she was indeed using it in a totally invalid way that would just produce gobbledegook.

She told him he didn’t know what he was talking about…
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Tue 29 Jan 2013, 14:08, 1 reply)

Drivers of hybrid vehicles.
Self-righteous sanctimonious wankers to a man. "I'm doing my part to save the environment!"

Fuck off. For starters, my 1990 Mazda gets about the same mileage as your brand-new save-the-penguins wagon. A used car means that much less steel being worked and that much less plastic being injection molded into a new vehicle.

And it doesn't require a load of batteries either. Do you know what's inside all of those batteries? Well, why don't I wait right here while you crack one open and eat a spoonful of its innards. Nasty shit, isn't it? Not exactly full of sunshine and candy and fluffy bunnies. Well, when you have to swap out the battery pack in a few years, where do you think all of that's going to go? Are you certain that it's going to be recycled? Even if most of it is, there's going to be some that doesn't make it. But as long as it's not in your back yard, who cares, right? They'll just ship it over to Somalia and let someone else deal with it.

Oh, and the new plug-in cars that don't burn petroleum at all? Aside from the battery question- just where do you think all that electricity is coming from? Somewhere there is a coal fired or nuclear plant that is working just a bit harder and putting out more pollutants because you plugged your car in. It's not that your car doesn't produce any emissions, it's that the exhaust pipe is miles away attached to a power plant. We won't even go into the efficiency losses of transmitting that power from there to you, running it through transformers which turn it into heat as they step down the voltage to something your car can use... no, you just go right ahead, smugly driving your environmental conscience around and telling the rest of us how superior your choice of transportation is.

But hey, why let reality get in your way?

Cunts.
( Wanderer, Tue 29 Jan 2013, 13:21, 32 replies)